Friday humour - December 03, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       G'day,
    And the main bit of housekeeping this week is a correction from Muse over
    in Canada who points out that the story we had a cupla weeks ago about
    that guy who preserved his dead wife inside a glass coffee table ("Only
    in America") was yet another hoax.  For the full story, just check out
    this site - Click here

    Muse added "I look forward to friday humour even if you do beat up my
    American neighbours ..."  Hey, we don't beat up America - just those
    morons who voted for Dublya!  (Okay, okay - no politics this week :-)

    The only other thing to say before we start is - for anyone out there
    who's feeling a bit down at the moment - things will get better for
    you, okay?  Too many nice people are taking their own lives lately,
    and it's especially hard around this time of the year if you're living
    alone.  It is very easy to get depressed, even in a family situation
    (and yes - in my late teens and 20's, I sometimes became very depressed
    too).  But just try and hang in there.  Even if you're finding it hard
    to get a job - don't let it wear you down, okay?  Just keep saying to
    yourself "F--k the lot of 'em" and hang in there anyway.  And do enjoy
    the insanity in here.

    Which begins this week with a couple from John Klimek over at the old
    Carlton and United factory:
                           ----------------------

                        WHO'S GOT THE BETTER CULTURE?

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior
culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"

The Italian says, "We have the Colloseum"

The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"

Then the Greek says: "We invented sex"

The Italian says "That is true - but it was the Italians who introduced it
to women."

                             ----====####====----


                                THREE LADIES

Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet
conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened
his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
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        And next up, from the Digi Maria, we have this trio:

                          PHYSICIAN VERSUS LAWYER

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat,
the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in
the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes,
and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says,
"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and
spits in it. When the attorney returns with the coke, the other physician
says, "That looks good - I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink.  While he's gone, the
other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight.  As the
plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and
realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between
our professions?  This hatred?  This animosity?  This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?"

                             ----====####====----

                                   OATMEAL

A man walks into a breakfast cafe and notices a special they have on
oatmeal. He sits down at the bar and asks the waitress for the oatmeal.
The waitress replies that they had just run out of it.

Disappointed, the man instead orders some eggs. While waiting for his
eggs, he notices a bowl of oatmeal apparently untouched sitting just down
the bar. Looking to see if anyone would notice, he reached out and
grabbed the bowl. He took one hesitant bite and found that it tasted
pretty good.

He took another bite, and another, and found himself scarfing the oatmeal
down. When he reached the bottom of the bowl he found himself staring at
the very dead eyes of a severed mouse head.

Being very disgusted, he began to gag, and threw up back into the bowl.
While he was panting and spitting, a man sitting in a booth came up behind
him and said, "Yeah, that's what I did too."

                             ----====####====----

                                 BLONDE JOKE

A blonde and a lawyer sat next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asked
her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the
answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars.  And every time the
blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the
lawyer would pay the blonde 50 dollars.

So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance
between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars.

The blonde then asked him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a
hill with three?"

The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50
dollars.

Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was.  Without a word, the blonde
gave the lawyer five dollars.
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       Next, from Mandy (who just flew back to 18c Melbourne from those
       constantly boring 35c temperatures in Qld), we have:
                           ----------------------

                     REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December.   Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.

We should've known.  ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost ...
 Click here
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      And from Eric - that guy in Africa - this just arrived ...

                                 THE SEA

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea".  Kids were
asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.  Teachers got
together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that
were funny, and some that were sad.  Here are some of them.  The kids were
all aged between 5 and 8 years.

                                + + + + + + + +

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.  (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like
my brother did last summer.  (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls.  (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry.  (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why?  (Katie age 5)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.  (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head.  (Billy age 7)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.  How do
mermaids get pregnant?  (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming
and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.  (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have
to plug themselves into chargers.  (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.  (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the
sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun.
(Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen
inside.  (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors.
(Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other.  (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)
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       And just before we go to the pics and things, let's have a couple
       more from John Klimek over at CUB ...

                               PROGRAMMERS

Two programmers went on a fishing vacation on the west coast. They each went
off in separate boats to try their luck.  When they returned, the first
programmer had great luck, bagging six huge coho salmon while the other came
back empty.

The second programmer says to the first, "Did you mark the spot where
you caught the fish?"

"I sure did", replied the lucky programmer, "I drew an X right here in the
bottom of the boat.

The second shook his head in disbelief and groaned "That's not very bright.
How do you know you'll get the same boat tomorrow?"

                             ----====####====----

                               POETIC JUSTICE

Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Donovan
placed his hand on her bare breast,

"You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked.

"Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer."

Donovan then began caressing her stomach.

"Of course," he continued,"you know what I'm doing."

"Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix."

By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his
clothes and began screwing her.

"You ... know what I'm doing ... now, don't you?" he gasped.

"I think so ..." she gasped in reply. "You're checking for ... VD ... because
that's what I ... came here for ..."
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     Okay - to the pics and things, and first up, it's one from our Illinois
     correspondent (Nestor - Click here - front), and ...


Help DubYa to get some brains!  Click here
                           ----------------------

     And I just came across this one - what an amazing idea:

The fish highway:  Click here
                           ----------------------

     From Ian Watson - "You're setting up a website, you'll be selling
     pens. Do you give any thought to what might be a bad name for your
     company? Not these guys ... www.penisland.net" - Pen Island: Click here
                           ----------------------

     And from German George, we have:

           OFF TO MUNICH?  SUPPORT OUR LOCAL LAD FROM KILMORE!

Jason is the owner of "The Crawl" in Munich - Click here - offering

the best beer tours in town.  Also, as of 3 months ago, he owns "The Arc" -
 Click here - making you feel at home away from home.


Mike "Dubblya" (as I call him) runs bike tours and tries to hog the whole
market for himself using dirty tricks to threaten off his competitors.

"The Crawl", run by Jason - our lad from Kilmore - is famed for it's Munich
tours, but is the victim of Dubblya tactics via the self proclaimed dominator
of tourist guides in Munich Germany.

Mike "Dubblya" Lasher (of all surnames) from the USofA tries to scare off
tourists who want to do "the crawl" by incorrectly claiming that:

- The Crawl is not a licensed business
- Jason doesn't take care of you
- The tourists are not insured

The facts are that Mike the Lasher wants to control the market:

- He tries to scare off other flyer distributors at the main station by
  threatening them with police action.

- Apparently Mike the Lasher was caught red-handed binning Jason's flyers
  in a hotel lobby!

- Rumour has it that the Lashers' employees have to sign a document forcing
  them to put down "The Crawl" or face sacking.

Furthermore, the Lasher's bike tour takes you midway to the beer garden
for a beer or 2 or 3 or 4. How dumb do you have to be to let someone ride
a bike drunk?  There ain't no insurance if anything happens there.

If you ask me, walk it and play safe when you get plastered. Jason is a great
young Australian guy who knows what Australians like.  After all, would you
let a binner take care of you? That's about the same as letting big dubbya do
the vote counting in Florida.
                           ----------------------

       Then there were these from Library Jill the round one ...

Scientists get their own Google: Click here
And some puzzles ... The Grey Labyrinth - puzzles: Click here
                           ----------------------


       Martin Leahy came across this one.  It's fairly gruesome, but believe
       it or not, both guys in this survived:

Crash and Burn: Click here
                           ----------------------

       And from Moonboot, we have:

Snowman: Click here
Bad nurse: Click here
Paint job: Click here
                           ----------------------

       Here are a few I came across ...

Dummies book: Click here
Another Dummies book: Click here
Religion: Click here
Trees: Click here
Drinkers United: Click here
Bottled water: Click here
Dance it up! Click here
Snuggle? Click here
That Airline! Click here
Flakes: Click here
                           ----------------------

      And here are a couple Mike Horne came across ...

The fabulous Bakin Boys: Click here
Blow in her: Click here
                           ----------------------

      John Sanderson passed a couple on this week too ...

Phone pics ... Click here
Durex Ad: Click here
                           ----------------------

      Now over to German George for this little collection:

Cashier: Click here
Convenience: Click here
Well seasoned: Click here
Nice job: Click here
Spay 'em ... Click here
Fill 'er up!  Click here
Arctic oven: Click here
Ooooh ... Click here
                           ----------------------

      And one from Digi Maria:

Viagra death: Click here
                           ----------------------

      Mandy the M&M sent these over ...

The Christmas Cake: Click here
Workplace solutions: Click here
An intersting 4W-drive jaunt: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Bad day at work: Click here
                           ----------------------

      And from Ian Watson - maybe why cyclists wear black shorts ...?

Black: Click here
Not black: Click here
                           ----------------------

      From Shorty, who says "I want one!" ...

Gimme one! Click here
                           ----------------------

      Bob Topping sent this one ...

In Greece, this is why you don't jump the lights: Click here
                           ----------------------

      And from Digi Steve, his favourite new truck:

Mine! Click here
                           ----------------------

      Biggus sent a few across too, starting with a cupla movies  ...

Fitness: Click here
Domino: Click here
Diamond: Click here
Neuter them: Click here
Tape: Click here
Stolen: Click here
                           ----------------------

                                SOUND BYTES

      And finally, a couple of sound-bites for your weekend (or lunchtime)
      listening.  First up, it's another Jack Davey quiz show from 50 years
      ago - this time broadcast from the Port Augusta Army camp in South
      Australia, with a local audience of around 8500.  As passed on by
      Geoff (Clarmont in Tasmania):

Jack Davey's Ampol Show from Port Augusta: Click here

      Plus this recent sound travelogue from Phillip Adams and guest Rob Sitch
      about the wonderful province of Phaic Tan.  The MP3 copy below is just
      the Phaic Tan extract from this Nov 29/04 LNL.  The original is on the
      ABC's website - Click here - although by the time some of you read this,

      you'll need to click on their "More summaries and Audio" link near the
      bottom to get to it.  Anyway, here's a more widely playable MP3 copy:

Why you should visit Phaic Tan: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now to something more from Moonboot

                           THE PRINCESS'S PROBLEM

Once upon a time there lived a king.  The king had a beautiful daughter, the
princess.  But there was a problem.  Everything the princess touched would
melt.  No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.  Nobody would dare marry her.  The
king despaired.  What could he do to help his daughter?  He consulted his
wizards and magicians.  One wizard told the king, If your daughter touches one
thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.  The next day, he held a
competition.  Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not
melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.  The first prince brought a sword
of the finest steel.  But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.  The
prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.  He thought diamonds are the hardest
substance in the world and would not melt.  But alas, once the princess
touched them, they melted.  He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.  He told the princess, "Put your hand in my
pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though
she turned red.  She felt something hard.  She held it in her hand.  And it
did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.  Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.  And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:  What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)



























M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

                             ----====####====----

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At a house it
seemed obvious that someone was in, but  even after his repeated knocks no
answer came, he then took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back
of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed on Sunday, he found his card, added to it was
this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the
citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
was naked."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     And from Doug knight:

                    THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU
                 IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOUR MOTHER ...
                       OR TO YOUR SISTER.


The strangest thing happened to me at lunch today.  I was sitting at a local
outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat down at my
table.....

I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table and
wouldn't leave me alone.  I shined up my ring on my married finger, then
placed my hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I
was not interested in them.  Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but
thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe's camera.

I'm sending you this picture as a warning, just in case they try and pick you
up too.  Honestly, some men think they are God's gift -  Click here

Then I fell out of bed and woke up
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Plus another collection (of three) from John K at CUB ...
                           ----------------------

Q: Have you ever smelled moth balls?
A: How did you get their little legs apart?

Q: What are the three most insulting words in the world?
A: "Is it in?"

                             ----====####====----

One day, the president of the corporation starts calling in his senior
vice presidents, one by one for a short talk. Then he starts calling in
the junior vice presidents, one by one. Then he proceeded to call in all
the rest of the company's officers in order of seniority. Finally he
calls in the new office boy. The office boy is petrified (he has never
met the president before). The president tells the office boy to sit down,
and then bellows at the boy;

"Have you been fooling around with the new Secretary?"

The terrified office boy stammered out:

"No, sir."

So the president says: "Good, then you fire her!"

                             ----====####====----

                         THE PREYING MANTIS SYNDROME

Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem very
good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating with,
well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, it
is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his
family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This behavior
is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms are
periodically subject to it's wrath.

How did the preying mantis become stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is
probably what happened beforehand:

The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some
courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.

The female mantis, her lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids
the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male
and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male
establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on
Thursdays, and bowling on Fridays.

The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then files for a divorce.
After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid home with a lesson
well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just eat him when you're
done with him.

Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is
carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week
out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the
head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And finally for this week, from Maria of the Digi, we have ...
                           ----------------------

                               YET MORE VIRUSES

Watch out for these new viruses - Symantec, Norton, and McAfee have no
solutions as yet!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of
mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you
turn it on.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
recounting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails
everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files and leaves ... but
will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
slowly expands to restabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy..
then discards it through Windows.
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[ End Friday humour ]


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