Friday humour - January 14, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

          G'day

    Well most of us are now happily (?) back at work after the Christmas/New
    Year festivities.  It was strange returning to Minerals early last week
    to find half the staff away, yet all of the Admin except Stevo were busily
    working away.  It would seem that most of us paupers in Admin can't afford
    summer holidays.   It reminded me of the "Yes Minister" episode of the
    hospital with no patients - where the hospital admin was fully functional
    and won the prize for administering the cleanest hospital in Britain.

    So to the news ...

    The happiest face in the news this week must certainly be that of the wife
    of Mamdouh Habib who's husband is finally to be released from Guantanamo
    Bay without charge after three years of torture and incarceration.
    May the two of them and their three kids try and make something out of
    the rest of their shattered lives.

    With all the other sad headlines and in the dark of night, the Australian
    Government finally deported the Bakhtiyari family to Pakistan - and
    nothing of them has been heard of since.  What a shameful final act
    from a government that has had these asylum seekers incarcerated behind
    barbed wire (and spent millions of dollars in the process) for the best
    part of four years.  May the Bakhtiyaris find security and peace.

    I have to say PM Howard has done a wonderful job in responding so
    generously to the Tsunami disaster.  If anyone should be ashamed it's
    King George who after his initial "stingy" response finally donated what
    it costs to run his Iraq war for one and a half days.  The consensus of
    letters to The Age seems to be that he'll commit billions to kill people
    but only millions to save them.

    We got some spectacular pics of the Tsunami tragedy from Doug the Knight
    and Dave Allnutt.  I'll put them up here so as not to upset those who
    are so easily upset and usually skip this FH waffle bit:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

    Thanks to several of you for your New Years wishes from around the world.
    I discovered that Muse lives in London upon Thames ... in Ontario - a great
    looking spot between Windsor and Toronto.  We know that Smithy lives in
    Sherwood Forest near Nottingham, Len is rubbing shoulders with the thespians
    on the Burbank lots, Mad Mick resides in Marwick, and Kaz lurks around at
    the Edinburgh Uni.

    So where do Gropwo, Moonboot, Stephanie from Canada, Top Bob, Jas, and
    'You know who your are' live?   Hmmmm?  Inquiring minds would like to know.
    Steet numbers not required.  Just your general location ... and a webcam!

    OK - to the stuff ...

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   First up, something from UK Smithy who's now kicking butt again after
   spending New Years Eve in hospital.  Great to hear you're like the Women's
   Weekly, Alan ... OUT NOW!


   PRESIDENT PLEDGES $10 THOUSAND TO TEACH PROPER SPELLING OF "TSUNAMI"

President George W. Bush, who called on Americans this week to make a donation
to help victims of the Asian Tsunami, has contributed $10,000 himself,
the White House said today, for one of the most serious challenges posed by
the crisis.

"Two weeks ago, most people didn't know what a Tsunami was, or at least that
that's what you call a really big tidal wave-type event," the president told
assembled reporters at a press conference. "Now, with so many affected so
deeply, millions of Americans are being forced to discuss something they
can't pronounce or spell. I'm an education president, and I knew this was
one area where I couldn't afford not to make a difference."

Bush, whose wealth is estimated at some $13 million, on Tuesday asked
"every American to contribute as they are able to do so," particularly in
the desperately needed areas of map production and educational materials on
proper spelling and pronunciation.

"It's a challenge because so many people in so many countries have been
affected," said the president. "Now when we invaded Iraq, American children
only had to learn one new word, and I'm proud to say it was only a few months
before they were spelling it correctly at least 75% of the time. But this is
much worse. Who even knows how many countries border the Indian ocean? It's
a question our scientists are working on nonstop."

The president was criticized for his initial reaction to the catastrophe when
he pledged $15 million from the United States, with some critics pointing
out that this was less than half what will be spent on his own inauguration.

"Hey, do you have any idea what those fancy little napkins cost? And
balloons! We're going to have to do something about this balloon monopoly
that's driving prices up," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "But
that's down the road. "

The US government's pledge for Tsunami relief funds has since risen to
$350 million. It is not clear how much of this is earmarked for grammatical
or orthographical assistance to Americans versus actual aid to victims of
the Tsunami.

"Hey, I think they'll do okay. I've heard great stories, great survival
stories about people not getting killed by the giant wave, great stories
about elephants saving lives," said Bush. "I think our real concern right
now needs to be making sure people remember to write that silent T at the
beginning. Or is it not silent? See, that's why America needs my help."

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 From UK Smithy - an old Chrismassie thing

                    THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS REVISTED.

On the 12th day of Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival my significant
other in a consenting, adult, monogamous, relationship gave to me:

Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

Eleven pipers piping (plus an 18 member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union
contract, even though they will not be asked to play a note.)

Ten melanin deprived testosterone poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling
class system leaping.

Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression.

Eight economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from
enslaved bovine Americans.

Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands.

Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.

Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration.(After members ofl the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
tthrow red paint at my computer, the calling birds, hens and partridge have
been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American
enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

Four hours of recorded whale songs.

Three deconstructionist poets.

Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

One Spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Good Kwanzaa,, Blessed Yule, and Happy
Holidays *

* Unless you are suffering from seasonally affected disorder(SAD). If this
is the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with
the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

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This was submitted from Brian McKnickers

                                   SMART DOG!

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog
out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks
out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks
twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks
out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't
believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says,
"I don't believe it - where did you get that dog? There really are only two
ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want,
you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend
Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to
go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping
Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says,
"This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent
the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth and
started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are
more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at."

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    This weeks pics are from Muse, M&Ms, Allnutts, UK Smithy, Digi Maria,
    Gropwo, Sir Doug, Rowan Davo, the Deviants out west, and J Wright, Moir,
    and Petty from Fairfax Newspapers.

This idiot was producing a TV show and wanted to do a Bungee jump from the top
of this building as a publicity stunt. When he was told that the police had
been called and were on their way, he hurriedly attached the cord to the cleat
on the building but, and this is the important bit...... he forgot to attach
it to himself!!!! DOH!  Click here

Oops!  Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Back and fifth Click here

Memories Click here

Mammogram Click here

From the Sydney Morning Herald and The Age: Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Which is your favourite sunset?  Click here Click here Click here Click here

Friendly surprise (movie clip) Click here

Happy hippo (movie clip) Click here

Christmas lights Click here

Cheetah (movie clip) Click here

Nightshift Click here

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 And another Christmas thing from UK Smithy ...

                     A POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS POEM

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

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   These from Darwin John, beginning with a few more ...

                             WHAT DO YOU CALL???

A girl who balances a stubby on her head -	 Beatrix

A girl who is stranger than fiction - Ruth

A bloke with meat, gravy and vegetables on his head - Stu

A super hero with X ray vision - Seymour

The guy who designed King Arthur's round table - Sir Cumference

A bloke with a wooden head - Edward.

Super heroes run down by a steam roller - Flat Man and Ribbon.

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                                    HE'S BACK

Did you hear about the Irish chap who rang the Pope,

"Yer Holiness, Yer Holiness, Jesus Christ himself has returned to Earth and
is walkin' around right here in Dublin, what should I do, what should I do?"

The Pope's reply was abrupt, "Looka busy"

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Quote of the Week
(After the US has officially stopped searching for weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq.)


  "President Bush has refused to concede what has been obvious for months
   - the primary justification for the invasion of Iraq was not supported
   by fact.  Now that the search is finished, President Bush needs to explain
   to the American people why he was so wrong, for so long, about the reasons
   for war."
                          - Nancy Pelosi,  US House of Representatives

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[ End Fri humour ]

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