Friday humour - October 22, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         G'day,
    And plenty of good pics sent in by the usual suspects this week!

    Last week's editorial predictably raised the hackles of our Liberal-voting
    readers, but the most interesting comments came from one of our regular
    contributors (Mandy) who mentioned that "Flower Power" is still alive
    and well via the Woodford Folk Festival (Qld) and the Falls Festival (Vic).

    If you're interested in going, just check out their web pages and get
    yourself involved ...  Woodford (Qld): Click here and Falls (Vic): Click here
    Both festivals sound really great, so get into it now.  Maybe all is not
    completely lost?  See you there ...

    Okay, onto the humour - and first up, one from M&M.  Mandy somehow
    got the impression (from last week's editorial) that I was less than
    impressed with the Liberals getting control of both houses here in Oz,
    and she passed this one on:
                             -------------------

              AUSTRALIA'S NATIONAL ANTHEM AS OF 10 OCTOBER 2004

       Australians all let us rejoice,
       For we have tasted greed;
       Our interest rates mean more to us,
       Than mere humanity;
       Our land abounds with credit cards
       And John Howard took us there;
       Don't stop to count as your debts mount, Advance Australia fair!
       Don't stop to count as your debts mount, "Advance Australia fair!"

       While refugees from terror sail'd,
       To trace wide oceans o'er,
       To Iraq with Little John we went,
       To start a bloody war.
       The sick, the old have all been sold,
       Our children's future care;
       They're all worth nowt, so rise and shout, Advance Australia fair!
       They're all worth nowt, so rise and shout, "Advance Australia fair!"
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     Next, a couple from John the K over at CUB (which reminds me - must
     get some dextrose for my next batch of home brew stout tonight :-)
                             -------------------

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You
don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table
and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,
'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to
make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

                              ----====####====----

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got
along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw
that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to
learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the
local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodelling his kitchen and in fact had done
much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of
kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for
him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like
to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first
place.''
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        Now to the UK and this one from Maddus Mickus of Marwick:
                             -------------------

                             THE MOST COMMON OWL

What is the most common owl in your country?
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Is it a Barn Owl?
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Is it a Tawny Owl?
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Is it a little owl?
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Is it a Snowy Owl?
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The answer is Teat ...
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Wait for it ...
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Got it ... ?
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Yes, it is a teat owl!

Oh Lord I wish I hadn't said that.  Back to the wasking up.
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       Now, just before the pics and things - this ultra-short one liner
       from my unix email-sig generator.  Ready?

     Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      A few pics and movies and sound bytes now - first up, one from Dermot
      who writes:
      "A friend of mine is looking for a good home for a puppy she found
      in a park here in Dublin.  He (it's a boy) has had a troubled past,
      but with a bit of care and someone to spoil him, he should be the best
      pet ever!  Pic attached in case you know anyone who's interested ..."

Free puppy for sale: Click here
                             -------------------

      Another new contributer, Qing (friend of daughter Rosie) writes:
      "Ro showed me your Friday humour site and I absolutely love it.  I
      found this site that has some great humour. Hope you like it ..."
      It's a more comprehensive version of the Beer Lover's Code of Conduct:

Updated: THE code: Click here
                             -------------------

      This next lot were passed on by Muse over in Canada:

Wanna be a diamond? If so ...  Click here
If not ... try the ascent ... Click here

(Well, You ashed for it)
                             -------------------

      And re cats, this collection re ...  Why Cats Hate Us:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Okay - just don't even think about it ... Click here
                             -------------------


      And here's a bumper collection sent in for your amusement by my
      namesake, John Sanderson:

Ahhhhhhh ... Click here
Can't get you ... Click here
The Bishops: Click here
The cinema: Click here
One cool girl: Click here
Nice fruit: Click here
Bear head: Click here
Lazy: Click here
Arrrrrrh ... Click here
                             -------------------

     Can't have a week without a couple from Biggus, can we, Lee?

T-H-I-S big: Click here
Quality time: Click here
                             -------------------

     This one from John Cook was produced for Suicide Prevention Week:

Don't jump! Click here
                             -------------------

     And from Digi Steve, another one of "those" Olympics events, but this
     time, it's a movie.  Big in more ways than one ... X-rated ... may take
     a minute or two to load:

Those Olympics again ... Click here
                             -------------------

     From Hollywood Len (who just did a video clip), we just received ...
A nice tattoo: Click here
                             -------------------

     Mandy the M&M sent these ...

Eye chart: Click here
African grasslands crossing Click here
Ooops ... Click here
The horrible truth: Click here
Picking a card: Click here
I hit a dog: Click here
The perfect model: Click here
                             -------------------

     And Digi Maria sent these ...

What have you eaten? Click here
Tragic toons: Click here Click here Click here Click here
                             -------------------

     After a long absence, German George resurfaced this week - with a
     nice large collection, too:

Hmmmm - next idea: Click here
Bottoms up: Click here
Don't argue: Click here
Soak zone: Click here
Parking the limo: Click here
Which is it? Click here
Lucky guy! Click here
New monorail: Click here
Oh dear: Click here
For prompt attention: Click here
Another illusion: Click here
Mmmmm - nice ... Click here
Give us a call: Click here
Ah, here it is! Click here
                             -------------------

    Brett found this one.  And Animal Lovers beware - it's a movie of a poor
    kangaroo getting thorougly clobbered by a car.  Technically interesting
    perhaps, but not at all humorous:

Kangaboom: Click here

    Only one sound byte this week.  Once again, it's the sort of thing
    that you really need to listen to at home with your feet up.  It's an
    interview with the ex-BBC Director-General Greg Dyke, forced to resign
    in March 2004 by Tony Blair and the UK Goverment over the BBC's reporting
    of the Iraq War.  But quite apart from that, it's a fascinating insight
    into the reshaping of the BBC under Greg Dyke's leadership over the
    past 20 years.  Listen to the ABC's "RealBadAudio" version here (look
    for Sunday 17 October 2004):

From ABC pages: Click here
    or if that's gone by the time you read this, there's a bluehaze MP3 copy:
Bluehaze copy (MP3): Click here
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      Okay - back over to CUB and bottling line B1 for three more from
      John the K:
                             -------------------


Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left
on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box
until it could be analyzed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then,
very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO
NOT TOUCH!

                              ----====####====----

Q. What goes: peck - peck - peck - bang?
A. A chicken in a minefield.

                              ----====####====----

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned
about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we
aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything,
just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her,
and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that
her mother died too."
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      Over to Digi Maria now for this collection of six as passed on
      over the last week or so ...
                             -------------------


                              DOMINATE YOUR MATE


Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men
that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with
St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

                              ----====####====----


                                 TWO YOUNG BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the
older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They are for him.
He's my brother.  He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either."

                              ----====####====----


                              DON'T BITE YOUR NAILS!

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells
her it'll make her fat.

"I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.

Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.

"If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?"

"You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.

They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady.

The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly.

The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and
finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you
know me?"

And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."

                              ----====####====----


                                 DIFFERENCE!

What's the difference between women at the ages 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?

8  - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

                              ----====####====----


                        THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

                              ----====####====----


                             DEFINITION  OF A BBQ

It's  the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to
do the  BBQ the following chain of event are put Into motion:

1)  The  woman buys the food.

2)  The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3)  The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
    the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who
    is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4)  The man places the meat on the grill.

5)  The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6)  The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.  He thanks
    her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the
    situation.

7)  The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8)  The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes,
    sauces and brings them to the table.

9)  After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
    her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
    women!
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       Over to Africa now and another contribution from Eric the tree
       dweller - more one liners (mostly new for FH):
                             -------------------


*  How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

*  How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

*  How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

*  What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

*  What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

*  What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

*  What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

*  What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..

*  What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

*  What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

*  What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

*  What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast
   Beef.

*  Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

*  Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

*  Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

*  What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

*  Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt
   Buckle On Their Hat.

*  What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?  A Bad
   Golfer goes ... Whack, Dang!  A Bad Skydiver Goes... Dang! Whack.
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            And then there was this little one from Biggus ...
                             -------------------


                               BLONDE ON A DIET

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.  He tells her, "I
want you to eat regularly for two  days, then skip a day, and repeat the
procedure for two weeks. The next time I  see you, you'll have lost at least
five pounds."

When the Blonde  returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.  "Why, that's amazing!"
the doctor  says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Blonde nods and answers,  "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor.

"No", replied the  Blonde, "From skipping".
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        Over to the old West now (as in - across the Oz Nullabor plain)
        for a few more one-liners:
                             -------------------

* Two blondes walk into a building - you'd think at least one of them would
  have seen it.

* Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one
  says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

* "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
  a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

* A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
  places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
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        And lastly of awlly for this week, one from Mr Digi Steve:
                             -------------------


                        ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm.  In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a bit. After
fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said "Mum, how many
kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,

Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is
like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only."
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[ End Friday humour ]


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