Friday humour - September 17, 2004
From Davo at bluehaze:
An interesting development in the education policies of Liberal and Labor
in the Oz election campaign.
The Libs seem to always stand for choice. If you're rich enough you choose.
If you're poor you don't.
Labor has just pledged to spend the same amount on private schools as the
Libs - but will divert some government funding from 5% of the poshest
schools and reallocate it amongst the other 95% of private schools.
This act of generosity to the masses could be seen as Robin Hood like.
But the Libs are running around like chooks with their heads chopped off
ranting that this will destroy the education system as we know it. Maybe so.
As Labor is saying - those schools that already have a rifle range, boathouse,
olympic pool and gym most likely don't need the same level of government
funding as those schools that don't even have an adequate library.
But the Libs can't see anything based on needs being a good thing. They live
in the Land of the Choosers and Losers - the Haves and The Safety Net brigade.
I enjoyed reading our Chief Editor's editorial last week about the atrocities
perpetuated on the Russian children at Beslan.
But I have to say the Russian imperialists have treated the Chechnians
abominably for 150 years. It just so happens at this point in time we're
supposed to think that the Russians are on "our" side. Good v Evil.
Get the picture?
What I would implore our readers to do is just consider how many children
have been killed, terrorised, and maimed for life in Iraq? And for what?
To those who actually supported this evangelistic invasion what has it
achieved? And what were its motives? Has it made the world a safer place?
I'd venture to say that a lot of the Christian right don't really believe
in the word of Jesus at all. They just wish to quote ambiguous passages
from The Bible when it suits them. And it is sad.
These websites were sent in by Lee over at the Melbourne Uni - and also
Do what you will to Honest John and Larrikin Latham: Click here and Click here
And then have a go at the World's most dangerous evangelist: Click here
And so to the stuff ...
First up this week from Mad Mick from Marwick
... who says "Some wag has just texted me this. What does it mean?"
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed.
Little Bo Peep was giving him head.
As soon as he came, she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.
This came in from "that guy in Africa" - Kalahari Eric ...
Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them,
but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in
love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,
"she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of
carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They
were married shortly thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to
walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife
and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making
the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had
ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"
darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He
seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing
the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let
go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from
his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So
he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize
winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This
one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned
vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his
freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her
that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise --
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
( BTW, check out Eric's site - Click here )
A couple from UK Smithie
WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST??
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries ...... but,
now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay .. this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her .... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ..... it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ...... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet .......... it's male indifference.
If you cry ............ you're a wimp.
If you don't ........ you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her ......... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you ...... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you .......... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ...... you're a pervert.
If you don't ............. you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ...... you're sexist.
If you don't ................ you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ................ you're vain.
If you don't ............... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ............ you're after something.
If you don't .................... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ......... you're full of yourself.
If you don't .................... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache ............ she's tired.
If you have a headache ............. you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ......... you're over sexed.
If you don't ................ there must be someone else.
Men die first because they want to.
This was sent in by Brett Dude (an oldie but a goodie) ...
TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's
had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your Choice?
Decide first, no peeking, and then check out the answer below.
Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B: is Winston
Churchill. Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
This weeks pics are from Dave Allnutts, Stevo, UK Smithie, Sir Douglas,
Digi Maria, Sister Carol, Tibby Lisa, Little Di, Digi Steve, Hollywood Len,
Desktop Click here
Comic assortment Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here
Fast cars: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
The efficient office Click here
Olympic minutes Click here
Dementia Test Click here
Fire Click here
Christmas countdown Click here
Another hamster classic :-) ... Click here
Crude keyboard Click here
Cute and clever penicilmation Click here
Digi Maria sent these in
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:"My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT?
A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and
said, "Do you see that couple? How loving they are? He kisses her every
time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.
The husband replied ... "I tried once but she slapped me."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He
tees up and cranks it into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes
looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot
on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I
am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt
you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough
guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give
him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred pound note" he replied The leprechaun smiles and says,
"I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or
twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.
This fascinating submission came from Kai
The Stun Gun Saga
My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Kathy.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not
familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal
prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,
low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250lb. Tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in
the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon
reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much
to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between
the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that
if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface
that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks,
a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee.. I'm easily amused,
just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next
is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say,"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know,
a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious
that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right
at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
****! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through
the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on
the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, And undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours
truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How
did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering
a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so myself. Miss 'em... sure would like to get 'em back.
Quote of the Week
"President Bush just glosses over Iraq as if everything is just fine.
But you know, and I know, Americans know, and the world knows, because
all you have to do is see it on the evening news or read the newspapers,
that the situation in Iraq is worse, not better. That whole parts of Iraq
are in the control of terrorists and jihadists and insurgents, and they
Senator John Kerry
US Presidential Candidate
[ End Fri humour ]
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