Friday humour - January 07, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           G'day,
     We didn't get around to posting anything last week (New Years Eve for
     2004) - Davo and I both had better things to do, and hopefully so did
     you!  Incidentally, I'm about to disappear for some hols now, but if
     you all behave yourselves and send in a joke or a pic or two, Davo just
     might just be prepared to put in the hard backyard to keep the humour
     rolling for the rest of the month.  (By the way, Davo and I were standing
     around in the warm sun on Wednesday having a short rave and a Marlboro
     and we ended up tossing a coin to decide who'd be the bunny for *this*
     edition.  I lost, so here I am)

     This first collection for 2005 is a bit of a grab-bag, and we're pretty
     light-on with the pics and cartoons this week compared to normal ...
     although we do have one little surprise in the pics department courtesy
     of M&M.  First up though, let's have one from Hollywood Len.  We did
     run this back in 1999, but it may still be new to a few of you, so what
     the heck ...
                            -------------------------


                                HERE KITTY, KITTY

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a
conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside
hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before
returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, tearing off her
shorts and top and ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting
position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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         And John obviously isn't on annual leave yet over at CUB - he
         forwarded this contribution on re ...

                                 REDNECK ETIQUETTE


                                  PERSONAL HYGIENE
                                  ----------------
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.  However, if
you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a
small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.  Its a
good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


                                    DINING OUT
                                    ----------
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.  If drinking directly from the bottle,
always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service.  After all, their caravan
cost just as much as yours.


                             ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
                             -------------------------

A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners
are.

Be considerate of your guests.  Point out in advance where the injury-
threatening springs are located on the sofa.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them
alone for a few minutes.


                            DATING (Outside the Family)
                            ---------------------------

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen
from a cemetery.

Be aggressive.  Let her know you are interested, making statements like "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom
wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00.  Others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's
responsibility to get her to school on time.

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or
an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.  It's bad for your reputation.


                              THEATRE ETIQUETTE
                              -----------------

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have proven they
can't hear you.


                                  WEDDINGS
                                  --------

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  Not if you are the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a
proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


                               DRIVING ETIQUETTE
                               -----------------

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded
and a kangaroo is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tyres always
has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.


                             TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
                             ----------------------

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a beer cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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       And just before we hit the pics and things, here's something I came
       across during the week ...
                             -----------------------

                     THE 10 MOST STUPID BUSH QUOTES OF 2004

10) "I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."
    Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

9) "The march to war hurt the economy.  Laura reminded me a while ago
    that remember what was on the TV screens - she calls me, 'George W.' -
    'George W.'  I call her, 'First Lady.' No, anyway - she said, we said,
    march to war on our TV screen."  Bay Shore, New York, Mar. 11, 2004

8) "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies
    against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim
    of a hat."  Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2004

7) "I hope you leave here and walk out and say, 'What did he say?'"
    Beaverton, Oregon, Aug. 13, 2004

6) "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people
    to have control over your own life."  Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004

5) "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain,
    we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week we will have
    an all-volunteer army!"  Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004

4) "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign.  I mean, you're a you've
    been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And
    therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is
    one between sovereign entities."  Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

3) "We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete
    their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and
    proposed fundamental supplemental funding, which is money for armor and
    body parts and ammunition and fuel."  Erie, Pa., Sept. 4, 2004

2) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs
    aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
    Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

         ... and the number 1 stupid Bush comment of 2004:

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never
    stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and
    neither do we."  Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

    (And if you don't believe the last one, here's the movie clip - Click here )

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      A few pics now - this first one was for Christmas so it's a bit late,
      but I figured it was a bit too big for poor old bluehaze and it's
      pathetic little ADSL link, so Steve's kindly offered to put it up
      on Digitronics for us:

Christmas Kangeroo (movie clip): Click here

      Steve also passed this one on:

Serious 4x4 (movie clip): Click here
                             -----------------------

      Moonboot came across these.  The first one is "a computer version of
      the game "Operation" (hint - click & hold before starting the Opp)" ...

Operate: Click here
Buried (movie clip): Click here
Monkey sniff (movie clip): Click here
Motocross (a repeat methinks, but what the heck) (movie clip): Click here
Russian MIG aerobatics (movie clip): Click here
Stolen car full of teenagers (movie clip): Click here
Nude surfing: Click here
What caused this? Click here
                             -----------------------

      Rosalie's been snooping around again and came across these - the first
      one's an interesting little snippet on lie detectors (remember them?).
      Not a pic, but still quite interesting ...

Lie detectors: Click here
Cute bunny: Click here
                             -----------------------

      Hollywood Len's still around at this time of the year and forwarding
      stuff over ... it's the middle of winter in California now, but here
      in Melbourne (middle of summer), the average temp this week has been
      about 20c (=78f).  I wouldn't be at all surprised if California is
      doing better than that ...!

Why we need to think twice about hitchhikers ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
And the warning sign: Click here
Redneck GPS system: Click here
Nice try: Click here
                             -----------------------

      Now for the surprise.  M&M (Mandie) just returned from the family
      homestead up in sunny Queensland and I managed to scrounge a few pics
      off her.  Nothing humorous - just an interesting collection of pics
      that I know will interest many of you (especially those who don't
      live in this glorious sun-baked land of Oz).  I originally asked
      Mandie if I could put up the flower pics, and she said "Yup" but I've
      just taken the liberty of including some others to give you a bit of
      context (won't tell you *where* in Queensland though) ...

Home: Click here
One view: Click here
Another view: Click here
And one for all those silly people who think that people in Australia have
kangaroos in their backyards ... Click here
Down near the bottom dam: Click here
And nearer (Mandie reckons the frogs are deafening after rain): Click here
Bird: Click here
Honeyeater: Click here
Bamboo bird: Click here
And some flower pics from around the house: Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
                             -----------------------

        Finally, one audio-byte for that late-night or weekend bit of
        listening.  It's an interview with Peter Cundall (the current presenter
        of ABC TV's "Gardening Australia" program).  Peter's now 77 years
        of age and this interview was interesting mainly because it reminds
        me of those precious family get-togethers where a grandfather or an
        old uncle sits back after dinner and reminisces about the "old days".
        What amazes me even more listening to this is hearing Peter laughing
        about time he spent as a prisoner of war and yet 60 years later,
        here he is now in Australia doing a very popular weekly TV show and
        obviously still enjoying life to the hilt.  Has lots of humour and
        down-to-earth philosophy, and just goes to show that being brought
        up in a financially poor family as a child means nothing at all as
        far as happiness is concerned ...

Peter Cundall interview (MP3): Click here

        There are more of these sorts of interviews on the ABC web site -
        Click here - but unfortunately you'll need the dreaded RealVirus audio player

        to hear them.  Not something I'd recommend these days, I'm afraid ...
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to some more written stuff to finish off now, beginning with this
        one from M&M:
                             -----------------------

                                THE TOWEL TRICK

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what
he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is
entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the
following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you
are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will
help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help
and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young
man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly:

"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel".
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       And more also from moonboot, who comments: "I've tried to authenticate
       as much as I can - but I can't confirm all are legit" ...
                             -----------------------

                                MORE ODD SPOTS

ZHENGZHOU, China: A Chinese couple raised their only child for 13 years in
the belief it was a girl, until a visit to the local hospital alerted them
to the fact that he was really a boy with underdeveloped sexual organs. They
did not realise anything was wrong until they were baffled by a "reaction
in the lower half of his body" whenever he watched pretty women on TV.

RATCHABURI, Thailand: A group of Thai Buddhist monks were arrested
and defrocked after holding a spate of rowdy drug and alcohol parties.
Villagers complained about their wild behavior and drug-taking at the local
temple. Five of the saffron-robed monks tested positive for amphetamine
pills and a sixth was blind drunk.

COSENZA, Italy: A driverless railway engine thundered nearly 120 miles
through southern Italy at 50 miles an hour before staff managed to derail
it. The driver had set the loco- motive in motion, leaned out to see if the
line ahead was clear, then slipped and fell from his cabin. Another railway
worker tried to jump aboard and stop it but failed and the train gathered
speed until it was finally switched to a track with a long incline and it
smashed through buffers at a disused station before finally coming to a halt.

ZAGREB: A South African who fell in love with a Croatian beauty he has never
even spoken to, travelled halfway round the world in search of the woman of
his dreams. Keith van der Spuy saw the woman only twice, on a boat and in a
night- club, while on vacation in the former Yugoslav republic but could not
get her out of his head and returned to Croatia weeks later, with two diamonds
in his pocket, to track down the haunting blonde -- but, sadly, to no avail.

ALDERSHOT, England: A drunken soldier sparked a major security alert after
leaving a regimental party dressed as an Arab suicide bomber.  Fifteen police
cars, along with dog handlers were called out after a passer-by spotted
someone near an army base wearing an Arab-style robe, a turban and false
beard, as well as orange paper, wires and candles stuffed into a jacket to
make it look like he was carrying explosives.  The soldier, who was drunk,
was ordered to pay a small on-the-spot fine.

TEXAS, A Texas woman paid 50,000 dollars for a clone of her pet cat Nicky,
who died last year, making her the first owner of a commercial copy cat.

More: Click here

LONDON: A number of wealthy clients of the smart London restaurant Zafferano
clubbed together to buy one of the most expensive truffles in the world for
40,000 euros (54,000 dollars), but it ended up spoiling in a refrigerator. The
850-gram (30-ounce) delicacy from Tuscany was put on display at the restaurant
but then the chef went on vacation after locking the truffle in the fridge
and taking the keys with him. When he returned after four days, he found it
had rotted, forcing the owner to throw the whole thing out.

More: Click here

CHISINAU, Moldova: The president of first division football club Roso saw
red when the referee awarded a penalty against his team, so he leaped into
his jeep, drove it on to the pitch and tried to run the hapless official
down. Mikhail Makayev chased the astonished referee around the ground for
several minutes until he escaped by clambering up into the stands. The match
was abandoned and Roso's opponents Poitekhnik were awarded the game 3-0.

GUWAHATI, India: An army officer was dismissed and another suspended after
a court martial found they splashed tomato ketchup on civilians to make them
look like dead Assam separatist rebels in a bid for a gallantry medal. Colonel
H.S. Kohli took photos of civilians posing as corpses and gave them to his
senior officers as proof of the killings, but records later showed no deaths
had been reported.

PALEMBANG, Indonesia: A landmark bridge in Sumatra is in danger of collapse
because too many men are urinating on one of its steel pillars.  Surveyors have
found that the Ampera bridge in Palembang has begun to lean at an angle and
rocks slightly when traffic is heavy. The acidic fluid's corrosive forces
could lead to the eventual collapse of the bridge.

OSLO: Until the divorce papers dropped into her mail box, a 22-year-old
woman was unaware that she had been married to a complete stranger for a
year. The woman's wallet was snatched some years ago and her identification
cards were used in an Islamic ceremony to unite her and a Pakistani man in
holy matrimony. She hopes to have the marriage annulled, but investigators
have closed the case as they cannot find the man, believed to be operating
under several different aliases.
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     And lastly of awlly for this first week of 2005, one from Digi Maria:
                             -----------------------

                        DOGS TOP 10 PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1.  Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.

2.  Yelling at me for barking ... I'm a friggin' DOG, you IDIOT!

3.  Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose
    walk is it anyway?

4.  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!

5.  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we
    chew your stuff up when you are not at home.

6.  The slight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog!  What a proud
    moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

7.  Taking me to the vet for the 'Big Snip', then acting surprised when I
    freak out every time we go back there.

8.  Getting upset when I sniff your guests' crotches.  Sorry, but I haven't
    quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

9.  Dog sweaters.  Have you noticed the fur?  Idiot!

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth,
    you're just jealous.
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[ End Friday humour ]


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