Friday humour - September 03, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day Cobbers

Hey.  Didn't Oz do well in the Olympics!  Fourth in the world with barely
a population of 20 million.  It just goes to show what money can buy.
Let this be a lesson to all the poor unadventurous countries out there.
If you're rich you can do anything - and bugger anybody that gets in your way.
You can attack pisspot countries - rape and pillage their women - torture
and maim their men - wreck their infrastructure - and knock off their oil.
All you have to say is you think you've spotted a mobile doughnut van in
a picture from outer space and in you go without a care.  Hmmmm ... I seem
to have gone off at a tangent.

BTW ...  SBS re-screened the French produced doco "The World according
to Bush" on Tuesday night.  Should anyone like to view it I've taped it.
It's very similar to Fahrenheit 9/11 except that it's not at all funny-ha-ha
but it's a definite funny-peculiar.  Dubya must surely go down as the most
dangerous miscreant in the world at the minute.

Tony is still tearing his hair out over recent problems with Bluehaze.
And it's not a pretty site.  The problems have not been caused by a virus
and at this stage we can't even blame the lying rodent for throwing anything
overboard.  So we'll blame Melbourne IT, Pacific Internet, Telstra, Optus,
KFC, and Amanda Vanstone.

Suffice to say everything seems tikitiboo now.  But if any of you have trouble
viewing the non-ascci stuff it's probably because your PC has the old IP
number buried away in cache.  Tony says if you incur assorted stuffups just
"reboot it" and it should pick up the correct number.  Whether that means
turn off you PC, restart Internet Explorer, or kick it in the groin I'm
not exactly sure.  Trying all three is highly recommended.

The Australian Prime Minister called an election for October 9 earlier
this week.  Bluehaze wants to assure its Friday Humour readers that we
will not be taking sides in this election.  The editorial staff at Bluehaze
will be fair and balanced.  This is a no spin zone ... a bit like Fox News
Channel really.  We will not tell you not to vote for Honest John because
he's mean and tricky, a lying rodent, and an arselicker.  We will not mention
anything like this  - which is so rampant in other publications at the moment.
They should be ashamed of themselves.

Hyacinth would be appalled!

Though on a totally unrelated subject - interior and exterior design -
green is certainly a reliable and stylish colour.  We are considering
doing a feature on how to caringly and responsibly paint and bring new
life to your house and home.  If we can meet all our production schedules
this might be able to go out as early as next month.

Our new contributor Moonboot, who seems to hover somewhere over the United
Kingdom, has sent in this interesting web site which compares their official
emergency site with a more imaginative one prepared by Her Majesty's
Department of Vague Paranoia - Click here or Click here

And for those enjoying the radio clips on Bluehaze, here's a site I found
which lists the history, logos, and often the old jingles of many Aussie
radio stations - Click here

1500 - Won-der-ful 3AK ... those were the days!

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Stephanie the Crock sent this one in:

                        YA GOTTA LOVE CANADA!!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big Rock between you and B. C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 per cent instead of approximately 200 per cent for the rest of
   the country.
4. Flames vs. Oilers.
5. Stamps vs. Eskies.
6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
7. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its
   own country.
8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
3. Your province is really easy to draw.
4. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you have a standard
   transmission.
5. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house.
6. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
7. People will assume you live on a farm.
8. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.
2. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.
3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
7. Because of your licence plate, you are still friendly even when you cut
   someone off.
8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You
   are the centre of the universe.
5. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
6. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
3. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move
   out next.
4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%".

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.
4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston.
5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.
8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.
3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk
   and wear a kilt.
4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.
5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered
   Canada's most beautiful city.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big,
   new bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter.
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss
   dead cod.
3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
6. The workday is about two hours long.
7. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered
   flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding.

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To the pics now, and this lot has come from Moondog, Sir Doug, Uni Lee,
Brett Dude, Digi Maria, Hollywood Len, Sister Carol, Steve from Oregon,
UK Smithie, Digi Steve, and Dave Allnutts.

Honey - you can get out now Click here

Looking in stereo Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Gone fishing Click here

Signs Click here Click here Click here Click here

Well hung (X-rated) Click here

Democrat supporter Click here

Mixed assortment Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Royal smiles Click here

Big night Click here

Relief Click here

Spunky Miriam (also X-rated) Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tent pole Click here

Hot pussy Click here

The lying rodent Click here

Adam & Eve Click here

Disco Duke Click here

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These from UK Smithie in Sherwood Forest

                             WHICH BOOK?

PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy?

"The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read. Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and Subsequent
catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During an ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return
her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton
doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica... oooh,
let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary
... basically the same thing.

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Question: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?

Answer: Hair balls.

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  Quote of the Week:

         "Luck occurs when opportunity meets preparedness."

                                           From our own Hollywood Len
                                               (his email sig)

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[ End Fri humour ]


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