Friday humour - December 24, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            G'day,
       After last weeks "Whaddya call ...?" one-liners, Jon Firth couldn't
       resist adding a few more:

     Q: What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and a rabbit up his arse?
     A: Warren

     Q: Or with a car on his head?
     A: Jack

     Q: And the deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
     A: Still no fucking idea.

       Also received a surprise telephone call from a mate of Ron's who just
       rang to say Merry Christmas - and that he regularly reads FH off the
       web at Bluehaze, adding "I hope you don't mind, but I've printed off
       quite a few and left them in the magazine collection at the barber's
       shop in Edithvale.  The barber reckons he always knows when people are
       reading 'em 'cos he hears cackles of laughter from over in the back
       corner!"

       Well, how could I mind - I think that's a great use for all the stuff
       you guys forward on.  They oughta be in dentists and doctors surgery
       waiting rooms, too (I wonder if any are?).  We don't write the jokes -
       we just pick out the best one's that you guys mail to us!

       Okay - nearly Christmas Eve - lots of kids'll will be heading off
       to bed tonight wondering just what Father Christmas will bring them.
       And how he'll bring it!  And I guess lots of kids will get nothing?
       In war-torn countries, many kids have lost their Mum and/or Dad this
       year - and even in countries like ours, I guess there are a lot of
       little kids who've lost their parents via one catastrophe or another.
       Which is incredibly sad.  So if you're lucky enough to be able to
       sit around with kids after they wake up and pounce on your bed at
       4:30am (ugh!) telling you all about what they've found under the tree,
       you should be thanking The Lord for what you do have in this world!

       Enough for a Chrissey editorial.  A Merry 2004 Christmas to all from
       Davo and yours truly - and now it's on with your contributions for
       yet another Christmas Eve.  First up, one from Doug the Knightly one ...
                               -----------------------

                          THE SECRETS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE

                              from R. Hynes of Mornington.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.  Twice a week we go to
a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship.  She
goes Tuesday and I go Friday.

We sleep in separate beds - hers in Sydney, mine in Melbourne.  I take my wife
everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.  I asked her where she wanted
to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she
said.  So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.  She has an electric blender, an
electric toaster and an electric bread-maker.  When she said that she had too
many gadgets but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce.  Statistically, 100%
of all divorces started with marriage.  I married Miss Right - I just didn't
know that her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months - I don't like to interrupt her.
The last time we had a fight, it was my fault.  She asked "What's on the TV?" I
said "Dust".

In the beginning,- God created the earth and rested.  Then, God created man
and rested.  Then God created woman.  And since then, neither God nor man has
rested.

[ The above was converted from a newspaper clipping via the OCR package from
  transym - Click here - as recommended by Lachlan! ]

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      Over to Trevor Middleton in South Africa now, and some important
      summer advice ...
                          -------------------------

                      HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARK ATTACK

1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large
bodies of water also known as oceans.  The way to determine if you are
currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
(Exception: the Dead Sea.)

2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to recreate in an ocean, listen
carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film
"Jaws." All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which
will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer.  This is due to the
doppler effect.

3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions.  If you know them
well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce.
This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm.  This really
won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not
shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and will spoil their holiday.
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        This one just arrived from German George ...
                          -------------------------

                                NEWSFLASH!!

  OUR BLUNNIES - AN AUSTRALIAN ICON - DECLARED MILITARISTIC AND NEO NAZI!

And to top it all, this accusation is coming from a German school!

My son has been wearing 505 Blunnies since he was 6 years old (size 2),
upgrading in size every year. Now, at age 14, he has changed model to 317
steel caps, which he adores.

After a short stint of wearing them at school, they were banned.  VERBOTEN!

The reason being that they are militaristic (quote: Neo-Nazi Boots), and they
would incite other pupils to become militaristic.

So it seems that we ex-pats here in Germany now need to make it clear to
all that Blunnies are not promoting neo-nazism?!  Sorry, Bush Tucker Man -
after all you've been through, now you have to cope with an insult like that?
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        From Maria, this one-liner arrived a cupla years ago and got lost
        under all the new stuff ...
                          -------------------------

                                LIFE'S JOURNEY ...?

Is NOT to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "F--k ... what a ride!"
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        And from Prue: "Hi it's Prue from China, I found these funnies
        while surfing the net I hope you enjoy them" ...
                          -------------------------

A Irish man who had led a hard life, sleeping outdoors, drinking whiskey and
all the associated habits living hour by hour approached a park bench in a
county village.  He sat down next to the parish priest and began to read a
newspaper a week old.

After a while he turned to the priest and said "Farder what causes the
artttritis".  The priest replied, "livin a lyfe like yaself, womaizing,
drinkin, and not doing an honest days work in ya lyfe"

Then the good cleric thought he was a bit harsh on the man and said "Have a
the arttritis my son?"

Upon which the lay-about replied, "No Farder, I just red that the Bishop
has it."
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                  Some more one-liners from moonboot now ...
                          -------------------------

                                    QUOTES

Husband to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and
scrubbin'.  No wife of mine is gonna work. (Joan DeGrave)

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own
one." - W. C. Fields

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. (Maxi Ma)

Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live
without. (Anonymous)

Relationships don't last any more.  When I meet a guy, the first question I
ask myself is, Is this the man I want my children to spend every other weekend
with? (Caboom)

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.  (Joanna)

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and
easily wrapped around the fingers of grand children..  (Joanna)

Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Andrew Mellon)

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is
in good health...and he's already used to taking orders. (Joan DeGrave)

When the government puts teeth in the law, they aren't always wisdom teeth.
(Beckie Shiles)

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make
it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)

People who have difficulty remembering the slightest incidents usually have no
trouble recalling even the most incidental slights. (Mardy Grothe)

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she
will never be an old nag. (Joan DeGrave)

God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as much as
you talk. - (Joanna)

Evil doers are in the eye of the beholder. (Stephen Kramer)

The desire to take medicine is one feature which distinguishes man, the
animal, from the rest of his fellow creatures. (Sir William Osler)

Always keep your successes in mind during moments of failure and your past
failures in mind during moments of success. (Mardy Grothe)

Does anyone ask rhetorical questions anymore? (Stan Kegel)

Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his client to
plant vines. (Frank Lloyd Wright)

But remember what The Bible says: "To err is conservative; to forgive is
liberal." (Micheal Bass)

Fifty-five is the ideal age for a woman especially if she is 65.  (Beckie
Shiles)

Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could fit
inside Noah's ark.  But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a
single power tool. (Bill Jones)

My blood type is O positive and my pregnant wife's is O negative.  Now I'm no
math whiz, but doesn't that mean our child will be bloodless? (Allen Lindsey)

Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face.  This should tell us
something about the custom of shaving. (Tom Robbins)

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. (Douglas Adams
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                    Here's a couple more from Digi Maria ...
                          -------------------------

                         THE LIFE INSURANCE POLICY

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy
on his wife - with himself as the beneficiary.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who
went by the name of Artie.  Artie explained to the husband that his going
price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have
any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.  Artie
insisted on being paid something up front.  The husband opened up his wallet,
displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled
his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the
dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworth's
Supermarket.  There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.  As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit
and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.  Unwilling to leave
any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as
well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and
observed by the store's Security Guard,  who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.  Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including
his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

"Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway"

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                          QUICKIES FOR THAT NEXT BBQ

Boom Boom #1

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Boom Boom #2

A pompous minister was seated next to a Texan on a flight to Dallas.  After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.  The Texan asked for a
whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.  The flight
attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let
liquor touch my lips."

The Texan looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant
and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
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          And just before we hit the pics, this one from David McCallum:
                          -------------------------

                        THE GODS AND DEMONS OF GOLF

Golf is a game ruled by the mythical Gods of Golf.  Here is an incomplete list
of who they are.

The Major Golf Gods: The God of the Water, The God of the Sand, and the God of
the Trees.

The Minor Golf Gods: The Fairway God, The Wind God, and The God of the Green
and the God of the Rough.

Golf Demons:

The Hole Demon: The cause of lipped out puts.

The Squirrel Demon: Closely associated with the God of the trees.  The
Squirrel demon is a pest and parasite to the God of the Trees and as such the
God of the Trees sucks in balls to kill Squirrel Demons.  Sometimes the balls
bounce out, sometimes they ricochet into the netherworld.

The Cart Path Demon: An interesting creature, who sometimes makes drives much
longer than normal and other times kicks balls into the netherworld, but in
the end always exacts a price... a seriously scuffed ball.

The Rules Demon: Break the rules, he makes you pay.

The Tee Demon: He causes you to accidentally bump your ball off the tee.  If
you don't pull the tee out of the ground and re-tee the ball, he then insures
a bad shot.

The Rock Demon: Generates hidden rocks at the point of impact to damage your
expensive club.

Fairies: Despite popular opinion, Fairies do exist in the game of golf, but
are rarely encountered.  The most prevalent are the water fairy who magically
allows balls to skip across water like a stone to land, the sand fairy, who
causes balls to skip out of bunkers, the wood fairy who causes balls to
ricochet off trees into the perfect position, and the hole fairy who battles
with the Hole Demon and occasionally wins allowing a potential lip out to do a
360 and fall in the hole.

Any time a fairy appears and assists you, it must be thanked.  Otherwise it
will die.  Please thank your Fairies, we can't have them go extinct.

The Gods of Golf require sacrifices on a regular basis.  Brand new balls and
tees are their most regular diet, but an occasional club doesn't hurt.  IF
HOWEVER, you find an unbroken tee or a another ball, YOU MUST accept the gift,
as it is a gift from the Gods of Golf, even if the gift is inferior to the
previous sacrifices.  If you reject the gift, then you risk the wrath of the
Gods which could include the loss of many more balls and tees as well as the
complete release of their demons against you!

Understand the Gods of Golf are wrathful, selfish and unpredictable.  If they
screw up your game it is YOUR FAULT because of some unknown transgression.
However, if they bless you with a good shot or good round, YOU MUST thank the
Gods for allowing you the round.  To do otherwise risks a season of high
scores.

Finally, all the Gods of Golf are ruled by the Supreme God: CHAOS.  And who
the hell knows what he will do on any given day.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

       Time for a few pics now.  This first one was sent in by Andrew Smith
       back in 2002 but it got buried - it's the ultimate Net Nanny:

How to get rid of Internet porn: Click here
                          -------------------------

       Next, a great collection from Maria Harding (otherwise known as
       the Digi):

Click on any of the reindeer: Click here
Snowman funeral: Click here
Snow babies: Click here
A romantic sleigh-ride (movie): Click here
Snowmen at St Judes school for the blind: Click here
High: Click here
Bad day for flying: Click here
Bad day for camping: Click here
That's my boy! (movie) Click here
Another resume' Click here
History of eggnog: Click here
T-shirt for men Click here
Nice cool lunch: Click here

   And some more street-painting:
Louie da fly Click here
Tony Blair Click here
Arctic Click here
Join me Click here

   Finally from Maria - a few more shots of that recently completed
   French engineering feat: Click here
                          -------------------------

   From Ian Watson, a few new shots from this "Be your own boss" series:
 Click here
                          -------------------------

   And from Doug Knight, we received these two Powerpoint shows:
Just another day at the office: Click here
And a variation on one of our old written jokes: Click here
                          -------------------------

   This one was posted over by both Maria and Mandy - it's the Christmas
   present for BAD children: Click here
                          -------------------------

   And finally for this week - one for all you computer admins - and I dare
   you to wear any of these next year ...
T-shirts you should order: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to some words now to finish off.  This is another one that's
        been waiting in the wings for two years - from Solucient Darnell:
                          -------------------------

                    WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING PORN

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream
   with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in
    the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
    half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't
    disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,
    the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove
    your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
    giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
    she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind
    her to "suck it".

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
    parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
    and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly
    on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
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           And from Eric Skeen in South Africa, we're told that ...
                          -------------------------

              WE MUST STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier.  And, everything is farther
away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had
become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers
all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just
keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the
same silent message until they're red in the face!
What do they think I am ... a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so
much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the
other day and she has aged so much that she didn't
even recognize me.  I got to thinking about the
poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning,
and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ...
Well, REALLY - even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the freeway in front of them..  All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I
see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size
10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one
notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bottom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse.  Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial?  HA!  I would
never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these
people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on
the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in
such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!  All I can do is pass along this warning: We
are under attack!  Unless something drastic happens,
pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful
indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS
POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size,
because something has caused fonts to be smaller than
they once were too!  
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Ken Pillig (son of Rudi) forwarded this one over a few weeks ago:
                          -------------------------

                                 BLONDE JOKE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a
gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and puts it
to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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       Another one from moonboot (this one's actually serious) ...
                          -------------------------

                             WASH OR DRY?

I used to think that it was better to wash up after dinner than dry up
but I've now discovered otherwise ...

Why???

1. When you are drying up, you always have the pleasure of saying "You missed
   a bit, do it again".

2. If you don't wash the dishes they don't wash themselves, but if you don't
   dry the dishes they dry themselves for you.

3. If you don't dry up or put anything away, the dishes are always there for
   when you need them!

[ NB: I guess a dishwasher changes that equation, although, like many people,
  we only use ours once or twice a year because we've found that they're more
  effort than they're worth - to say nothing of their appetite for water,
  energy, and caustic detergent.  So most interesting, Mr Boot - I may just
  change over to drying!  Ed. ]
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                  Then there was this Christmas one from Kai ...
                          -------------------------

                      A LETTER FROM SANTA TO THE USA

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the
States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Mississippi, Texas, Louisiana, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kenturcky, Illinois
and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the
family is from the South Pole.  He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
the good boys and girls; however there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1.  There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:  "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."

2.  Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.  And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe.  He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.

3.  Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer.  I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4.  You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
clause arrives.  Instead, you'll hear, "on Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6.  As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7.  The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will no be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State patrol cars
crashing into each other.

And finally,

8.  Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt.  If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.

   Sincerely yours,
      Santa Claus
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And finally for this busy Christmas week, one from John Cook:
                          -------------------------

                            FIVE THOUGHTS FOR LIFE

5.  Men only have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.  If you see him without
    an erection, make him a sandwich.

4.  Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything but you
    still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3.  All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention
    to criticism.

2.  In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world
    is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

1.  Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come
    to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE THIS WEEK:

   You read about all these Terrorists ...  Most of them came here legally,
   but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
   Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video
   and those people are all over you.  I think we should put Blockbuster
   in charge of  Immigration & Homeland Security.
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[ End Friday humour ]

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