Friday humour - March 25, 2005

     From Friday humour <fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au>:

         And Gidday
     And it's another Good Friday humour ... so I guess many of you won't
     even see it until Tuesday!

     Just before we start - I heard another of those stories from a scientist
     at work a cupla weeks ago about a girl who deliberately walked in front
     of a Melbourne suburban train and ended it all.  His daughter knew her -
     I imagine many of us have been made aware of such tragic events over the
     years, with our first thought probably being "Gee - if only I'd known
     what he/she was going through, maybe I could have done something ..."

     It does seem that the incidence of depression seems to be increasing
     lately.  The world *is* becoming more complex, although somehow, I don't
     think that's the real problem - especially for kids.  In fact, maybe it
     really boils down to us parents not coping?  Many of us have jobs where
     we seem to be continually being "restructured" - and others of us don't
     even have a job at the moment - and that comes with it's own set of
     problems.  "Globalisation" means that workplaces are being turned
     inside-out year after year as organisations struggle to just keep
     their heads above water.  So even for those of us who are fortunate
     enough to have jobs, we probably still go home to our families or
     lovers most nights with long, troubled faces.

     I dunno ... probably just all the more reason to make sure we all have
     interests and hobbies outside our dreaded work environment?  The career
     we have is important, but ultimately, it's only worth as much as the
     money it brings in each week!  So let's not get too carried away ...
     once we find ourselves going home and being a regular "pain in the a--e"
     to our loved ones, it might just be time to start looking around for
     something else.

     All of which is a total digression for which I apologise ... but I
     still wonder just how many kids have suicided because we as parents
     weren't coping at the time?  Like - whether we like it or not, we're
     the centre of their universe until they're at least 18 or so ... so
     maybe we parents need to make more effort to keep our 'working-day'
     problems mostly hidden away from our various loved ones?

     Anyway, if you are reading this and you're feeling just a tad pissed
     off with life at the moment, enjoy the weird humour which follows.
     It may well be your first step towards that healthy degree of insanity
     that's needed to cope with it all!  And we begin this week with a little
     contribution from British Beth ...

                              BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It
seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives,
and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.  Sam, you
have to do me one favor.  When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to
Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best
friend for many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for
you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later.  Moe is sound asleep when he is
awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,
"Moe ... Moe ..."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice.  "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really
good news and also some bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.  Better yet,
we're all young men again.  Better yet, it's always springtime and it
never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we
want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
dreams!  But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday."

     Then there was this one from a certain scientist Robert Flann ...

                                SMART OLD MAN

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm
here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast

      Biggus passed on this collection of jokes from academia ...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the
street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After
a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will
be empty again."


A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping
when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up,
saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working
out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations.

After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder
out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it
on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the
faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire,
and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working
through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes,
put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can*
put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.


A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate
burning buildings.

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will
need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and

The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water
he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount,
puts out the fire, and survives.

The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water
he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then
burns to death.


When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.


Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet
ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but
it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others." he
is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete). Einstein says that this is no
problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete
leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the
present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theatre!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm
your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates
are headed?"


* Life is like a urologist; it's hand is always cold. *


If you want to memorize names, become a biologist.
If you want to memorize exceptions, become a chemist.
If you want to memorize concepts, become a Physicist.
If you don't want to memorize anything, become a liberal arts major.


If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's Physics.


One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math and wants to be
a fireman. So, the mathematician walks down to the fire department and
announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire
you, but first I have to give you a little test." The fire chief takes
the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains
a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking
in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the
water on, and put out the fire." The chief says, "That's great ... perfect. Now
I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking
down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"

The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and then finally says,
"I set the dumpster alight."

The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you set the dumpster
on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've
already solved."


A biologist, a chemist, and a Physicist are taking a walk through the country
when they come upon a cow. For some odd reason, none of them knew what it
was. The biologist thinks for a second and then declares, "I know what that
is. That's Bos Bovine."

The chemist looks for a second and the says, "It's just a carbon-based life
form, approximately 75% water, and the remaining 25% trace elements."

The Physicist stares blankly for a second and then says, "Well ... I guess
we could approximate it to a sphere."


Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.


An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a
herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of
fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts
the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a
given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around
the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This
will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he
puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be
on the outside!"


An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving down
the road when the car they are in gets a flat tyre.

The engineer says that they should buy a new car.

The mathematician says they should sell the old tyre and buy a new one.

The computer programmer says they should drive the car around the block and
see if the tyre fixes itself.

      This one from our BHP correspondent is probably the shortest yet:

                         THE SHORTEST FAIRY TALE EVER

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him.

The girl said "NO".

The guy lived happily ever after.

         And this one from UK Beth Frear that prompted my "editorial" for
         this week ...

  I know you have been concerned about the depression that some group members
  of the Friday Humour List are plagued by, and also the stress levels imposed
  upon them by your government. Bits of this are a little trite but some of
  it was useful and may help someone on the list out there and alone:

                                STRESS MANAGEMENT

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a
glass of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water?"  Answers
called out ranged from 20g to 500g.  The lecturer replied, "The absolute
weight doesn't matter.  It depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.  If I hold it for an
hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.  If I hold it for a day, you'll
have to call an ambulance.  "In each case, it's the same weight, but the
longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management.  If we
carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."  "As with the glass
of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it
again.!   When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.  Don't
carry it home.  You can pick it up tomorrow.  Whatever burdens you're
carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."  "Relax; pick them
up later after you've rested.  Life is short.  Enjoy it!

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle
  of it.

* Drive carefully.  It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't
  have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
  one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons.  Some are sharp, some are pretty and
  some are dull.  Some have weird names, and all are different colors,
  but they all have to live in the same box.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour

     Now for the usual digression of pics, movies and sound bytes.  This first
     one's from a friend of mine - Mark (also known as "The Bes"), who wrote:

  "I remember that we were talking about power transmission a while back.
  Adam (VK3YDF) sent me the following link which is quite spectacular.
  Have a look if you haven't seen it before.  This will link you to an
  amazing video (~1.5 Mb) of a 1/2 million volt switch failing to interrupt
  an arc when operating: Click here "


     And from Sara MacKinnon, some airigami - Click here

     From Ron Kerpen - an innovation: Click here

     Our Brett (in the store) passed on this collection of beauties:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

      plus this supposed Paris Hilton voice-mail - which is a bit low in volume,
      unfortunately (MP3 audio) Click here

      Then we had another collection from Moonboot:

Shopping: Click here
Leave my computer: Click here
Grafitti moves on: Click here
Problems in the chat room Click here Click here


      Moonboot also sent these over, saying "bluejam" was a weird commendy
      that went out on our national radio (1) a couple of years ago about 11
      O clock at night, they later aired it on TV - BBC 1, 18 months later
      but it didn't last...
      You need to listen to the words ... "

Bluejam excerpts (MP3 audio) : Click here Click here

       This lot just arrived from GROPWO:

Snake versus a 'roo - this week's lunch: Click here
Good Karma to pass on: Click here

       And from the state of Oregon, another one from Vinae ...

Wishing you a ... Click here

       Digi Maria passed a few more "baby in trouble" pics:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

       plus these:

Good haircut for that next meeting: Click here
A polar bear after some exercise - a beautifully done animated movie (which I
thought we'd already had but I can't find it): Click here

       And from Africa, Eric sent these down from his tree (and BTW - if
       your web browser has it's "resize all images" option ticked, you'll
       probably have trouble seeing these):

Puppy's day: Click here
Cat's day: Click here

       A new contributer, Tod (up in NSW) passed on this collection - and
       although we've had a few of them before, they're all classics that are
       well worth a 2nd look:

A woman scorned ... Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

       And UK Smithy passed these on via Davo:

A tap for the girls: Click here
Bottle of scotch: Click here

       This one's from both Castle Books and our BHP correspondent:

Easter, huh? Click here

       Olivine Mads passed on these movie ads (WMV format) for your amusement -

Monkey business (WMV movies) Click here Click here Click here

       And James Powell came across this one interesting refuelling accident:

Oooops ... (movie) Click here

       Finally, a couple of sound bytes, both as heard on Oz's Radio National
       over the past few weeks.  As usual, I've converted these from the
       dreaded RealBadAudio format to something more friendly and open - MP3.
       First up, from LNL of March 10, it's the story of the world's
       biggest (and least known) maritime disaster - the Wilhelm Gustloff.
       "The Wilhelm Gustloff was once the pride and joy of the Nazi regime
       in Germany - a cruise ship named after a Hitler protege - and she was
       absolutely crammed with passengers, all of them fleeing the advancing
       Russian Army. She was sunk by three torpedoes from a Russian submarine
       in the southern Baltic Sea - enroute to the western German port of Kiel.

       In this program, three survivors, a historian and a shipwreck
       photographer tell a story of immense human drama, and explain why
       this remains a little known tragedy."  BTW, the archived web page at RN
       - Click here - also has a link to some pics ...

The world's greatest maritime tragedy - 12 Mb MP3: Click here
For those who have an Ogg Vorbis CODEC, there's also a better sounding variable
bit-rate Ogg V version - same size but better sounding: Click here

       And from another RN program, Radio Eye, a story of lust and romance with
       a difference.  How so?  Because these people are in wheelchairs!  Have
       you always assumed that just because someone ends up in a wheelchair,
       they're missing any of the feelings that you and I have?  Think again:

Wheelchair romance (MP3 audio) Click here or as OggV: Click here

       Back to the printed stuff now, with a couple from Hollywood Len:

                        I CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT

Police say a man tried to rob a pharmacy in Neillsville, Wisc., using
the time-honored ruse of pretending his finger was a gun. Except the man,
wearing a mask, didn't feel the need to hide the fake gun in his pocket -
he held his finger up to pharmacist Bill Weiler.

"I kind of chuckled," Weiler said, asking "This is a robbery?"

The man then "pushed me and said, 'Yeah, this is a robbery'." He wrestled
with the man and in the scuffle, pulled off his mask. He recognised the
robber as Joel D. Peterson, 30, who had earlier allegedly tried to fill
forged prescriptions. (Milwaukee Journal Sentinel) ... which Weiler knew
were forged because there's no such thing as "Smart Pills".


                                  NICE JOB

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a
poem and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper. He calls it a song and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
all the money!"

                      Here's another one from Biggus:

                    REAL 911 CALLS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Hi, is this the Police?

Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1.  Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey?
I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

Caller: Fire, I guess.

Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

Caller: I was wondering ... does the Fire Department put snow chains on their

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my
tyres and ... well ... do you think the Fire Dept could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven
on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

And the winner is:

Dispatcher:  9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  Darn ...
I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.  Damn ...

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.


             Then there was this classic from Digi Steve ...

                             TRUE STELLA AWARDS


Out of school for the summer last year, Taylor Ostergaard and Lindsey Jo
Zellitti, 17 and 18 at the time, were looking for a project. One evening they
decided to make some home-baked cookies to bring cheer to their neighbors. They
had to skip a dance to do it, but Taylor asked her father for permission for
the cookie project. He gave his permission with two conditions: the chores
had to be done, and he had to get some of the cookies!

By the time the cookies were all made the sun was just dipping below the
horizon, so Taylor and Lindsey rushed out to deliver them, only stopping at
the houses of their Durango, Colo., neighbors where lights were on inside.

Part of the idea was to do anonymous good deeds, so they put a message on
each plate. Written on a big red heart, it read: "Have a great night.  Love,
The T and L Club."

One of the nine neighbors they delivered to was the Young's. Wanita "Renea"
Young, 49, was home, and a light was on in her kitchen. The teens put a plate
of cookies on her porch, knocked at the door, and scampered off -- they were
doing anonymous good deeds, after all, so it wouldn't work if they were seen!

Renea says she was startled to hear someone at the door at night and called
out, "Who's there?" Of course, the two gals were already gone.  With no
reply forthcoming, Renea says she was so terrified that she called 911. The
sheriff responded and found no signs of trouble, no vandalism, no trespass
-- just a plate of cookies. The next day she was still suffering from such
severe anxiety she thought she was having a heart attack. She checked into
the emergency room, but she was not having any heart problems.

When Taylor and Lindsey found out a neighbor had been frightened by their good
deed, they were horrified. Quite understandably, they chose not to go knocking
at Renea's door, so each sent her a letter of apology.  Taylor's said in part
she "didn't realise this would cause trouble for you. ... I just wanted you
to know that someone cared about you and your family."

The Ostergaard and Zellitti families offered to pay Renea's medical bills --
about $900 worth -- if she would sign a release saying she wouldn't sue. An
over-reaction? Not in this day in age. Renea refused to sign the release. She
said that she was not satisfied with the written apologies, in large part
because they weren't delivered in person, so she filed suit in La Plata County
Small Claims Court. The suit demanded $3,000 to cover her medical expenses,
a motion-sensor light for her porch, lost wages, and punitive damages.

Taylor and Lindsey quickly learned an important life lesson: good deeds
often don't go unpunished.

The teens brought letters from other neighbors saying they liked the cookies,
they found the gift a lovely surprise -- and noted that they weren't terrified
by the girls' gift. Taylor's parents also wrote to the court. "We feel that
knocking on a door and leaving cookies is a gesture of kindness," they said,
"and would not create an anxiety attack in the general public."

Judge Doug Walker heard the case. Since the families had offered to pay Renea's
medical bills, he awarded her the $900, but no more -- no motion-sensor light,
no punitive damages, no lost wages, no pain and suffering.

Taylor "cried and cried" when she and Lindsey lost in court, her mother Jill
says. "She felt she was being punished for doing something nice." The teens
declined to make a statement to reporters.

But Renea was happy to talk. Despite her victory in court, she was far from
conciliatory. She said the girls showed "very poor judgment" and shouldn't
have been "running around" at night since "something bad could have happened to
them." (You mean, some evil Cookie Monster could sue them or something?) As for
her lawsuit, she said she hopes "the girls learned a lesson." She also appeared
on CNN, claiming the girls pounded on the door so hard they damaged it.

But even with final judgment of the local court, the story was far from
over. The story came out in the state's largest newspaper, and people from all
over Colorado were outraged that someone would be so mean as to sue two teens
trying to do something nice for their neighbors.  They had even apologised,
in writing, and offered to pay her medical bills!  Scores of people offered
to donate to a fund to pay the legal judgment; several offered to pay it
all. The girls said if they ended up with more money than the court awarded,
they'd donate it to the "Never Forgotten" scholarship fund for students
from Columbine High, the Denver-area school that was the scene of the 1999
mass-murder shooting spree by two students. If donors preferred, they'd use
the money for their own college educations. So much money rolled in they
added other charities, including two children's hospitals.

But that's not the end either. Within days the story spread throughout the
country. Taylor and Lindsey were invited to appear on various TV shows, from
"Good Morning America" to "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno".  They turned
down most of the requests. "We were afraid Mr. Leno might make jokes at our
neighbor's expense," said Lindsey's mother, Martha.  But they did appear
on GMA since they "thought it might be their one shot to tell the country
they're still not afraid to do good deeds." She stressed the two families
were not upset with the Youngs or the judge.

Taylor's mother agreed with the low public profile. "The girls don't need to
go on these shows to defend themselves," Jill Ostergaard says.  "Their best
defense is the way they live their lives every day."

Sadly, Richard Ostergaard felt it necessary to go back to court the day
after the judgment: he got a restraining order against Renea's husband, Herb
Young. Herb, he said, was making harassing phone calls to them. Herb says his
phone has been ringing a lot too, and that he and his wife have been getting
insults and threats from "crackpots". They claim they have been told they "are
what's wrong with society" and that they "should be found dead in a ditch."

"I don't believe the girls meant for this to happen," Herb says. "But they
could have prevented it from happening if they had just shut their mouths
when they came out of court." Yet remember, the girls refused to make any
statement to reporters after they lost their case, and only relented and
appeared on some talk shows after Renea started talking to the media. The
initial newspaper report was built from court records -- and Renea's statements
to the press. Yet they complained "their side" was ignored in the press.

"All this over cookies," Renea says, completely missing the point. She says
she's "devastated" by the reaction to her suit, and is so stressed she can't
return to her part-time job at Wal-Mart.

Let's hope she doesn't sue over her continuing stress. A check of court
records by the Denver Post found that the cookie case wasn't the first
time the Youngs had been in court. They had sued, or been sued, at least
nine times, with at least two of the cases involving restraining orders,
the Post says. They were sued by a bank, a creditor, a construction company,
an employee, and more -- and most of the time they lost.

"Our home is like a funeral parlor," Renea comlpains. "They've robbed us
of our laughter. My spirit, my soul, is damaged." She says she and Herb may
have to move out of town.

But hey: she won.

1) "Cookie Klatch Lands Girls in Court", Denver Post, 4 February 2005
  Click here

2) "Outraged Readers Say Cookie Ruling Was Half-Baked", Denver Post, 6
  February 2005 Click here

3) "Dad of Teen in Cookie Suit Gets Order Against Neighbor", Denver Post,
  7 February 2005 Click here

4) "Everyone Chipping in to Help Cookie Duo", Denver Post, 9 February
  2005 Click here

5) "Cookie Plaintiffs Lament Bitter Aftertaste, Want to Tell 'Their
  Side'", Denver Post, 11 February 2005 Click here

6) "Couple Take Lumps since Cookie Suit", Denver Post, 17 February 2005
  Click here


These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first
one "Do you have a last request?"

The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear Achy Breaky Heart one last time."

The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second
convict "How about you? Any last requests?"

The second convict says, "Yeah, kill me first."

            Brian Lamb came across this one and passed it on ...

                                 TOP VIBRATIONS

A salesman selling vibrators went into a neighbourhood and knocked on a door
which was opened by a very shapely attractive lady. He went into his spiel
about selling vibrators and asked if she would be interested. She replied that
she would like to view his wares. On opening his case the lady looks at them
and selects a black one which he sells to her for $100.00.

Going to another house he goes through the procedure again.  Another black one
is sold.

At another front door he knocks and is confronted by a very large lady with
hair in curlers, fag in the mouth, still wearing her nightgown. Our hero goes
into his sales pitch to which she replies that she is VERY interested in his
goods.  On inspection of his stock she insists on buying the large silver one
which he has descibed as the absolute top model and will cost $250.00.

After completing the sale our man returns to his office where his boss asks
him how he went for the day.  His reply: "Great, I sold two black ones for
$100.00 each and got $250.00 for my thermos."

         And to finish up for this week, here's another new contributer -
         Dr Ray Wills over in WA, who writes "Been a fan of the site for a
         long while - time to stop lurking and start contributing ..."

                             SCHUBERT'S PRODUCTIVITY

A company chairman was given double tickets for a performance of Schubert's
'Unfinished Symphony'. Being unable to go, he passed the invitations to
the company's time and motion co-ordinator. The next morning the chairman
asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations,
he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1.	For considerable periods, the oboe players had nothing to do.  Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2.	Further, the piccolo does very little, and then only when the
conductor looks in his direction: this position should be made redundant.

3.	All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a
large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through
the use of an amplifier.

4.	Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.  this seems
an excessive refinement, and it is recomended that all notes should be rounded
up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it should be possible to
use trainees instead of craftsmen.

5.	No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

6.	In summary, restructuring the symphony in accordance with their
observations would allow the performance to be completed much sooner, would
reduce the wages bill, and would give each musician a sense that their
individual contribution was really significant.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention
to these matters, he would probably have had the time to finish his symphony.
[ End Friday humour ]

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