Friday humour - October 29, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


        G'day
    I had a great time on the Gold Coast and sometimes wonder why anyone
    chooses to live in Melbourne. The weather in SE Queensland is so boring
    and predictable ... and nice.  But Melbourne is the world's most liveable
    city and has much to be proud of.

    Thanks to the Great Man for keeping FH afloat while I was in the land of
    the white shoe brigade. I only browsed the last few issues a couple of
    days ago and was rivetted by Tony's election review a couple of weeks ago.

    There have been recent complaints from a few odds and sods about some
    of our editorials. You know who you are.

    Well - I have to say this. FH is not easy to produce. It is somewhat a
    labour of love for Tony and me. And we must always thank you for your
    contributions.

    But if you intend to continue to read it, we will not water down our
    editorial comments.  You have alternatives.  Simply ignore our editorials
    and jump to the guts ... or go somewhere else.  As Gilbert and Sullivan
    said "There are a lot of good fish in the sea in the sea in the sea in
    the sea in the sea."

    For those quiet voters who voted Liberal, you may be best advised to jump
    what follows ... or unsubscribe ...

    (Isn't it funny that most Labor voters are proud to say so ...)

    Firstly a great tragedy. What a dreadful thing that The Age was directed
    by its Fairfax board to recommend a Liberal vote.  So completely out
    of step with so many of its editorials over the last three years. The
    owners pulling rank.

    But learn to live with it. When Howard removes cross media ownership
    laws, The Age will probably go to Kerry Packer - Australia's richest man.
    God only knows what he will do to the people's paper.  And it would
    seem that Murdoch will snap up the 10 or 7 TV Network.  As if 70%
    of Australia's press is not already enough.

    May you "Herald Sun" Liberal voters be over the moon that you've finally
    got the entire press on your side!

    Like Tony, I'm gobsmacked as well. I doubt whether even those who "chose"
    to vote Liberal at this time could have imagined the outcome of them
    controlling the Senate.

    And before I go on, I have to criticise a complete Labor "debaticle". In
    Victoria and Tasmania, Labor preferenced Family First ahead of the Greens.
    As one Labor source close to the top has admitted since - this was Labor
    "cutting its own throat". The result is that Labor has aided this dreadful
    result.

    If that's not a good enough reason for all serious voters to vote below
    the line in the Senate, I don't know what is.

    Now to the worst part.  I am ashamed at this election result.  People in
    much less affluent countries used to look to Australia as a friendly icon.
    Now we can only be seen as greedy, self obsessed morons.

    The last campaign was fought on fear of terror and the demonising of
    asylum seekers. All aided by a pack of known lies.  This time, that
    couldn't be done, so the Libs spread a fear campaign about the economy
    and interest rates. It didn't matter that in the Fraser government,
    Howard as Treasurer gave us record interest rates. It didn't matter
    that every financial expert said that Labor wouldn't damage the economy.

    What I'd like to see is some of you Liberal voters - particularly those
    who voted Labor last time - come out and tell us why.  If it wasn't for
    personal greed, then I'm the Duke of Windsor.

    To our international readers I apologise on behalf of the 48% of Aussies
    who have a heart.  And to the 52% who are now wondering why they did
    it, can I say - "Stop telling us to 'get over it'".  It's not going to be
    easy to fix up the mess that will ensue.

    Did you realise that the Libs and Nats can now actually change the voting
    system for the Senate without a referendum?  They can legislate all sorts
    of things to stop minor parties ever having a chance of being elected
    again.  And stupid Labor will probably quietly support this.

    What a tragedy that the Democrats are almost wiped out after 30 years good
    work. I suppose the blessing is Meg Lees losing her (recently independent)
    Senate seat. It just goes to show how much people hated the prospect of
    a GST. In every poll it was rejected - including the GST election where
    the coalition only got 48.5% of the vote - but won government and said it
    had a mandate to introduce it.  And it was stupid Meg who let it through.
    Well - now she's gone ... and unfortunately so it seems are the Democrats.

    The Man of Steel must be smiling all the way to his next morning walk. He's
    such a clever, astute politition and plays the game so well. He will go
    down in history as Australia's second longest serving PM.  And I'm sure
    he will be happy no matter what flak he's subjected to in the future.

    But what I want our FH readers to think about is this:  Is this the sort of
    man we want or need as our national leader?  Many say that all politicians
    lie.  And there is an element of truth in this. But it's a different thing
    to promise something and then revoke your promise.  To lie outright - ie:
    to knowingly distort the truth to try and justify your policies - is
    something else.  I'm afraid that most people in polls seem to say they knew
    Howard was lying ... yet they still voted for him!  So, is lying by the
    Australian Prime Minister now acceptable to the majority of Australians?
    It would seem so.

    And why Labor didn't fight this election on national security remains a
    mystery to me.

    Never mind.  Our Aussie readers have made their choice, and we are now
    _all_ stuck with it ... and as I always say: "you know who you are".

    We can now only hope that our American friends throw out their "God in the
    Whitehouse" next Tuesday.  Any person who ever understood the words of
    Jesus Christ could hope for nothing less.

    It's amazing the lengths simple people will go to to grab the comforts and
    perks of absolute power.  And let me assure you that Howard and Bush _are_
    simple people.  But very astute.  And very dangerous ...


    And now to the jokes (we need 'em).

    (Apologies if any have appeared in Tony's recent efforts.)


 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

  First up from Finance Guru Gary

                     HISTORY OF THE MIDDLE FINGER

Well, now ... here's something I never knew before, and now that I know
it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the
hope that they, too, will feel edified ... Isn't history more fun when you
know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English
Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew"
(or "pluck yew").


                     /"\
                    |\./|
                    |   |
                    |   |
                    |>~<|
                    |   |
                 /'\|   |/'\..
             /~\|   |   |   | \
            |   =[@]=   |   |  \
            |   |   |   |   |   \
            | ~   ~   ~   ~ |`   )
            |                   /
             \                 /
              \               /
               \    _____    /
                |--//''`\--|
                | (( +==)) |
                |--\_|_//--|

               Giving the Finger


Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck
yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the
beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus
the words often used in conjunction with the one fingered salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

And yew thought yew knew everything.


 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

A quickie from M&Ms Mandie

                           GENDER BANDER

Just a thought - you may not know that many non-living things have a gender.

For example...

1   Freezer Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
    right through them.

2   Copiers -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm
    them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
    are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3   Tyres -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4   Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
    to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5   Sponges -- Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6   Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7   Train -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8   Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9   Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
    but it's handy to have around.

10  Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.  But consider
    this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
    doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!!


 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and
looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says
"smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he, s going
to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A
Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,
then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
whilst taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks
up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did
you drink?!!"

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

This arrived from UK Smithie

                            Beer Barons

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says,
"Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The
other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking
a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

The Dave Allnutts selection

                                 GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
   person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
   that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
   the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4, success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


                             THE JOB APPLICATION

A bloke goes into the CES office in Melbourne for a look through the job
vacancies.  Which doesn't take him very long, of course. Then, just as he's
about to give up and go away, he spots something.

"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors.
$500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of
the reference number and fronts up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number
E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."

"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk. "That's a model agency right here in
Melbourne. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply
girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk,
they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that
are showing."

"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of
travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing. And you
have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really
like to apply for the job."

The CES clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a rail
ticket to Ballarat".

"Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke. "Balla-bloody-rat? What do I wanna go to
Ballarat for?"

"Well", says the CES clerk, "that's where the end of the queue is at the
moment."

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


                            RANGI'S STORY.

A Maori bloke called Rangi was driving through Rotorua, when off in the
distance he saw a booze bus. Rangi thinks this is great and heads straight
for it. He pulls up and Rangi winds his window down and says, "Two cans of
Lion Red thanks mate!!"

The copper looks at Rangi and says "You must be drunk! Get out of your old
truck and blow into this bag for me."

Rangi got out of the truck and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a
letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that."

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look says "OK. In these cases we
require you to give a blood sample."

"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doing that either. I've got a letter from the
Red Cross saying I'm a haemophilic and I could bleed to death. Sorry boss,
can't do that" said Rangi.

By now the copper is getting fairly pissed off and finally demands a urine
sample for testing. Rangi looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do
that either."

The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!

"Bloody oath mate" says Rangi. "It's from the government. Called the Treaty
of Waitangi.

Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us Maori."

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


                          PEARL HARBOR VS TITANIC

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter,
he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood
director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was
glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool,
felled by a vicious punch from the Director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director
ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl harbor, you##@!!*#! My dad perished
in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~##!?*! I am Chinese!" "Yeah yeah
yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same",retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from
the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered
a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor. "What
was that for?" exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the Titanic! I
had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied. "You ignorant chink! The
Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the director.

"Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg ... you are all the same!"

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


   This weeks pics come from UK Smithie, Digi Maria, UniLee, Uncle Doug,
   Sister Carol, M&Ms, Guru Gary, Moonboot, Allnutts, Hollywood Len and you
   know who you are ...

Fun with statues Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Lost dog Click here

The day after Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Halloween Click here

Right thong Click here Wrong thong Click here

Be warned Click here

Gotcha Click here Click here

Duh!  Click here

Redneck mailbox Click here

Nature Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Smoking area Click here

Rules of order Click here

Georgie Bush Click here

Voting in Florida Click here

Must have knee pads (sound only) Click here

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

Back to ASCII with more stuff from UK Smithie

                                 WISE WORDS

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple
of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was
probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither
one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our
arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


                         HERE IS THE NEWS ...

WORLD WIDE WEIRD:  Come with us as we go around the world in a daze!

GERMANY
Germany's state-run radio has announced it will begin translating their
broadcasts into Klingon on their Web site.

INDIA
An Indian man is aiming to get into the record books by running a live cobra
through his nose and out of his mouth. He said he has been practicing the
stunt at his home with a harmless garden snake.

ENGLAND
A 33- year-old Lancashire man was crowned World Black Pudding Throwing
Champion in a competition in Ramsbottom. Contestants threw black puddings
(cooked pigs' blood and fat encased in a length of intestine) at a stack
of Yorkshire puddings 20 feet off the ground.

AUSTRALIA
In Sydney, a disgruntled voter hurled a bag of cheese at Prime Minister
John Howard during a campaign speech.

TANZANIA
A member of parliament threatened to place a death curse on all ministers
if the government doesn't do more to fight corruption.

SOUTH AFRICA
The Home Affairs minister announced that the government has no plans to
cancel Christmas after a newspaper ran a story saying a task team was
considering banning the holiday.

INDIA
A man in Kanpur claims he can't survive without eating a kilogram of grass
every day. The man says the grass not only provides him with a lot of
energy, but also gives him the feeling of being close to the environment.(
many people around here can't survive without smoking a kilo of grass a day!)

ENGLAND
The Royal Pigeon Racing Association announced it will begin random drug
tests on racing pigeons after complaints some birds have been given
performance-enhancing drugs such as anabolic steroids.

UNITED STATES
In Bristow, Okla., a man who heard there was a fugitive on the loose stuck
his .22-caliber handgun into the waistband of his shorts with the hammer
pulled back, just in case, and accidentally shot himself in the buttocks.


 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


This from Minnesota Scott

                                   SIGNS

A septic tank truck - "We're number 1 in the number 2 business"

A propane pump - "Tank heaven for little grills"

A gynecologist's door - "Dr. Jones at your cervix"

A plumber's truck - "Don't sleep with a drip. Call a plumber"

A plumber's truck - "We repair what your husband fixed"

An electrician's truck - "Let us fix your shorts"

A Jacksonville highway - "Caution - water on road during rain"

A golf course - "Any person (except players) caught collecting golfballs
on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed"

A car wash - "For the best hand job in town"

A photography studio - "Have the kids shot"

A piano/organ store - "Come in and play with our organs"

A beauty salon - "Curl up and dye"

A motel - "Highly recommeded by owner"

A country store - "We buy junk and sell antiques"

A clothing store - "Men's wool suits - $100 - they won't last an hour"

A jewelry store - "Ears pierced while you wait"

A tatoo shop = "Tatoos while you wait"

A laundry store - "Drop your trousers here"

A hospital delivery room door - "Push Push Push"

A cafe - "Come in and get fed up"

A proctologist's door - "To expedite your visit - please back in"

A car dealer - "Best way to get back on your feet - Miss a payment"

An optometrist's wall - "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place"

A funeral home - "Drive carefully - We'll wait"

A podiatrist's wall - "Time wounds all heels"

 ~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~


Thought of the week:

   Why do men like women with large breasts and little vaginas?

   Because most men have big mouths and little penises!

                                         Passed on by Hollywood Len

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]


 Previous (October 22, 2004)  Index Next (November 05, 2004)