Friday humour - February 25, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           And g'day,
      This week's lot is a larger than normal collection, not just via the
      pics and videos and sound files, but also the stories, both from our
      regular contributors and even one or two new bods who've popped up
      and posted over some stuff.  So read as much as you like and put it
      away, read some more after lunch or over the weekend ... whatever.

      BTW, Digi Steve and I are still experimenting with various ways of
      speeding up access to FH material, and we've made some progress over
      the past couple of weeks.  Feeding these videos and things directly
      from Bluehaze is rapidly becoming a total suds-clog as more and more
      people try to access them, so we're now trying various ways of storing
      the stuff at other sites that have real bandwidth.  For this week,
      I've dropped the big stuff onto Pacific Internet's own server.  Later,
      I'll rotate them back onto Bluehaze or maybe over onto Steve's server.
      Either way, don't be surprised if you see URLs changing in front of
      your eyes after you click on something.

      All of which will mean absolutely nothing to most people - but that's
      just to let you that FH is still a bit of an experiment.  Neither Steve
      nor I can afford big bandwidth, but it's still fairly entertaining to
      see just what can be achieved with little home-run systems like these.

      Anyway, enough talk - Davo's relaxing over in South Australia for a
      few weeks now, but our contributors are still on the case and passing
      on great stuff.  Such as this one from Eric the tree dweller over in
      the grassy plains of South Africa ...
                              ----------------------


                               WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"
                                     # # #

2. It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's
sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.  One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

"Yes, and my mummy says it's a bitch to iron."

                                     # # #

3. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

                                     # # #

4. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine ...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching
my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"

The teacher answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH,
is four."

                                     # # #

5. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."  Her mother told her this was wrong - she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

                                     # # #

6. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find
a smooth one, can I play with him?"

                                     # # #

7. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.  She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yesh, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Now over to the glass unicorn and this one from Jon:
                              ----------------------


                               IT'S ALL IN THE NAME

A car is pulled over by Highway patrol whilst hurtling up the Hume at
break-neck speed. The officer approaches the vehicle and enquired as to the
reason for the drivers haste. "Matter of life and death, must get to Sydney
ASAP".

"Just hold on a moment" says the policeman "Let's see your licence". The
driver produces his licence which gives his name as David Wanc-Breke, with an
address in Ballarat, Victoria. The officer, mildly curious asks the speeding
driver where he works. "Balls, Roller-balls and Bearings, Ballarat" replies
Wanc-Breke.

The cop thinks to himself that booking someone with such an hilarious name
would make him a laughingstock back at the station. He allows the driver to
continue his journey with a warning to watch his speed.

A few klicks further up the road the same scene is re-enacted with another
officer from the same small country town station. That afternoon at change of
shift the two officers are chatting whilst changing to go home. "Pulled up a
bloke named Wanc-Breke this morning" says the first cop.

"Not David Wanc-Breke from Balls, Rollerballs and Bearings, Ballarat" replies
the other.

"The very same one, did you book him?"

"What?  And get laughed out of the station? Nah, let him go with a warning".

"Yeah me too, say do you suppose he really works at Balls, Rollerballs and
Bearings?"

"Let's ring em and see".  The two cops find a Ballarat phone book, look up the
number for Balls, Rollerballs and Bearings and ring it.  "Balls, Rollerballs
and Bearings, Ballarat, Charley speakin".

"Yeah", said the cop,"can you tell me, have you got a Wanc-Breke there".

"Mate", came the reply, "we don't even get time for a bloody tea break here".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       This is one I just came across - it's another of those 'Bastard IT
       manager' stories.  Now is this anyone you know ... ?
                              ----------------------

                       THE BASTARD IT MANAGER FROM HELL #2

I'm still bored.

But at least now the radio's off, it was on it's 12th repeat of "Wildfire"
THIS WEEK, and it's only Tuesday.  Shit, I hate that.

So anyway, I quicklime the engineer to remove any fingerprints and then FedEx
him back to headquarters and set about waiting for the new engineer.

Now the second engineer only has to come out after another 4 hours, there's no
death of engineer penalty clause, (but I'm thinking about asking for one), so
I've got to fill in some time. This guy's going to be a technical engineer,
the sort that comes in with a raggedy tie where he got it caught in the drum
printer at 3000 rpm a couple of years ago, and he'll have the grazes on the
face that indicate that he didn't get the gate open in time ...

I know those sorts ...

So I fill in a couple of hours by killing users off and deleting their files,
then waiting for them to call ...

"Um, I can't find my files" the wimpering simp on the phone says.

"Files? What files?"

"The files in my account. My thesis, my research - all gone!"

"Gone ay? What's your username?"

"TURGEN"

"TROJAN?! LIKE THE CONDOM?"

"No TURGEN. T-U-R"

"OH Turgen, like TURD, but with a GEN instead of a D ... Okay, let's see ..."

I make vague clicking noises my dragging the quicklimed man's fingers back
and forth across the keypad. "Uh-huh" >drag drag< "Yeah .." >dragedy poke<
"AH! - you haven't got any files!"

"I KNOW!"

"Well, what are you calling ME for?  We don't make the files you know, we just
look after them. And chopitty-chop too, your thesis looks like it's due in a
couple of days ..."

I hang up - he'll call back. Meantime I open up a copy of "VMS BASTARD
OPERATORS MANUAL FROM HELL"  I'm reading the article I sent in about getting
rid of those trouble users ...

    "... Modify the user's password minimum from 6 to 32 letters, give the
    password a 1 day lifetime, set it so that they HAVE to use the
    password-generate utility when they change their password (so their
    password will always be something that looks like vaguely pronouncable
    line-noise), add a secondary password with the same as the above, then
    redefine their CLI tables so that the only command that works is DELETE,
    and all other commands point to it."

Beautiful ... shit, but I'm good!

He calls back.

"My files are GONE!" he screams, panicking.

"Did you have a backup?" I ask, as sweet as pie.

"But that's what you people are supposed to do!" he sobs.

"Yeah, well we did - but then we switched to those 8mm tapes, and they're the
same size as the ones in my video camera, so I've been using them to tape the
neighbour's sex romps ..."

I hear the revolver go off, but what the hell, it's 5pm - not my problem ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Here's another new one as just passed on by Tim from Housing and
        Works over in WA - they're about the only State in Oz that's had the
        brains to keep their electricity generation and distribution in
        public hands (and I said that, not Tim) ...
                              ----------------------

                       IF MICROSOFT MANUFACTURED VEHICLES

Sales Brochure

Introducing the new Microsoft a-trust series, with a 6 cylinder V-tec engine,
enchanced fuel system, and CB radio. CD player now comes as standard with all
models.
                                      -----

You are impressed with the salesman's talk on the new vehicle and go ahead
with the purchase. You later discover many problems with the vehicle.

The fuel inlet pipe is of triangular shape as opposed to the conventional
circular type. You can only fill your car up at Microsoft or Microsoft
approved petrol stations. You take the car to a non-oem mechanic (Linux gas
systems) and have the car converted to gas, so you can use both gas and
petrol. You find yourself saving both time and money through use of the gas
system, but occasionally need to use petrol.

Vehicle maintanance is free, so when you find a problem you simply take the
car to your local Microsoft dealer, and they fix the problem on the spot.
However when you get the car back, the non-oem Alpine CD player has been
removed from your dash and replaced with an inferior Microsoft CD player. All
the CD's in your dash compartment have been replaced by Microsoft CD's that
only work inside Microsoft CD players.

Non Microsoft mechanics have found it difficult to work on your car because
their socket sets don't fit over the unusual shaped Microsoft bolts present
all over the car. The mechanics have to buy a Microsoft socket set, which are
expensive and require changing every month.

When you first purchase the car and start the motor, the internal computer
makes you enter a 32 digit registration code, and make you agree that you
won't try to take any part of the car apart. In addition you also agree to
give the manufacturer regular feedback as to the operation of the vehicle. You
have to agree to do this, otherwise the car won't work. When you first start
the car, it automatically drives you to your local Microsoft car wash for
cleaning. Normally you have already arrived at the car wash before you get the
opportunity to tell the vehicle you don't want to go to the car wash.

When you first purchase the car, you notice you don't like the factory CD
player. You travel to your nearest car audio installer and have an Alpine mp3
CD player deck installed.  When you go to drive away, the car computer says:
"You don't have a Microsoft CD player installed, would you like to travel to
your local Microsoft dealer to have a Microsoft CD player installed for free?"
You politely decline.

You have been driving the car for many months now, and then Microsoft announce
a defect in the central locking system, in which an intruder can gain entry to
the vehicle by inserting any key into the lock 16 times. Inserting the key 17
times causes the internal computer a buffer overrun error. The intruder then
inserts a key one more time which causes the locks to open. You take your car
to the local Microsoft dealer and they fix the problem. When you get the car
back, the Alpine CD player has been changed with a Microsoft CD player, (The
Alpine CD player has been left in the boot with wires hanging out off it) the
gas conversion kit has been removed, and when you go to start the car it
automatically drives you (out of your way) to the nearest Microsoft car wash.
Once again you have already arrived at the car wash before you get the
opportunity to tell the vehicle you don't want to go to the car wash.

The car comes equiped with a CB radio (Citizen band communiation radio). You
decide that you don't need the CB radio (because you have a mobile phone) and
personally remove it, then go to place it in the boot next to the Alpine car
stereo with wires hanging off it. You go to use the car the next day and the
CB radio is back in its place, not only is it switched on and ready to use,
people are trying to contact you on it. After reading through the user manual,
you realise that removal of the CB radio requires 3 separate jumpers on the
radio circuit to be unplugged, which requires the unit to be taken apart. In
frustration you give up trying to remove the CB radio. You are starting to get
annoyed with this car and are considering trading it in for a different
model.

A few weeks pass, and Microsoft announces that there is a flaw with the CB
radio that allows people to gain entry to your car by saying certain types of
words over the radio frequency. You take the car to your local Microsoft
dealer and they replace the CB radio with a bulkier version that has been
rivoted in and is even harder to remove. You tell you Microsoft serviceman
that you don't even need a CB radio, and he just laughs at you and sais "The
onboard computer requires the CB radio to be present in order for the car to
function, and _anyway_ our managers havn't given us the tools or instructions
on how to remove them, however if you want to upgrade to a better CB radio for
only $59.95 we can offer you a better quality product" You politely decline.

A few weeks down the track, you realise that the car is automatically driving
itself to the local Microsoft garage for regular service in the middle of the
night. You appear even more annoyed than before, this is the last straw and
you decide to get rid of the vehicle. You go to advertise the car in the local
paper. The only person that rings you are solicitors from Microsoft informing
you that selling the vehicle is a violation of the end-user agreement that you
signed upon receiving the vehicle. In a state of frustration you take the
vehicle out to the bush, and after taking the alpine CD player and Linux gas
tank out, you torch the dam thing. You walk home and feel relaxed that you
don't have to worry about looking after a Microsoft vehicle again.

The day passes and you wake up in your house to find a brand new Microsoft
a-trust vehicle in your driveway just like the one you torched the previous
day. The CD player is stock standard and people are still trying to contact
you over the CB radio.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And here's a couple from GROPWO up north of here ...
                              ----------------------

			                    GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.  Sleeping
Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said,
"I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking utterly confused and simply stated,
"Who or what's Camilla Parker Bowles?"

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                               MOWING THE LAWN

Peter is relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade sipping a beer and
listening to the radio. As he chills out, his wife struggles with a manual
mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.

Peter's next-door-neighbour sees the woman battling with the mower and shouts
across the fence "You pathetic excuse for a man," he yells "sitting there
sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass.  You should be bloody
well hung."

"I am" Peter shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And just before our pics and vids collection, something from IsK
                              ----------------------

                                  STUPID WIVES

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid
their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the
supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we
don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound
like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.

"I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left
on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have
taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay, time for a break - let's have some pics and movies and sound
      files.  And first up, it's none other than Maria the Digi ...

Tiger Woods practice sessions (Powerpoint): Click here
Nice chair (Powerpoint): Click here
Garfield: Click here
Whoops: Click here
Got a warranty? Click here
Ebay: Click here
Pit stop (movie): Click here
Dance off (movie): Click here
Going shopping: Click here
Zoo safety: Click here
No friends - awww ... Click here
Save for your future: Click here
My lil mouse: Click here
Cow's revenge: Click here
Chicken's revenge: Click here
New condoms: Click here
                              ----------------------

           And a couple of (wmv) movies from John Sanderson:

All about golf (movie): Click here
Mini (movie): Click here
                              ----------------------

       This one floated in from Ian Watson in the real Cambridge, UK:

Job application: Click here
                              ----------------------

         And Olivine over at Mol Science passed this on ...

Funny critter: Click here
                              ----------------------

        Mandy found these - a cupla driving tips plus some classic pics:

Drive safe: Click here
Drive awake: Click here
Classic pics: Click here
                              ----------------------

        Our intrepid international traveller James Powell (who can't wait for
        May to come) was looking around for good fish restaurants for this
        year's trip to the Amazon, and he found these:

Pirahna to go: Click here
Anyone home? Click here
Okay, let's eat: Click here
                              ----------------------

        And Brett Dude the Valentine card  found this one for yah ...

Rocky is back: Click here
                              ----------------------

        This amazing doggy act was passed on by gropwo - we have had it
        once before, but most of you probably gave up downloading it ...

Clever pup: Click here
                              ----------------------

        The infamous Moonboot (who really didn't wanna be infamous) passed
        on this colossal collection:

Latest M$ Word: Click here
You trimmed what? Click here
Sign 1: Click here
Sign 2: Click here
My dream job: Click here
How'd you like your drink? (X-rated): Click here Click here Click here
Winning entry: Click here
Local 7-11: Click here
Bosnian cops: Click here
Well insured: Click here
Girl control: Click here
What??? Click here
No Nails: Click here
Well done! Click here
Hip lesson #1 (you dig?): Click here
Hip lesson #2 (advanced dig): Click here
Hip lesson #3 (cool?): Click here
                              ----------------------

       Shorty found this set of slides of - The Ultimate Earthmover:

Don't argue: Click here
                              ----------------------

       Malisja sent this in (the sound that every new mum loves to hear):

That tickles: Click here
                              ----------------------

       This contributor wanted to stay anonymous ... :-)

Got it? Click here
Ahhh .... Click here
                              ----------------------

       And now for another collection from Hollywood len:

Watch out! Click here
Gotta go! Click here
Duh! Click here
Sale! Click here
Safe? Click here
No shooting: Click here
Busting: Click here
Can't wait: Click here
Disneyland: Click here
More cookies: Click here
Tickle me: Click here
Read my mind: Click here
                              ----------------------

      Over to Canada now and this one passed on by Muse ...
Chris Rock Show: Click here
                              ----------------------

      Sir Douglas the Knight forwarded this one on:

Condom after 50: Click here
                              ----------------------

      And this one from our anonymous BHP correspondent ...

Queensland fencing: Click here
                              ----------------------

      A nice pic of Prince Charles and Camilla now, as passed on by Digi
      Maria and the mob over at CastleHill Books:

Charles and Camilla: Click here
                              ----------------------

      Digi Steve likes Truth In Advertising - and here's a few examples
      of what we won't see any time soon ...

Truth In Advertising:
Wanna job?  Click here
New bike?  Click here
Porche:  Click here
Skoda:  Click here
BMW:  Click here
Bentley:  Click here
                              ----------------------

      And finally for this week - the Bluehaze Brewery in action last night:

Bluehaze beer brew #18: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay, now for some more written stuff and it's over to the UK again
       and Moonboot:
                              ----------------------

                                   DENTAL WORK

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he
arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had
forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot
my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
"Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair ... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken ba! ck at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of
false teeth ... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was
over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?  I've been
looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And a couple more from our BHP correspondent - this time, some
          hints on your up-and-coming senility ...
                              ----------------------

                                  SENILITY 101

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is."

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.  She said, "I
have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then
gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh  fruit and freshly ground
coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes m e homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite
dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----

                                  SENILITY 102

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 ... oh hell,
send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Then
something is supposed to happen ... I think ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Back to the good old UK for this one - and it's Beth again ...

                         MORE TELEMARKETING REPLIES

Voice: "Mr.Jones?"

Mr Jones: "Yes ..."

Voice: "Mr. Jones, you won a two-week holiday to any destination of your
choice!! Congratulations!! Where would you like to go?"

Mr Jones: "As far away as possible, actually, but they took my passport when
they set my bail conditions ..."




 Previous (February 18, 2005)

 Index

Next (March 04, 2005)