Friday humour - January 27, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

     G'day
  Once again we Aussies have had a day off to celebrate what is more and more
  being known as Invasion Day.  Surely there must be a better date to celebrate
  than the day Imperial Britain decided to colonise Terra Australis and wipe
  out the indigenous peoples.

  Australian football's CEO, Andrew Demetriou, delivered a thoughtful Australia
  Day address at the Melbourne Convention Centre.  The Age printed an edited
  extract of his speech under the by-line "Have we lost our way as a
  compassionate, welcoming, generous nation?   We're clearly not the country
  we were."

  Demetriou's parents arrived in Oz from Cyprus in 1951.  He argues that it
  wasn't easy for migrants then. But it is much harder now.  In those days
  there was disillusionment with some strange migrant customs but a general
  acceptance to let the new residents live their lives without prejudice.

  In the 70s the Whitlam and Frazer governments embraced immigration and
  multiculturalism.  SBS-TV was created along with several ethnic radio
  stations.  It seemed that Australia had grown up.

  Enter Honest John Howard.  And it's back to the 50s and worse.  He and
  his senior Ministers stop at nothing to spread fear and alarm in their
  quest to enjoy their perks of office.  Demonising all those who are not
  of their ilk seems to be almost a game to them.  Human rights and civil
  liberties are thrown out the window.

  One has to consider how they get away with it - particularly the lies and
  deceptions.  And the only logical answer is that the majority of Aussies
  subscribe to the theory "I'm alright Jack" and simply couldn't care less.
  It is sad for those who do.

  As Demetriou puts it ...

    "We are more inclined to self-interest than sharing; more interested in
     surpluses than what we do with them, more interested in the stockmarket
     than the state of education and equality of opportunity.

     If a Tampa suddenly appeared on our borders today, I'd like to think we
     might ask how we embrace the people on board, rather than how to rid
     ourselves of the problem."  For full article, Click here

  While in a pensive mood you may like to read this first person account of the
  Tsunami tragedy from an American in Thailand - sent in by Eric in South
  Africa.  It really hits home - Click here

  To turn to something more pleasant, checkout the artwork in this website
  sent in by Kaiser.  Wow!  Click here

  Before we get to this weeks funnies why not try this self esteem game sent
  in by Muse in Canada.  Click here

  ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

  First up this week - from Alnutts:

                            THE YANKEE WHIZZER

An American tourist in Dublin decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub
to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area... big, stately
residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO
PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a
narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a member of the Garda,
who says, "I'm afraid you can't do that here sir."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Garda, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which
he opens.

"In there," points the Garda. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Garda "That was
really decent of you... is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Garda, "that is what we call the British Embassy."

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   This was from B Frear

                         BUSH'S INAUGURAL ADDRESS

"My promise to the American people: To cast a wide net for freedom, from
the ancient ruins of Enron to the future ruins of Iran."
                          - - - - - - - - - - - -
By Joyce McGreevy

Jan. 20, 2005 - Thank you. Thank you, boys. Gentleman in the black robe over
there to my right. Presidents Jimmy, Billy and Daddy. Distinguished check
writers. And a shout-out to the American people, wherever they may be.

We've had us a time, haven't we? Delivered some swift kicks, both foreign
and domestic. Took a evildoer out of a deep hole and secured our economy in
its place. In Iraq, we retaliated in advance, and in Ohio, we never had to
retally at all.

Wherever we saw the environment, we took care of it. Barney ate fish out
of a bucket on the Outdoor Channel, and I went to a town hall and shot me
some fish in a oil barrel. I call that being a steward of the land before
it can steward unto you. We put on a Clear Skies Act, so someday, if the
environment rears its head again, your children and grandchildren will not
have to look at that sort of thing.

We took on education and won, passing the buck to a few good spokesmen and
making it easier for a pretty swell bunch of mammon lovers for Jesus to get
their hands on the rest. Because wherever two or more think tanks and charter
schools is gathered in his name, so goes the agenda. Donor by donor, pawn
by pawn, we're forming a coalition of the shilling to lead this children's
crusade all the way to the front lines of graduation -- to what I'd rather
not say. The future is ours, and the rest will just have to figure something
out when they get there.

We reached out to hundreds of Muslims detainerated in Guantįanamera, making
the camp all permanent like, because they hate our freedom. We put an end
to torture by calling it "I Can't Believe It's Not Torture." Sometimes words
have consequences, and that's why God gave us revisionism.

To our bravest young men and women, especially the first to arrive in Baghdad,
we bequeathified a place in our ownership society®. Own your own plan, we
said -- invasion, security, exit -- see what you can come up with. Buy your
own safety gear. Here, have a stop-loss order. Go on, take it.

Heck, own your own darn reason why we're there in the first place. Then,
in 16 words or less, write it on the back of a postcard, and mail it to
"Justification of Invasion: Top Ten Reasons Contest, Attn: Scotty on the Spot,
the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Behind the Barricade, District of
Condoleezza." Winner will be chosen by random drawing. This offer not valid
in Massachusetts.

If you make it back, why not buy years of therapy and start up a little
business? When someone buys a machine part, someone else has to manufact
it. Just not here. Nobody said fair trade was fair.

And it just keeps getting better. There's 'bout to be an election at an
undisclosed location so people in Iraq can experience the same rights as
voters in Miami-Dade and Broward counties. You're welcome. Wish we could
loan you the DLC, which was such a big help to our campaign. Wonderful pack
of sit-down guys. No, really, I mean it. You boys get any more agreeable,
I'm going to offer you a place in my Cabinet. So keep up the nice work
and don't let 56 million people tell you different. Also wanna thank the
press. You kids are cuter 'n a box of Bill Frist lab kittens. Here, have
some more yarn. You've earned it.

Which brings me to today. America has spoken, and I've made it a point of
personal pride never to listen. That's called a mandate. Anybody need some
political capital? I got your capital right here. With a mandate comes the
solemn duty to do what I want. And it starts with T and it ends with E,
and that spells Social Security reform. Which is exactly what the 2004
campaign was all about, 'cept back in that era I told the American people
it was national security. Whatever.

There's an old saying about Social Security. "If it ain't broke, fix me
once. Break it, won't get paid again." Well, if it ain't broke, someone
better get on with it. I got only 18 months to piratize this sucker. The
sooner we get cracking, the sooner the big fix can begin.

Some folks say this is a cynical attempt to take down the most effective
means of preventing poverty in the history of our nation. That only proves
Social Security is too big for its britches. The little showoff is on stronger
financial footing than the U. S. government itself, and that's just uppity.

Far be it from me to play the fear card, but the British government has
learned that Social Security recently sought significant quantities of
uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that Social Security
has stockpiled a surplus even as we try to convince the American people it's
flat bust. Flat bust, I tell you. The government now has irrefutable proof
that Social Security is in crisis. Because I said so, that's why.

We cannot stand by and invest our solvency in low-income seniors, the disabled
and survivors of a deceased parent. Who died and made them the unborn? For
only $2 trillion we could accomplish a peaceful transfer of power and cashola
to people who have the necessary experience.

Some say we're cozying up to financial services companies and their executives
'cause they donated 4 million bucks -- more than any other industry --
to today's ignorification. Some say Wall Street will reap a windfall once
Congress makes nice with my plan for these pirate investment accounts. Some
even say that high-finance types may have some interest in my mission to
make tax cuts permanent for the right people. This is news to me, and as
such I would never have been briefed on it.

But to single out money-grubbing speculators is a flat-out insult to the
energy companies and their executives, who also ponied up more than $2.7
million for today's celebration of freedom. Those energy folks has worked
closely with me for years to make sure all Americans walk in the light of
an industry-friendly energy bill. Freedom from regulation is on the march.

And that is my promise to the American people. To cast a wide net for freedom,
from the ancient ruins of Enron to the future ruins of Iran, with lots of
interesting alleys along the way. Freedom to stand in mute unity with the
Republican House and Senate. Freedom from tyranny, be it the corporate tax
or the frivolous lawsuit. Freedom to navigate your own way, whether through
healthcare or unemployment. Freedom to make a difference in the lives of
others, like gay couples and pro-choice women.

Now let's get this party started. Heavily armed SWAT teams and trained
attack dogs are standing by to help you celebrate your freedom and keep a
safe distance from my limo. God bless America. And that's an order.

      ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

    These old religious ones came in from The Great Man who's still sunning
    himself on the Island

                                IRISH PRIESTS

Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of
them what they would like to be when they grew up.

She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a
prostitute." Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot.

Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the
little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?"

The little girl replied, "A prostitute."

"Oh thank goodness" the relieved nun replied "I thought you said a Protestant."

     ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~


                                 THE JACKASS

Irish father O'Malley got up one fine spring morning and walked to the window
of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station. The conversation went something like this ...

"What a grand mornin' it is! This is Sgt. Flaherty - how might I help ye?"

"This is Father O'Malley at St. Bridget's. There's a jackass lying dead on
me front lawn. Would ye mind sending a couple o'yer lads to take care of
the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit, so he said "Well,
now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the
last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley
replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin."

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                                   LOOSE LIPS

A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the
priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!"

"I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use
those terms in expressing yourself."

"I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned
good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty quid note in the
collection basket."

"The hell you did?!" replied the priest.

  ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~


                                   ATONEMENT

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,"
he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations."

  ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~


   Darwin John enjoyed last weeks jokes from Stevo and someone with the
   initials PH from the workshop - so he's decided to to take this weeks
   Bad Taste Award

                                  TOILET SEX

Three soldiers, all friends have been fighting in the trenches together for
what seemed like months.

One night amid sporadic gunfire one of them asks the other two to give him
covering fire while he runs back to the trench they use for a latrine. They
comply and after an inordinately long time they decide he must have been hit.

After another half hour he calls out asking for more cover so he can return. As
he scuttles into their trench they ask what kept him.

"Well," he confesses "there's a woman back there and I had the most amazing
sex with her, what more can I say."

The other two look startled and begin to quiz him on the details. "Did you
get a head job?" one of his green-with-envy colleagues asks.

"No," the answer came, "she didn't have a head."

      ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

    This is the first FH contribution from Torch on the Sunny Gold Coast

                                CLEVER SAYINGS

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

2. A backward poet writes inverse.

3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

4. Dijon vu, the same mustard as before.

5. Practice safe eating: always use safe condiments.

6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

7. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really just a form of floor play.

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is too tired.

15. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

18. She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but broke it off.

19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

25. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

27. Every calendar's days are numbered.

28. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

32. Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

33. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

34. Bakers trade bread recipes on a kneed to know basis.

35. Santa' helpers are subordinate clauses.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

       ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

    UK Smithy sent these ones in

                                   EN-ROUTE

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was
in at the hotel and called her, wondering what had happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

     ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

                          FUNNY MOTOR INSURANCE CLAIMS

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye
on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled
by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim
form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was
given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant
tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and
hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached
over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her
to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous
nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into
the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that
I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in
a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to
what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it
was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several
times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed
into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the
corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if
the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The
driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when
we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner
that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and
parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced
ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a
section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the
compensation claim.

      ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~


    This weeks pics are from Newbie Gold Coast Torch, Gropwo, Allnutts, Stevo,
    Mad Mick of Marwick, Moonboot, UniLee, Kai, and you know who you are.

Comic assortment: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Illusions Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Hot day at the Perth Cup ... interesting crowd (slightly X-rated) Click here

Stuffed (X-rated) Click here

Top pics of 2004 (a few repeats): Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Artistic driver Click here

Simple keyboard Click here

Greek wedding (movie) Click here

Mullet Cops (Powerpoint slide show) Click here

Digicam (Powerpoint slide show) Click here

Volvo Car Wash (movie) Click here

Paradise people (movie) Click here

Man v Woman (Powerpoint slide show) Click here

Bets Man (movie) Click here

[ And I'll bet some of you missed a couple of great links that Davo hid in
  this week's "editorial".  If so, go look - the 2nd last one is an absolute
  doozy. (Bluehaze ed.) ]

     ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

    Back to ASCII and some E News from Hollywood len

                            A NEW WINE FOR SENIORS

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot
Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to
the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

      ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

   Another from Smithy in the Sherwood Forest

                            FUNNY "WEAKEST LINK" ANSWERS

Q: In the Second World War the word 'Commie' was a derogatory term for a person
   belonging to which political party? 
A: Conservative.

Q: The wife of a Marquess is known by which title? 
A: Duchess.

Q: The road signs in the UK that warn the road user are of what geometric shape? 
A: Z.

Q: Macaws are from which faimly of birds? 
A: Kestrels.

Q: What is the technical term for the mass of earth thrown out by an earthworm? 
A: Hip.

Q: The island of Sri Lanka lies off the coast of which Asian country? 
A: South Africa.

Q: The phrase much used by football pundits is 'early windows' or 'early
   doors'? 
A: Early windows.

Q: Cognac is a fine brandy made from the juice of which fruit? 
A: Coconut.

Q: What 'P' is the Spanish word for quick and is used in English to mean 'at
   once'? 
A: Pacy.

Q: Tunis is the capital city of which North African country? 
A: Morocco.

Q: Who became US president when Nixon resigned? 
A: Kennedy.

Q: What 'L' is the name given to the poet who wins the Nobel prize? 
A: Leaf.

Q: The Groucho Marx film is called 'Animal..' what? 
A: Instincts.

Q: Which city was the capital of New Zealand until it was replaced by
   Wellington? 
A: New Guinea.

Q: According to the popular wartime song which birds will be over the white
   cliffs of Dover? 
A: Jailbirds.

Q: In the Beano comic which character is known as 'the Minx'? 
A: Dodger.

Q: Cantaloupe, Galia and Honeydew are types of which fruit? 
A: Orange.

Q: What is the name for six children born to a mother at the same time? 
A: Quintlets.

Q: What is the name of the insect which makes honey? 
A: Honey Fly.

Q: The plant sisal is used to make which comodity, rope or tequila? 
A: Tequila.

Q: What two words does a drill-sergeant use to make marching troops turn
   around? 
A: Reverse March.

Q: What boy's name goes before 'snipe' and 'daw' to give two birds' names? 
A: Peter.

Q: What was the relationship of the author of Wuthering Heights to the author
   of Jayne Eyre? 
A: Father.

Q: What 'X' is the fear of foreigners or strangers? 
A: The X-Factor.

Q: In athletics in which discipline does the competitor hold a metal ball under
   their chin before throwing it? 
A: Discus.

Q: Which character in a Bram Stoker novel is reportedly buried in Whitby? 
A: Sherlock Holmes.

Q: In the kitchen which container is hermetically sealed and is also known by
   the metal from which it is made? 
A: Plastic.

Q: Which lively dance is the first name for a spotted pattern on fabric? 
A: Calico.

Q: What word for the catchment of a river is also the word for a bathroom sink? 
A: Tub.

Q: What name for an old British coin goes before 'fowl and 'pig' to give two
   names of creatures? 
A: Penny.

Q: A clog is worn on which part of the body? 
A: The bottom.

Q: What word means the order of lessons in schools and the running of trains
   and buses? 
A: Agenda.

Q: In the modern English alphabet which is the penultimate letter? 
A: Z.

Q: Which percentage of milk is fat, four or forty? 
A: Forty.

Q: A famous publisher of romantic novels was founded by 'Gerald Mills and
   Charles..' what? 
A: Dickens.

Q: What Carly Simon song starts 'You walked into the party like you were walking
   aboard a yacht'? 
A: I Got You Babe.

Q: What is the name commonly given to the hard protective covering of a crab? 
A: Skin.

Q: What word can mean touch-down of an aeroplane or the level floor between
   two staircases? 
A: Step.

Q: A person who earns just enough for basic needs is said to live 'hand to
   ..' what? 
A: Foot.

Q: In the human body what is the name of the main olfactory
   organ? 
A: Liver.

Q: What 'Mr-Man' is depicted as blue and covered in bandages? 
A: Mr Accident.

Q: In the children's TV program called The Herbs, 'Parsley' was a depiction of
   what animal? 
A: Hedgehog.

Q: Which is greater: one metre or a thousand centimetres? 
A: They're the same.

Q: In America the Golden Gate Bridge is a feature of which city? 
A: New York.

Q: What surname do actors Beau and Jeff share with their father Lloyd? 
A: Derek.

Q: A human adult has how many wisdom teeth? 
A: Two.

Q: The title of the musical is 'Five Guys Named..' what? 
A: Fred.

Q: In the Simon and Garfunkel song 'Homeward Bound' the lyrics are 'I'm sitting
   in the railway station, got a ticket for my ..' what? 
A: Train.

Q: In the song which animal lived in a windmill in Old Amsterdam? 
A: Cat.

Q: The column called 'Colemanballs' appears in which satirical magazine? 
A: Which Magazine.

Q: The bushwhacker and outlaw Ned Kelly was born in which country? 
A: Canada.

Q: The (UK) National Space Centre is based in which Midlands city? 
A: Chicago.

Q: What is twenty-three plus twenty-eight? 
A: Forty-eight.

Q: What is a pop song called which has omitted the vocals? 
A: Accupello.

Q: The principal characters in the book Watership Down are what type of
   creatures? 
A: Beavers.

Q: What is the name of a small posy of flowers worn on an evening dress -
   a dressage or a corsage? 
A: Pocket.

Q: What name for someone qualified to fly a plane precedes 'fish' and 'whale'
   to give the names of two sea creatures? 
A: Shell.

Q: What is the name for someone who moves stealthily, or for the plant
   'Virginia..'? 
A: Wolf.

Q: What word connected to drum, disc and air is associated with slowing down
   a vehicle? 
A: Gun.

Q: What 'B' is another name for the American Buffalo? 
A: Boar.

Q: In Maths, 'proper' and 'vulgar' are types of what number? 
A: Even numbers.

Q: What 'T' is the answer to any addition sum? 
A: Takeaway.

Q: In nature which group gives birth to live young - mammals or birds? 
A: Birds.

Q: Emperor Augustus used to boast that in Rome he had found a city made of
   brick and left it made of what stone? 
A: Rubble.

Q: Which 'H' means the emergence of young creatures from eggs? 
A: Hibernation.

Q: Gin mixed with angostura bitters is known as what 'gin'?
A: Red.

Q: Donkeys and other load-bearing animals are known as 'beasts of ..' what? 
A: Power.

Q: Cotton buds carry a warning not to insert them into which part of the body? 
A: Eyes.

Q: Mother Theresa of Calcutta was awarded a Nobel prize for what? 
A: Looking after poor children.

Q: What is twenty-one plus seventy-nine? 
A: Ninety-eight.

Q: What war-time song by Vera Lynn included the words 'Don't know where, don't
   know when? 
A: We'll come again.

Q: What word for the past tense of 'rise' is also a widely cultivated flower? 
A: Risen.

Q: In rambling, what is the name of a set of steps that people can climb over? 
A: Sty.

Q: Mr Bun the Baker is a character from the card game 'Happy..' what? 
A: Days.

Q: Cantonese and Mandarin are languages which originated in which country? 
A: Spain.

Q: The film starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers was called 'Flying down
   to..' where? 
A: Halifax.

Q: What is the name of the underground part of a plant that is also the name
   for ancestry and heritage? 
A: Tubular.

Q: Elderly people are described as being what ' in the tooth'? 
A: Old.

Q: Weight-lifting is also known as 'pumping..' what metal? 
A: Steel.

Q: A person who is eccentric is often described as having what animals ' in the
   belfry'? 
A: Pigs.

Q: The longest day of the year occurs in which month? 
A: Winter.

Q: Budgerigars are native to which country? 
A: Britain.

Q: When people arrive at a hotel reception with luggage it is called
   'checking..' what? 
A: Luggage.

Q: In religion a customary expression refers to 'The Father..' and which other
   relative? 
A: Ghost.

Q: The book 'Kate Remembered' is about which late American
   actress? 
A: Lauren Bacall.

Q: What girl's name is the same as stations in London and Manchester? 
A: Piccadilly.

Q: In the game 'scissors, paper, stone', what beats
   paper? 
A: Stone.

Q: What word meaning chilly goes before snap, front and spell in weather
   forecasting? 
A: Fine.

Q: What word follows record, designer and luggage to form three other phrases? 
A: Rack.

Q: What 'L' is a pulse which is the main ingredient of the Indian dish, dhal? 
A: Rice.

Q: What item in the kitchen might include an interior light, automatic de-frost,
   and an egg-rack? 
A: Microwave.

Q: What word that means 'existing' precedes 'room' and is another name for the
   lounge in a house? 
A: Front.

Q: What is thirty-nine times two ? 
A: Sixty-four.

Q: What is the name of the large absorbent cloth used to dry the body after a
   bath or shower? 
A: Sponge.

Q: In the army, parade-ground drill is known as 'square..' what? 
A: Mile.

Q: What term for a young deer is also a light brown colour? 
A: Fallow.

Q: What is three hundred and sixty divided by three? 
A: One hundred and sixty.

Q: An annual event takes place how many times a year? 
A: Twelve.

Q: What word can mean a space-craft, a firework, and a severe reprimand? 
A: Shuttle.

Q: What is three-quarters of eight? 
A: Two.

Q: What is the three-letter name of the area which is the background for the
   sun, moon and stars? 
A: Sea.

Q: What 'B' is the cake covered in marzipan, with a pink and cream-coloured
   checquered inside? 
A: Banoffee.

Q: At the seaside, novelty shops sell hats with the slogan, what ' me quick'? 
A: Whip.

Q: A usual sign for a pawnbrokers shop is how many brass balls? 
A: Five.

Q: Leibfraumilch is a wine produced in which European country? 
A: France.

Q: What fruit juice is in a pina colada? 
A: Mango.

Q: If 'oversteer' makes a car take a bend too sharply, what makes a car go
   straight? 
A: Holding the steering wheel straight.

Q: In the Olympics what event includes the parallel bars and the high bar? 
A: The pentathlon.

Q: Prisoner Robert Stroud was known as the what of Alcatraz? 
A: Killer.

Q: An old pre-war popular children's playground chant was 'Hark the Herald
A: Angels sing, Mrs Simpson's pinched our ' what?
A: Toast.

Q: What is twelve plus thirteen? 
A: Thirty-five.

Q: Fisherman's pie is a dish topped with which mashed vegetable? 
A: Cabbage.

Q: What is the capital city of Chile? 
A: Peru.

Q: What is fixed into window frames using putty? 
A: Cement.

Q: What is a stick called that has horse hair stretched across it and is used
   to play a musical instrument? 
A: A brush.

Q: What is the cube root of a thousand? 
A: A million.

Q: What native American chieftain was the title of a poem by Longfellow? 
A: Chief.

Q: In the nursery rhyme 'Ding Dong Dell', the pussycat was pulled out of the
   well by 'Tommy..' who? 
A: Cockles.

Q: Juan Peron was the president of which South American country? 
A: Peru.

Q: What is thirty-four minus fourteen? 
A: Twenty-six.

Q: What 'L' is an open-work fabric associated with the French town of Chantilly?
A: Louvre.

Q: What is twelve plus thirteen? 
A: Thirty-five.

Q: The word 'tan' is an anagram of which insect? 
A: Pass.

Q: What is the acronym for 'Double Income No Kids Yet'? 
A: DKNY.

Q: On an aircraft, the name of what thrust-producing device is shortened to
'prop'? 
A: Thruster.

Q: What imperial length is the equivalent to eight furlongs? 
A: A kilometer.

Q: Who became manager of Manchester United in 1986? 
A: David Beckham.

Q: What 'U' is given to the name of a symphony by Schubert? 
A: 1964.

Q: A centenary celebrates how many years of a particular event? 
A: Ten.

Q: John Glenn was the first man from which country to orbit the Earth? 
A: Russia.

Q: A performance that leads to tumultuous cheering is said to 'bring down the'
   what? 
A: Curtain.

Q: The song of the cuckoo is said to herald the start of which season? 
A: Autumn.

Q: The first successful heart transplant operation was carried out by 'Dr
Christian..' who? 
A: Barnardo.

Q: What pasta is mentioned in the last line of 'Yankee Doodle Dandy'? 
A: Spaghetti.

Q: The poem by Rudyard Kipling is called 'Gunga..' what? 
A: Ho.

Q: It is customary for Roman Catholics eat fish on which day of the week? 
A: Tuesday.

Q: What colour was the big taxi in the song by Joni Mitchell? 
A: Red.

Q: In the circus which three letter word goes before 'top? 
A: Hat.

Q: The Johnny Cash song was called 'A Boy Named..' what? 
A: Joe.

Q: What word is shared by the decorative display of flowers along the edge of
   a lawn, and a dividing line between two countries? 
A: Bed.

Q: Following the death of Roosevelt in 1945 who became US president? 
A: Abraham Lincoln.

Q: A mustang is a wild breed of which animal? 
A: Cat.

Q: Coney is another name for which burrowing animal? 
A: Badger.

Q: What is 358 minus 357? 
A: Four.

Q: The name of a car insurance is 'Third Party, Fire..' and what? 
A: Damage.

Q: The word 'ape' is an anagram of which small vegetable? 
A: Apple.

Q: When someone shows joy or elation they are said to be pleased as..? 
A: God.

Q: A person who utters a string of obscenities is said to turn the air what
   colour? 
A: Red.

Q: What word that means 'to mutter' is the name of a seaside resort in Wales? 
A: Spittle.

Q: Which type of punishment shares its name with a rank in the army? 
A: Capital.

Q: Jennifer Lopez sang with Buster who? 
A: Keating.

Q: Mount Olympus is the highest mountain in which European country? 
A: Austria.

Q: New Orleans is nick-named 'The Big..' what? 
A: Apple.

Q: What word that means 'the same all over' is the name given to the clothes
   worn by the police and the armed services? 
A: Overalls.

Q: Which three-letter word means to cut grass? 
A: Trim.

Q: The 'Tale Of Two Cities' starts "It was the best of times, it was .." what? 
A: Summer.

Q: What tall plant that is found near water gives its name to the vibrating
   part of an instrument such as the oboe? 
A: Cactus.

Q: What is a quarter plus a quarter? 
A: An eighth.

Q: In the human body, insulin and adrenaline are types of what? 
A: Steroids.

Q: What is the last letter of the Greek alphabet? 
A: Z.

Q: What letter in the modern alphabet lies between P and R? 
A: O.

Q: Who was prime minister when England won the Soccer World Cup in 1966? 
A: Woodrow Wilson.

Q: Which animals build dams and lodges? 
A: Sheep.

Q: The title of the book by Jerome K Jerome was 'Three Men In A ..' what? 
A: Baby.

Q: 'Bolster' is an anagram of which sea crustacean? 
A: Crab.

Q: When someone makes a century in cricket how many runs do they score? 
A: Two.

Q: What country has the highest number of Portuguese speakers? 
A: Spain.

Q: The celebrity Chef with a first name beginning with an 'H' and the surname
   'Fearnley-Whittingstall' is called? 
A: Rick Stein.

Q: Vietnam has land borders with Laos and Cambodia and which other country? 
A: America.

Q: William Burroughs' 1959 novel was called 'The Naked..' what? 
A: Chef.

Q: Which oriental country shares its name with a type of porcelain? 
A: Portugal.

Q: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with 'G', took the name Mahatma? 
A: Geronimo.

Q: What 'K' is the currency of Sweden? 
A: Kennel.

Q: Which calendar month was named after the first Roman Emperor, Augustus
   Caesar? 
A: June.

Q: Which 'D' is an area of Holland famous for its distinctive pottery? 
A: Denmark.

Q: In which century was Hadrian's Wall built? 
A: The eighteenth.

Q: Which organ of the human body is used for smelling and breathing? 
A: The lungs.

Q: Which beverage has varieties including latte and mocha? 
A: Milk.

Q: What word beginning with 'G' is the area of medicine specialising in the
   treatment of the elderly? 
A: Gynaecology.

Q: Which Cluedo character has a military rank? 
A: Colonel Sanders

Q: What does the acronym NASA stand for? 
A: National Socialist Space Satellite.

Q: According to the common saying, revenge is a dish best served 'cold' or
   'on toast'? 
A: On toast.

Q: Which German city is also the name of a type of perfume? 
A: Berlin.

Q: In nature, cumulus and cirrus are types of what? 
A: Lion.

Q: What is the highest prime number under ten? 
A: Eleven.

Q: What is one half as a decimal? 
A: A quarter.

Q: What was the last state to join the USA? 
A: Canada.

Q: What kind of dozen is thirteen? 
A: Half a dozen.

Q: What is a singlet; a bachelor or a vest? 
A: A bachelor.

Q: What man-made structure built during the 3rd century B. C. is often said to
   be visible from space? 
A: The Millennium Dome.

Q: How many 'E's are there in 'argument'? 
A: Three.

Q: At the battle of Waterloo which general's horse was called Copenhagen? 
A: Lord Nelson.

Q: Sri Lanka is situated to the south-east of which Asian country? 
A: South Africa.

Q: What is the capital of Iraq? 
A: Iran.

Q: The equator divides the world into how many hemispheres? 
A: Three.

Q: In olden times, what were minstrels: travelling entertainers or chocolate
   salesmen? 
A: Chocolate salesmen.

Q: In which film did Dudley Moore star as the title character? 
A: 10.

Q: 'Achtung' is a word for warning in which European language? 
A: Chinese.

Q: Which three-letter word is known as 'the definite article'? 
A: It.

Q: In what century was the composer Johann Sebastian Bach born? 
A: Twentieth.

Q: Which European language do the words Blitz, Kindergarten and Angst come
   from? 
A: Italian.

Q: Who initiated the Chinese cultural revolution? 
A: Ming.

Q: Which musician famous for playing the piano honky-tonk style died in the
   year 2000? 
A: Elton John.

Q: In the TV series of the same name, who played the pathologist Quincy? 
Quincy.

Q: The name of which famous racehorse was the word 'murder' spelt backwards? 
A: Shergar.

Q: The name of which Italian, born in 1469, is synonymous with immoral cunning? 
A: Mussolini.

Q: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? 
A: Bombay.

Q: What is the French for 'ready to wear'? 
A: Pret a Manger

Q: Hadrian's Wall was built to keep out which tribe, the Picts or the Zulus? 
A: The Zulus.

Q: What was the first name of the German composer Bach, who was born in 1685? 
A: Edward

Q: Poet Philip Larkin was born in what century? 
A: Seventeenth.

Q: Which bird gives its name to a straight-legged marching step? 
A: Cuckoo.

Q: What is the correct name for the Australian wild dog? 
A: Dingbat.

Q: In what language, spoken in part of the United Kingdom, was the hymn 'Guide
   Me O Thou Great Redeemer' originally written? 
A: Islam.

Q: What does a bat use to facilitate flying in the dark? 
A: Wings.

Q: What 'C' is a large North American reindeer? 
A: Moose.

Q: Cro-Magnon was an early form of which mammal, which now numbers in the
   millions? 
A: Crabs.

Q: Pakistan was part of which other state until it achieved independence in
   1947? 
A: Bulgaria.

Q: Which South American country has borders with ten others? 
A: China.

Q: Which city was chosen to host the first Chinese Grand Prix? 
A: Tokyo.

Q: What is the name of the 1994 Oscar winning film which starred Ben Kingsley
   as Yitzak Stern? 
A: Gandhi.

Q: Complete the title of the well-known play: 'The Iceman..'? 
A: Melts.

Q: What was the title of the play 'La Cage aux Folles' when it was made into
   a movie starring Robin Williams? 
A: Mrs Doubtfire.

Q: How many units are there in a dozen? 
A: Thirteen.

Q: Which product had an advertising ban imposed on it in 1999? 
A: Marmalade.

Q: In what European country was actor Antonio Banderas born? 
A: Mexico.

Q: What prize did Albert Einstein win in 1921 for his work in physics? 
A: The Booker Prize.

Q: In 1987, the Bangles had a number one UK hit with the song 'Walk like
   a..'? 
A: Stranger.

Q: What 'C' is a wine drunk on special occasions? 
A: Chardonnay.

Q: The 19th century novel by the Russian author Dostoevsky is called 'Crime
   and..' what? 
A: Prejudice.

Q: In fashion, what does the term 'pret a porter' means? 
A: Carrying clothes.

Q: Which is the largest and most heavily populated island in the Mediterranean
   sea? 
A: Spain.

Q: What 'Z' is used to describe a human who has returned from the dead? 
A: Unicorn.

  ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~

   And some final havoc from Maayan (filling in for Trev in South Africa)

                     THE ANSWERS TO ALL MY HEALTH CONCERNS

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries
in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming -
WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

      ~~~~b~~~~~~~l~~~~~~~u~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~z~~~~~~~e~~~~


Quote of the Week

           "Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime."
                                                                                                                - Aristotle

  ~~~~t~~~~~~~h~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~B~~~~~~~H~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~n~~~~~~~d~~~~

[ End Fri humour ]

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