Friday humour - December 17, 2004

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Quite a few Chrissy pics this week as you'll see (all new ones for FH,
     I hope - I've dropped out the odd repeats that we'd already seen in
     previous years).  The number of 'Humourites' on the direct mailout has
     now risen to just over 200, and there's usually a further 1500 or so
     who get it via the Bluehaze archive over the ensuing weeks.

     Received a nice email from Zee over in Canada during the week:

       "Hi. Just a note to say I enjoyed CANADIAN BORDER SECURITY (Dec 10) so
       much I almost sent it back to you as a submission. No, it's not just my
       blond hair with grey roots... the kids at work give me these brownies...
       many reasons for many memory lapses... oh well... while I remember...
       seasons greetings to everyone who works on Friday Humour. You make
       my world brighter and all your hard work is appreciated... eh?"

     Zee contributes quite a bit of stuff too (although not under that name),
     so thanks for that, Zee.  Which of course goes for all our contributors -
     you guys *are* collectively Friday humour!

     WARNING - you are entering an editorial/philosophical zone ...

     On another topic, as mentioned in passing a cupla weeks ago - at this
     time of the year, those of us with families and a job to go to do tend
     to forget the invisible minority (mostly people in their teens to their
     30s) who are, right now, sitting around feeling really down and out for
     one reason or another.  Like - really, REALLY down - to the point where
     they'll suicide in the next few weeks and months.  Of course, you won't
     hear about them either, because the media rarely report them.

     The worst age-group at present seems to be 30 year-olds, whereas 20 years
     ago, it was teenagers.  Yep - for some reason, it's still the same
     generational slice.  No-one's certain, but it may be tied up with "the
     job-market shakeout" and even just "the rapid rate of technological
     change" - both of which have left a lot of young people stranded and

     Anyway, as a suggestion for anyone reading this who is feeling *really*
     low right now and thinking of ways to end it all, think about this.  I
     grew up in an age when jobs were easy to get and the most complicated
     bit of technology was a colour TV set - but I still went through periods
     of extreme depression in my late teens/early 20s.  A general feeling
     of being a square peg in a round hole world.  The solution - start on
     something - join a group, start a course, take up a demanding hobby,
     go to pubs and see bands playing (or start your own band), join a walking
     or a mountain climbing group - anything.  Believe me, once you've made
     that effort and started, you won't even worry about "the world" any more.
     For instance, there are any number of organisations run by volunteer
     groups out there who'd be only too glad if you walked in the door and
     offered to help in any small way, even if it's just answering a 'phone
     (I got involved with a local community radio station, which happened
     to match my interest in live music recording).  But whatever you do,
     don't sit around musing about it.  Get involved with something - and
     before you know it, you'll have met all sorts of cool, fun people.
     Okay, there endeth this weeks dose of totally unsolicited advice :-)

     And finally in the philosophical dept - the Iraq war goes on.  Here are
     a couple of relevant links as recently passed on by Karl:

     You asked for my evidence, Mr Ambassador. Here it is - Click here

     and - Lord Of The Flies - Click here

     Okay - you are now leaving the editorial zone.  Please fasten your
     safety belts ...

     First up, a contribution that has its funny side, but mainly it's one
     that may save you some money - passed on by Mandy:


For anyone contemplating using the Sensis directory service number, 1234 -

Sensis, as you may or may not know, is a subsidiary of Telstra. The 1234 number
is replacing the Telstra 12456 directory assistance number, but this time
with outrageous costs attached: 40c to call the number, then 4c PER SECOND!

With this sort of pricing structure in place, it's no wonder so many
Australians hold Telstra in the same regard as the major banks. By law,
Telstra have to provide a FREE directory assistance number, because they are
still majority owned by the government. They choose however not to pass this
number on to the public. What's the number? 1223. Thumbs up to Telstra for
finding a way to charge for a service that is supposed to be provided for
free. Of course, feel free to forward this on.

"BH" (Lawyer, Commercial Litigation Department, Slater & Gordon)

[ Editorial note: I couldn't find anything on Telstra's web site about this
  (although who's ever found anything useful there?) but I did google this:
  Click here ]


       And from Lars Jensen (a contractor we once used at CSIRO to create
       the Minerals Effort Logging system that we all know and love), we
       received this quickie:

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said, "This is
the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said, "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"

The man said, "I was talking to the duck."

(boom boom)

      To the UK next, and one from Dave Rand's old mate, Brian McNicol:

                                  HOLY WATER

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking
it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along
and asked the little boy what he had.  The little boy replied, "This is the
most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If
you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a
cat's arse and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

        Now for a few more quotes and puns - as passed on by Moonboot:

"Tell me, Holmes, what is the purpose of laxative?" "Alimentary, my dear

A printer who set $10,000 to read $1,000 might have prevented his mistake
with a little fourth aught.

If I were a "human fly" who scaled the outsides of buildings, I wouldn't be
afraid of anything.  Except maybe a SWAT team.

If I were a sheriff in the Old West having to track down the perpetrator of
a revenge killing, I'd probably start with the town blacksmith, because
they always seem to have an ax to grind.

A horse eats he eats best when he hasn't a bit in his mouth.

I'll never attend another contractor's convention.  Everybody gets drunk -
and then they get plastered.

If Gabe Kaplan ever got seriously injured on the set of his TV show, I'll
bet the doctors would have Kotterized the wound.

My iguana can't get it up anymore. He's got a reptile dysfunction.

I finally made a killing on Wall Street. My broker's funeral is tomorrow
and the police don't even suspect me.

Noah floated stock while the rest of the world was liquidating.

I didn't believe my wife when she said she had lost one of her fingernails
while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the pudding.

So I'm chatting with this chick online, and I tell her I have her favorite
song on vinyl. She says, "You're really dating yourself." So I say, "Duh.
Why do you think I'm hanging out in a chat room in the first place?"

Could Hitler's bunker be considered attacks shelter?

Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but the king of beasts
got the lion's share. (Pun of the Day)

Some guys view marriage as a matter of wife and debt.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any
Indian. (Moni)

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better! (Lorraine)

At the risk of repeating myself, I once again told that group of clone
scientists I would give them a sample of my DNA.

For some reason, the Las Vegas security people didn't think my putting the
giant Baby Ruth candy bars in the commodes was funny. After all, I was just
trying to sweeten the pot.

There's a street in Italy on which, when it rains, all the street vendors
bring out rainwear for sale. It's called the Poncho Via

Cross a chess piece with a slab of pork and you get a pawn chop.

Did you ever see the Monty Python film about shrimp? - Life of Brine

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow for the tooth, why not
put a needle and thread? That way he'll realize that "wishing won't make it

The day after we moved into the house, the landlord came by and made an
offer that appealed very much to Papa: "Eight children is too many. I'll
take only two." And Papa countered with, "It's a deal. Which two do you

Could someone on board a ship desperately looking for a toilet be
considered a "Head Hunter"?

I don't understand it. I spend the same amount on gas every week but my ar
mileage seems to be slipping.

A guy applies to Social Security for disability status. They ask what his
isability is. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't ee
myself going to work."

I looked under the hood; I inspected the tires and asked about the gas
mleage; I even wanted to know if there were any bodies left in the
trunk.Then it occurred to me: Never look a gift hearse in the mouth.

Making love in an onion patch is one sure way of having a bawl.

Is Alex Trebek's job in Jeopardy?

Biscuits and sermons are improved by shortening.

A priest took the witness stand. Upon cross examination the priest
exorcised the lawyer.

       Then there was this collection of one-liners from Bob Topping:

                         FRIDAY ARVO PHILOSOPHY

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it is

At dawn, we are all children of the new day. Except for bastards.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will starve before mastering the skill, thus saving you today's delicious

A door without handles is merely a wall. Or a hole. Or a weird window.

A slave with no master is free, but a master with no slave is lazy and
bitter, with a soft, oily body and bad hair, complaining to the dog, who
could not care less.

The gem cannot be polished without friction. Nor can boils. Nor testicles.

Go forth and boldly seek your fortune! Or go to University, I don't care.

Pleasure and pain are twin serpents in the garden of your desire, which
is full of weeds, animal carcasses, and poison-berries.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a
fool forever and yet appears much wiser than he who asked five minutes

Keep your broken arm inside your sleeve, where the maggots cannot feed
upon it.

        Now to CUB and the B1 Bottling Line at 4 Southampton Crescent and
        this little tale from John K:

On a farm out in the Victorian country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons.  Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of
the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
lying dead in the field.  The situation looked hopeless to her -- how
could she possibly continue to feed her family now?  In a depressed state
of mind, she hung herself.  When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as
well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation,
and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!),
and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.  When he got to
the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.  She said, "I've
seen all and know the reason for your despair.  But if you will have sex
with me five times in a row,  I will restore your parents and the cow to
you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable
to satisfy her again.  So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up.  After discovering what had happened,
he too decided to throw himself into the river.  The mermaid said to him,
"If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to
satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone.  He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.  And there
he also met the mermaid.  "I have seen all that has happened, and I can
make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in
a row."  The young son replied, "Is that all?  Why not twenty times in a
row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.  Then he
said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"  And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a
row?"  Finally, she said, "Enough!!  Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect

Then the young son asked, "Wait!  How do I know that thirty times in a
row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

       And just before we hit the pics and things, let's rustle that
       African tree again and see what falls down out of its branches
       via Eric ...

                       JOE & WANDA'S SMALL APARTMENT

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city, and they decided that the
only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son
in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report
on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying
would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy
began his commentary, as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new
bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," the son replied.

      And loads of pics and stuff again this week - and if you don't seem
      to be able to get these on a Friday, well ... maybe wait till the
      weekend or Monday.  Bluehaze can only push out 32Kbytes/second max
      with its little ADSL link through Pacific Internet and once there's
      10 or more users downloading a movie or am MP3, things can get real
      slow!  First up, from Eric in Africa:

Harbin's Snow & Ice Festival Click here
   or if that fails for some reason, here are the pics as passed on by Eric:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

     Plus a series of 13 web pages with the most brilliant Christmas graphics
     ever... Click here

     And one we actually had back in Feb 2003, but still worth one repeat:
Traffic lesson: Click here

     Moonboot passed this URL over - see if you can ... Sober Santa: Click here

     And from Sister Carol (via Davo), we have this little singing ...
Christmas card: Click here

     Maria the Digi person passed on this nice large collection ...

My fence: Click here
PC oven: Click here
Huh? Click here
Shhhh ... Click here
Great to see you Click here
I like arses Click here
Waiting Click here
A room with choice Click here
Some Christmas 'toons: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
And - what do you do if you have a heart attack when you're alone?
This one's serious: Click here

     From the guys out west, one you can print out and hang on your door:

Greeting card: Click here

     And Digi Steve thought that this one should have good sales figures
     with the Blonde Brigade:

Media rewinder: Click here

     One for which I didn't get around to recording the contributor ...
Guinness record in India?  Click here

     From Brett
Packing the ute for the party: Click here
Steve Irwin's influence spreading to Asia (needs more practice) - Click here

     This one from Mandy and our sister list in the ol' West of Oz:

Horror accident: Click here

     From Jon Firth - if the Three Wise Men had spoken with a lisp ...

 Click here

     Moonboot passed over a large collection this week - "some of which may
     not be suitable for Friday humour."    Well, I've marked the more lewd
     ones with (X-R), so be warned ...

Just do it (X-R) Click here
Alcohol + Drugs = Click here
Hey, watch this (X-R) Click here
I'm thirsty! Click here
Dressed up (?) Click here
Don't you dare! Click here
Desperation: Click here
Passed out (X-R) Click here
Addicted: Click here
Circle of ... (X-R) Click here
More Rugby: Click here
Web Cam fun (X-R): Click here
Say CHEESE: Click here
Anywhere, anytime Click here
Stop staring: Click here
Return of The Limbo (X-R) Click here
Needs maintenance: Click here
Who needs guys? Click here
Police here! Click here
Southpark Simpsons: Click here
Marijuana: Click here
Ewoks: Click here

          And from Digi Steve ...
How are your brakes?  Click here

Ian Watson came across this handy guide for growing your own dope - Click here

 Lee  over at Melbourne Uni sent this one - Click here

            And from Mandy, we have these:

Rudolph: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
Ikea: Click here
New Christmas: Click here
What did you say? Click here

       I've had these sitting around for ages - Hollywood stars of days
       gone by (well, Sandra might disagree with that) ...

Harrison: Click here
Clint: Click here
Bruce: Click here
Sean: Click here
Sandra: Click here

                                 SOUND BYTES

       Finally, a few sound bytes.  First - Dave (Warner) and the Derros,
       taken from a live performance off a piece of Wayne's vinyl with a
       typically Oz (Melbourne) song from 1976.  Recorded at a Melbourne pub,
       it's all about one of those perennial summer activities ...

                              DAVE AND THE DERROS

Push ups in the back of your car: Click here

                              ANCIENT COMMERCIALS

       And a cupla old radio commercials from the archives.  The Shell one
       was for loosening up the public to a strange new concept that was
       coming to service stations in the 1970s called ... Self Serve!

Shell Self Serve: Click here

       Play this on the way to the pub - a hard earned thirst ...

VB: Click here

                                WEEKEND LISTENING

       Finally, a recent interview with journalist and writer John Pilger.
       It's all about the media and "what constitutes good investigative
       journalism".  A little disturbing to listen to considering that
       everything we know comes via 'the media' in one form or another ...

What constitutes good investigative journalism?  Click here

          Now to another contribution from Melbourne Uni Lee ...

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able
to give birth to a baby recently.  When she was discharged from the hospital
and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make
coffee and we can chat for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother.  After another few minutes had
elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied
the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "WHEN IT
CRIES!" she told them.  WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to
wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

         Back over to CUB now and a couple more from John K ...

                            WHADDYA CALL ...?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bushes?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a mailbox?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with a shovel in his

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs without a shovel in his head?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

What do you call his arms and legs hanging on the opposite wall?
Pieces of Art.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no tail, no tongue, no
nose, and no ears.
Still no idea.


              Disorder in the Court: A Collection of 'Transquips'
                   by Richard Lederer

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish
forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during
courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job
it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter
has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books
Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months
ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips,
all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.  Cherney,
   and said he was really good.

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. Ah ... no ...

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
   for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
   also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
MR. BROOKS: Objection.That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
   observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
   top of my head.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch, and
   she did.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead
   of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived?

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

              And from UK Smithie (via Davo) - yet more signs ...

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you
don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

       Finally for this week, another one as passed on by Digi Maria:


'Twas the night before Christmas, and all round the bach
Not a possum was stirring; not one could we catch.
We'd left on the table a meat pie and beer,
In hopes that Santa Claus soon would be here.

We children were snuggled up in our bunk beds,
While dreams of pavlova danced in our heads;
And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,
Had just settled down to watch TV sports

When outside the bach such a hoo-ha arose,
I woke up at once from my wonderful doze.
I ran straight to the sliding door, looking about,
Jumped out on the deck, and let out a shout!

The fairy lights Dad had strung up around the door
Let me see everything down to the shore.
And what did I see, when I took a peep?
But a miniature tractor and eight tiny sheep.

With a little old driver, his dog on his knee.
I knew at once who this joker might be.
He patted his dog, and in a voice not unkind,
Cried "Good on ya, boy! Now, GIT IN BEHIND!

"Now, Flossy! now, Fluffy! now Shaun and Shane!
On, Bossy! on, Buffy! on, Jason and Wayne!
Up that red tree, to the top of the bach!
But mind you don't trample the vegetable patch."

So up on the roof those sheep quickly flew,
With the tractor of toys, Santa and his dog too.
As my sister awoke and I turned around,
In through the window he came with a bound.

He wore a black singlet and little white shorts,
And stuck on his feet were gumboots of course;
A sackful of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a postie just opening his pack.

His eyes-bright as paua shell - oh, how they twinkled!
Like an old tuatara, his skin was all wrinkled!
He had a wide face and a round, fat tummy,
That looked like he'd eaten lots that was yummy.

He spoke not a word, but got down on one knee,
And placed a cricket set under the tree,
A present for Sis, one for Dad, one for Mum,
Then he turned and he winked and held up his thumb.

He jumped on his tractor, to his dog gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, as fast as a missile.
I called out "Thanks," as he flew past the gate.
He called "Kia ora to all, and good on ya, mate"
[ End Friday humour ]

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