Friday humour - November 12, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


  G'day
Further to Tony's warnings last week regarding e-mail spammers trying
to impersonate banks Rosalie has sent this happy little story in.
 Click here

For those expecting a damning commentary on the US election result I'd
decided to be like the footy legend Jack Dyer - I'm not saying anything in
case I say something.

Then this arrived from Tony ... (who am I to censor what appears in FH?)
 Click here together with US readers' comments - Click here

As Tony put it: "Interesting to read the comments from a few of these morons,
and most refreshing to read those of the other half who do in fact have a
few brains."

Now for those not already suitably upset, this should push you over the edge.
Pics from Mesopotamia.  Suffice to say to those who think the Iraq invasion
is going along tikitiboo, take a look at this site sent in by UK Smithy.

* * * WARNING - NOT FOR THOSE WITH WEAK STOMACHS * * * Click here

If you could stomach that you shouldn't find too much trouble with this
(though a similar WARNING applies).  I'm not enamoured with pit-bull
terriers, but would have to agree with the thesis that the trouble is
usually the owner rather than the dog.  This was submitted by Anon over in
WA: Click here

Hey - that may have been heavy.  But we live in a complex shrinking world.
Let's be nice to each other ... and to our animal friends.

And so to the funny stuff ...

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First up from Digi Maria

                               FASCINATING FACTS!

The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of
pickle the company once had.

A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will
digest itself.

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.

The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes.  He was an
albino.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the
distance.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!

Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A
few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

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And from Gropwo

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1.  A friend
2.  A companion
3.  A lover
4.  A brother
5.  A father
6.  A master
7.  A chef
8.  An electrician
9.  A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

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Rosalie has sent in more stuff from 'The Age'

                          MORE ODD SPOTS FROM THE AGE

Wednesday November 10, 2004 A Turkish petrol attendant who lost his mobile
phone dialled the number to discover ringing sounds coming from his dog's
stomach. The man was reunited with his phone the next day.

Tuesday November 9, 2004 A German driver caused $36,000 damage when she tried
to eat a bowl of muesli while driving her car. The 21-year-old lost control
of the vehicle after she reached out to stop the bowl from tipping over.

Monday November 8, 2004 An Argentinean burglar who got stuck in a chimney
has been ordered to rebuild it. A court ordered the man, who works as a
builder, to rebuild the chimney for the house's owner after firefighters
had to break it open to free him.

Saturday November 6, 2004 China is taking no chances as host of the next
Olympics and has chosen an 8pm start on August 8, 2008 - or 8/8/8/08 - for
the opening ceremony. Eight is a lucky number in China because it sounds
like the word for good fortune.

Friday November 5, 2004 A dimwitted British burglar put police in the picture
by leaving his photo at the scene of the crime. Jordan Barnes, 20, dropped a
key fob carrying his mug-shot and name, just days after his release from jail.

Thursday November 4, 2004 A French pensioner with a life-long fear of being
buried alive has designed a coffin with a built-in alarm system, water,
food, ventilation and a mini-bar containing ouzo.

Wednesday November 3, 2004 A farmer has used a hen to hatch a chick from a
free-range supermarket egg. Jack Bunn, of West Yorkshire, said the chick,
a rare Oakham Blue, stood out from the flock with its lavender feathers.

Tuesday November 2, 2004 A vulcan bomber plane designed to carry nuclear
bombs in the 1960s is for sale on internet auction site eBay. The plane,
which stands outside a British airport, has a 6000 ($A14,749) reserve.

Monday November 1, 2004 An Indian man was arrested in Mumbai for hiding a
piece of wood in his hair in order to meet the minimum height requirement
of 5 feet 3 inches" (162 centimetres) to join the police force.

Saturday October 30, 2004 A traveller settled a hotel bill in Norway 24
years after skipping town. The hotel received a 500 kroner ($A110) note
and an apology from a sender who did not pay for a room and food in 1980.

Friday October 29, 2004 A Dutch online shop is selling coffee made from
cat droppings for $1.20 a gram. Kopi Luwak is produced by Sumatra's civet
cat. It eats ripe coffee beans, which are then hand-picked from its droppings.

Thursday October 28, 2004 An ex-gangster in Japan in love with a 15-year-old
girl chopped off his little finger and mailed it to her father twice
(it was returned to him the first time) in an unsuccessful bid to prove
his commitment.

Wednesday October 27, 2004 A frustrated husband in central China phoned police
for help after his wife refused to have sex with him for 28 days. Police
declined to assist the man, who drank a bottle of wine before his failed
seduction bid.

Tuesday October 26, 2004 A man, 53, from southern India, can write
simultaneously in English with his left hand and Tamil with his right,
and vice versa. He plans to master writing in five different language
combinations.

Monday October 25, 2004 Rail passengers in Britain were delayed when their
200 km/h express was damaged in a collision... with a chicken. They were
evacuated after the bird damaged a fuel line on the train.

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                   FOOD FIGHT IN TAIWAN'S PARLIAMENT
                             27 October 2004

TAIPEI: A food fight has erupted in Taiwan's parliament as lawmakers,
quarrelling over a massive arms budget, hurled their lunch boxes at each
other.

"You've got no shame!" screamed Chu Fong-chih of the opposition Nationalist
Party, after throwing a take-out box of chicken and rice at Chen Tsung-yi,
a legislator from the ruling Democratic Progressive Party who backed the
special budget.

Chen responded by accusing Chu of sympathising with Taiwan's arch-foe China,
and flung his own lunch box at her.

Taiwan's parliament is notorious for fistfights, with many lawmakers enjoying
the media attention when scuffles break out. Chairs and shoes have also
been known to fly across the chamber on occasion.

Legislators were meeting yesterday to decide if a proposed $T610.8 billion
budget to buy weapons from the United States should be put on the legislative
agenda for Friday.

The budget would pay for six Patriot anti-missile batteries, eight
diesel-electric submarines and 12 submarine-hunting aircraft from the United
States, which would be the biggest arms deal for Taiwan in more than a decade.

The state-funded Central News Agency said the bill was not put on the agenda
in the end - bad news for the ruling party, which is trying to get the budget
approved before parliament closes shop for the year in less than 3 weeks.

The ruling party says the weapons are necessary for defences against China,
which regards Taiwan as a renegade province and threatens to invade if it
declares formal independence.

Lawmakers who objected to the budget say the weapons are overpriced and the
money can be better spent on domestic issues, such as improving education
and social welfare.

   ~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

And some Burbank E News from Hollywood Len

                             DID YOU KNOW!!!

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep
on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ... which we know
today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,
or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by
this practice.

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   This weeks pics are from Trina, UK Smithy, Moonboot, Digi Maria, Gropwo,
   Westerly Woz, Brett Dude, Sir Douglas, Digi Steve, Sister Carol, Gerry -
   the almost Nurse, Dave Allnutts, Little Di, and you know who you are.

Dickhead test Click here

Paragliding (X-rated) Click here

Toons Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Gone to the dogs: Click here

Dumb daffy duck: Click here

Future artist: Click here

Surprise party: Click here

Beats valium Click here

More earthwatch: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Cute candles Click here

Mad shopper Click here

Get in shape Click here

On the nose duet Click here

Anger management Click here

Order yours now Click here

Stunned Click here

Gone with the wind Click here

   ~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

Back to ascii with this burnt offering from Brett Dude

                            WHAT'S IN A NAME

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important
position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search
down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to
pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer
within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying
on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side
facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Australian got the job...

   ~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

More from UK Smithy

                    TOP 10 REASONS TO COME TO WORK NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9.  Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8.  Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7.  People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6.  You want to see if it's like the dream.

5.  To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4.  "I'd love to chip in ... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3.  Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2.  Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1.  Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever
    again.

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Some more stuff from Kirsten the Penny

                             SUNDAY LESSON

The Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service,
the preacher asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven their
enemies"?

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was
past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small
elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your
enemies"?

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you
please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person
can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

That little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches"!

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                       HOME REMEDIES THAT REALLY WORK!

1.	If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2.	Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3.	Avoid arguments with the Missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4.	High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5.	A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6.	If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7.	Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, and then you
will forget about the toothache.

   ~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

  And from Ty

                            LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a
life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give
me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The
monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with
the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk
to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow
said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let
me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty
years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back
and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes
eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

   ~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

Thought for the day:

              "I can only please one person per day.
               Today is not your day.
               Tomorrow doesn't look good either!"

                                     From Smithy of Sherwood Forest

[ End Fri humour ]

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