Friday humour - December 10, 2004
From Davo at bluehaze:
As we lurch towards Christmas Victoria has just celebrated the 150th
anniversary of the Eureka rebellion. Australia has had a remarkably
non-violent history and besides the early massacres of Aborigines by the
British colonialists Eureka was the only significant battle.
In 1854 on the goldfields of Ballarat 10,000 miners and their families
from all corners of the world gathered at Bakery Hill and adopted a charter
somewhat like a bill of rights. It commenced "It is the inalienable right of
every citizen to have a voice in making the laws he is called upon to obey.
Taxation without representation is tyranny." They did so under the blue
and white Eureka flag based on the Southern Cross and designed for their
mission by Canadian Henry Ross.
A few hundred miners led by Peter Lalor set up a flimsy stockade at Eureka
Flats and refused to pay licence fees to the corrupt government of the day.
On 3 December government and police troops stormed the stockade and massacred
over 30 miners losing 6 troops in the battle.
The Eureka rebellion had profound effects on Australia and the world.
Thirty of the miners were charged with high treason and were all acquitted
by a jury of their peers. Indeed Peter Lalor went on to become a member
And shortly after the uprising Victoria became the first government to
introduce the secret ballot - something rapidly adopted by democratic
countries of the world.
Is it any wonder that our Man of Steel boycotted all celebrations? As Roy
Cassin of The Age puts it "Of course Howard understands that the uprising in
1854 was about democracy, not socialism or any other militant ideology. It's
just that the kind of full-blooded democracy that Eureka represents -
a frank assertion of popular sovereignty, coupled with a demand that the
protection of individual rights be enshrined in law - is not something he
feels comfortable with, let alone wants to endorse."
The Age editorial simply described Howard's snub as "an error of judgement".
Let us all embrace the Eureka flag and what it represents.
And now to the jokes (some a little strange this week) proudly brought to you
by the Iraqi Interim Government - and Enron - building a great future together.
BTW - all former Enron employees may be able to file their claim easier by
referring to Click here - I imagine it's all there ... somewhere in the detail ...
This, found on Barista, is from DT of Tiley fame
CANADIAN BORDER SECURITY
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the
exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt,
pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He
asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I
said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare
Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals
still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near
the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across
the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are
not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I
found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice
little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing
loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumours have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps
in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious
ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens
on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence
Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
and organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And
we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is
determined to reach out."
- Author Unknown".
And a couple from UK Smithy
An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end,
he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just generally
shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the American says,
"Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang
froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means, 'cold blood',
but what does it *mean*?"
The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into
his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can
turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat*
is sang froid!"
The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis
circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say, 'Please don't
mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang froid!"
"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his
wife and his best friend, stands there saying, 'Please continue', and his
friend *CAN* continue, *zat* is sang froid!".
Merry Christmas, everyone!
The Government has ruled that there will not be a nativity scene in front
of the Houses of parliament this Christmas. This decision isn't for any
religious or constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find
three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capital.
Note: There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable ...
Two bobs worth from Top Bob
FRIDAY AFTERNOON PHILOSOPHY
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it is insane.
At dawn, we are all children of the new day. Except for bastards.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will starve before mastering the skill, thus saving you today's delicious fish.
A door without handles is merely a wall. Or a hole. Or a weird window.
A slave with no master is free, but a master with no slave is lazy and bitter,
with a soft, oily body and bad hair, complaining to the dog, who could not
The gem cannot be polished without friction. Nor can boils. Nor testicles.
Go forth and boldly seek your fortune! Or go to grad school, I don't care.
Pleasure and pain are twin serpents in the garden of your desire, which is
full of weeds, animal carcasses, and poison-berries.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a
fool forever and yet appears much wiser than he who asked five minutes ago.
Keep your broken arm inside your sleeve, where the maggots cannot feed upon it.
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented
goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures
and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"You must be so proud" says the other.
"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."
"A fine looking young man", replies his friend.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
And what the heck - it's a repeat from Sister Carol - but it's Christmas:
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
T'was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves, and
threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have good mind to
scrap the whole works.
I've busted my arse
for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa",
Just what do I hear?
The old lady bitches
'cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money,
The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and
he goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant, and
Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought
that things would get better,
those arseholes from IR
they sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes -
if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent
Santa Claus any money.
And all the kids these days,
they are simply the pits.
They want the impossible...
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year
making wagons and sleds
their arms, legs and heads.
Made a ton of yo yo's ...
No requests for them.
Just computers and robots,
Hey, I'm not IBM!
If you think that that's bad,
then just picture this.
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
they grab at my beard.
And if I don't smile,
parents think I'm weird.
Flying through the air
and dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys,
and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job.
There's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat arse
and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year,
now you know the reason.
I found me a bimbo,
I'm off SOUTH for this season!
This strange submission arrived from (it would seem) Rocky-1 It was written
by a marine on behalf of our heroes, living and dead, who've sacrificed
themselves on the battlefield.
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS II
T'was the night before christmas,
He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of
Plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
and to see just who
in this home did live.
I looked all about,
A strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents,
not even a tree.
No stocking by mantle,
just boots filled with sand,
on the wall hung pictures
of far distant lands.
With medals and badges,
awards of all kinds,
a sober thought
came through my mind.
For this house was different,
it was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier,
once I could see clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping,
silent , alone,
curled up on the floor
in this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,
the room in such disorder,
not how I pictured
a united states soldier.
Was this the hero
of whom i'd just read?
curled up on a poncho,
the floor for a bed?
I realized the families
that I saw this night,
owed their lives to these soldiers
who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world,
the children would play,
and grownups would celebrate
a bright christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom
each month of the year,
because of the soldiers,
like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder
how many lay alone,
on a cold christmas eve
in a land far from home.
The very thought
brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees
and started to cry.
The soldier awakened
and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry,
this life is my choice;
I fight for freedom,
I don't ask for more, my life is my god,
my country, my corps."
The soldier rolled over
and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it,
I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours,
so silent and still
and we both shivered
from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave
On that cold, dark, night,
this guardian of honour
so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over,
With a voice soft and pure,
whispered, "carry on santa,
it's Christmas Day, all is secure."
One look at my watch,
And I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas, my friend,
and to all a good night."
This weeks pics are from Moonboot, the D-files, Digi Steve, Sister Carol,
Mandie M&Ms, UniLee, Deanna, Uncle Doug, Brett Dude, Ty, Rosalie, and Wright
Petty and Leunig from The Age.
Jolly Santa Click here
Christmas is here Click here
Dreaming of Christmas Click here
Unisex loo Click here Click here
Stairway to ... Click here
Religious lever Click here
Wild water ride Click here
Baby bottle Click here
New to Fallujah Click here
Raspberry squash Click here
Journoes remorse Click here
Disco lady Click here
If the hat fits Click here
Santa's application Click here
Malvern Star mower Click here
With us or agin us Click here
Prize catch Click here Click here Click here
How does she do it? Click here
Designer tank Click here
Topless photos Click here
Home cinema Click here
Higher than Joe Cocker Click here
Happy Birthday Click here
The two of us Click here
The three wise women Click here
Back to ASCII now with Steph the Crock
THE FINE ART OF THE COVERING LETTER BY OWEN GOODYEAR
I am writing to you to apply for the post of Idiot, as advertised in the
Walthamstow Gazette. Please find enclosed my CV, although I did not put it
in the envelope. Nor did I use an envelope. Please also find enclosed bacon.
I first became interested in idioting when I realised that I had the brains
of a shrimp and the potential of a housebrick. I realised this when a number
of local dignitaries offered substantial tax breaks to my parents to have
me put down. This was further reinforced when I was dropped on my head as a
child, over a period of some years, by a small number of volunteers working
in shifts. This has given me a number of intellectual capabilities, the number
in question being 0, and a useful ability to carry drinks trays on my head.
I realise I have used the phrase "a number of" a number of times in this
letter, as I have on a number of other occasions. For general purposes I
assume all numbers to be four and act accordingly.
My salary as Idiot will be negotiable, but I expect it to be four. With
suitably generous holiday entitlements I will, however, accept a salary as
low as four.
I have a number of skills, also 0. These do not include cryptography, fluid
dynamics, any form of dance, Quechua or yeast.
My previous experience is listed on my CV, but I shall repeat it here for no
reason. When I was four, I worked for four years as a drinks machine in a
large plastics manufacturer. I was then promoted to Assistant Scum before
moving to IBM to work as a computer error. This post greatly suited my
lifestyle and it was a hard decision to move, after a brief spell as Chief
Financial Officer, to a field near Harrogate. Since then I have been mostly
in a state of inebriation and have a number of court orders against my name,
none of which I understand. I can be Dutch upon request.
I can give as many references as you may require, although I should point out
that none have any knowledge of my employment history, abilities or conduct,
or indeed, of me in any way whatsoever, except in the case of those who have
had to have me surgically removed. Please do not contact any references
before the interview, as I feel it is quite likely that very few of them
exist. If this is a problem please contact me on my home telephone number,
which is four, or on my mobile, which is above my bed. It looks pretty in
the moonlight. I think I like you.
My blood type is B. This was raised from a C- on appeal.
I can be available for interview at any time after dark, and I look forward
to hearing from you, or anyone else.
DEAR PENTHOUSE FORUM,
I never thought this would happen to me. I am a beautiful young Nubian
woman who also happens to own a very successful internet company so I'm
also fabulously wealthy. I've been there done that, and I make the t-shirt;
so you can imagine how boring life is for me.
The other night I was strolling through the mall when I saw the most virile
looking man. They had to call for a 'clean up on aisle four' he made me
so wet. He was just sitting there in this gorgeous red suit with white fur
trim. He had a thick white beard and a huge belly. Children were lining up to
sit on his lap. It was too good to be true. Not only was this man gorgeous,
but he shared my interest in young boys! It was all I could do not to run
into the nearest Brookstone and ram one of those giant, 'back massagers'
into the steaming, single-slice toaster between my legs.
I got into line behind the last little boy. I don't think I mentioned my
outfit, yet. Since I came directly from church, I was wearing 4 strips of
electrical tape, my nipple clamps, and a 5 inch long micro mini skirt that
barely covered my fabulous pooper. I was also wearing 5 inch stilettos,
shin guards, a Jimmy Choo catcher's mitt, and a sombrero.
When it was my turn, I tightened my clamps and adjusted my skirt. I straddled
him, and his eyes filled with tears of desire, or perhaps agony. I was
wearing my leather thong with the metal spikes on it, and hadn't taken that
into consideration as I ground my pelvis against his mighty Yule log.
He managed to gasp, "What would you like for Christmas?" before I slipped
the ball gag into his mouth.
"I want you to slide your thick, candy cane of love through the honeyed
window of my gingerbread house!" I cried as I drove the heel of my stiletto
into his instep; piercing the top of his shiny black boot. We were so close
I could really get a good whiff of him. He smelled like baby vomit, stale
urine, and scotch. With every passing moment he reminded me more and more
of my dad. I couldn't have been more aroused.
The children began sobbing in delight. Some of their parents grabbed me
roughly by the shoulders. It was going to be a gangbang I realized with
glee! I dropped to all fours and arched my back like a reindeer: waiting
for that first North pole to enter my Southern most hole(s).
So needless to say I spent Christmas in jail. Jail is full of real lesbians,
which don't even seem to be the species as the lesbians you see in the
movies. They beat me, and violated me in every possible way. It was like
Abu Ghraib, only everyone smelled like patchouli, and these bitches really
knew what they were doing. After a week of brutal treatment, my high priced
lawyer was finally able to convince me to go home. I was sad to leave Ruth,
Marge, and Irma, but I know I'll see them again - if only to have them fed
to my hounds. Looking back, I guess you could say my ride on Santa's lap
really made my Christmas wish come true.
More from Sister Carol
FRUITY MEN & WOMEN
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead,
they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good,
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share
this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!
Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Versions of this one do the rounds every year - this version (and what follows)
came from Sherwood Forest
From us ("the wishors") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee"):
Please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, our best wishes for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect
for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions.
Please also accept, under aforesaid waiver of obligation on your part, our
best withes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common
Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects, and
having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious
faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that:
This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal at the
This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be
made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor
This greeting implies no warranty on the part of the wishors to fulfill
these wishes, nor any ability of the wishors to do so, merely a beneficent
hope on the part of the wishors that they in fact occur.
This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the
restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain
jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.
This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within
the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until
the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this
wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor
Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our
Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead
or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this
greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names
and images are hereby acknowledged.
Finally a couple from Fosters John
Some interesting information for when you have a spare moment ...
* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must
be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of
war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts)
is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving
under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over
by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U. S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon
of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City,
after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered
a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
gallon to clean the pot.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You
also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only
6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in
the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is
not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"
WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?
Little Johnny was getting real close to that inquisitive age.
"Dad, Where do babies come from?"
Dad looked at Mum and said "I suppose I'll have to tell him about the birds
and the bees."
Big preamble, then he says "... so you see, along comes the stork carrying
the baby and he flies in and leaves it on the cot."
Little Johnny looks at his dad real puzzled and eventually says: "Who shags
the stork then?"
Quote of the Week
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it
- George Bernard Shaw
[ End Fri humour ]
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