Friday humour - March 18, 2005

     From Davo at bluehaze:


  Thanks to the Great Man for flinging three FHs together in a row.
  And welcome to Terri from UWS and Riz from West Oz.

  I enjoyed the stay in South Australia.  Adelaide is a nice and completely
  functional city seemingly with no traffic problems.  And just 250 miles up
  the road is the Baxter Detention Centre and Holiday Resort at the lovely
  seaside oasis that is Port Augusta.  It's not easy to get from your
  camping site on the shores of Spencer Gulf to the Centre as all access
  is blocked off.  The inmates at the Recreation Centre enjoy complete
  modern facilities and summer weather all year round.  It's a shame they
  can't savour the sea views (beyond all the surrounding barbed wire)
  as all windows face inwards.  It's not easy getting out of this Centre
  but if recent events set a precedent if you turn 104 years old at Baxter
  you'll no longer be considered a dangerous terrorist and there's a fair
  chance that you might be released into this wonderful caring country.
  Click here

  The footy (Aussie Rules) commences next weekend.  If anyone would like to
  join our annual tipping competition just send us an e-mail and we'll send you
  the password.  The competition for CSIRO Minerals: Click here
  The cost is $32 for the season including a separate Finals Tontine.  News,
  info, and AFL broadcasts are also available - Click here   May the best

  team* win.

   First up this week from Digi Maria

                             MUM - JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION : Mother, Mum, Mama, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent
work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts
on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able
to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case this time, the screams
from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously
sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must
have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing
of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must
always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final,
complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities
also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : Virtually none. Your job is to remain
in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent. When you die,
you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life
if you play your cards right.

  One from Beth in Lincolnshire UK who mentions about FH "the list is more
  efficacious than a couple of paracetmol!"

  (For those who have to look it up ... Efficacious is running in the Epson
  Derby at 4 to 1.)

                                 NEW EMBLEM

The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an
Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's
political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're
actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."

    And another from Digi Maria

                                 SUCKED NUTS

A bus driver was driving a bunch of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped
on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a hand full of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts
themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their
old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them'.

    This from UK Smithy

                             MASTER OF THE SHIP

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that
they will tend to over dramatise the affair. We had just picked up the
pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the G flag for the H
and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling the G flag up,
I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him
to ``let go'', the lad although willing is not too bright, necessitating my
having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been
plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that
were being referred to, repeated the ``let go'' to the third officer on
the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out,
was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the ``pipe''
while the vessel was proceeding at full harbor speed proved too much for the
windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out ``by
the roots''. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The
braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in
that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to
the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge
for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic,
the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a volkswagen,
two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are
at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I
would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the
third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use,
for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a
double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang
the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that
the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a film tonight. My
reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of
the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.

At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising
the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring
down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under
the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my
double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing
the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some
minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable
area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river
bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down be the
foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable,
but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behavior of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled
in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying
after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion
in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly
restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital,
where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies
of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his
somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable
us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the no. one hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights. It
is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to
fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers
T/750101 to T/750119 inclusive.

Yours truly



   Something Irish from Dave Allnutts over at Highett ...

                            IRISH PRIEST IN NEW YORK

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

   This weeks pics are from Brett Dude, Sir Doug, Gropwo, Digi Maria, UK
   Smithy, Wellington Ben, Muse, Hollywood Len, Dave Allnutts, Moonboot,
   the Deviants, and Bob C.

   From our new contributor - Riz from West Oz - who writes "I've been
   reading Friday Humour Archives for a while, and look forward to it every
   week. This is a first time contribution though - couldn't resist sending you
   this link to a whole classroom of kids singing along to the Mya Mya song"
   Click here

   The Great Man Tony sent this in:  "What a pity - already sold!  Went for
   US$647.59 (passed on by a radio ham friend of mine.)" - Click here

   Ted Harris sent this site of Prince Charles and the protester in New Zealand
   with the comment "Good issue today, just as funny as our two houses of
   parliament."  Click here

   From Smithy in Sherwood Forest ...  Beautiful blonde pole dancer - Hope you
   don't mind a bit of risque, which I rarely send along! If you should find it
   too offensive, please advise and we will remove your name  promptly from our
   email address list!  No one knows if you take a peek so go ahead and watch
   the Blonde Pole Dancer ... you owe it to yourself.  (Open Discreetly!!!)
   Click here

Comic assortment Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Moods Click here Click here

Our next champion high-jumper: Click here

Up front Click here

Bonds angel Click here

Kid's bed Click here

More on breasts Click here

Fair warning Click here

Jacko's delight Click here

Soggy chips Click here

Think big Click here

Windoze Click here

The ultimate garage Click here

Dumb kitten Click here

The classifieds Click here

Fooling the boss Click here

We Report, You Believe Click here

Belated Oz Day Click here

Scottish roots Click here

Monday Monday Click here

Page not found Click here

Jacko's Defence Click here

Bush's dream Click here

   Moonboot advises ... "I don't know if you are aware of this but there
   has been a big cancer scare about a food dye that got into a lot of
   food products.  I recently received this ..."

                                CANCER SCARE

Customer: Worcester sauce please mate...

Shop Keeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.

C: Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?

SK: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare

C: Hamburger Relish?

SK: Cancer scare

C: Sausage and Mash?

SK: Cancer scare

C: Cottage Pie?

SK: Aye, ... no wait, cancer scare.

C: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?

SK: Yup.

C: Jaysus, that's mad, just give me a packet of fags then.

SK: No bother. £4.20, please mate.

C: Thanks

    A couple from British McKickers

                                   THE WORM

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspary,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

                The RAMBO Granny of Melbourne, Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her
18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down -
and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down - and when she found them,
she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police
investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station,
laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be.
"Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and
his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel
room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors
managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't
lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the
way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty
bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've
been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie
was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a
section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's
face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get
those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,"
recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -
because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't
dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of
the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested
neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated
rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

"I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them"
the oldster recalled.

"So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door
and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square
between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then
I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare
him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the
vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is
difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially
when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and
a medal - Click here

Brian McK also wrote ...

   "Re the Timbuktoo joke in last week's humour, another variation is:

Two candidates for a job are inseparable, one is a Marketing man the other
an R&D man. To make a decision the CEO of the hirer asked them to complete
a four line poem containing the word Timbuktoo.

The Marketing man wrote:

Through the fiery desert sands
Came the camel caravans,
Dressed in finest two by two,
Destination Timbuktoo

The R&D guy wrote:

Last night a camping Tim and I went,
We found three whores in a tent,
Since they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbuktoo

Guess who got the job!"


   Finally this quickie from Darwin John who after Cyclone Ingrid writes
   "Didn't get blown away by recent meteorological activities. This is a
   joke I haven't even thought of for years."

                              THE SINGLES BAR

A naive middle aged man seated at the bar of a singles joint. He is approached
by a woman, obviously on the prowl. He buys her a drink and they engage in
light conversation.

After a few moments, with things going nowhere, the woman decides to take
the initiative. "I have an itchy pussy" she says in a low sexy voice.

"That's nice" says her prospective love interest, "but I know absolutely
nothing about Japanese cars".
 ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~o~~ finito ~~o~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~


[ End Fri humour ]

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