Friday humour - September 10, 2004


     From Friday humour <fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au>:

         G'day,
      It's a bit hard to just launch straight into the humour this week
      after Beslan.  We now see that at least some terrorists are quite
      prepared to use the shock value of targeting schools full of defenceless
      children to make their political point.  Using children as hostages
      seems incomprehensible to most of us - just as September 11 was at
      the time.

      But the mere existence of such dedicated terrorists does demonstrate
      the brutal effectiveness of putting such people through a carefully
      designed sectarian educational and religious system that teaches them
      (as its most fundamental truth) that a person's greatest possible
      glory in life is to "Die for the cause".  And as long as such
      educational systems and extremist 'religious' sects are allowed to
      exist, the problem will continue to get worse.  Like - if they're more
      than happy to die in a glorious explosion and splatter their body parts
      all over the street, what can anyone do?  (Other than track down the
      schools and religious sects and destroy them - which is surely the
      responsibility of the harbouring nations)  It'd be nice if the USA
      and other Western "allies" would put more effort into that instead
      of just bombing the hell out of Iraq.

      I notice Davo is going to avoid any political comment in the up and
      coming Oz elections.  But a young family friend of ours (Kate Sharples)
      just posted what's probably the best comment I've seen: Click here

      After all, what REAL VISION for Australia are either of the major
      political parties displaying?  Like - where's the investment in
      Australia's future for our kids - our science, our R&D, the Universities
      and CSIRO?  What's happened to Bob Hawke's "Clever Country"?  It seems
      that Science and cleverness just aren't on the political agenda lately.
      As evidenced by those cutbacks that just keep on coming year after
      year, and the fact that R&D funding doesn't even rate a mention with
      either party.  Ken Davidson's recent analysis - Click here - is

      interesting in this regard too.

      But enough soapbox - to the humour, and first up, this short one from
      Biggus:
                          ----------------------------



                   TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN

 1. This explains your car.

 2. I never saw one like that before.

 3. But it still works, right?

 4. Are you cold?

 5. I guess this makes me the early bird.

 6. Ahhhh, it's cute.

 7. Can I be honest with you?

 8. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
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       And then there was this one as just passed on Mike Horne:
                          ----------------------------

                           SUNDAY MORNING SEX

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and
comfort her.  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start
to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.  Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "And he'd still be alive if
that ice cream truck hadn't come along ..."
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         Lee McMacintosh over at Melb Uni sent this one across ...
                          ----------------------------

                        TWO DWARFS GO INTO A BAR ...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.  His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting
out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!", all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing - I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head.  "You think that's embarrassing?  I couldn't
even get on the bed."

                            ----====####====----

                                  RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.  "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"Errr ... hello ... you ARE on the other side."
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            This one was from UK Smithy (as just passed on via Davo):
                          ----------------------------

                             THE POPE IS PUZZLED

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger
that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today."

He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the
other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there
is an empty next to him.

Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to
him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am a good Catholic on a
flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their
seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to
take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with
the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I.  Maybe he will ask
for help. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle,
and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.

The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights,
but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your eminence. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The
only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
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           And from Maria the Harding, this sweet little tale:
                          ----------------------------

                               DADDY LONGLEGS

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied.  "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then suddenly stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of *that* poofter shit in *our* garden."
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        Just before we hit the pics, let's have the first of two that Prue
        just sent over all the way from China:
                          ----------------------------

                    AUSSIES, CANADIANS, BRITS AND AMERICANS

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your
club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't - but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey,
and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every
sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in
an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in
a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in
a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - to da pics now, and first up, it's a little movie as passed
       on by Olivine from over at that place of many molecules ...

In-laws: Click here

       John Sanderson passed on this somewhat incredible newspaper story:

A record? Click here
                          ----------------------------

       And from that guy in Africa, we recently received these:

Victoria's Secret?  Click here
Am I just too sexy?  Click here
Can't eat ... Click here
                          ----------------------------

       Hollywood Len passed these over for your entertainment:

I wanna come here every night!  Click here
Half Monty!  Click here
German fashion: Click here
Yep, it's ... Pokemon Airlines: Click here
Don't ever sleep outside the tent ...  Click here
A riddle: Click here
I think he likes this ... Click here
                          ----------------------------

       Forget who passed this one on, so thanks to whoever you were ...!

Eat more ... Click here
                          ----------------------------

       John Cook (Sydney) passed on a few this week too ...

Big problems in Jamaica: Click here
More Government Alert signs: Click here
Olympic Gold!  Click here
                          ----------------------------

       And from Melbourne University Lee, we have:

Friesian cow: Click here
What Lee feels like for most of the week ... Click here
                          ----------------------------

       Maria the Harding (reliable as ever) sent these over for you:

Feel like eating out ... or in ... or ... Click here
Wanted: Click here
                          ----------------------------

       And from Moonbot, we have a pic of the new ...
Cornish flood defences: Click here
                          ----------------------------

     Digitronics Steve found this interesting pub receipt from outback Oz:

Receipt: Click here
                          ----------------------------

     And Brett passed on these interesting pics of the storms over Sydney
     from last Sunday night ...

Sydney storm: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                          ----------------------------

     M&M often jumps up out of nowhere at the last minute with lotsa stuff,
     and this week was no exception ...

The sperm bank: Click here
The quote of the century: Click here
Check out this underwater restaurant in Israel, 6 metres down: Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Skoda ad: Click here
Porsche ad: Click here
Piaggio ad: Click here
Bentley ad: Click here
Business card: Click here
Bad day? Click here
Pick the blondes: Click here
Bitch? Click here
M&Ms: Click here
Close your eyes: Click here
                          ----------------------------

   And finally for the multimedia department, another one from John Cook -
   an excerpt from a kid's program that just didn't make it ...

Rainbow: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to the written stuff, and this time, it's a big one from Prue
        over in China.  And how about we just go with her introduction ...
                          ----------------------------

                 INKLISH SIGNS IN VARIOUS NON INKLISH COUNTIRES

  I always thought these inklish signs were a bit of a joke, occasionally
  popping up here and there.  However after being in China for 9 months now, I
  have come to realise that these things are SERIOUS and EVERYWHERE and it's
  English that is better understood than the correct spelling.  I've often
  had to spell things out phonetically to people who speak English almost
  fluently, and have been learning it in university for several years just
  so that they can understand.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that
you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is
then going alphabetically by national order.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the
country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters
and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in
the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has
been played.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop:
Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to
the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long
run.

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
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[ End Friday humour ]

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