Friday humour - February 18, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:


    G'day

  An interesting grab-bag this week ... and no editorial - Davo is finally
  muzzled.  One of our enlightened readers (Bob from Sydney) advised that my
  trouble was that I was not an optimist ... but a pessary.  Hmmmm.   I looked
  this up and my flabber has never been so gasted.

  I'm off for the next couple of weeks to South Australia.  I thought I could
  do with some R&R at the Baxter Health Farm and Holiday Resort.

  BTW - If any of our readers would like a Gmail (Google) account, Torch
  on the Gold Coast has some that he's prepared to pass on to FH readers.
  Let's know if you want one.  Unfortunately no steak knives are included
  with this special offer.

  Those interested should first read this article though: Click here

  BTW 2:  Would those contributors who send FH stuff in to either Tony or
  my e-mail addresses PLEEEASE send them to fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au.
  That way, we BOTH get to see them, and it all makes throwing this rag
  together that much easier.  TIA!

  Thanks to those who keep sending in their stuff.  You know who you are.

            ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

  First up from Fosters John on the B1 Bottling Line

                                HARD NIGHT

Joe had gotten a sales route for the Acme insecticide company. He went off
and after a week found that everyone was buying from Flanders of the Ace
Insecticide Company and had no real inclination to change. He searched his
mind for a way to break this up. Finally he came up with it.

Joe goes to Farmer Jones, the largest farmer in the valley and makes a
pitch. "But I'm satisfied with the Ace products. Why should I change,"

Jones tells him. "Because Acme is better," Joe tells him, "I can even
prove it. You have that meadow near the river where the mosquitos are really
fierce. Let me spray the area and you can tie me naked to a tree all night. If I
have even one bite on my body come morning, you just send me on my way, but if I
come through unbitten, you have to buy all your insecticide from me this year."

Jones considers this and decides that he can't loose. The two go down to the
meadow, Joe sprays the area, undresses, and Jones ties him to a tree. Jones
says good night and leaves.

The next morning, Jones returns and finds Joe exhausted but unmarked. Joe
isn't just tired, he can hardly stand. "Are you alright?" Jones asks. "I'm
fine, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

          ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

                                 WASH DAY

A man and a woman are having trouble communicating to each other that they
want to have sex, they are both very shy and find it hard to say I want to
have sex with you, so they decide to seek profesional help. The doctor tells
them to come up with a common word which will represent the wanting of sex. The
couple decides on washing machine.

A few days later after a long day the husband and wife go to bed, he wants it
really bad so he whispers in his wifes ear "washing machine washing machine"
she replies "not tonight I am tired". Well being the nice guy he is he decides
he can wait.

A little later he changes his mind, he starts touching his wife trying to
excite her then says "washing machine dear washing machine" again she says
I said no, now go to sleep"

A little later she begins to feel bad and decides to give in to her husbands
needs so she says "washing machine washing machine" to which he replies
"It was a small load honey, I did it by hand!"

         ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

  This was sent in by Beth

                    OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last
   oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money Spent:

    Oil Change $20.00

    Coffee $1.00
    ----------------
    Total $21.00
    ----------------

                      OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1.  Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque
    for $50.00.

2.  Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $20.00, drive home.

3.  Open a beer and drink it.

4.  Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5.  Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6.  In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7.  Place drain pan under engine.

8.  Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9.  Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
    kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
    twist off.

16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere
    from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
    environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Decide to finish oil
    change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
    full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
    yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
    surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
    with drain plug.

27. Drink beer.

28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
    into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
    ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
    litter on oil spill.

30. Drink beer.

31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag
    used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
    plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
    in the left boob.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    during steps 23 - 43.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Call loving wife, make bail.

50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

                                Money Spent:

    Parts $50.00

    DUI $2500.00

    Impound fee $75.00

    Bail $1500.00

    Beer $40.00
    ------------------
    Total $4165.00
    ------------------

    - But you know the job was done right!


           ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

  This from digi Maria

                   Amusing Dealings with the General Public

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide, it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when
I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): If
I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the
other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window
to write the number on".

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file
back again?"

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee
was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for
"Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:   "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:   "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
           away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller:   "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:   "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller:   "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:   "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:   "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:   "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:   "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
           it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:   "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:   "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
           into the wall.
Caller:   "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
           two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:   "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
           other cable."
Caller:   "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
           back of your computer."
Caller:   "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:   "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:   "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
           it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller:   "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
           in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:   "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller:   "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:   "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
           it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
           from."
Caller:   "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:   "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

          ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

   These two from UK Smithy near Nottingham

                      WOMAN DENIES SHERRY ENEMA CHARGE

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Texas woman indicted last month for allegedly giving
her husband a lethal sherry enema says he was an enema addict who did it to
himself, a newspaper has reported.

Tammy Jean Warner said late husband Michael Warner had an alcohol problem and
enjoyed giving himself wine or sherry enemas because his body would absorb
the spirits more quickly that way.

"That's the way he went out and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out
because he loved his enemas," she told the Houston Chronicle, it reported
on Thursday.

Michael Warner, 58, died on May 21 and was found to have a blood alcohol level
of 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered too drunk to drive
in Texas.

Mrs. Warner, 42, is accused of giving her husband a sherry enema even though
she knew alcohol was bad for this health and faces a charge of criminally
negligent homicide.

"There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no way," she said.

Police in Lake Jackson, Texas, 40 miles south of Houston, said there was
evidence that Mr. Warner had received two large bottles of sherry.

"It all started back when he was a child," Mrs. Warner explained. "His mother
used to give him enemas all the time, and he started to depend on them."

"He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she said. "He had
enema recipes."

Mrs. Warner, a former bartender who got married to Warner in October 2002,
is also charged with destroying his will, but she denied the charge, the
Chronicle said.

Currently free on $30,000 bail, she is scheduled to go to trial in July. If
convicted, she faces up to two years in prison and a $10,000 fine on each
charge.

           ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife
opening a package; what food might it contain?

He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a
mouse trap in the house! There is a mouse trap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can
tell that this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me;
I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house!"

"I am very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathised the pig, "but there is nothing I
can think of to do about it. Surely someone else will step in to help."

The mouse turned to the cow and asked for help. The cow replied, "Well,
Mr. Mouse, it's just a mouse trap; I can't be bothered with this little thing,
can I?"

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the
farmer's mouse trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house....*SNAP*.... the sound
of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what she
had caught.

In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the
trap had caught. The snake was furious, and bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital with a very high fever, but the doctors
said that there was nothing that they could do for her, so the farmer took
his wife home.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took
his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

His wife's sickness worsened, so their friends and neighbors came to sit with
her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get better and, in fact, she died. So many people
came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat
for all of them to eat.

Moral of the story:

The next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it
does not concern you, remember that when the smallest of us is threatened,
we are all at risk.

(And so it may be with Germany, France, and Belgium one day!)

           ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

   This quickie came from Tony at Waterford (passed on by Doug)

                             "CAN YOU FEEL IT?"

I got a new car radio yesterday. It has voice recognition. You shout "soul"
and it plays a soul station. You shout "rock" and it finds rock and roll for
you. You shout "country" and it finds country music.

I was enjoying this new technology when some kids ran in front of my car,
causing me to swerve at the last second. I yelled out: "Fucking kids!" And
my radio started playing Michael Jackson songs.

          ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

   This soppy thing came from Allnutts over at Highett

                             DON'T WORRY - BE HAPPY

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each
morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly
applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,
she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she manoeuvred her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of
her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old, having just
been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room ... just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.

Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged
... it's how I arrange my mind.

I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake
up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I
have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be
thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day
and all the happy memories I've stored away .. just for this time in my life."

Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the Bank
account of memories.

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

  ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

   These from Eric in his tree in South Africa

                           I LEARNED FROM A COW

All I Need To Know About Life

I Learned From A Cow

Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk

When chewing your cud, remember. . . There is no fat, no calories, no
cholesterol and no taste!

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!

It's better to be seen and not herd.

Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's bossy!

Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.

Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

            ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


                             WOMEN'S ARSE SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.

         (Eric's website - Click here   Ed)


           ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


  This weeks pics are from Digi Steve, Top Bob, Uncle Doug, Mandie M&Ms,
  Brett Dude, Sherwood Forest Smithy, Digi Maria, Moonboot, Allnutts, Castle
  Hill Books, Gropwo, Carmen Bell, Trina, Little Di, Nike Steve and you know
  who you are.

  First up, a new contributor, Steve B at Nike:

"Read your page every week and could not resist sending this to you.  This is
what's left of a new VY HSV Clubsport from the Watson Holden (Bundoora, Vic)
dealer after a 19 year-old test drove it last week. He was driving it back
and was going WAY too fast around the corner, up the gutter, travelled the
10 metres to the gates, mounted some cars and landed as you see."

Crash Landing - Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
   [ Watson Holden are at 413 Grimshaw St, Bundoora if you happen to be in
     the area and wanna see the continuing cleanup :-)  Ed. ]

In keeping with Joint Operations, the RAAF has just commissioned its first
Aircraft Carrier. Designated CCV 01, Air Force Leaders acknowledged that sea
trials are going very well. One Air Force Official, who would not give his name,
expressed senior leadership concerns concerning aircraft sortie generation,
due to possible flight deck damage and recovery times. For now RAAF officials
plan on shifting classic Air Wing Operations to more Command and Control,
"Special Operations" centric doctrine with limited helo night operations,
until further testing can be completed within the next 5 years. Testing
deployments will be confined to the Whitsunday Islands and Port Douglas in
order to maximise deployment cycles for senior leadership.

The RAAF Commissions its first Aircraft Carrier - Click here

Cold snap: Click here Click here Click here Click here

Firey surf Click here

Body parts Click here

Polyunsaturated Click here

Job interview Click here

Kiwi WMD Click here

Boasting again Click here

Caught in the act Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bedtime - Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cute: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Where's the remote? Click here

Three mugs Click here

Matrix animals Click here

Mad Maxine Click here

Flying school Click here

Going Going G... Click here

The real story Click here

Alpha female Click here

X-rated - naughty girls: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

M rated - Fagwatch Click here

Dead drunk (WMV Movie clip) Click here

Going down (WMV Movie clip) Click here

Is it a bird? (WMV Movie clip) Click here

Auto Art (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

Ambitions (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

Whirly whirly (WMV Movie clip) Click here

Not on CNN Click here

Husband shopping (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

Grog snatch (MPEG Movie clip) Click here

        ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


    Back to ASCII, and this one's from Len at the studios of Warner Bros -
    the entertainment capital of the world ...

                  YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HICK WHEN YOU BELIEVE ...

1.  The clitoris is a type of flower.

2.  A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

3.  Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.

4.  Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.

5.  A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

6.  A G-string is part of a fiddle.

7.  Semen is a term for sailors.

8.  Anus is a Latin term for yearly.

9.  Testicles are found on an Octopus.

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.

        ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


                   YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN ...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

If anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this".

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start
your engines.".

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas
it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

One or more of your kids were conceived on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

          ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


                        TACKY THINGS TO DO AT FUNERALS

1.  Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love
    with you.

2.  Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your
    contact lens.

3.  Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4.  Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

5.  Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

6.  At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7.  Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

8.  Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9.  Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
    into the coffin.

11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
    read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who
    can't afford firewood.

16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
    "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
    for back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
    while praising the deceased.

          ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


                             MORE  BUMPER STICKERS

* Constipated people don't give a shit.
* Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
* If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
* Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
* Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
* If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
* My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
* To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
* If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counselling.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."
* If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
* Horn broken... watch for finger.
* It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
* If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
* So many cats.... So little time.
* We are the people our parents warned us about.
* God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
* Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
* Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
* Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
* It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
* Life's a bitch, and then you die.
* Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
* Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free
* Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.
* The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a
  traffic jam.
* Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
* Illiterate? Write for free help.
* Take me drunk, I'm home.
* Life is like a straw, it sucks.
* Don't delay, paint today
* I drive like this to piss you off!
* "It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"
* Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
* I may be slow but I'm in front of you.
* Suicide is a way of telling God "You can't fire me, I quit!"
* You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
* I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
* DANGER: I drive like you do!
* Kids in the backseat cause accidents ... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
* Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
* S. A. S. R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
* If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
* Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.
* I don't drive fast I fly low
* If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
* Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
* If you can read this you're in range.
* The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity
  of your actions.
* It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean.
* Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
* Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.
* Study long study wrong.
* Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
* My karma ran over my dogma.
* I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.
* I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
* Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
* Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
* Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they
  wouldn't shit on stage.
* Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
* Everything Is Somewhere.
* I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure...
* I love cats..... they taste just like chicken.
* I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
* CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
* If it isn't broken... fix it until it is!
* Keep America clean... swallow your beer cans.
* I was an atheist until I realised I was GOD.
* Smile ... show off your teeth.
* Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!
* I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head
  that far up my ass.
* House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?
* I left the womb for this?
* I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
* The more I learn, the less I understand.
* I'm not littering ... I'm donating to the earth.
* If you can read this, I am parked.
* I got this car for my wife.  Not a bad trade.
* All generalizations are false.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative
* When there's a will, I want to be in it!
* Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
* Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist
* Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
* Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.
* I'm objective; I object to everything.
* If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
* Life is a terminal disease.
* Conserve water - Shower with a friend
* Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
* Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
* Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION
* In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
* Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

            ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~


                               THIS FROM LITTLE DI

1.  Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make
    love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine
    and skin smooth.

2.  Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,
    skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and
    makes your skin glow.

3.  Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic
    dinner.

4.  Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones
    up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
    20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5.  Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into
    the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a
    feeling of well-being.

6.  The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active
    body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These
    subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! 1. Sex is a beauty
    treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce
    amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

7.  Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE
    THAN VALIUM.

8.  Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva
    to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes
    decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9.  Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the
    tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
    antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

          ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

   And a couple from Gropwo

                       MORE FROM THE IT HELPDESK

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk ... sorry.

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates
damn it!

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Customer: My keyboard is not working any more.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please
tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

            ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

Thought for the Week

                           LAUNDRY INSTRUCTIONS

       For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron
       with warm iron.

       For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles and blow-dry
       on roofrack.

           - Hollywood Len

           ~~~~~~~~~><~~~~~the~~~~~~~><~~~~~~end~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~

[ End Fri humour ]

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