Friday humour - October 01, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          G'day,
     Well, Davo's just taken off for a 3 week break - he'll be heading
     up to sunny Queensland again tomorrow to enjoy the sun and surf and
     who knows what else.

     Hopefully, our CSIRO recipients will get the posting this week.  They
     missed out last week (the CSIRO mail system dumped it - reason unknown).
     Not a major problem, perhaps - except for the fact that (as a sender)
     I received no notification that it had happened.  Not good.

     Only other bit of housekeeping this week is this link from Woz, the
     administrator of our Westerly sister list, who notes re the "Home
     computers of the future" last week, that "As Chris correctly deduced,
     the pic was a hoax" - Click here

     First up this week, this one from growpo (a recent addition to the
     list) who writes:  "I would like to thank you and all the contributors
     for their humour and feel it is time for payback ..."  Here goes:
                         -------------------------


          THOUGHTFUL SUGGESTIONS FOR OUT OF OFFICE AUTO REPLIES

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get
the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so
that I may be promoted to management.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until
I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be
deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to
deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' -
(The beauty of this one is that when I return, I can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
[You can actually count how many times they fall for this]

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my
response.

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me
any messages.

I've run away to join a different circus.

   AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST ...

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I
return, please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'John'.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And over to CUB and John Klimek for this little trio
                         -------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

                            ----====####====----

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a
very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety!!!

                            ----====####====----

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he
spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was
waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.  The
mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on
the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in
new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one.  So how come
I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic
"Try doing it while it's running!"
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


   To the pics - and from gropwo we received this collection in the last
   week or so ...

Interesting shots taken from the USS HONOLULU (Los Angeles-class fast
attack submarine) at the Arctic Circle, 280 miles from the North Pole:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Strangers on my flight: Click here
Nice IC: Click here
Australia's longest cyclone: Click here
                         -------------------------

   And from Digi Steve ... who'd want the window seat after seeing this?
Great view: Click here
                         -------------------------

   Eric came down out of his tree in Africa just long enough to grab
   this new footage showing "10 ways to hypnotise a man" (bit X-rated):
Method #1: Click here Method #2: Click here Method #3: Click here
Method #4: Click here
   (Hmmm ... actually ... now that I actually look at these, maybe 4 of them
is quite enough)
                         -------------------------

   Brett came across this one - not at all funny (esp for the girl),
   but a salutary tale for any bike riding passengers ...

Dumping your girlfriend: Click here
The after-damage (ouch): Click here
                         -------------------------

   And Davo passed these two over from Allnuts at Highett:

News report from Iraq: Click here
What will I be when I grow up?  Click here
                         -------------------------

   David Finn came across this and thought you may just be interested:
Wall test: Click here
                         -------------------------

   And this one just waddled in from Digi Maria:
Take that! Click here
                         -------------------------

   Trevor (ex RAU) seems to have found a nice job working in a backpacking
   business over in Africa - and he just passed this link on (is Peanut
   Joe living in the US now?):
Cascadians Unite!  Click here
                         -------------------------

   Finally, from Shorty - see how often you can bop our PM, Honest John:
Bop John: Click here
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Back to ASCII and from Digi Maria, it's another variation on the
     old cat and dog war:
                         -------------------------

                    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

7:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY  FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY!  A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
12:30 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm -  OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY  FAVOURITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
7:00 pm - OH BOY!  PLAYING BALL! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MASTER'S BED! MY  FAVOURITE!


                    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY  DIARY

DAY 183 OF MY  CAPTIVITY

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.  Pricks. The
only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while they
were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next
time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these Vile bastards, I again
induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair.

Note - to - self: I think I'll try crapping under their bed, too.  Wonder how
long it'll take them to find it?

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of
what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Damn! Not working
according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"ellergeez". Must learn what the Hell this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.  The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.  He is obviously a
bloody half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.  Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved.

But I can wait; it's only a matter of time...little bastard.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And from our Hollywood Len over in the dream factory, this one ...
                         -------------------------


                                 LUCKY RABBI?

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to
his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is
moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No-one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "if
the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his
wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi
will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college educations of his children!!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi
stays, I'll give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say
that?"

Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
"Screw the Rabbi."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And to finish off for another week, a couple more from growpo:
                         -------------------------

                               MORE OXYMORONS

     * Resident alien
     * Airline food
     * Same difference
     * Government organization
     * Sanitary landfill
     * Alone together
     * Business ethics
     * Sweet sorrow
     * Military intelligence
     * Plastic glasses
     * Terribly pleased
     * Definite Maybe
     * Pretty Ugly
     * Computer Security
     * Political science
     * Diet ice cream
     * Working vacation
     * Exact estimate
     * Microsoft Works

                            ----====####====----


                             SHOTS FROM THE LIP

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times the
memory.

If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


                               STOP PRESS

    Sue and Malcolm (who just emailed to advise of their new email address -
    they've gone over to ADSL) included this bit of news with their post:
                              -------------------

Remember to vote earlier and often.

Today's odds from Centerbet: The Rodent: $1.40; Biffo: $2.70; Watermelon: $?
                              -------------------

    Hmmmm.  I seem to remember that betting rings are one of the most accurate
    indicators of election outcomes.  So that would tend to indicate that
    Honest John and Co are going to romp it in again.

    My comment?  Get (Optus) cable if you can.  ADSL is much slower, and it
    also causes bulk radio interference in the AM broadcast band!
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[ End Friday humour ]

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