Friday humour - March 11, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Hi,
      Well, Davo's finally back from a pleasant break in South Oz - but only
      *just* back, so we won't foist FH on him just yet ... he was still trying
      to get his emails out of the way today.  That reminds me of one amusing
      exchange Davo had a couple of months ago with Bob from Sydney - here's
      a short extract:

    ------------------------------
    For some time I have visited your site and enjoyed the humour almost
    without exception, however as a now retired man with sufficient time to
    examine our Political situation I have to take issue with Davo's
    political bias.  Clearly you are not in the majority, and are entitled to
    an opinion,

       Clearly indeed.  The minority has a right to be heard.

    but whether you are entitled to advertise that opinion in a site such as
    this is debateable.

       Why? (Look at what Murdoch does.)

    It is somewhat more complicated running a Country than it is operating
    within the sheltered confines of an albeit large part of the Public
    Service.  You don't operate in the glare of a diverse multicultural and
    multiple interest society, and your elected representative deserves
    respect.

       That's it - they are elected representatives (and not mine).
       They must EARN respect.  Honesty and parliamentary standards would
       be a good start.
    ------------------------------

      Anyway, the emails flew back and forth between Bob and Davo for a few
      days (I just stayed out of it and enjoyed watching :-), and in the
      end, Davo requested that Bob start sending in some jokes instead.
      Which, believe it or not, he did - in fact, he's sent in quite a few
      contributions of late!  Anyway, this is just to mention that over the
      past 6 months we have some strong negative feedback from 3 readers -
      one of whom (Tom) demanded to be taken off the list after Davo had a go
      at the Baxter Detention Centre.  The other two (Bob being one) reckoned
      that we're a bunch of bloody lefties - but both finally settled down
      and started sending us in some pretty good jokes.

      Anyway, this intro is getting too long.  Suffice to say that all this
      went through my mind when I heard one particular "Australia Talks Back"
      program this week - all about Religious and Political Fundamentalism,
      and I'll include a link to it (and an MP3) at the bottom of the pics
      section for anyone's who's interested.

      First up for this week, it's one from our BHP Billiton correspondent:
                            --------------------------

               HERE COME THE MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES - READY OR NOT!

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.

Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children.
   The other is used to hold groceries.

Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's hand.

Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every
   night?
A. Hanson.

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...

Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladdin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids

FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house ..hey found class A drugs in
his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class 5C in his
bedroom.

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby
son.  The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can
have sex?"

"I'd wait until he's at least 12," the doctor replies.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        And this one from UK Smithy (not funny - sweet):

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell painted a sign advertising the
four pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.  As he
was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls and
looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment.  Then reaching deep into his pocket,
he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got
thirty-nine cents.  Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer, and with that he let out a whistle.  "Here, Dolly!"
he called out from the doghouse, and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by
four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence.  His eyes
danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something
else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly, another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.  Down the
ramp it slid.  Then, in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began
hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up ...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that
puppy.  He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs
would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began
rolling up one leg of his trousers.  In doing so he revealed a steel brace
running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well
myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Here's yet another one as just forwarded on by Beth in the UK:
                            --------------------------

                     IF EMAIL HAD EXISTED IN ANCIENT TIMES
                         Historical Spam Subject Lines

90 percent off Printing Press Cartridges! Works on all Gutenberg Models!

Order Your British Redcoats Playing Cards!

Earn up to 10 pence per fortnight knitting stockings at home!

You'll be mutinous if you don't check out these hot Tahitian babes on
Bountycam!

Slice off the pounds with the Antoinette Cake Diet!

Ogg, Please Read: Name-Brand Berries for Your Cave Paintings!

Ahoy! You're PREQUALIFIED for 10 pieces of silver from Blackbeard Lending!

Augmenteth Thy Codpiece!

Can't start smoking? We can help!

Buy Your OWN Island with NO TRINKETS DOWN!!

Strumpets, Harlots and Unrepentent Slatterns Desireth 2 Meet Thou!

URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED BY MRS. JULIUS CAESAR WITH 800,000 SESTERCES GOLD

Discount maile-order leeches delivered by plaine browne buggy to your home -
without a barber's prescription!

URGENT VIRUS ALERT! Don't Open Your City Gates for Giant Wooden Horses!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       These are external links to some interesting reading from Lachlan
       and yours truly.  First up, from Lachlan, who writes:

  Thought you might be interested in the following. Have been doing more
  research for my "nanoshite" webpage page. But the following is of wider
  relevance.

  "On Bullshit" by Harry G. Frankfurt; Professor of Philosophy Emeritus at
  Princeton University (2005, Princeton University Press, ISBN: 0-691-12294-6)
  Click here

  Have ordered the book - but they have run out of stock - so on backorder.
  Frankfurt claims that bullshit consists in a lack of concern for the
  difference between truth and falsity and concludes that bullshit is
  a greater enemy of the truth than lies are. As excessive bullshit can
  eventually undermine the practitioner's capacity to tell the truth in a
  way that lying does not.  Review: Click here

Interview with the author: Click here

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----

    The pages I found relate to a paper from a certain physics department
    with the title "A Special Theory of Administrative Relativity":

Administrative Relativity: Click here
And observational evidence: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Over to the dark forests of Oregon now and this pair from Vinae:
                            --------------------------

                            ONLY FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One
day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I
read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping
'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to
burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special
occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks were
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner... Mom had assignments for
all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned,
my uncle came in first and immediately burst Into laughter. Next came his
wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with
laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each
place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked in the tails in
so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                   TOP TEN THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN


1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And this one just drifted in from Nestor, our Illinois correspondent:
                            --------------------------

                                     TIMBUKTU

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.  After
answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final
assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

       "I was a father all my life,
        I had no children, had no wife,
        I read the bible through and through
        on my way to Timbukto ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But
then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

       "When Tim and I to Brisbane went
        We met three ladies cheap to rent.
        They were three and we were two,
        So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Now, just before the pics and sound bytes, a couple from CUB:
                            --------------------------


                                  WHY WHITE?

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance
department of a Sears store in Chicago.  He was there to protest the fact
that all the washing machines were white.

The clerk was upset because Jesse was whining, loud, abrasive, and obnoxious,
as is usual for him, and was driving customers away. So the clerk called
the store manager, who arrived and asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?"

Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them
were white.

The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the washing machines
are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators
are black."

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                           OLD HAROLD IN THE HOSPITAL

Harold was an old man.  He was sick and in the hospital.  There was one young
nurse that just drove him crazy.  Every time she came in, she would talk
to him like he was a little child.  She would say in a patronizing tone
of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath,
or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.  One day as he was having
breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray and put it on his bed side stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.  The juice was apple
juice.  So ... you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
"My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today!"

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top,
and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again.  Maybe I can
filter it better this time."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Over to a few pics and movies now - first up, one from Mike Horne
       from CSIRO, who writes:

   "Hi Tony and Ian,
    I just noticed a strange message in the login screen of iCMS that
    suggests we are indeed far removed from everyday life.  Have a look
    at the top left hand part of the screen, and let me know if you know
    what language we really speak here ..."

    What language? Click here
                            --------------------------

       James sent this one across the room - not so much funny as intriguing:

                UN LANDMINE COMMERICAL WON'T AIR IN US.

A UN commercial depicts American girls playing in a soccer match.  A girl
steps on a landmine and there's a big explosion.  Kids get blown apart.
CNN and other networks don't want to air the ad.

The explosion appears to kill and injure some girls, sparking panic and chaos
among parents and other children. Shrieks of horror are heard through much
of the spot, and a father is shown cradling his daughter's lifeless body
moments after celebrating a goal she had scored.

It closes with a tag line reading: "If there were landmines here, would
you stand for them anywhere? Help the UN eradicate landmines everywhere."

Article: Click here Or just the movie: Click here
                            --------------------------

       Stevo sent in a bit of humour re Abbott and Costello (further down).
       These two guys were THE classic American slapstick performers from
       the early 1950s, and out of curiousity I went searching for the theme
       of their TV show and their classic "Who's on ..." skit:

Abbott and Costello Intro (MP3 audio): Click here Who's on first? (MP3 audio)  Click here
                            --------------------------


        Ted Harris from Manchester (UK, of course) writes:

   "G'day,
    I've been reading your excellent Friday Humour for a while now, it really
    gets Friday off to a good start.
    Javine Hylton won the UK's competition to sing the UK's entry in the
    Eurovision Song Contest, an annual event held in the previous year's
    winner's countryurovision is one of those contests everyone loves to
    hate, no one will admit to their mates that they watch it but everyone
    knows who won, what the UK scored and who scored nothing.  Here is pic
    of Javine Hylton in the UK's Making Your Mind Up competition to find
    the UK entry for 2005, having a ... wardrobe malfunction: Click here

    I found a video of a similar 'malfunction' at the Rio Carnival:
    [ NB: For some reason, these are large ... and so are the files.  They're
      also DIVX, so you'll need a divx CODEC to watch them - Ed ]
  Part 1 (DivX movie): Click here Part 2 (DivX movie): Click here

    Many thanks for the humour,
       Ted, Manchester UK (wishing he was in the Blue Mountains)"
                            --------------------------

      And from the Kaiser, we received this collection of links and a bit of
      a description:

  "Well, I've been silly enough to read over a few usenet newsgroups recently
   and they've come up with some fantastic audiophile snake oil websites ...
   Not the regular stuff that gets posted to the list, but geez, it made me
   laugh =)"

Audiophile Snakeoil: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
                            --------------------------

            Melbourne Uni Lee thought you'd enjoy this one:

Easter egg time (Shockwave movie): Click here
                            --------------------------


        And from David Rand (cousin of Madus Mickus) who writes "Here is the
        Goodies interview - Russell and I attended the show this week on behalf
        of the Friday Humourites"  David was just telling us this arvo that
        he was 3 rows from the front and Tim Brooke-Taylor's kneecaps.  BTW,
        this link is at The Age newspaper, so I have no idea how accessible
        it will be, or for how long ...

Goodies interview (web page and movie): Click here
                            --------------------------


        From gropwo :

                      SULTAN OF BRUNEI'S PRIVATE AIRPLANE

An Air Force Lt. General wrote:
"I toured this aircraft as it was being remodelled in Waco. Yes, the sinks
are solid gold and one of them is Lalique crystal. The Sultan bought the
aircraft for roughly $100M; had it flown to Waco, brand-new, from the Boeing
factory; had the interior completely removed, and had the folks at E-Systems
(now Raytheon) install $120M worth of improvements inside and outside."

HOW THE VERY RICH LIVE: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            --------------------------

       And a quickie from Hollywood Len:

How to tell a single man: Click here
                            --------------------------

       And from muse over in the land of the maple leaf ...

It always pays to speak a 2nd language (movie): Click here
                            --------------------------

       From Bob in Sydney: "It seems ill advised for Germans to think
       up English names for coach companies without a native speaker in
       attendance nicht wahr?):

New bus service: Click here

       and

Tsunami & earthquake early warning system: Click here
                            --------------------------

       Brett, Uni Melbourne Lee and John Sanderson all passed this one on:

Karaoke for the Deaf (movie): Click here
                            --------------------------

       And Steve over at Nike thought you'd enjoy this (it isn't a real one):
Just Do It! Click here
                            --------------------------

       Our Lisa T reckoned you'd get a chuckle out of this (and I did):

Rose coloured glasses (movie): Click here
                            --------------------------

       And - errr - I think these were from moonboot (but I may be wrong):
Your Highness ...  Click here
Test for cold beer (sorta repeat): Click here
                            --------------------------

       Finally, that "Oz Talks Back" program I mentioned earlier re religious
       and political fundmentalism.  Not at all humorous - more philosophical.
       Also discusses the present trend towards "political correctness", why
       it's happening and what (if anything) to do about it.  The original
       program is on the ABC web page as of the time of writing, and it is
       available in either RealAudio _or_ Media Player - Click here

       Or if it's gone by the time you read this (or you just prefer an open
       audio format - mp3), you can use bluehaze instead (MP3 audio) - Click here
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now for that Abbott and Costello thingee we alluded to earlier, as
       sent over by Stevo:
                            --------------------------

                    ABBOTT AND COSTELLO'S COMPUTER CONVERSATION


You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.  For those of us who
sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on ...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

              COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4.
Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.  What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.  It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You
have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            And yet another good one from Hollywood Len ...
                            --------------------------

We've enjoyed redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at
the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If
I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a
half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -
that's what rednecks are made of.  I hope I am one of those.  If you feel
the same, pass this on to your redneck friends.  Ya'll know who ya are ...


                         YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ...

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation under God."

You've never protested about seeing the Ten Commandments posted in public
places.

You still say "Christmas" instead of "The Holidays."

You bow your head when someone prays.

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National
Anthem.  You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect and always have.

You've never burned an American flag.

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who
is listening.

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this e-mail from me, it is because I believe that you, like me
have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked
about in this e-mail.

God Bless the USA.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And to round things out for yet another week, one more from Bob Curtis:
                            --------------------------

                                 MAHATMA GANDHI

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and, with his odd  diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ...









(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..








...







A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

       And the thought of the week from John at CUB:

    A committee is a collection of the unfit chosen from amongst the
    unwilling by the incompetent to do the unnecessary.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]


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