Friday humour - February 04, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            Yo,
       And thanks to Davo for filling in for 3 weeks straight during January
       while I was on leave.

       We're going to do an experiment with the movie clips this week and put
       them on Digi Steve's server.  Over the last few months, the Bluehaze
       ADSL line has become completely clogged up on a Friday with people
       downloading those, and since Steve has more bandwidth than me, it
       should work better.  Anyway, we'll give it a whirl and see what happens.

       First up in the humour department, something from our Hollywood
       correspondent, Len:
                              -----------------------


                                DEFEATING TERRORISM

We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than
his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk
out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think
it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for
all American women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at
your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and
applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.

                                God bless America

                                       and

                             GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And from Bob Topping:

                    SOME MORE AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL EXCHANGES

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"

                                =========

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the Little
Fokker in sight."
                                =========

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

                                =========

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now for a couple from Digi Maria (other half of Digi Steve):
                              -----------------------

                                  JUST REWARD

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair.
His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be
the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he
could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great
job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to
change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we
could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything
they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico
and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd
begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back
up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank
isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she
comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is
almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,
"What happened?  Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the
crowd.  What the hell is a pinata?!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                  And from Biggus, we just received this one:
                              -----------------------

                                  BAD PUN!

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the
newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for
many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered
quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honourable hit man
available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching
his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.

"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you
scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"

"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me
sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten years ago now".

"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"

"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chiseller. He never
even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth
shut about it", Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".

"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?

"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin'
about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ... speak now or
forever hold your piece."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from a new correspondent over in the good old UK - Beth Frear
       in Lincolnshire, we just received these:
                              -----------------------

                                   BURNS NIGHT

     Its a tad late for Burns Night but this gave me a great laugh.
     With apologies to Rabby Burns ...

                  TAE A FART

     Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
     Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
     Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
     There starts to stir an enormous wind.

     The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
     Start working like a gentle breeze
     But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
     Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

     Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
     a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
     Even if ye try tae stifle
     it's like a bullet oot a rifle

     Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
     Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
     Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
     Pray tae god it disnae reek

     But a' the efforts go asunder
     Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
     Ricochets arrond the room
     Michty me! a sonic boom

     God almighty it fairly reeks
     A' hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
     Tae the bog a' better scurry
     Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

     A'body roon aboot me choakin'
     One or two are nearly boakin'
     I'll feel better for a while
     Cannae help but raise a smile

     It wis him! I shout and glower
     Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
     Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
     I'm no that welcome any mair

     Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
     That sounds jist the joab fir me
     Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
     Ower the sake o' one wee farty

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----

                              SAVE THE WALES

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in
Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to
step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but
this time with a Welsh flavour.

The following are planned for release this year...

    * 9 1/2 Leeks
    * Trefforest Gump
    * Cwmando
    * The Lost Boyos
    * An American Werewolf in Powys
    * Huw Dares Gwyneth
    * Dai Hard
    * The Wizard of Oswestry
    * Cool Hand Look-you
    * Sheepless in Seattle
    * The Eagle has Llandudno
    * The Magnificent Severn
    * Haverfordwest Was Won
    * Austin Powys
    * The Magic Rhonddabout
    * Independence Dai
    * The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time
      Forgot
    * Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
    * Welsh Connection
    * Welsh Connection II
    * The Bridge on the River Wye
    * Lawrence of Llandybie
    * A Beautiful Mind-you
    * The Welsh Patient
    * The King and Mair
    * The Sheepshag Redemption
    * Breakfast at Taffynys
    * Look You Back in Bangor
    * Evans Can Wait
    * A Fishguard Called Rhondda
    * Where Eagles Aberdare
    * Dial M For Merthyr
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

         And from John Sanderson, this 1943 Guide for Hiring Women:
                              -----------------------

  The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation
  Magazine.

  It was a guide for hiring women. This was serious and written for male
  supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 58 years
  ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny" but, by today's standards,
  this is pretty hilarious!

  For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.

        ELEVEN TIPS ON GETTING MORE EFFICIENCY OUT OF WOMEN EMPLOYEES

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for
jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that
point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women
available and how to use them to the  best advantage. Here are eleven helpful
tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of
responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be
flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have
the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside
the home at sometime in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the
public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be
cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the
importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a
little on the heavy side - are more even-tempered and efficient than their
underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical
examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the
property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but also reveals whether the
employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or
physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time, the fact that a minute or two
lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is
gotten a cross, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that
they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few
minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they
have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding
work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another
at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier
with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have
to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence
and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick
and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are
often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never
ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even
though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to
dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have
a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Okay - some pics, and first up from Gropwo:

Board Room (movie): Click here
Seasons greetings (Shockwave): Click here
                              -----------------------

     And this cute bit of 3D animation as passed on by German George:

The Lion (movie): Click here
                              -----------------------

     And speaking of Moonboot, we received these a few weeks back:

Heineken ad (movie): Click here
Levis ad (movie): Click here
Erotic food ad (movie): Click here
Icecream ad (movie): Click here
Mastercard ad (movie): Click here
                              -----------------------

     I stumbled across this one.  It's the Lord Of The Rings from 1941.  It's
     VERY BIG (18Mb), so maybe start a new window while you're downloading.
     Worth a look though:

1941 LOTR (big movie!): Click here
                              -----------------------

     Ian Watson passed these on, but take care with the first one ... it's
     a slightly X-Rated ...

Survey (Powerpoint): Click here
Where'd he go? Click here
Gerouch! Click here
Smile, Sir! Click here
                              -----------------------

     And this mind-reading exercise came from our multi-skilled Brett:

Mind Reading (Powerpoint): Click here
                              -----------------------

     Talking of Digi Steve - he passed this one on:

God's mistake (Powerpoint): Click here
                              -----------------------

     And 3 of you sent this cute one in - Mandie, Melb Uni Lee, and Matt
     Richards!

Going home on Friday (movie): Click here
Coming back on Monday (movie): Click here
                              -----------------------

     Ian Madsen of course used his x-ray vision on this ...

Tsunami survivor: Click here
                              -----------------------

     And from Mandie the M&M, we also received this collection:

Men's kitchens (we wish) - movie: Click here
Just cute: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                              -----------------------

         Then Davo came across these preview clips of "Outfoxed":

Outfoxed 1 (movie preview): Click here
Outfoxed 2 (movie preview): Click here
                              -----------------------

         Our QCAT (now BHP) correspondent found this one:

Brocolli (Shockwave) - except it seems to be broken now :-( Click here
                              -----------------------

     Finally, a few shots of the result of Melbourne's weird weather of last
     Wednesday night and Thursday early morning.  We went from 37c (99f) at
     lunchtime on Wed to 20c (68f) by 5pm - and then the rain started.  We
     copped monumental winds overnight and around 120mm (6 inches) of rain.

     This was the result around the city of Melbourne - passed on by Maria
     the Digi person (and my daughter Rosie):

Lotsa rain in Melbourne town: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Although it's a bit late for Australia Day, Ron thought you may
         enjoy this:

                          GOD BUT I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE

WE ARE ONE - We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional wanker. We come from many lands and although we live in the best
country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever
we bloody like.  We are One Nation but divided into States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a Queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day,
and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch
is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's New South Wales, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with
sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of
it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks
to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that
bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome
at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It
holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't
seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners
and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you
so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out
of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it
when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to
fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work.  WA was the last state to
stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government
and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on
the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere
too.  Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture,
few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland.  While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably
made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled
it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh, yes ... and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy
when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better
than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party
albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win
one seat in Federal Parliament.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate"
our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what
if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so
much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still
tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket,
swimming, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and
horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the
worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza
delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards,
or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest
(the roo and emu).   No other country has this distinction!

                   HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                    And from UK Smithy (passed on via Davo):
                              -----------------------

    A SEVEN STEP GUIDE FOR WHEN YOU'VE JUST WOKEN UP IN THE GUTTER
              FROM A VERY BIG NIGHT OUT IN AUSTRALIA

1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to be in.

2. Turn left into a side street.

3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart,
   possibly Perth.

4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley, you are probably in Adelaide,
   Sydney or Brisbane. If you are in Adelaide, buy up, let's face it - if
   you're not stoned in Adelaide, there's not a lot else to do. If the drug
   dealer stabs you, however, you're in Sydney.

5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you ended back up on
   the street you began on, you are in Canberra.

6. If the alley is filled with cool cafes and underground basement dance clubs
   that seemingly nobody knows about, you are in Melbourne.

7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you are in Darwin.
   Don't worry about looking for the alley, just leave.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now it's over to the frothy old CUB factory and this one from John:
                              -----------------------

                         DEFENCE FORCES - RULES OF COMBAT

                                      ARMY

1. Bring a weapon.  Preferably, bring at least two.  Bring all of your
   friends who have weapons.  Bring their friends who have weapons.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.  Ammo is cheap.  Life is
   expensive.

3. Only hits count.  Close doesn't count.  The only thing worse than a miss
   is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough,
   nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker.  Distance is your friend.  (Lateral and
   diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. Watch their hands.  Hands kill.  (In God we trust.  Everyone else, keep
   your hands where I can see them).

7. Be polite.  Be professional.  But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

8. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker
   factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.

10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME.  "All skill is in vain when an angel
   pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

11.Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have
   to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

12.Have a plan.

13.Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14.Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
   avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

                                      NAVY

1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
3. Drink Coffee

                                    AIR FORCE

1. Kiss the spouse good-bye
2. Drive to the flight line
3. Fly to target area, drop off Army, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----

In a small village in Greece an old man sits in the taverna complaining to
his friend about life's misfortunes.

"When I comma here 50 years ago I choppa the trees down, I maka the timber,
I builda the village. You thinka they call me `Spiro the great builder'?  No.

"I builda the boats,  I catcha the fish.You thinka they call me `Spiro the
great fisherman'?  No.

"I planta the vineyard, I maka the wine.You thinka they call me `Spiro the
great winemaker'?  No.

"But I sleepa with one goat ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                And finally - one last one from Digi Maria:
                              -----------------------

                         MEDIEVAL PICK-UP LINES

"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?"

"Been there, slain that."

"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing
they stretched."

"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping
chambers floor."

Wench: "What's that sound?"
Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

"Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

"Your hovel or mine?"

"Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

"I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

"Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

"You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and
told me that I must bed you ... the fate of England depends is on it!!"

"I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex
with frogs?"

"My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out
of it."

"I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and ... err
... punish me, now won't you?"

"You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel.  Only
it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

"I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

"C'mon, m'lady ... didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps
the black plague away."

"I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
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[ End Friday humour ]


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