Friday humour - November 05, 2004

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      And a great collection of pics and flicks from you guys again this week.
      But before we start, another reminder about those dangerous emails we
      occasionally get purporting to come from Banks and so on.  I received
      yet another one this week, and I feel compelled to share it with you all
      (these guys really piss me off - please excuse the French):

   Dear Valued Commonwealth Bank Client,

   Recently there have been a large number of identity theft attempts
   targeting Commonwealth Bank customers. In order to safeguard your account
   we require that you confirm your banking details. This process is

   You may do so by clicking HERE and submitting the required information.

      I wonder how many people click on these things?  With several
      million being circulated at a time, I guess the criminals only
      need a few hundred people to fall for it and their ploy has worked.

      The trick with these things is that the crims send the emails in HTML
      format, which allows the true identity of the click-link to be hidden
      from view.

      So if you DO click on the hidden link, you end up at a forged site
      that's a mirror image of the Commonwealth (or whichever) Bank -
      except that when you enter your banking details, it drops into the
      crim's database.

      I actually tracked down the DOMAIN NAME REGISTRAR (Network Solutions)
      for the above spammer (not too difficult), and I complained to them.
      I received this reply:

   Dear Tony Sanderson,

   On November 1, 1999, a three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for
   the Ninth-Circuit ruled that Network Solutions has no responsibility or
   duty to police the rights of trademark owners concerning domain names.

   If the domain owner in question is conducting criminal activity we would
   ask you to defer to either the police or the proper authorities.


   Network Solutions Customer Support

      In other words - get stuffed.  Or "Yes - we could confiscate this
      domain name and stop the obvious criminal activity, but legally we
      don't have to - so we won't."

      Network Solutions are obviously receiving some of the proceeds of
      these frauds (either directly or indirectly), so I imagine they could
      be successfully prosecuted if only as "accessories after the fact".
      Wouldn't that an interesting exercise for any of the Banks who get
      ripped off ... hmmmm?

      I'm so suspicious of these things now that when Paypal (quite correctly)
      warned me that my credit card had expired, I ignored it.  I'll renew
      that if and when I need to - but I don't like the smell of anything
      like that comes via E-Mail now.

      Anyway - the rule is:  Don't supply credit card or bank account details
      to any web site that you've BEEN SENT TO VIA AN EMAIL.  Even when it
      says it comes from your bank.  It is probably bogus.

      And if you want to be REALLY paranoid, get rid of Microsoft Internet
      Explorer and use Mozilla or Firefox instead - they're much more
      secure.  Get either of them from Mozilla - Click here (Firefox is

      the cut down version - no emailer or news reader)


      And a brief comment re the outcome of the U.S. election from a few of
      our readers - firstly from our Illinois correspondent (Nestor) who's
      definitely "looking for some humour" this week.  Nestor says:

    Well I guess the real joke is on US.

    At least I can say proudly that the State of Illinois soundly voted
    against Dublya - he lost here by a huge margin.

    Let's see ... the other positive spin is that W is now a lame duck
    president, and banners of "Hillary in 08" are starting to appear.



      On the same subject, James Powell sent this one - Click here

      And from Moonboot, we received "Vote for the SANE alternative, not
      some dipstick who fought for his country in Vietnam".  Well, they did!
      Click here

      Anyway, our heartfelt sympathy to all you Democrat voters.  Our Oz
      equivalent also lost badly to a bunch of liars in the recent Federal
      election - and by a bigger margin.

      There is actually one interesting aspect to the U.S. election outcomes,
      though.  It seems to show that Americans don't in fact vote for the
      leader, but rather for the party and its policies.  I mean - there's
      no way that more than half of the Americans who voted could possibly
      want another 4 years of embarrassment around the world from having
      an illiterate, bumbling fool like GWB as President.  Is there?  So they
      must have gone for the policies in spite of the man.

      Okay, to the real humour now - and first up, it's one from the Unix
      fortune program:

                                 OLD TIMERS

An elderly gentleman (mid seventies), very well dressed, hair well groomed,
great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after
shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[ Yeh, yeh - okay, I know ... cruel ]

      And from Rudi "hot glass" Pillig, we just received this (which reminds
      me, there are some from Ken somewhere too - must find those):

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her doctor to ask his help in
reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Just drop it into his coffee, he
won't even taste it.  Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know
how things went."

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid,
just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?  The
effect was almost immediate.  He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle
in his eye, and with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth
flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild,
mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best I've had in 25 years.
But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

      Now over to the UK, and this is from Ian Watson (I presume?)

                            MORE PICK-UP LINES

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that
thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?

       Then, there was this one from Mandy aka the M&M, who writes:
       "A classic in my opinion, given the current sad state of affairs
       in Iraq ..."

                              RAISE YOUR GLASSES

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out
a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are
so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit.

He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to
drink with the same ones twice."

       And again from the UK, one From UK Smithy (as passed on by Davo -
       who adds "Thank Alan for organising a Hard Rock Cafe souvenir pin
       from Nottingham for Stevo!"   Well, okay - thanks, Alan (and when
       do we see this strange object, ste527?)

                            ALL-PURPOSE EXCUSE FORM

  All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've
  gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works
  best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective
  this form can be:


a) Mum,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated


How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni

I was in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should
not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage
that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.

So I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are
perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done if you'd thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.




       Now for some pics - and it's a welcome return to our secret QCAT
       correspondent, even though he's now at The Big Orstralian (BHP) ...

This is what happens on your desktop at night (has sound): Click here

And from our Westerly list, why mouse pointers sometimes disappear: Click here
And ... Oh no, not Drew! Click here

       Moonboot passed these on:
Look carefully and you can get 3-D: Click here
Another parking game: Click here
Alien message: Click here

       This one from Lisa T:
       All passengers aboard QF 747 where lucky to escape injury as their
       Qantas aircraft overshot the run-way on landing.  Faulty brakes are
       believed to be the cause: Click here

       And Eric in his African tree found this game:
Coors on the wall: Click here

       And from recently returned (to these pages) German George who
       isn't German:

More bang for your buck: Click here
Puzzle for blondes #1: Click here
Puzzle for blondes #2: Click here
Bat Woman: Click here
Canadian Hell's Angels: Click here
These children play rough: Click here
Driving For Dummies: Click here
Loose jeans: Click here
Not so Daffy duck: Click here
Sydney road sign: Click here
Here - I fetched it: Click here
Ah - an oasis!  Click here
Shoplifters paradise: Click here
My, what big teeth you have: Click here
Can't Nature read?  Click here
Good vibrations: Click here

        Now it's over to Eric in that tree in Africa for these:

The new Louisiana Quarter: Click here
        And John Sanderson also posted this one in - it's special toilet
paper for those visitors you don't like ... Click here

        This one's from little Lisa Thomas - very politically incorrect:

JC: Click here

        Then there was this really cute collection from Digi Maria:

Hello! Click here
And hello! Click here
Hello too: Click here
Night night ... Click here
Ah, there's my rug: Click here
Who's there? Click here
Ah, warmth! Click here
Me too! Click here
Watch it! Click here
That Sep 11 Pentagon strike: Click here

        Plus a couple from Biggus:

New, safe mouse: Click here
Indoor golf: Click here

        And a few from our Hollywood correspondent, Mr Len:

What in hell were you thinking? Click here
Redneck mailbox: Click here
When we're dancing cheek to cheek ... Click here
You forgot, didn't you!  Click here
Where's the Viagra? Click here

        From Ron, another silly commercial:
Lays: Click here

        And finally, a few from M&M

Wrong order? Click here
Happy Christmas! Click here
Is that a gun?  Click here
Ahhhh ... Click here
Arr - who'll notice? Click here
Don't derail my kid! Click here

        Wasn't going to have any sound bytes this week, but what the heck.
        This is Lane and Faine from back in August, and part of their 11am
        Thursday rave when Sophie Von Trapp, the real great grand-daughter
        of the Captain in "Sound of Music" dropped in for an interview.
        And she really is 16 going on 17 - Click here (Ogg version only)

        although the L&F weren't really sure if she was having them on.
        And the Von Trapp kids are singing again!  Unfortunately, reception
        from ABC FM in Ballarat on that day with an internal antenna was a
        bit scratchy, so it sounds a bit like 8 bit audio in some parts.
        Recorded in the middle of the 2004 Olympics - and as usual,
        recommended for weekend lunchtime listening ...

MP3 (7Mb): Click here - or for the 32Kbps RealBadAudio streaming version, Click here
or for the Ogg (12Mb, but with a response to a scratchy 15KHz) - Click here

      Okay - and it's back to the UK now and another one from Ian McWatson:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have
any milk."

"I know, doctor" she said, "I'm his Grandma ... but I'm glad I came!"

         Plus a couple more from UK Smithy, no less ...


A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

Here's health to your enemies' enemies!

Here's to the women who love me terribly, May they soon improve.

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
The foresight to know where you're going
And the insight to know when you're going too far.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille!

There are many good reasons for drinking
And one just entered my head
If a man can't drink while he's living
How the hell can he drink when he's dead!

May those who love us love us.
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

Here's to living single and drinking double!

Here's to Eve, the Mother of our race,
She wore her fig leaf in the proper place.
Here's to Adam, Father of us all,
He knew just where to be,
When the leaves began to fall . . .

Grant me a sense of humour, Lord,
The saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folk.


                        STRANGE HEAP O STEAMING FACTS

The earth's magnetic field is collapsing.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

If you flip a coin 10 times, the odds of getting all heads or tails is one
in 1,024.

The longest paper-airplane flight on record is 27.6 seconds.

A taste bud has a life-span of 10 days.

1 in 3 American men own an electric nose-hair trimmer.

It would take 288 years to spend a night in every hotel room in Vegas.

Scientists have genetically modified butterflies to have glow-in-the-dark

The speed of the average snail is 691,200 inches per month.

The Statue of Liberty's fingernails weigh about 100 pounds apiece.

The double popsicle-stick was introduced during the Depression, so two
people could share it.

Danny DeVito once studied to be a hairdresser.

Human DNA and jellyfish DNA are 90 percent identical.

The comic book character Aquaman's partner was Aqualad.

If you live in the U.S. and went out in your back yard and dug through the
center of the Earth, you would not come up in China, but in the Indian Ocean,
somewhere near Australia.

Oil from the ground is actually dark green, not black.

Opossums do not play dead. They actually faint.

Uncle Sam did not have a beard until the beginning of the Civil War or so.

        And to finish off, a final contribution from Ian Watson

                  IF ONLY THEY'D HAD O.H. & S. 200 YEARS AGO

  It is almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the
  French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary
  celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River
  Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed on board an RNLI Lifeboat,
  safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's

  How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and
  safety regulations ... ?

"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.  What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook
is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest
it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to
steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We
must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."


"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.  And they
said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.  They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the Fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment
for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas
of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew
up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny!"

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone.  There's a couple of legal aid lawyers
on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put
on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and
the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And now there's a ban on corporal

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."

       Quote of the week (not really) - somehow or other, when I realised
       George Dublya was actually going to win the US election, the following
       quote from an old BBC Goon Show with Bluebottle and Eccles driving an
       old steam train up a steep mountain went through my mind ...

     Bluebottle: "You know, I have always wanted to be an engine driver!"

     Eccles:     "Ooooo oooo and I've always wanted to be the village idiot."

     Bluebottle: "Then we've both succeeded!"

     Eccles:     "Ooooh, mmmmm ... no ... I'm NOT the village idiot.
                  But when he retires, my name's top of the list ..."

       Or click on either of the below to hear the real thing -
Village idiot: MP3 - Click here or the RealBadAudio streaming version - Click here
[ End Friday humour ]

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