Friday humour - August 27, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          G'day,
      The ubiquitous Davo is away at the moment - hopefully not too crook?
      Actually, in Victoria (South East of Oz), after months of miserable
      grey (and occasionally wet) wintery weather, we've suddenly had several
      days of warm blue skies!  Great for those lunchtime walks ... almost
      too warm, in fact.  (Hope Davo got at least a few minutes out on his
      banana lounge yesterday - and we also trust he wasn't attacked and
      eaten by that lunatic dog over the side fence!)

      First up this week, let's have a little quote as passed on by Russell
      Wallah.  Just see if you can guess who said this ...

   "We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to
   form up into teams, we would be reorganised.  I was to learn later in
   life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising - and a
   wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while
   producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation."

      Any idea where that was from?  One of our Oz Universities?  Well ... no.
      CSIRO, maybe?  Nup!  Actually, it's a quote from Petronius - in 65 AD.
      (Mind you, it does describe CSIRO pretty well at the moment - with
      Geoffius Garrottus and Rozeus Frostonius at the reins ...)

      An ex-colleague of mine (David) always laughingly referred to these
      types of organisational restructurings as "shifting the deck chairs
      around on the Titanic".  In fact, it can be worse than that, because
      enforced top-down changes of the mindless variety typically cause so
      much angst through an organisation that things actually get
      significantly worse.  (And of course - as we all know - once these
      turkeys have wreaked their havoc, they generally disappear.)

      Okay - enough soapbox - it's onto some more great humour to round out
      the last Friday of this month of Augustus, 2004.  And first up, it's
      a short but cute one from Steve of the Digi corporation:
                            --------------------------

The monks at a monastery found their clothes were badly faded from working
long hours in their vegetable garden, so they decided to dye them.  Having no
money, they boiled up vegetable leaves to act as a dye.  But to their horror,
the garments came out as stiff as boards.

That evening, they were summoned to appear before the Abbot.  Admonishing them,
he said, "I can't understand how you could be so foolish.  Even though you live
a cloistered life, surely you must have known that old habits dye hard."
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      The next group of one-liners comes from a new contributor who prefers
      to be known simply as 'Moonboot'.  Biggus (who prefers to be known as
      Dave McCallum) also passed it on ...
                           --------------------------


                             THE WISDOM OF PETER KAY

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's okay to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in
your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher
mum or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and
then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand
or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand
up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries'
have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Despite constant warning, you have never met nobody who has had their arm
broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
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      And the Moonboot (where do people dredge up these names?) also
      passed this on ...
                           --------------------------

                             THE TYPICAL HUSBAND

A husband and wife go off to bed.  As soon as they settle down, the man leans
over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby
isn't quite ready for night-night yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "Okay, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes - but on her way back, she trips over a piece of carpet and
lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up concerned.  "Oh, my little hunny bunny, is your nosey
wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips
over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
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       This one's from Shorty.  We had an abbreviated version of this back
       on the 24th of May 2002, but so many readers have reported excellent
       results with the system that we thought we might just re-run it ...
                           --------------------------


                                   INSTRUCTIONS
                                   ============

Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.

Then, anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't
forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542
women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds;
2.5 models; 463 wild nymphos; 3,234 good-looking nymphos; 20,198 who enjoy
multiple 0rgasms; and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and
tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.  And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her
off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on
her face.  On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with
since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend
(to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.


This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.  No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only
interest women) just so that you can bonk her.  No obligations, no grumpy
mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

So don't hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
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        Some multimedia now, and first up, over to that tree in Africa
        where Eric hides out with his laptop ...
                           --------------------------

"Just bang bang bang ..." (animated song - few seconds to load) Click here
A senior moment: Click here

John Cook also passed this one on (Bruno's take on the Olympics).  It's a 1.2Mb
"shockwave" animation - may take 1 or 2 minutes to load ...  Click here
                            --------------------------

        And a few from Moonboot ...

Santa, bring me B00BIES!  Click here
Stuffing the turkey (somewhat disgusting): Click here
And monkeys cop it, too: Click here
A drunk jump (a Powerpoint version of an old (but good) one) ...  Click here
Road signs in the year 2020 (a little animated GIF) ...  Click here
                            --------------------------

       John Cook sent this little WMV movie down as well:

The new guy: Click here
                            --------------------------

      And a few we just received from Lee's favourite contributer, Biggus:

Cancer: Click here
Underwear: Click here
Wanted: Click here
Spelling: Click here
Shirt: Click here
                            --------------------------

   And some more stuff this week from our Nth Hollywood correspondent, Len:

Terrorists: Click here
Future Democrat: Click here
Awww ... sweet: Click here
Pardon me ... Click here
Let's try water: Click here
One glass a day: Click here
Poor lizard: Click here
Foul!!  Click here
                            --------------------------

     These 'worst of' pics were discovered by Digi Steve.  They're somewhat
     X-rated, incidentally, so take care if you're at work ...

Cup these: Click here
Am I really alive? Click here
Where's the bikini? Click here
I'm excited! Click here
Double deckers! Click here
                            --------------------------

     Olivine came across this one and thought you may like it.  It's cute -
     (and even clean) ...

Mystery parcel: Click here
                            --------------------------

     And Brett passed these on ...

Latest invention Click here
And remember ... Click here
                            --------------------------

     MnM came across this lovely little family pic ...

Okay, smile! Click here
                            --------------------------

     And this one just arrived from Dermot:

Would she remember last night?  Click here

     I won't bug you with any sound bytes this week ... but one correction
     is in order re last weeks tracks off the 3CR "Wild About You" disc.
     These were NOT by the original groups, but had in fact been re-recorded
     recently by other locals here in Melbourne (as Howard from the Chimney
     Sweeps just explained today).  That "Creatures" track was done by "The
     Naked Eye", and Toni McCann's by "Go Genre Everything".

     The Chimney Sweep's own track "Lies Lies" (also on the CD) was likewise
     a re-recorded version - by "The Stabs" - but having just listened their
     distorted rendering, I can only say that the 'Sweeps original version
     (amateur garage-based recording though it was) is still the best by far.
     If you missed these, by the way, just check out the FH archives -
     Click here and Click here and look for Chimney Sweeps about half-way down

     in the multimedia stuff.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay, back to the written stuff now - and it's over to CUB and these
        ones from John the Klimek ...
                           --------------------------

                                    WHACK!

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer and minding
his own business, when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -
WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "Geez!" ... but he gets back up on the stool and
starts drinking again.

Then all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.
And this time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this.  He gets up, brushes himself off
and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!" --
knocks the big dude off his stool ... out cold!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him
that's a crowbar from Bunnings.

                            ----====####====----


                            WHEN OLD FRIENDS MEET

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist,
I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered
that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my High School class
some 40 years ago.  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way
too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high
school.

Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1965.  Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
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     And some more Peter Kay quotes from our newest correspondent, Moonbot:
                           --------------------------


I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.  Motorists are
asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well, I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.  But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me' - and it worked!  From then on, it was
sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got
thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.  My neighbour said 'Are
you going to help?'   I said 'No ... six should be enough."

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex?   No, me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they
don't understand ... such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And lastly but by no means leastly, a couple from Rosalie ...
                           --------------------------


                 SOME ODD SPOT ARTICLES FROM THE AGE NEWSPAPER

Wednesday August 25, 2004
A couple's lavish wedding in Kent, England, had to be cancelled when the groom
went sleepwalking the night before and fell three metres out of a window.

Tuesday August 24, 2004
Astonished British rescuers saved a man and his eight-year-old son on Friday
after they drifted out to sea in an inflatable dinghy - a day after saving the
same hapless duo in a punctured dinghy.

Monday August 23, 2004
Motorists in Berlin were alarmed after 28 wild boar took to a quiet street in
search of food.  Police vehicles closed off the area and the hungry animals
were guided back to the woods.

Saturday August 21, 2004
A man suspected of robbing an Ohio bank was spotted leaving in his truck by
his ex-wife, who reported him.  Police arrested Daniel Waggoner, 31, who has
previous robbery convictions, soon afterwards.

Friday August 20, 2004
Nick Mann, a Bedfordshire man, was sent a letter by insurance company
Prudential addressed to Mr A.  Shagslikeadonkey.  An embarrassed spokesman said
the culprit had left the firm.

Thursday August 19, 2004
A Brazilian vet is offering plastic surgery and botox injections for pampered
pets.  Edgard Brito, from Rio de Janeiro, offers wrinkle surgery, ear
correction and face-lifts for dogs.

Wednesday August 18, 2004
A Belgian soccer club, Cercle Oedelem, tired of players twisting ankles in
rabbit holes, wants people to donate worn and really smelly shoes in their
efforts to ward rabbits off their pitch.

Tuesday August 17, 2004
A rabbit set alight at a UK cricket club's bonfire sought revenge by torching
$155,000 of equipment.  Players watched the blazing bunny dash from the fire
into a nearby hut full of expensive machinery.

Monday August 16, 2004
German police have been helping a truckie try to find half a set of dentures
worth $A5000, which he lost when he spat too hard out of his car window while
crossing a bridge over the Rhine near Woerth.

                            ----====####====----


     Rosalie also came across this one while surfing The Age website ...
                           --------------------------

                         TOE-LICKING NUT IS NO CRIMINAL

  August 9, 2004 - 4:36PM

The Dutch Labour party wants to pass a law making unsolicited toe-licking an
offence after police were unable to prosecute a man with a taste for female
toes because he had committed no crime.

A police spokesman said a man had been detained after women sunning themselves
in Rotterdam's parks and beaches claimed he would sneak up on them and begin
to lick their toes.

"The officers had to let him go.  Licking a stranger's toes is rather unusual
but there is really nothing criminal about it," the spokesman said.

Dutch press reports said the man, who is about 35, had been licking the toes
of strangers for about three years but was only recently caught by police.

Peter van Heemst, a Labour member of parliament, asked Christian Democrat
Justice Minister Piet Hein Donner to explain why Dutch laws forbid littering
but not uninvited toe-licking.

Van Heemst demanded an amendment prohibiting it.

- Reuters
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[ End Friday humour ]

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