Friday humour - January 20, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:



Yo!

Well it would appear that the Labor Party has imploded.  Opposition leader
Latham has been hounded out of office by a hungry press and some nervous
nellie Labor state premiers.  His performance since the election has been
pathetic and his sickly silence over recent weeks simply pitiful.  I have
to say I liked the Big Mouth version that grabbed the Labor leadership 13
months ago - but most didn't.  His Mogodon Mark performance in the early
weeks of the campaign was a turn off.

Let's hope someone can get NSW Premier Carr to stand for Latham's seat
of Bennelong.

Thanks to Ian J and Olivine next door for pointing out that last weeks Tsunami
pics were a hoax.  Well I didn't say they were real - only spectacular.
Crikey.com was the first to blow the whistle on National Nine News and Sky
News for rushing to air with these pics before verifying them.

Nice to find out where two more of our contributors come from.  Moonboot should
be sent to Coventry for narrowing things down with this map of his local area.
 Click here

And Gropwo lives near one of the beautiful state forests in Queensland.

BTW ... GROPWO (who we're not going to call Mad Max) stands for "Grossly
Over Promoted Warrant Officer" from his succesful days in the Oz Army.

The Great Man is currently meandering around Phillip Island enjoying the sun
and the surf and yelling at the kids.  He forwarded a barage of jokes across
when momentarily popping into the Bluehaze production facility during the week.

Keep forwarding your stuff to ... fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

First up this one from South African Eric in his tree, and dogs ... Legs,
Tammy, and Rusty

                     FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

Fifteen Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking
their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3'
in housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay bye.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are kept.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme song.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then,
yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

    From Digi Maria

                              THREE LITTLE PIGS

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes
their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I
would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and
lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I
want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate,"
said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the
third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split,"
said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I
want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but
why have you only ordered water all evening?" The third piggy says, "Well,
somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~


   The Bad Taste Award goes to ... Stevo and you know who you are in the
   workshop ... for these quick clangers ...

Santa was too busy when he flew over Indonesia so he just gave them a wave.

Q  -  Who won the recent Bells Beach Surfing Contest?
A  -  A Sri Lankan on a wardrobe.

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

These three from the Great Man in holiday mode on the Island

                          THE PRIEST AND THE FROG

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had
been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog
sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because
I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too
was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch
of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a
cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog
you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing
this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said that if a nice kind person would pick me up,
take me home, give me food and warmth and a good nights sleep, I'd wake up
as a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took
him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire,
and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke,
he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed.

"And that my lord is the case for the Defence ... "

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~


                                 CONFESSIONS

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually
she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to
confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognised her and began asking her about
her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to
know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of
thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight
of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to
the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin'
out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

                               THE RABBI'S SON

It seem an old rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted
to know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and
questioned him.

"Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you going to have"? The rabbi
laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a fifth of Jamesons and the good
book. He looked to the boy and said, " Ve need to know your future. If you
take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If
you take the fifth of Jameson's, you will become a drunkard and that too is
very, very bad. But ... If you take the good book, you will become a rabbi,
like you Papa.

The young lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not
yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to
think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill
and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson's in one hand and with the
other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room.

The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened. Then
all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the
side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay! He's going to become a Catholic Priest!"

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~


   Now to the pics that have been sent in by Moonboot, UniLee, Gropwo, UK
   Smithy, Eric Skeen, Brett Dude, Digi Maria, Tibbi Lisa, Dave Allnutt,
   Doug the Knight, Little Di, M&Ms,  Petty Leunig and Wright from The Age,
   and Leahy from the Courier Mail.

Lisa T writes:
"Check out these pictures of a panini that I bought from the Bay View Terrace
Bakery in Claremont this morning! Unfortunately I took a bite out of it
before realizing what it looked like!  Reckon I should sell it on ebay???"
 Click here

Women's seat belt Click here

Deep Sea Creatures washed up at Phuket by the tsunami:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tsunami - before and after Click here

Moonboot's inquiring minds Click here

Comedy capers:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bullshit Click here

Bad search Click here

The Village Power People Click here

Boring black/Randy red:
 Click here Click here

Car retrieval - pps version:
Back seat surprise Click here

Cure-all Click here

Dickheadless Click here

How old do you feel? Click here

Lion attack (NOT NICE)
 Click here

British torture (NOT NICE EITHER)
 Click here Click here Click here

This week in the papers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hot belly Click here

Heavy drinker Click here

Sturdy stool Click here

The Colonel from Cuba Click here

Dead arse dickhead:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Airport hunk Click here

Intimacy Click here

Hey Dad Click here

The haircut Click here

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

Some stuff from Fosters John

MEN'S SEDUCTION LINE at age...
17... My parents are away for the weekend.
25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48... My wife is away for the weekend.
66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE DRUG at age...
17... Pot
25... Cocaine
35... Really good cocaine
48... Power
66... Advil


DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age...
17... Cop a feel
25... Breakfast
35... She didn't set back my therapy
48... I didn't bump into her kids
66... An actual erection


FAVORITE FANTASY at age...
17... Thirdbase
25... Airplane sex
35... Menage a trois
48... Taking his company public
66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET at age...
17... Roaches (to be burned later)
25... Old college roommate
35... Irish setter
48... Children from his first marriage
66... Barbi

IDEAL DATE at age...
17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25... Split the check before we go back to my place
35... Just come over
48... Just come over and cook
66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Wayne Newton

WOMEN'S EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to need wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig

WOMEN'S FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

WOMEN'S DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

WOMEN'S FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

WOMEN'S IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast.


 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

   From the troups at Castle Hill Books

                     NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

                          ALL ARE WELCOME

                          OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept
a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

  DAY ONE

  HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
  Step by step guide with slide presentation

  TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
  Roundtable discussion

  DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
  Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

  DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER
  BY THEMSELVES?
  Debate among a panel of experts.

  LOSS OF VIRILITY
  Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and
  support groups

  LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
  Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
  upside down while screaming - Open forum

  DAY TWO

  EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
  Group discussion and role play
  HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
  PowerPoint presentation
  REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
  Real life testimonial from the one man who did
  IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
  Driving simulation
  LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
  Online class and role playing
  HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
  Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
  REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
  GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

  Individual counsellors available

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

Mandie M&M's sent this one in

                            US ELECTION

It seems that the 2004 election was so close that the electoral college was
tied. Congress couldn't break the deadlock, and the Supreme Court decided
they'd better not make the decision themselves.

So they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in northern Minnesota for an ice
fishing contest. No one was allowed to accompany them. And they were on their
honor to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become president.

On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with
ten fish. Bush caught none. On the second day, Kerry caught twenty fish,
and again Bush came back empty-handed.

When Kerry brought back twenty-five fish on day three and W still hadn't
caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice. "He's probably
cheating," Cheney suggested. "You're probably right," said Bush. "What do
we do?"

Cheney suggested that instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry
to see what he was doing. At the end of day 4, Bush called Cheney. "You were
right, Dick, the bastard is cheating." "What's he doing?" asked Cheney. "He's
cutting holes in the ice."

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

More old jokes found by Doug in the royal sofa at Glen Waverley Mansions

                      NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

IN THE EVENT OF A NUCLEAR ATTACK, PLEASE OBSERVE THE FOLLOWING RULES:

1	Stand in the center of the room, clear of all windows, doors, machinery, etc.

2	Loosen all tight clothes, necktie, shirt, bras, corsets, etc.

3	At the first sign of a blue flash, bend down, place your head between
your knees and kiss your arse goodbye.

 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~


TO MY EVER LOVING WIFE:

During the past year I have attempted to seduce you 365 times. I succeeded 36
times. This averages once every 10 days. The following is a list of reasons
whey I did not succeed.

Will wake up the kids              7
It's too hot                      15
It's too cold                      5
Too tired                         39
It's too late                     16
Crook                             60
Pretending to be asleep           23
Window open - Neighbours will hear 9
Backache                          16
Toothache                          2
Headache                          10
Giggles                            4
I'm too full                       4
Not in the mood                   21
Niggly                            19
Baby crying                        5
Watched the late show              7
Grease on face                     3
Company in next room               7
Think of your heart               52
You're too drunk                   5

Do you think we could improve on our record this year?

Your loving husband.


 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~


Quote of the Week:

    "One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards."
             - Oscar Wilde


 ~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~the~~oOo~~end~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~oOo~~~

[ End Fri humour ]

 Previous (January 14, 2005)  Index Next (January 27, 2005)