Friday humour - February 11, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

      G'day
  This weeks Friday Humour is brought to you by the Baxter Missing Persons
  Mental Health Care Facility and Detention Centre behind barbed wire in
  outback South Australia where the sun does shine ... and shine again.
  Welcome to John Howard's new Australia - where nobody is ever sorry and
  nobody is ever at fault.   (Hmmmm ... except perhaps the victims.)

  At the hottest time of the year only last week the world's most liveable
  city recorded its coldest and wettest day on record.  Here are some more
  pics of Summer in Melbourne: Click here Click here Click here Click here

  In our occasional series highlighting who some of our FH contributors
  are, here's a missive from Jon at the top end of Oz ...

"Hi - If you guys want to know about me, I'm an ex RAAFy, ex club
manager, now working in the visual arts, in Darwin (I know it can be a
cultural desert) I truly love a good joke and know thousands. Last
week's stories about air traffic control conversations reminded me of an
incident when I worked in a tower in my blue orchid days.

It was 1974 or 5, I was duty technician at an operational base and was
sitting with the duty controller in the tower when an NZ Airforce
Bristol Freighter called up for clearance to land. After all the
information was exchanged, the controller said (and this is a military
thing) 'Check wheels down'. The reply crackled out of the speaker
'Wheels down and wulded'. (Bristol Freighters {Frighteners} have fixed
undercarriages if you were wondering.)"     - Darwin Jon

  Keep sending your stuff to fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au .

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----

  First up a couple from the GRossly-Overpromoted-Warrant-Officer ...
  Gropwo of Brissie

                             FEELING YOUR AGE

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and
feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news
stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47,"
the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." the woman replies,
"Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her
way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks
the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again
she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He
replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward,
but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell
you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this,
she says, "Okay, okay,... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of
her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

No", she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in the line at McDonald's."

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   These from the B1 bottling line and Fosters John and Sarge ...

                        GREATEST CRICKETING SLEDGES

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh
welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife &
my kids?"

2. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith
after he played & missed: "You can't fucking bat". Smith to Hughes after
he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair...  I can't
fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."

3. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a
fat bus conductor. A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please",
Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me.
In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him
he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*ck off."

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga Healy's legendary comment which was picked
up by the Channel Nine microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on
a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney ... "You don't get a
runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"

6. Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket,
Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate
him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

7. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes: After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath
delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you
so fat?" "Cos every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes
replied.

8. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock: After going past the outside edge with a
couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about
5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the
ground. Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----

Life is all about arse; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking
it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----


     More from Digi Steve

                              A LESSON IN ACCELERATION

First, some useful info:

* One Top Fuel dragster 500 cubic inch Hemi engine makes more horsepower than
  the first 4 rows at the Daytona 500.

* Under full throttle, a Top Fuel dragster engine consumes 1? gallons of nitro
  methane per second; a fully loaded 747 consumes jet fuel at the same
  rate with 25% less energy being produced.

* A stock Dodge 426 Hemi V8 engine cannot produce enough power to drive the
  dragster's supercharger.

* With 3000 CFM of air being rammed in by the supercharger on overdrive,
  the fuel mixture is compressed into a near-solid form before ignition.
  Cylinders run on the verge of hydraulic lock at full throttle.

* At the stoichiometric 1.7:1 air/fuel mixture for nitro methane the flame
  front temperature measures 7050 degrees F.

* Nitro methane burns yellow. The spectacular white flame seen above the
  stacks at night is raw burning hydrogen, dissociated from atmospheric water
  vapor by the searing exhaust gases.

* Dual magnetos supply 44 amps to each spark plug. This is the output of an
  arc welder in each cylinder.

* Spark plug electrodes are totally consumed during a pass. After 1/2 way,
  the engine is dieseling from compression plus the glow of exhaust valves at
  1400 degrees F. Only cutting the fuel flow can shut down the engine.

* If spark momentarily fails early in the run, unburned nitro builds up
  in the affected cylinders and then explodes with sufficient force to blow
  cylinder heads off the block in pieces or split the block in half.

* In order to exceed 300 mph in 4.5 seconds dragsters must accelerate at
  an average of over 4G's. In order to reach 200 mph well before half-track,
  the launch acceleration approaches 8G's.

* Dragsters reach over 300 miles per hour before you have completed reading
  this sentence.

* Top Fuel Engines turn approximately 540 revolutions from light to light!

* Including the burnout the engine must only survive 900 revolutions under
  load.

* The redline is actually quite high at 9500 rpm.

* The Bottom Line; Assuming all the equipment is paid off, the crew worked for
  free, and for once NOTHING BLOWS UP, each run costs an estimated $1,000.00
  per second. The current Top Fuel dragster elapsed time record is 4.441
  seconds for the quarter mile (10/05/03, Tony Schumacher). The top speed
  record is 333.00 mph (533 km/h) as measured over the last 66' of the run
  (09/28/03 Doug Kalitta).

Putting all of this into perspective:

You are riding the average US$250,000 Honda MotoGP bike. Over a mile up
the road, a Top Fuel dragster is staged and ready to launch down a quarter
mile strip as you pass. You have the advantage of a flying start. You run
the RC211V hard up through the gears and blast across the starting line and
past the dragster at an honest 200 mph (293 ft/sec).  The 'tree' goes green
for both of you at that moment. The dragster launches and starts after you.

You keep your wrist cranked hard, but you hear an incredibly brutal whine
that sears your eardrums and within 3 seconds the dragster catches and passes
you. He beats you to the finish line, a quarter mile away from where you
just passed him.

Think about it, from a standing start, the dragster had spotted you 200mph
and not only caught, but nearly blasted you off the road when he passed you
within a mere 1320 foot long race course.

That, folks, is acceleration.

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----


    This from Trina

                             THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay cheque.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----


   Lots of pics were submitted this week.  Some have been held over for the
   next issue.  This lot came from Hollywood Len, UK Smithy, Brett Dude,
   Castle Hill Books, Dave Allnutts, M&Ms, Digi Steve, UK Smithy, Moonboot,
   Top Bob, Trina, John Sanderson, and Gropwo.

   Top Bob from Lonely Planet sent the first one ...

Like every year at the end of January, we, at the Information Technology
(IT) department, are celebrating the New Year and we organise the most
CRAZY party in the city. Leave all your taboos at home and come join us
in the craziest, funkiest, out-of-limits party of the year. Take your
time to prepare yourself for the wild, bombastic night that will free
your deepest instincts. We do it IT-style, so get in the mood! We are
attaching a picture of last year's party, so you get an idea of what you
should be expecting ... Click here

The real party crowd: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Fuelguage Click here

Tsunami - believe it or not Click here

Rednecks: Click here Click here Click here

Cheap wing: Click here

Card man: Click here

Stuffed mouse Click here

Internet date: Click here

Olympics Click here

Oops Click here

Write-offs: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Headed for Baxter: Click here

Peeing standing up Click here

Splat1 (movie): Click here

Splat2 (movie): Click here

Kite flyer (movie): Click here

Incognito (movie): Click here

Head high (movie): Click here

God is great (movie): Click here

Fruitcake lady (movie): Click here

Best friend (M$ Word doc): Click here

Irish drinking song (sound clip): Click here

The streaker (movie): Click here

Singing dick (lewd movie): Click here

The waiting room (movie): Click here

Brief encounter (movie): Click here

Talking parrot: Click here

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               [ Cue 20th Century-Fox CinemaScope fanfare ]

    This is the E-News from Hollywood Len ...

                                 TWO PRIESTS

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall
the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----

                                THE SUIT

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had
some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why
is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his fucking guide
dog bit me."

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----


                              THE VIRGIN

This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony,
and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle
with me; I'm a virgin."

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into
his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.

"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her
own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

  ---- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH --------- FH -----

    Some stuff from Rosalie

               WHAT IF BILL GATES OWNED A MCDONALDS FRANCHISE?

Here are some of the changes we might see ...

1) Super Size "upgrades" would be mandatory, if customers wanted to actually
   use the food to its fullest potential.

2) We'd all have to buy new cars to use the McMicrosoft Drive-Thru.

3) Upon hearing about a new burger about to be launched by Netscape King,
   McMicrosoft would "preannounce" their new burger, even though its secret
   sauce is still in alpha.

4) They'd steal recipes from Apple's employee cafeteria!

5) Once a customer eats McMicrosoft food, trying to remove all traces of it
   from the digestive tract proves impossible.

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                            ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words. The winners are

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude(n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

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                        THE MAGIC THAT MAKES GOOGLE TICK

An interesting article on Google, a web tool that we now almost take for
granted...

By Matt Loney, ZDNet UK
02 December 2004

The numbers alone are enough to make your eyes water.

- Over four billion Web pages, each an average of 10KB, all fully
indexed.

- Up to 2,000 PCs in a cluster.

- Over 30 clusters.

- 104 interface languages including Klingon and Tagalog.

- One petabyte of data in a cluster -- so much that hard disk error rates
of 10-15 begin to be a real issue.

- Sustained transfer rates of 2Gbps in a cluster.

- An expectation that two machines will fail every day in each of the
larger clusters.

- No complete system failure since February 2000.

(more if you're interested - Click here

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   These came in from Mandie M&Ms

                               SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special.  I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know - I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked
his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery
since it was considered cosmetic The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small, $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he
would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with
his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone
and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found
the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor.  The man answered "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

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    A little snippet from Beth

                                 GRANNY'S BEAU

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started banging on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The
little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and
there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

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Quote of the Week

   "Be nice to people on your way up - you'll meet them on your way down."

      - Jimmy Durante

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[ End Friday humour ]

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