Friday humour - October 08, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          G'day,
    Well, this time next week we in Australia will know our political fate
    for the next 3-4 years.  It looks like the conservatives will be comfortably
    re-elected if Centerbet is anything to go on - they have the rodent at
    $1.20 and Biffo at $4.00 now (last week it was $1.40 and $2.70).

    We call the Oz voting system "preferential voting".  It's also used
    in Ireland, parts of the UK and in a few US States (where they call
    it IRV - Instant Runoff Voting).  Essentially what it means is that
    you can often safely vote #1 for a candidate who has no hope of winning
    because (unless one candidate gets 50% + 1 votes on the first count),
    the lowest polling candidate is eliminated and all preferences from his
    ballot papers are incremented by one and recounted.  The nice thing
    about such a system is that it makes it feasible for small political
    parties to get started relatively easily - and to wield considerable
    power during the election via their preferences.

    Anyway, enough of that - to the humour.  The pics were a bit thin on
    the ground this week - or maybe it's just that we've been a bit spoilt
    over the past few months?  First up, it's a quick one from pommy Ian
    (it's a bit lewd and lascivious, as Terry Lane would put it :-):
                            ------------------------


Elton, Kylie and Robbie went for a night on the town.  As they left the
nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of
the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage of the situation, and he proceeded to
yank up her skirt and give her a good rear-ender.

"Your turn now, Elton" grinned Robbie.

But Elton started crying.

Robbie asked "Why are you crying Elton?  What's wrong?"

Elton sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!"
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       Next up, this one from Biggus (aka Lee's fav, David McCallum):
                            ------------------------

                               HOUSEKEEPING TIPS

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door
   from the inside.

2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go.

3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the
   vacuum cleaner.

7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
   start all over again.

8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

11. Simplify... hire a maid.

12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my
    head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

14. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
    thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that
    the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What?
    And spoil the mood?"

15. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

16. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
    coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter
    her ashes..."
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         Over to that tree in Africa now and this one from Eric:
                            ------------------------

                                     WOMAN

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be
a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the
night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course, the rest is history.
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        Another collection from Biggus now - and although we have had
        the first one once before, I'm sure many will appreciate it ...
                            ------------------------

                            THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are,
so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a
soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in
senior management".

                           ----====####====----

                                FINAL EXAM

A blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration,
takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the
answer sheet:  Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still
sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing
the coin, muttering and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and
asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

                           ----====####====----

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
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              Over to Hollywood now, and another one from Len:
                            ------------------------

                   HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 25 LANGUAGES

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag  Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
and parts of Florida

Great arse ... get in the truck.
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        Okay, here's this week's pics and things.  First up, from Len:

Democrat's candidate: Click here
                            ------------------------

        And from our Lee over at Melb Uni:

Positive thinking: Click here
                            ------------------------

        Gropwo sent over this collection entitled "If Iraq wins":

The Iraq way: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
                            ------------------------

        And from M&M, this one:

My garage: Click here
                            ------------------------

        Digi Maria sent this one across - subtitled "He was winning
        until the crowd started yelling out his name ..."

Kim!! Click here
                            ------------------------

	From a work Forum, here's a scary URL - check out these statistics:

And the current numbers are: Click here
                            ------------------------

       Okay - a couple of sound bytes for that weekend listening.
       The first one's a bit disturbing and quite thought provoking -
       all to do with an apparent increase in male infertility.
       "We're starting to see a precipitous decline in fertility and
       if that continues over the next 10, 20, 50 years, it will be
       impossible for men to reproduce naturally."

       Go to the ABC web site - Click here - and look for Sick Sperm Syndrome.

       Or if its gone by the time you see this in the bluehaze FH archive,
       click on this MP3 copy:

A worrying spurt in male infertility: Click here

       And finally, another ancient sound byte from the days of the wireless
       here in Oz, as passed on by Geoff down in Clarmont in Tasmania.
       It's another segment from the King of quiz radio in Australia in
       the 1950s, Jack Davey, with his Friday night Ampol show.  This was
       the night Jack discovered that one of his contestants was a police
       detective who'd once raided one of his illegal card games ... and
       Jack was less than impressed!  (He got him in "Yes-No" though :-)

Jack Davey's Ampol show - The Detective (a classic): Click here
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          Back over to the UK now and this quickie from Brian McNicol:
                            ------------------------

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
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                       And from CUB and John K, we have ...
                            ------------------------

                          A LETTER TO THE MANUFACTURER


To: Tech Support
From: A.J. Axline
Subject: Minor Difficulties with Product

Sir(s):

I recently purchased one of your products, the Super-Blitz Wow! 802.11g
wireless router, and wanted to share my customer experience with you in
the hopes that you may be able to use some of this information to improve
your products and services.

My customer experience with your product really began with the packaging.
Please pass along my compliments to your packaging department, both on
the efficiency of the vacuum sealer they are currently using, and on the
indestructible nature of the hard plastic shell that the router is
encased in. The durability of this material is beyond amazing... does
NASA know that this material exists? Mere household scissors were no
match at all; they broke into two pieces in a matter of minutes. The
blade in my utility knife snapped off and nearly embedded itself into my
left retinal wall. In fact, your miracle packaging proved to be
absolutely impervious to blades, fire, acid, and obscene profanity.

I was eventually able to get the package open using my wife's wedding
ring clamped in an electric drill. I was pleased that I had the drill,
for by this time my hands were so bloodied and torn that I was quite
incapable of gripping a cordless screwdriver.

I must admit, I had some concerns upon extracting the wireless router
from its overzealous packaging. Specifically, I was worried by the fact
that the router was ten times lighter in weight than the packaging
itself. However, I was reassured by the large, purple and yellow
lightning bolt decals that you have stuck to the sides of your product.
Surely, such a symbol of power was evidence enough that I was about to
become the beneficiary of a superior wireless experience.

I'm smiling as I read the above paragraph, because I like to think back
to that warm glow of optimism. It is this reminiscence alone (that, and
the state of my hands) that is keeping me from catching a flight to your
home country, finding your offices, and killing every last one of you.

This brings me to the support documentation that's included with your
product. I don't want to talk too much on this subject, because doing so
causes a vein to throb in my forehead and dark spots to dance in front of
my eyes. Perhaps I could best illustrate my concerns by reproducing, in
its entirety, the content from the "Troubleshooting" section of the user
manual.

TROUBLESHOOTINGS

PLEASE TO MAKE SURE PLUGGED IN IS THE ROUTER

I am sure that, at the time, it must have seemed like a good idea to have
your technical documentation written by Yoda. However, and this is just a
third-party observation, you may want to consider that your documentation
lacks clarity, depth, basic standards of grammar and    punctuation, and
any information that might prove useful in the configuration of a
wireless router.

Just so that you don't think I'm nitpicking (not that I could pick nits
with the heavy gauze wrapped around my fingers; see paragraphs #2 and #3
of this Email for a clarification), here is another instance of a small
problem with the content found in the user manual:

CAUTION

   ~CAREFUL OF AC ADAPTER WHEN PLUGGED IN FOR CAN GROW HOT!~

After running this colourful warning through my decoder ring, I decided
it meant that I should be mindful of the fact that, if I ever needed to
handle the power adaptor, it may be warm to the touch.

This was not the case. Not the case at all.

Again, for the benefit of your future customers, of which I will not be
one, I have taken the liberty of rewriting the warning quoted above. You
may want to include this in all future documentation accompanying this
product, until you are banned from importing your merchandise into any
civilised country in the world.

WARNING:
THE AC ADAPTOR INCLUDED WITH THIS NON-FUNCTIONING WIRELESS ROUTER WILL,
AFTER EXTENDED PERIODS OF USE, ACHIEVE TEMPERATURES THAT TODAY'S
SCIENTISTS ARE UNABLE TO REPRODUCE IN STATE OF THE ART LABORATORIES. IF
UNCHECKED, THE POWER ADAPTOR WILL EITHER IGNITE OUR ATMOSPHERIC OXYGEN,
THEREBY ENGULFING ALL LIFE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH IN A CONFLAGRATION OF
EPIC PROPORTIONS, OR WILL MELT THROUGH THE EARTH'S CRUST AND BURROW DEEP
ENOUGH TO UNLEASH THE CATACLYSMIC PRESSURES FOUND AT THE CORE OF  THE
PLANET, SHATTERING THE EARTH LIKE A CRYSTAL PINATA AT A SOPRANO FIESTA.

In point of fact, the only way that this product could have been made
more unsafe is if you had bundled it with some free asbestos chewing gum
with a radioactive iodine liquid centre. When I did manage to get the
router to produce a wireless signal, my monitor exploded, two of my
dental fillings cracked apart, my dog involuntarily gushed two pints of
urine into my carpet, and in the distance I could hear the sound of a
jackal giving birth to the Antichrist.

I hope that this Email will serve to help you and your company reach your
goals of performance excellence. And, although I am certain that you
would have refused to refund my money anyway, as it turns out, there were
several countries interested in purchasing this technology after I showed
off its destructive potential. To this end, I now have a "brand-name"
wireless router that is working perfectly, and several million dollars of
hard, North Korean currency in the bank. Thank you for your time, and
keep a watchful eye on your dog.
Warm regards,
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       And finally for this week - one more dose of cat humour, as
       passed on by Maria Softing:
                            ------------------------

                               CAT HAIKU POETRY

The food in my bowl
Is old, and - more to the point -
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service,  none.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.
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[ End Friday humour ]


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