Friday humour - October 15, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Groan,
    First up, a bit of an editorial re the recent Oz 2004 Federal election.
    I'm just gobsmacked!  Not only have the conservatives here in Oz been
    re-elected with an increased majority, it also looks as though they'll
    now have control of both houses.  Which means they can now push through
    all legislation from the past 8 years which the Senate had blocked PLUS
    any other legislation they feel like introducing.  Heavy groan.

    So the remaining 50.1 % of our last highly profitable publically owned
    enterprise, Telstra, will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.  They
    ought to get around $30 billion - but of course, it brings in around
    $5 billion a year, and that source of revenue will be cut off forever.

    With future movements on the stock market, who knows which Asian or
    Middle Eastern country will thus own our major comms carrier 20 years
    down the track.  Any guesses?

    Not to mention Telstra being one of the country's largest employers of
    Australian engineers and other professionals - which will evaporate a
    few years soon after the sale, exactly as happened when our Government
    owned Electrical authorities were sold off a short while ago.  And as
    for services in less profitable areas (eg: the bush) - well, forget it.

    Most of you out there voted for them, or put them up nice and high on
    your preferences.  In both Houses, no less.  So most of you obviously
    want Telstra sold.

    And it also seems that most of you weren't satisfied with the raft
    of workplace reforms that the Liberals have already managed to squeeze
    through the Senate in the past 8 years.  So now the Arbitration Commission
    will probably go, minimum awards (at least for casuals) will be scrapped,
    unfair dismissal laws will go, and unions will no longer have the right
    to enter a workplace if the company doesn't feel like it - to mention
    just 4 items on their agenda.

    And the majority of Australians also wanted university fees to continue
    spiralling upward without limit as higher education and research funding
    levels continue to drop in real terms.  Not to mention the boat-people
    rotting behind razor wire, our unwarranted interference in Iraq for
    the sake of oil, our pathetic GST system that Howard promised we would
    "Never, Ever have", our remaining old-growth forests that will now
    continue to be carved up by greedy timber mills, and that pathetic
    "Free Trade Agreement" which is also likely to be our undoing.

    I heard a number of Liberal voters expressing great satisfaction with the
    outcome.  A common theme was that this was "A sweet victory".

    Well, congratulations to all you Liberal voters out there!  You lapped
    up Howard's line on who could best run the economy and maintain low
    interest rates and best ensure our security.  It's rubbish, of course -
    but you lapped it all up nonetheless.

    Another really black aspect of this election for Victorians, of course,
    was seeing our once great broadsheet, "The Age", coming out with an
    editorial that actually recommended to its readers that they ought to
    vote the conservatives back in.  It seems that the general consensus in
    at "The Age" was in fact that the paper ought to recommend a change in
    Government.  But a directive from the Fairfax board instructed outgoing
    editor Gawenda to override this "... for commercial reasons ..."!
    Here's the article - Click here and a letters summary - Click here
    (latter really heats up towards the bottom).

    So obviously we can't even now assume that editorial opinion from The
    Age comes from the editors - but rather from the owners.  Just like
    News Limited (the only other major media force in Oz).

    These "commercial reasons" apparently revolve around Howard's announced
    intention to de-legislate our existing media-ownership rules.  And hey,
    guys - just one guess as to which political party ALL major media outlets
    in Oz ended up backing for our 2004 election?

    As one well known media lecturer commented: "It's hard to work out why a
    Government of ANY persuasion could possibly want to change the existing
    legislation in such a way that we're guaranteed to end up with even
    less diversity in our media."  Well, yes, it's hard to imagine - but
    there's no longer any chance that our Senate can stop them from doing it.
    And this re-elected Liberal government can do lots of other things they
    haven't even told us about yet.  The "checks and balances" are now gone.

    None of the aforementioned matters are of any significant concern to
    the majority of you in Oz though, are they?  So let's have a big round
    of applause for Australia's moronic, stupid majority.

    All we can really do now is strap ourselves in for the ride, and wait
    to see what damage the next 3 years brings.

    And keep the humour coming, of course - as with this first contribution
    from UK Ian Watson:
                            -------------------------

                               FANCY DRESS

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to
see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his
chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"

And the guy says, "I'm green with envy.

The host replies, "Brilliant!  Come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see
a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her
most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, >what emotion have you come as?"

And she replies, "I'm tickled pink".

The host says, "Love it!  Come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host
opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, stark naked, one with
his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a
pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could
get arrested for standing like that out there in the street.  What emotion is
this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Well, I 'm f*cking discustard, and my friend here has just
come in dispair!"
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     It's a while since we plagiarised the rec.humour.funny archives, so
     here goes.  Some of these are quite old (as in early 1980s), but we
     haven't run them before, so enjoy:
                            -------------------------

Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend 15 years in
solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow
each to take with him whatever he wants.

The Italian says, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The judge reluctantly
agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and heads off to solitary.

The Jew says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees, and
off goes the Jew with his telephone.

The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons
for a few minutes. He then announces, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of
cigarettes with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his
cigarettes.

After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with
his wife and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad...."

The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a
successful business by telephone.

The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, "Anybody got a
match?"
                            -------------------------


      And from their "nasty, offensive, and politically incorrect" section,
      I grabbed this quick selection:
                            -------------------------

                              PREGNANT UNWED WOMAN

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3
months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the
way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

                              ----====####====----

                              THIS BAG IS NOT A TOY

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the
arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said,
"You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I
expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John
throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam
put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's
down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John,
kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put
the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."
Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The
surgery went fine. He suffocated in that plastic bag."

                              ----====####====----

                         THE JOKE THAT MADE RHF INFAMOUS

[Ed: This is it! The big joke that got rec.humor.funny splattered on the front
pages of major newspapers and banned at the University of Waterloo and
Stanford!]

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress
came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was
heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

"Jewish Ventriloquist Found Murdered In Blind Alley."

                              ----====####====----

                     SNAPPY ANSWERS TO UPTIGHT PROFESSORS

Early morning Physics class filled with slightly dazed freshmen. Eager beaver
post-doc teaching the class asks "The wavelength of the Sodium yellow line.
What is it? You there!"

Fortunately he has his eagle eye on the guy next to me, who mutters: oh shit,
and replies "A hundred and one?"

"Hah!" says the postdoc "A hundred and one what?"

"Um, a hundred and one, point two?"

                              ----====####====----

                     THE SCOTSMAN AND THE TICKET COLLECTOR

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five
miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector.

Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: "You've
been on for five miles - that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."

The Scotsman responds: "I ha'not, I want a, ha'penny fare, just got on this
vera moment." They begin to argue, and the ticket collector become more and
more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs
the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus.

It lands in the river and sinks without a trace. The Scotsman stands shocked
for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ya trin' to
overcharge me for the ticket, but now you're gone a drowned me boy Jonny."

                              ----====####====----

                                 BECAUSE HE CAN

Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the
road licking his prick.

"I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay.

To which the other replied, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And just before the pics for this week - back over to the old UK
       and this one from Mad Mick, Esq of Railway Siding, East Cheam:
                            -------------------------

                                NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M U M M Y'S  W O R T

Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration,
and credit limit of spending spree.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      To the pics - and I'd better start by explaining about those GIFs from
      the week before last.  People keep asking me for the rest of them.
      For example (via Ian): "I have just been catching up on Friday Humour
      of 1/10/2004. I demand to see the missing 6 images in the the pictures
      section :-)" This was that group called "10 ways to hypnotise a man".

      Well, I cannot tell a lie - there were only ever 4 of them.  I was
      just kidding (yep, I'm just mean :-).

      Okay, first up, a nice big collection from our newest recipient
      and contributer, Gropwo (who'll be away for a few weeks, so he sent
      over lots):

Classic T-Shirts: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 This next group of pics were part of a nation-wide advertisment for a new
 soccer coach.  With the game falling into disrepute in Oz, times are
 getting tough lately.  But would you coach this team? (slightly risque):

Coach urgently wanted: Click here Click here Click here

 Various:

Garfield: Click here
Friends: Click here
Pussy envy: Click here
Can't bear it: Click here
Bad day: Click here
Favourite lollies: Click here
Quote for the day: Click here
Up yours: Click here
Took too long: Click here
Kung Foot: Click here

 You may need to move your eyes around the screen for these illusions.
 As in - are they moving, or are they not?

More illusions: Click here Click here Click here
                            -------------------------

      Our Hollywood correspondent, Len, posted over a similarly large
      collection this week:

Busy girl! Click here
Another clever number plate: Click here
Redneck's BBQ: Click here
Redneck's dog: Click here
Sydney police: Click here
Missed out: Click here
This redneck girl needs a paper bag somewhere: Click here

   Next, another Olympics competition - although this one's usually not
   available on TV for some reason or other ... (it's somewhat risque):

Archery: Click here
Equestrian: Click here
Gymnastics: Click here

   This next one's not funny at all, but the interesting thing is that
   the guy apparently survived ... just:

Black spot video: Click here
Costume of the year: Click here
                            -------------------------

   And here are a couple just passed on by Rowan Davidson:

Try your skill with this parking game: Click here
Don't tease big cats: Click here
                            -------------------------

   We also had a couple passed on by Mandy the M&M:

Roanoke Times clipping: Click here
Lion stalking giraffe: Click here
                            -------------------------

   From a friend of mine in at the ABC, here's a pic of a Hi-Fi amplifier
   built by a guy who still insists that valves (tubes) are still King:

Valves rule!  Click here
                            -------------------------

   And from John Sanderson, here's yet another European TV ad:
Nice condoms: Click here
                            -------------------------

   Lisa T sent in this recent list of names and their true meanings:

Peoples names and their true meanings: Click here
                            -------------------------

   This one just arrived from Biggus - it may help our US readers decide
   who to vote for shortly ...

George Doublya: Click here
                            -------------------------


   Lastly but not leastly, Rosalie came across this link for the Ig Nobel
   awards, just recently been updated for 2004 - and Ros's comment ...
   "I particularly like the ENGINEERING and PSYCHOLOGY winners:

Ig Nobel awards for 2004: Click here

    Ros also recommends that you check out this recent job advertisement
    on MyCareer.com.au:

MATTER OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE LOCATION: Australia DATE: 06/10/2004 Click here
or if that link's been taken down, use this archived version: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the ASCII stuff to finish off, and one from John over at
       the froth and bubble factory - it's a repeat (from March 2002)
       but a classic nonetheless, so why not:
                            -------------------------

                  HOME HINTS - 20th CENTURY vs 21st CENTURY

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
                               -----------
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
                               -----------
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery.  They'll even decorate it for you.
                               -----------
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.  Please
recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.
                               -----------
Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery?  Never heard of the stuff.
                               -----------
Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust and so I don't do it.
                               -----------
Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on
your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache any more, it is because you are now BLIND!
                               -----------
Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.
                               -----------

And finally - the most important tip:

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that left-over wine.  Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Left-over wine ...??
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     I thought we'd already had this next one (from Digi Steve), but I
     can't find it in the archives, so here we go:
                            -------------------------

                             PRIVATE HEALTH INSURANCE

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she
wanted to see absolutely everything.

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
w*nking.

"Oh my!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your Majesty, but this man
has a very serious medical condition and is only following Doctors orders.

His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until
we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to
do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will
explode, and he would die instantly.

"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a bl*w-job.

"Oh my goodness!" said the Queen, "What on earth is happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's got private medical cover".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      We've had this before too, but in the past cupla weeks, John Cook
      and Mike Horne have both passed it on - so what the heck.  It's
      a classic anyway ...
                            -------------------------

              THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
   I'd hate to look a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And finally - one more from John Cook over at DET.  I've combined
       this one with Wayne's original as posted back in 1998 to create a
       a somewhat larger version:
                            -------------------------

                                     WHY ????

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the
Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it
a hostage situation?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

When you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why isn't 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What's another word for synonym?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

How come if you cut the ends off of a string, the string still has two ends?
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[ End Friday humour ]



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