Friday humour - November 26, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:

        G'day

    [This issue of FH is brought to you courtesy of the Baxter Detention
    Centre.  It's a place in SA where they lock people of the world up for
    one reason or another.  Mainly calling them "terrorists" because they
    are "different".

    I was only doing a Google check to see that I'd spelled ... should that
    be spelt ... (both are correct according to WP) ... Baxter correctly.
    And it appears I have.

    But here is what I found from the Seven National Newsroom (actually it
    was our ABC online but Seven needs all the help it can get!  Maybe Seven
    should stop copying the others program-wise and stop talking over and
    squashing the credits.  But I digress ... this is what I read.

       -----------------------
       A prominent refugee advocate warns South Australia's Baxter Detention
       Centre is on the brink of a major riot.

       A protest involving about 25 male detainees broke out at the centre
       on Tuesday, over a new system which is delaying the process of
       dispensing medication to detainees.

       A male detainee is recovering at Baxter after attempting to give
       himself an electric shock on Monday, which is believed to be the
       second incident of self-harm at the centre in the past fortnight.

       Justice for Refugees spokesman Don McMaster says tension at the
       centre is building, with many detainees fearing deportation.

       "What Justice for Refugees is quite alarmed about is the high
       incidence of self-mutilation that's happening up there and also that
       high level of anxiety," he said.
       -----------------------

    Yo!  But that of course doesn't worry us ... does it?

    As long as we know nothing ... nothing matters.

    We don't need to know of the disasters that are happening every day to
    keep the terrorists away.  How many more innocent asylum seekers have
    to suffer?  And how many in cities like Fallujah must die.  Isn't it
    about time we "asked" the terrorists what their mission is?

    I suspect it's a fair go.  Something most of us take for granted.
    Let's talk!

    With reference to the Baxter Detention Centre, I imagine any publicity
    is good publicity.  Think about it.

    There are two spelling mistakes in what's below.  And I'm stuffed if
    I'm going to correct them.  (It's too hard in Pine.)   But there is
    a Mars Bar award for the person who spots the next unnecessary death
    ... in Fallujah. ]

    And Happy Thanksgiving to all in America.  We trust your turkeys were
    well stuffed!

    Thanks to Tony for his kind words in the last issue.  I never thought
    I'd last 5 years with Bluehaze Productions but it's all been good fun
    and often thought-provoking.  I remember the early "daze" of flinging
    everything into WordPerfect to get rid of all the errant characters
    that arrive with e-mail messages from around the Globe.  And I'm still
    so grateful to Mad Mick for pointing me towards Stripmail ... which is
    not what you may imagine from its name.

    Digi Steve has sent in this little test of your mouse manoeuvring
    skills which might get you on the ball before reading the funnies.
    For those who don't read German these are Steve's instructions ...

    "You just move you mouse left to right (no clicking) to keep him walking
    in a straight line.

    The object of the game is to keep him walking, without falling over,
    by using your mouse from left to right or right to left - you can't
    see your mouse which makes it more difficult.

    Apparently the record is 82 meters!" www.wagenschenke.ch/


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First up some from Fosters John

                           THE STUFF OF POLITICS

I'm trying to get all this political stuff straightened out in my head. Let's
put it all down in black and white. Maybe I'll understand it better.

* Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good...
* Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad...

* Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia - good...
* Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq - bad...

* Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good...
* Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...

* Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists- good...
* Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad...

* Clinton bombs Chinese embassy - good...
* Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad...

* Clinton commits felonies while in office - good...
* Bush lands on aircraft carrier in jumpsuit - bad...

* No mass graves found in Serbia - good...
* No WMD found Iraq - bad...

* Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good...
* Economy on upswing under Bush - bad...

* Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden - good...
* World Trade Centers fall under Bush - bad...

* Clinton says Saddam has nukes - good...
* Bush says Saddam has nukes - bad...

* Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good...
* Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...

* Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good...
* Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad...

* Milosevic not yet convicted - good...
* Saddam turned over for trial - bad...

Ahh, it's so confusing!

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                                SLAPPED

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees
who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside
the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called
SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
the company will continue it's policy of training employees through our
SHIT plan. (Special High Intensity Training).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given
our employees more SHIT than any company in the area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Regards


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This from Minnesota Scott (who works in radio)

                             LIGHT BULBS GALORE

Q: How many General Managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's not in the budget. Work in the dark.

Q: How many PDs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How bad IS the light bulb?

Q: How many Oldies PDs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, and two to reminisce about the old one.

Q: How many Production Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but first the client will want to change it, then sales.

Q: How many jocks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We had a light bulb in here?

Q: How many jocks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But, the Program Director gets to pick the bulb!

Q: How many Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ".... I've had it on order... should be in next week....."

Q: How many part-timers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who cares anyway?

Q: How many promotions people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but you'd better tell them to change it now, before it
   burns out.

Q: How many interns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None right now... they can when they're ready, but they keep asking anyway.

Q: How many contest winners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't want to change the bulb, they want to exchange theirs for a
   better one.

Q: How many clients does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, but they want to see a proposal first.

Q: How many syndicators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, but they want 7 spots a week to do it.

Q: How many record label reps does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They want the PD to do it with as many spins as possible as he/she
   screws it in. And, "... can you add a new light bulb next Tuesday?..."

Q: How many listeners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as possible. You just hope it's YOUR light bulb!

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't change the bulbs, they just test them.

Q: How many Conservative Talk hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Typical Liberal blather! It is not the responsibility of government
   to change the light bulbs in the private sector! You can't legislate
   light! I'm getting sick and tired of you irresponsible "tax and spend"
   light bulb changers who think that everyone is entitled to free light,
   with no responsibilities!!!

Q: How many Talk Radio PDs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a very sensitive issue. I think you need to check your facts a
   little more carefully. We need to wait until there are at least 3 separate
   news sources confirming that the light bulbs actually need changing.

Q: How many Liberal Talk hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There aren't enough of them for a standard answer.

Q: How many Talk Radio sponsors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are light bulbs a problem in your home? Does it seem like the government
   is trying to take away your light bulbs? Are the utilities in your area
   causing your light bulbs to burn out faster? Don't be left in the dark! Call
   now, and receive free, our information kit on the amazing new light bulb
   alternative that doesn't depend upon the utilities providing energy! The
   all-new totally Millennium-compliant light source, "Candles"...

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And from Sister Carol

                             Bend her over

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the
ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can
have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her
girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her
girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can
pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me
what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said " That m_____f____r had the $500 in quarters!"

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  One from Sunsock ...er ... Moonboot

                               THE CAR WAY

The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:

-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her
to get inside, closes her door behind her

-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in

-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and
opens it.

-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says
"Aren't you getting in?"

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     This weeks pics are from Little Di, Guru Gary, Irish Dermot, Moonboot,
     Top Bob, Digi Maria, Russell the Chonker, Mad Mick, UK Smithy, Trina,
     Sister Carol, Kirsten Penny, Muse from Canada, the Great Man himself,
     and Wilcox, Wright, Tandberg and Leunig from The Age:

     *** WARNING ***  SOME OF THESE GRAPHICS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE.
     IF YOU ARE EASILY UPSET WHY NOT GO FOR A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK? ... OR
     SIMPLY MOVE ON ...   WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Happy Christmas Click here

The Queen and I Click here

Stupid wanker (X-rated) Click here

Just a thought Click here

Dumb and dumber Click here

New confectionary treat Click here

The way to go Click here

In the drink Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Not for straight men Click here

From The Age Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

True love Click here

Nutrition (XXX-rated) Click here

Ricoh's Revenge Click here

Time for Terry Click here


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And a couple from British Brian McKnickers

                                JUST IN PASSING ...

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking
it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came
along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If
you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson .

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                                GOING DOWN

Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some
hot pink panties on dis flight."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying
butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some fluorescent orange
panties."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating
butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear no panties at all."

"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if
dat plane goes down, the first thing they always look for is a black box."

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Another quickie from Sister carol

                             THE CASKET

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,
and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to
the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,
and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said ...

"Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,
and they rolled it away. So her friend said ...

"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with
your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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Two quickies from Fosters John and the guys at B1

                          GENERATION SCIENCE

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible
for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have
television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented
them! What are you doing for the next generation?"


                        THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she
explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months
later the stork usually brings them a little baby.

Little Johnny at the back of the class puts his hand up and asks the teacher,
are you sure about the stork miss? Cos my sister just got a little baby
and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!
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Quote of the Week:

   "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
    with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."

      Galileo Galilei 

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    [ THIS EDITION OF FH WAS COURTESY OF THE BAXTER DETENTION CENTRE AND
      WE ALL SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED.

      BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.  WE DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO APPEAR DIFFERENT.

      GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT THEY MIGHT BE UP TO.

      QED! ]

[ End Fri humour ]

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