Friday humour - September 24, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         And g'day,
     Onto your great humour (and other) contributions in a tick, but one
     important bit of housekeeping first - the JPEG (picture) problem
     that's just been announced in recent versions of Microsoft Windows.
     If you use a PC running Microsoft Windows XP or 2000, it may be
     vulnerable without an update.  (If you're using the automatic Windows
     Update, that should look after things for you)

     It's just been discovered that it's possible for hackers to create a
     malicious JPEG image file containing a hidden program.  Apparently there
     are none out in the wild yet, but it's probably only a matter of days
     before they'll start to appear.  You may receive one in an email,
     or you may come across one at a web site - it makes no difference.

     If you keep your virus-checker up to date, you should be okay, as these
     malicious JPEG pics are easy enough to detect, but it may still be
     worthwhile having a look at Microsoft's "security bulletin".

     If you're still using Windows 98 or ME, you'll also probably be okay -
     especially if you're using an up-to-date virus scanners, but if you
     have a recent version of (eg) Internet Explorer (ie: version 6), you
     should get the patch for that.  You can read Microsoft's patch info -
     just Click here

     For the programmers amongst you, you'll enjoy knowing the nature of
     the flaw.  JPEG headers contain an optional comment field which is
     preceded by a 'length' word (2 bytes long).  This length is defined
     to include itself, so its minimum value will normally be 2.  Most
     software that I've seen checks to see if it's more than 2.  The guys
     at Microsoft did it differently (of course) - they just blindly subtract
     2 from whatever they find there and assume that that's the length!
     That works fine for real JPEGs.  But if a bogus JPEG contains a 0 or
     a 1, Microsoft's software calculates a length of -1 or -2, which in
     unsigned arithmetic (and no range checking) is around 4 terabytes -
     and the OS will attempt to dump that amount of data onto your stack.

     I wouldn't like to be the guy that wrote that bit of code.  It's a
     DLL in Microsoft's runtime library, and hundreds of programs written
     in the last 5 years use it.  Like, one very big ... err ... oooops!

     Sorry about that lengthy intro, but I know a few of you out there
     will find that more humorous than the rest of today's posting :-)

     Okay - off we go, and first up, it's a couple from Biggus:
                            ------------------------

                           INTERESTING NEWSPAPER ADS

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be
willing to get hands dirty.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
anywhere again.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really
repellent.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.

                            ----====####====----


                           WORST JOKE OF ALL TIME?

A guy gets shipwrecked.  When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is
dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit
and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the
dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to
turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Next, it's another great collection from Maria the Softing ...
                            ------------------------

"According to the University of Chicago researchers, men produce a hormone
that causes them to develop muscle mass, which they need to perform masculine
tasks that are biologically necessary for human survival - such as operating
the remote control."
  - Dave Barry

                            ----====####====----

During a hike with my friend, I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby
tree.

"I've always wondered what's the difference between a raven and a crow,"
I said.

"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my companion
explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If there are five, it's a raven."

"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue about which he spoke.

"Oh, yes," he replied. "It's just a matter of a pinion."

                            ----====####====----

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to
throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them
before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken
three steps.

The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his
watch shatter.

The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs,
bought a snack at a shop up the street, and walked slowly back to Big Ben
in time to catch the watch."

"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow" he explained.

                            ----====####====----

                               MORE ONE-LINERS

People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that
makes me sick.

My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I'll just buy her a gag gift.

I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My psychiatrist
tells me I have a bi-polar disorder.

When his photographs all got double exposed he was beside himself.

Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you talk
to our neighbours, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the
happy hooker."

There's a real shortage of water in Beverly Hills. Two Perrier trucks
collided.

Atheism cures religious terrorism

Legal Drug Use Prescription drugs should be kept far out of reach of children,
even if they cry, "Please, please, may I have my medicine?"

Some people say you should not exceed the recommended dosage on the bottle.
But come on - it's medicine.  It's good for you.

If you take medication daily, a useful accessory is a seven-day pill case,
which helps you keep track of your intake and serves as a depressing symbol
of your mortality.

If the pharmacist says your prescription will take 45 minutes to an hour
to fill, say "Oh, no," and fall over dead.

Never mix prescription painkillers with alcohol, unless you like to party
really, really hard.

Most people don't realize how much pharmacists enjoy haggling over the
price of medications.

To reduce the risk of mix-ups at the pharmacy, bring a bat with a nail in it.

Most pills should not be taken on an empty stomach. Sprinkle a handful onto
a salad.

If your pharmacist doesn't offer to have one with you right there in the
store, the shit's probably no good.

If you are ever in doubt about the safety of a particular medication,
consult a qualified physician. He will be happy to pooh-pooh your concerns.

Never ask a pharmacist if they have cotton balls. They've heard this joke
a thousand times and will reply "Who do I look like, the Easter Bunny?"

                            ----====####====----

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept
looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went
on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than
to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.

"Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written
on your palm?"  "Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."

                            ----====####====----

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned
in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times,
as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business
and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me,
and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you were wrong.
"Hi Dan!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                                PICS AND THINGS

      To the pics and movies and stuff now.  Due to the JPEG scare, all
      contributions will be converted to plain ASCII format for this
      week.  First up, this one as just passed on by Nestor over in
      Illinois:
                            ------------------------



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     ......
        ....
   Ahhh, I think we'd better censor it below here.  Okay, onward ...

                            ------------------------

      Now to our first movie (also converted to ASCII) via Woz:

ASCII Star Wars (updated): Click here
                            ------------------------

      Okay, we're really just kidding.  I've scanned the JPEGs on Bluehaze
      and all are clean.  And if you're using a Mac or Unix or Linux,
      you don't need to worry anyway, of course.

      Here's a few from John Sanderson, and it's ...

A fun project: Click here
Why you shouldn't ever go on holidays (also from our Westerly list):
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
A real charity (interesting but generates stacks of pop-ups) Click here
                            ------------------------

      From our sister list over in the wild west of Oz ...

FBI photo gallery of concealable weapons: Click here
The original home computer: Click here
                            ------------------------

     Moonboot sent these across:

It's Friday! Click here
Watch out: Click here
The week: Click here
Now, which face? Click here
What are these two up to? (Slightly X-rated): Click here
Which Backstreet Boy's gay?  Click here
                            ------------------------

    A cupla weeks ago, we had some audio of the rude rainbow song.  Well,
    John Cook just found the video version:

Rude rainbow - video: Click here
   and also ...
Eye Test: Click here
Is this real? Click here
                            ------------------------

    I came across this one today (via some junk mail).  Could actually
    be useful :-)

Magic paint: Click here

    For those of you who like Science (and/or want to get your kids
    interested),  here's a collection of Science Songs.  The site's
    a bit weird - if you click on the speaker icon, it gives you a
    2nd window, and if you select (eg: mp3), nothing seems to happen
    until you close the little window and click on the speaker icon
    again):

The Science Top 40: Click here
                            ------------------------

    Our records girl (Margot) came across this one.  As she put it,
    "Good Recordkeeping - preserve our history"  For those who can
    remember who The Beatles were, their Oz immigration cards from
    back in 1964:

The article: Click here
And the cards: Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            ------------------------

    And Brett the spiky peroxided Valentine passed this on:

The art of fooling men: Click here
                            ------------------------

    Andrew Smith found this detailed map of Springfield that you can
    print out and put next to the TV for future Simpson's episodes:

Springfield map: Click here
                            ------------------------

    Lisa T thought you might enjoy some more tasteless and inappropriate
    record covers:

Rappin' Reverand: Click here
God's Power: ttp://www.bluehaze.com.au/humour/images/Karatist.jpg
My Friends: Click here
The Braillettes: Click here
No Hands: Click here
She's Big: Click here
                            ------------------------

    And a few from Digi Maria:

Uneven: Click here
The falls: Click here
Power of love! Click here
Disgusting: Click here
Ride-On Mower: Click here
                            ------------------------

    Back to the UK and this one from Mad Mick:
One-CSIRO: Click here
                            ------------------------

    Then there was this one from Biggus:

Englihs in Japan: Click here
                            ------------------------

    And from African Eric in his tree ...

Mouse cleaner: Click here
                            ------------------------

    M&M passed on a couple more this week.  First one's an impressive
    satellite shot:

Hurricane Francis off the coast of Florida: Click here
Pinnoccio gum:  Click here
                            ------------------------

      Only one bit of radio memorabilia this week.  Radio National's Hindsight
      program just ran a fascinating feature on Sydney's Sebel Townhouse Hotel
      in King's Cross.  It had managed to become one of the world's great
      "rock and roll" hotels from the early 1960s.  Just about anybody who was
      anybody has stayed there at some stage or other (and a few others
      besides).  Probably a bit difficult to listen to at work; best for
      weekend or evening listening at home ... maybe over lunch or dinner,
      or even while you're doing some odd jobs.

      Unfortunately, the ABC has only made a RealBadAudio version on their
      web site (look for the The Townhouse heading) - Click here
      Or if you prefer, listen via an MP3 copy on Bluehaze - Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay, back to a bit of plain ASCII now with this one from Digi Maria:
                            ------------------------

                                SOUTHERN SPEAK

  Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"

  Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

  Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

  The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

  Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

  Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it
said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart", like:
"She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And to finish off, a couple of quickies from John over at CUB:
                            ------------------------

An airman left the RAAF and joined the circus.

When asked why, he replied: "Two reasons, the live-in accommodation is better,
and you don't have to salute the clowns"

                              ----====####====----

                                  THE FARMER

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of
Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded
the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600
a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months And
I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit
that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy him chewing
tobacco", replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit", says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me".
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[ End Friday humour ]



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