Friday humour - August 20, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Gidday,
    And again, stacks of pics and movies and sound bytes this week -
    particularly as we had to hold over last week's collection because
    of Telstra's ADSL dropout.

    By the way, if you click on the pics and see nothing, it's because of a
    strange DNS problem whereby the old Bluehaze address from 18 months ago
    (210.23.137.2) has resurfaced and seems to be "polluting" the 'net.
    This old address leads nowhere, so if your computer has picked it up,
    you'll get the dreaded hourglass when you try to click on anything.
    Rebooting your PC can sometimes help.  And no - I don't know what's
    causing it yet (especially as it seems to be somewhat intermittent).

    Anyway, to da humour - and first up, this one from John over at CUB:
                          ------------------------

                             DRUGS AT THE OLYMPICS

One of the female Chinese swimmers is talking to her coach one morning
after training and says "I can't keep taking these steroids, my shoulders
are getting way too big."

The coach thinks for a moment and says "Don't worry about it - you're doing
excellent times".

A week later, she approaches him again and says "Look, I really can't take
any more steriods.  My thighs are like tree trunks - look at them!".

The coach thinks for a moment and says "Look, your times have come down
heaps, and you're on course for breaking world records - just don't worry
about it."

A week later, she returns to her coach and says "That's it, I'm not taking
anymore steroids.  I'm growing hair on places that I've *never* had it
before."

The coach looks at her bemused, and says "Oh really ... which places?"

"My balls"
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         Then there was this one from Maria the digi person ...
                          ------------------------

                                  WANTED

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we
haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be
getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who
was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am.  Of course, we'll
have some soon.  In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never,
never say we don't have something.  If we don't have it, say we ordered it
and it's on its way.  Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Rain."
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        Hollywood Len passed this one on (plus the biggest collection of
        pics for quite a while ... further down):
                          ------------------------

                 PRIEST TELLS FORTUNE FROM PUSSY PICTURES

Sankei Shinbun

A perverted buddist priest was arrested because of an illegal sexual session
with a 35-year-old housewife who had sought his counsel for problems she was
facing.

The priest offered to take her into a special room to provide his advice,
which consisted of comparing her genitalia with one of the images of similar
body parts that he had prepared in advance.

He then apparently removed the woman's panties and began probing and poking
at her privates, ostensibly to determine her future.  He then asked the woman
to foot a hefty 20,000 yen for his services!
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       Every now and then, the "fortune-cookie" program on mineng comes up
       with something good, such as this quickie:
                          ------------------------

                          FIREPLACES ARE DANGEROUS

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses.

Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many scientists actually
use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer.  If you visit
a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire
roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how
cool he is and drinking heavily.

    -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
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       Then there was this one from a certain Mad Mick of Marwick, who's very
       busy these days - he now signs himself as:

       Mick Rand
       17, Markwick Close,
       Kington,
       Herefordshire
       HR5 3UE
       01544 231568-home; 01544 231926-office
       MichaelRand@markwick17.fsbusiness.co.uk
       Company Secretary: Marches Credit Union Ltd.
       Company Secretary; Kington Area Regeneration Group Ltd.
       Company Secretary; Kington Vintage Club Ltd.
       Secretary of The Mid-Wales Forum of Credit Unions
       Secretary of The Kington Health and Social Care Project Group,
       ecretary of Kington Physically Handicapped and Blind Club
       Co-ordinator of the Kington Area Debt Redemption Scheme
       Chair of the Welsh Credit Union Grant Board,
       Member of the Wales Co-operative Centre Ltd. Steering Group
       Volunteer at the Kington Connected Community Company Ltd.
                          ------------------------

                              THE HUMAN MIND

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig  to a rscheeearchr at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the  ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat  ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses  and you can  sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed  ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod
as a wlohe.  Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas  thought slpeling was ipmorantt
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      And just before we hit the bumper pics collection for this week, one
      more quickie from Digi Maria:
                          ------------------------

                                IN THE ARMY

A letter from an aussie country kid to mum and dad ...

   Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well.  Hope you are.  Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is
better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick
before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed
until 6am.  I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform.  No cows to milk, no calves
to feed, no feed to stack-nothing.  Men must shave, but Its not so bad, coz
there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.  Breakfast has cereal,
fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew.  You don't
get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered
because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill
in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter.  I keep getting medals for
shooting - dunno why.  The bulls eye is as big as a bloody possum's head
and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka.  Alls ya gotta do is
make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss.  You don't
evenload your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz
they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and
Boori and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6
foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to
the end.  I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
before word gets around how good it is.

   Your loving daughter,

       Sharee
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        Okay - to the multimedia content for this week, and Hollywood Len
        easily wins the Davo Mars Bar with this large collection:

Don't give a ... Click here
And he puffed and ... Click here
Often whipped ... Click here
Hiring now ... Click here
Braced for action ... Click here
Frat house: Click here
German sign: Click here
Whats' up there? Click here
Ooooohhh ... Click here
Who? Click here
We even lick ... Click here
The two Johns: Click here
Hmmm, nice! Click here
Taking no chances: Click here
We got trees! Click here
Helpful: Click here
Duh ...  Click here
Just doing what the sign says!  Click here
Love this place!  Click here
You drive ... No, YOU drive ... Click here
I'm going out to pick up some chicks!  Click here
Two hours later ...  Click here
Good positions available: Click here
Freud says: Click here
He also says ...  Click here
Only the freshest ingredients: Click here
All those in favour ... Click here
                          ------------------------

        And Russell has just come up with a new uniform for CSIRO's latest
        ill-considered project (known as "OneIT"):

(I)T shirts: Click here
                          ------------------------

        MnM hasn't exactly been slacking off this week either, passing on
        this collection:

(Mandy's comment re the first: "Aha - justice!  Proof that famous people who
are now gorgeous were once ugly too!  The things that make-up and plastic
surgery can do ...")

Guess who ... ?  Click here
Child abuse in the 1980s: Click here
BMW struts its stuff: Click here
New satin sheets: Click here
Please sit down: Click here
How fights get started: Click here
Now darling, you might have an accident ...  Click here
Javelin throw at the 2000 Olympics: Click here
Gold: Click here
Silver: Click here
Bronze: Click here
                          ------------------------

       And this one from Digi Steve (first one's definitely not to be opened
       in front of your local priest or a young child):

(X-rated) Tug-a-war: Click here
Pinky - pet of the week: Click here
                          ------------------------

       After seeing the first one in this next collection, Maria the Harding
       wants to go and try fishing next.  It's one for the girls (or the
       kinky boys, or the dogs, or ...)

Fishing for ... Click here
  and a
Sick movie: Click here
And what are you doing this weekend?  Click here

                          ------------------------

           And Biggus came across this interesting ...

Welcome Sign: Click here
                          ------------------------

           Captain Ron found some interesting movies this week, of which
           these are but a sample:

Never threaten the Spanish ... Click here
The quick pick up ... Click here
I've got a tooth ...  Click here
                          ------------------------

          And our friend Eric found these lurking around in his tree
          over in the continent of Africa ...

Dear Doctor Ruth: Click here
Please - only for those who are _really_ hot: Click here
                          ------------------------


          Finally for the pics, I just came across these two from QCAT up
          in our sunny north.  It's a couple of early Christmas ones ...

Letter FROM Santa: Click here
Stuff the Pole: Click here
                          ---------------------------

     For those who enjoy the sounds bytes, here are some more audio grabs -
     and quite a motley collection this week too.  As usual, these are
     probably best reserved for that odd hour or so over the weekend when
     you have a chance to sit down and listen (maybe during lunch) - unless
     you're smart enough to have headphones on your work PC :-).  I just
     grabbed some stuff out of the archives pretty much at random.  First up,
     some ancient comedy from Bill Cosby:

A trip to the dentist (MP3): Click here

     And more ancient still, this one from Stan Freberg.  Circa 1958, this
     was a send-up of the ever increasing number of TV Westerns at the time:

Stan Freberg - Bang Gunleigh, U.S. Marshall Field (MP3) Click here
(or for the RealBadAudio streaming version, Click here

     The next couple represent some interesting Oz Rock memorabilia as passed
     on by the lead singer from The Chimney Sweeps (Howard Allingham at CSIRO).
     These are from a special issue CD produced by a great local Community
     station in Melbourne, 3CR.  The disc is called "WILD ABOUT YOU" - and it's
     basically from garage bands and other groups that made up the "Oz Rock
     Underground movement" in the mid 1960s.  There is a track from the Chimney
     Sweeps (as already featured in Friday Humour back on Nov 14th and 21st
     2003), but there's lots of other interesting stuff too, such as this one
     by The Creatures:

Oz underground rock, circa 1965: Ugly Thing - The Creatures (MP3) Click here
(or for the RealBadAudio version, Click here

     And this one from Toni McCann (who first went on stage at the age of 15
     at around the same time) ...

NO! (MP3) Click here or for a RealBadAudio version, Click here

     Arrr ... let's hear from one more music legend.  It just occurred to me
     that around the same time that Stan Freberg was attempting to resurrect
     radio comedy for networking around the States (circa 1957 - much against
     the wishes of the CBS management), rock and roll was just beginning to
     take over the commercial music scene.  Most of this "pop" music had very
     simple backing (piano, drums, guitar and sax), but occasionally a "hit"
     would surface that had been produced with backing from a full orchestra,
     and somehow that surprised me.  Especially when they went to #1, as
     exemplified by these sorts of songs from Eugene Booker McDaniels in 1961:

A hundred pounds of clay (MP3) - Click here (and Click here and Click here
(or for the RealBadAudio versions, Click here and Click here and Click here

     And finally, an interesting bit of recent philosophical radio listening
     from Phillip Adams (via Radio National here in Oz).  Now Davo and I are
     often accused of being left wing and political when we bemoan the lack of
     critical political analysis in the media (especially in the US of A).
     But these sorts of things that we're hearing recently do give hope ...

Discussion of new DVD: "Out Foxed: Rupert Murdoch's war on journalism", from
Oz Radio National, Tuesday Aug 16, 2004 (MP3): Click here
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       Okay, enough multimedia for one week!  Now for a couple more bits
       of written stuff from John over at the bubble factory:
                          ------------------------

                                PET SHOP PERKS

An attractive woman entered a pet shop.  When the clerk offered assistance, she
explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a smallish dog
for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets' and that,
unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.  He took the
woman into a back room.  He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a
large bullfrog which sat inside it.

"Would that suit your needs?", he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be
a suitable companion.

"Ah", replied the salesman, leering, "but this amphibian' has been carefully
trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up.  She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession.  Arriving
home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed
in anticipation.  When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and
arranged herself, naked, upon her bed.  Parting her thighs, she placed the
frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened.  She prodded the frog.  Still nothing.  She moved it up
further toward her body.  Nothing.  She ordered it to perform.  No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop.  When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had
been cheated.  The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address,
and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a
nightgown.  He asked her to demonstrate the problem.

She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in
place.  The frog made no movement. "You see?", she asked, petulantly.

"Yes, I do", said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now,
I'm only going to show you this one more time."

                       -----=====#====#====#=====-----

Jana Wendt was doing a 60 minutes special on the American Indians in the U.S.
She was interviewing Indians on a reservation.  Her escort was a brave with
one feather in his headdress.  She asked him why he only had one feather.

"Me only have one squaw.  So me only have one feather" he answered.

Feeling that he might be joking, she asked a brave who had four feather in his
headdress.

"Me sleep with four squaws.  That why me have four feathers" he replied.

Ms Wendt was not convinced so she asked the Chief who had a headdress full of
feathers.

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said "Me Chief !Me f**k 'em all - big,
small, fat, tall me f**k 'em ALL!"

Horrified Ms Wendt exclaimed "You ought to be hung!"

"You damn right me hung ! Big like buffalo, long like snake!"

Ms Wendt cried, " You don't have to be so hostile!""

"Hoss style, dog style, wolf style me f**k 'em all!"

With tears in her eyes, Ms Wendt sobbed "Oh dear!"

The Chief looked shocked. "No dear! No f**k dear ! Asshole to high and
f**kers run too fast ! No f**k dear !"
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                   And from Lee over at Melbourne Uni ...
                          ------------------------

                         YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

   This trick takes less than a minute ... work this out as you read.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have
   chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator ............

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754 ....
   If you haven't, add 1753 .

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.  You should have a
   three digit number.  The first digit of this was your original number
   (i.e.,how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are ...

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

[2004 is the only year this will work]
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          And to finish off for yet another week, one more from CUB:
                          ------------------------

                                 IT'S HEAVENLY

Three men were standing in line to get into Heaven one day.  Apparently it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.  What's your story?"

So the man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.  As
I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong,
but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy was hiding.

Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man
hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad,
so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off.  So finally I went back into my apartment and got a
hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.  Of course, he couldn't stand
that for long, so he let go and fell.

But even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.  I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and
threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.  But
all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there
on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and he let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about Heaven being full
and asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.  You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over
the edge.  But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me.  I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony.  I thought for sure I was saved, when
he started beating and kicking me.  I held on the best I could until he ran
into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.

Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right.  Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay,
this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushed me, and so now
I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death, so he admitted the guy.  Finally, the third man came to the front of
the line, and Peter explained that Heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "There I was, hiding naked inside this
refrigerator ..."
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[ End Friday humour ]

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