Friday humour - November 19, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           Yo,
      And probably about the biggest issue of Fri humour ever this week,
      for no particular reason (just turned out that way).  Lots of pics
      _and_ lots of ASCII.  First up, a correction from Jeff Lerner re one
      of our Q & A thingees from November 12 last:

      ----------------
      "Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
          you would find the letter "A"?
       A. One thousand

       Not correct.  What about one hundred and one?

       Keep up the good work.  I enjoy FH each week."
      ----------------
                                      #   #   #

      I thought we were over the Oz and US election comments, but here's
      a couple more.  Firstly, this one arrived from Bob Topping about 10
      minutes ago - it's the new official map of the good ol' USA.
      Sore losers: Click here

      And from Wellington Ben ... "4,530 sorries from America", which was
      working a few hours ago but is timing out as I type this: Click here

                                      #   #   #

      This is a bit more in the Oz election washup from The Age, Fri October
      22, 2004 (yep, this got buried in the in-tray).  I just thought this
      was cute ...

                       BLOOD IS THICKER THAN POLITICS IN OZ

      As he conceded defeat in Bonner, Labor veteran Con Sciacca announced
      his political career was over.

      Mr Sciacca, who served as an MP for almost 15 years including as
      veterans affairs minister in the Keating government, ruled out any
      return to politics, saying he would focus on his Brisbane legal
      practice and the corporate world.

      He was 818 votes behind Liberal newcomer Ross Vasta.

      Mr Sciacca learned Mr Vasta's father, former Supreme Court judge
      Angelo Vasta, had refused to hand out how-to-vote cards for his son
      out of deference for his friendship with Mr Sciacca.

      He said if he had to lose, he was pleased to lose to a Vasta.

      "He is a third generation Sicilian, so in a way we are keeping it in
      the family," Mr Sciacca said.

                                      #   #   #

      Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana (as Groucho said),
      and I just realised that Davo's been helping with Friday humour for
      almost 5 years now.  For someone who's not a computer geek, Davo has
      still managed to FTP his collections of pics and movies over to
      bluehaze each "other" week, move them into the appropriate directory,
      log in via an ssh terminal-window, edit up the week's collection,
      check the various links, and finally post the whole result off
      via pine.  Of course our "Clayton's Personnel Officer" did learn his
      trade hacking his way in and around the Dec Vax in the 1970 and 80s,
      so he knows a lot more about computers than how to click a mouse.
      Which has turned out to be quite a boon (I know plenty of young
      scientists who wouldn't know what a terminal window looked like :-)

      Anyway - humour now, and the first two offerings this week are from
      Ken Pillig (son of Rudi, actually) ... now what can we make out that?
      Steve, son of Tony Kerassitis became Kero or Kero tin ... oh well,
      I'm sure someone'll think of something ...
                         -------------------------

                         THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club
   and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
   the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
   are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
   to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
   the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
   may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
   arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
   to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played,
   or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset
   course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
    scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
    time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
    someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
    Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
    under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
    situation.  More advanced players will find alternative means of play
    when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
    around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with,
    and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
    attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed
    at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
    same hole several times in one match.

                             ----====####====----

                                A FEW GOOD MEN

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels
a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns
around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor", says the man. "I'm just keeping in practice while
I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from our ex-QCAT-now-BHP correspondent, we just received:
                         -------------------------

                            I AM THANKFUL FOR ...

The child who is not cleaning his room but is watching TV, because that
means he is at home and not on the streets.

For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been
surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough
to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters and
need fixing, because it means I have a home.

For all the complaints I hear about the government, because it means that
we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because that
means that I'm capable of walking - and that I have been blessed with
transportation.

For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church that sings off key, because it means that I
can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I
have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes of in the early morning hours, because it means that I
am alive.

And finally .......

For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Then there was this stuff from our sister list out in the wild west,
      from the latest Dilbert newsletter ...
                         -------------------------


                             INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES

Here now, some quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives.

"Let's lick this one in the butt."

"If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

"He's as sharp as a new penny."

"I just want to be sure that we cross all the i's and dot the t's."

"Let's not stick our heads in the mud and drink our own bath water."

                             ----====####====----


                          TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS

When our printer ran out of color ink, one Induhvidual asked, "Why don't we
print it in black and white and then take a color photocopy?"

One of our salespeople told a customer to "Write on a fax, in pretty good
size letters, MUST SHIP TODAY." When the fax came in it said, "In pretty
good size letters must ship today."

I was dining with a friend at our favorite Thai restaurant when one of the
owners came by to show us photos of her new baby boy.  Afterward, my friend
remarked that she was surprised that the baby looked "so Chinese." I said,
"Well, he does look Asian, since both parents are from Thailand, but what
did you expect?"  She said, "Yeah, I know, but I expected him to look more
American since they've been living in the U.S. for 15 years."

We were chatting about the latest high price of crude oil, when a friend of
ours piped up: "I don't understand the big deal about the price of oil. I
mean, I only put oil in my car every now and then, but I put gas in my car
every day!"

On Feb. 14th, my birthday, at our daily team meeting, the manager turned to
me and said to the group, "And let's all wish Allen a happy birthday today!"

A programmer turned to me and asked, "Today's your birthday? How often does
your birthday fall on Valentines Day?"

I had to struggle mightily to come up with a response that didn't include
the phrase "dumb ass."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay, here's the pics that a few of you have sent in over the past
        week or two (and nothing from Mandy 'cos she's enjoying 35c days on
        the family farm in Queensland and we'd be the last thing on her mind),
        but from the Butterworth Barb, it's "Hi guys, found this site which is
        verrry interesting.  Thought it may be of interest to your legions
        of fans ...!"

Wrecked exotics (wait for the ads to disappear): Click here
                         -------------------------

        This one's from Jas (slightly X-Rated):

MSN contact: Click here
                         -------------------------

        Over to Africa now and Eric in his tree ...

1. Click on the link
2. Put the coin in the vending machine
3. Choose your drink
4. Click on the cup when it is ready
5. Click on "APRI" and enjoy
Vendo-coffee (has sound as well): Click here
And a bar for REAL drinkers: Click here
                         -------------------------

        From Olivine, we have a day at the beach (animated GIF):
Beach fun: Click here
                         -------------------------

        These all came from Digi Steve:

Toyota for sale: Click here Click here Click here
And a beautiful catch: Click here
14 Things to make you say "Holy Cow!" ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
Natural deselection (another Happy Mac customer): Click here
                         -------------------------

        And another one from John Sanderson -
New films to be released: Click here
                         -------------------------

        Hollywood Len passed on another collection of real and "oughta be"
        billboards:

Billboards: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                         -------------------------

       This one from Melb Uni Lee carried the comment "Only in America ...!"

New coffee table: Click here
                         -------------------------

       James Powell came across this interesting site that's worth a look,
       especially "If pirates ruled ..."

Fun with Photoshop - browse around! Click here
                         -------------------------

       And from our BHP correspondent, it's something old and something new:

How many men in here - is it 12 or 13?  Click here
Nine Coronas (a PC EXE file, so save it and then double-click) Click here
                         -------------------------

       Okay Lee - now here's a few from McCallum ...
That's my Coke: Click here
And more practical jokes for a boring office: Click here Click here Click here
Ooops ... Click here
Donations need to I eat: Click here
Don't even think about it Click here
                         -------------------------

       And this movie just rolled in from Maria the Digi person ...

Typical male: Click here
                         -------------------------

       From Jill in the library that Corporate want to close (after all -
       no-one needs access to real books or papers or magazines these days,
       do they? PCs are much better)  Anyway, this isn't humour, it's a recent
       article from NPG entitled "High-fat diet is bad for the brain" ...
       time for the lettuce maybe?

Fat head: Click here
                         -------------------------

                              Weekend Listening

    And a couple of sound bytes - both somewhat interesting pieces from Radio
    National here in Oz.  The first one is the Indian writer and human rights
    advocate Arundhati Roy who delivered the 2004 Sydney Peace Prize Lecture
    titled "Peace and The New Corporate Liberation Theology" on Wednesday 3rd
    of November 2004 at The Seymour Centre, Sydney.

    It gives some disturbing insights into corruption in the US government and
    how that all fits in with their current activities in Iraq and India.  You
    may be able to find it on the Oz ABC web site - Click here - but if

    you're one of those sensible people who prefers to avoid Real player, you'll
    just have to go for the bluehaze MP3 copy.  Download and then double-click
    it, or copy/paste the link into your favourite player's File -> URL box:

The New Corporate Liberation Theology (53 minute MP3, 12Mb) Click here

    The other interesting one is an interview with the author of "The Men Who
    Stare At Goats".  Jon Ronson shows that there is no limit to the world's
    weirdnesses. This time the bizarre folk don't live on the fringes,
    but reside in the US military.  You can listen via the dreaded RealAudio
    from the ABC site - Click here - or via this MP3 copy:


Men Who Stare At Goats (29 minute MP3, 6Mb) Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay, more ASCII - and from PC guru Russell (wallah) MacKinnon:
                         -------------------------

                              DEAR PRESIDENT

    Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.  I learned
a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a
constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes
of God marriage is based between a man a woman."  I try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.  I do need some
advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how
to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have
tried asking, but most women take offense

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours.  They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2.
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination
Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don't agree. Can
you settle this?  Are there 'degrees' of abomination?   Oh, sorry.  Is there
degrees ...

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27.  How
should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).  He also tends to curse, and he
blasphemes a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn't we just
burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who
sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

   In Jesus' name,

      Consolidated Dumbasses of America
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       This one from Uni Melbourne Lee - an unfortunate experience indeed ...
                         -------------------------

                          FUTURE CLUB FUTURE CLUB

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"Okay," I said, "let's do it!"

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My nork was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor li'l boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick their balls in there,
And, see how THEY come out!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        This one's from the Knightly supporter of research (who got it
        from his next door neighbour):
                         -------------------------

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the
curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat
so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the
Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work
that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly,
the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver
quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your
Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the
metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got
there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And finally, this is quite a large one just passed on by Yvonne.
       It's all about motor manuals and working on cars ...
                         -------------------------

                                HAYNES MANUAL

For those familiar with the Haynes range of motor manuals please find the
following addendum which will prove invaluable:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly
with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place.  Clamp with adjustable wrench then
beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles.  Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey.  Clamp with adjustable wrench then
beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7 ...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry ...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into ...

Haynes: Undo ...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring ...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb ...
Translation: Okay - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly ...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks ...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance ...
Translation: If it isn't broken ... it's about to be!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this ...
Translation: Hahaha!

Haynes: Compress ...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw
at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst
muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect ...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's
going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully ...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut ...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant ...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last
summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs ...
Translation: Snap off ...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch ...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat ...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat until glowing red.  If it still doesn't come
undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of
bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the picture's exploded,
numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The
actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the
damage.

For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the
bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book
that uses this form of understatement?

The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford
Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to
mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine
compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the
thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!

                             ----====####====----

                         THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL

                       All makes and models post-2000

For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes
Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:
Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of
cash.

Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary.
Proceed with routine service (see above).

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as
a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we
are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting
holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength
of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the
handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a
car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery
is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer
shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the
name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30
years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

       And here's a quote for the week:

  Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article
  of blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown
  corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't
  enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.
  If Jesus Christ came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys
  and go to the nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.
  Then we'd get crucified in the morning.

     Ian Anderson of "Jethro Tull"
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[ End Friday humour ]


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