Friday humour - August 13, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          G'day,
     The humour's rather crippled this week, I'm afraid.  Bluehaze was
     clobbered by the Oz "ADSL network collapse" at around 1:30am on
     Thursday morning and as of 2:30am Friday morning, things are still
     out for my ISP (Pacific Internet).  When I try to connect, the local
     Melbourne Exhibition St Exchange network equipment complains and tells
     me that I'm "already connected" and kicks me off.

     So this is coming to you courtesy of the PI backup link (via an antiquated
     piece of equipment called a dialup MODEM).  So the pics will have to wait
     until next week.

     The problem with Oz ADSL is related to our main carrier here, Telstra.
     And who knows exactly what's happened?  We'll probably never know the
     full truth for legal-liability reasons.  Some poor buggar apparently
     tried to upgrade all the ADSL exchange interface units across Oz and -
     for whatever reason, it's gone badly wrong.  I'm sure there'll be lots
     of meetings and reports and sh-t flying around for the next 6 months,
     but I just feel sorry for the poor guys who set it all in motion some 24
     hours ago.  Especially knowing how Telstra (like so many organisations)
     have shed so many of their best engineers in recent times.

     Anyway, here's a few short laughs to get you ready for another great
     weekend away from the usual rough and tumble of work (esp for those at
     CSIRO who are still having to come to grips with all the "One-IT" crap),
     beginning with this quickie from Biggus:
                       -------------------------------

                             ANOTHER BUSH SPEECH

George W. Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games.

"Ooooooo! Ooooooo!  Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo!"

An aide quickly comes over and whispers: "Mr President ... those are the
Olympic rings.  Your speech starts down there."
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        And from Maria of the world of Digi things, we just received:
                       -------------------------------

                             THE MISSIONARY

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.  He points
to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the
tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is
a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really
getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual
activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, and how could
he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And finally (told you it'd be short), this one from Hollywood Len.
       (Len really does live just outside Hollywood - although he recently
       spent some time living down in Oz as well).

       This can be our little philosophical thought for the week ...
                       -------------------------------

  You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually
  a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of
  a reward to anyone who killed an American - any American.  So an Australian
  dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so
  they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)


                                  AN AMERICAN
  (Author un-named )

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish,
Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian,
Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani,
or Afghan.  An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho,
Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.

In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only
difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them
chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that, he
will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming
to speak for the government and for God.

An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence,
which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other
nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by
the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable
the people to win back their country.  As of the morning of September 11,
Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best - the best products, the best books, the best
music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least.
The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired
and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless,
tempest tossed.  These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them
were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning
a better life for their families.

I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least
30 other countries, cultures, and first languages - including those that
aided and abetted the terrorists. So you can try to kill an American if
you must.  Hitler did.  So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung,
and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so,
you are just killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular
people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit
of freedom.

Everyone who holds to that spirit ... everywhere ... is "an American".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The above, brief FH posting was followed by a couple more later in the day ... one from myself (Tony, bluehaze), and one from Davo ...


      Hi,
   Just noticed that the ADSL link at bluehaze seems to be alive again,
   so I've switched back over to that link ... cross fingers, toes, etc.
   Back to normal with the pics and things next week with luck.

   Hollywood Len commented:

Hey Mate,

How in hell could you let Telstra get away with "stuffing" up the ADSL? I
say get everyone to organize a protest and don't pay your Aug-Sept bills
until they reimburse everyone for the down time!!!!!  It's your right.

   And from Peter Phillips:

I never used to be superstitious, but now the Friday 13th Humour has been
affected, I'm not so sure...

   Arrr, what the heck - here's something Trevor from RAU (Sth Africa)
   sent a cupla hours ago:

Now you can get your female readers to vote for me - Click here
Only ratings over 8 accepted. Am I conceited or what :-) The pict wasn't my
idea but it is kinda fun though.

   (Your overexposed in more ways than one, Trevor) - and the pics he
   included (one or two may be repeats - not sure):

Naughty tree: Click here Head start: Click here For Nike: Click here
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And here's Davo's compilation, sent at about 11:45am (I've deleted the repeats). What a week!

G'day

You've had the apertiser ... here's the main course.  But no pics.
They'll be heaps next week.

Four years has past since the successful Sydney games.  Let's hope that Athens
can do them proud.  Besides all the hype and controversy, they do bring all
countries of the world closer together.

Yesterday's Age editorial responding to the "Truth in Government" statement
released by 43 former government department heads, military leaders,
and diplomatic leaders is worth a read.  The Age condemns all the lies and
deceptions that Aussies have been putting up with for several years now saying
"If only it were just Iraq, Prime Minister" - Click here

I think this may have got in before - but it's one for the chemists - the
elements sung to the Major General song from Pirates of Penzance - Click here

Let's say this submission arrived anonymously.  It is for deviants only.
CRUDITY ASSURED - BE WARNED!  Click here

And now to the stuff ...


  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **

First up from Hollywood Len who's just finished shooting "Money Guys" and
is busy lurking around the studios from Culver City to Burbank awaiting his
serious big break.

                     WEB ADDICTION EXCUSES CONSCRIPTS

HELSINKI, Finland (Reuters) -- A number of Finnish conscripts have been
excused their full term of military service because they are addicted to
the Internet, the Finnish Defence Forces said on Tuesday.

Doctors have found the young men miss their computers too much to cope with
their compulsory six months in the forces.

"For people who play (Internet) games all night and don't have any friends,
don't have any hobbies, to come into the army is a very big shock," said
Commander-Captain Jyrki Kivela at the military conscription unit.

"Some of (the conscripts) go to the doctor and say they can't stay. Sometimes,
the doctors have said they have an Internet addiction," Kivela said.

There are no official figures for the Internet addict dropout rate.

"They get sent home for three years and after that they have to come back
and we ask if they are OK ... they will have had time to grow up," Kivela said.

Finland called up 26,500 men in 2003, nine percent of whom were relieved of
duty for medical reasons.

However, the Internet drop-outs have not dented national pride in "sisu,"
a Finnish quality of being tough and resilient.

"We are very proud of our Finnish men. Eight-two percent of all Finnish men
manage their whole military service," Kivela said.

      **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **

   And here's a tip from Len, who says "Just came across this exercise
   suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and
   shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my
   younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week."

   Friday Humour is certainly a goldmine of wisdon and information.

                                SPUD MUSCLES

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side.

With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your
sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute,
then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks.

Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than
a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks;
but be careful.

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **

    Here's a variation on a theme from Sir Douglas Knight ...

                              LIONS LEGEND

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war zone scene in Afghanistan. In
one corner of the back ground, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away,
right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS- EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself, "He has the perfect
arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in
their history. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to
call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young
man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here
among thousands of my adoring fans.

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **

 From Minnesota Scott

                              LOST CHOPPER

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held
up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in
the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign,
and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done
it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **


   A Digi Maria selection ...

                              GOLDEN OLDIES

Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics
to accommodate their aging audience.

Herman's Hermits "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **


                       WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA??

A man walked into the ladies department store and shyly walked up to the
woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape
size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.  Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type support the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **


This weeks pics would have been from Hollywood Len, Digi Maria, UK Joe,
Allnutts, UK Smithie, Sister Carol, Digi Steve, and Wilcox from The Age.

But due to a unfortunate major outage of Bluehaze's ISP - which has only
recently been rectified - there are no pics ... Click here

[ See what I mean about the lack of honesty from Telstra. The outage for this site (bluehaze) came on at 1:30am, not 6am - and it was still broken 27 hours later. And reading whirlpool.net.au, it wasn't "10 percent affected" but more like 1 or 2 percent not affected. Bluehaze webmaster ]

I suggest any time normally spent looking at the pics could now be devoted to
checking out the glorious views at Mawson base, Antactica Click here

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **


                              A WEE STORY

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to
see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees"
to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't
help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that
she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **

                                 ALL STAND

The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided
to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my attention that
immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said
there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In
order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred. "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady
hesitate to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it
is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise."

And still not a woman stirred. Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for
the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the
name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!" And as his thunderous
tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms,
rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I have asked
for virgins to stand."

"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect this
six-month-old child to stand by herself?"


  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **


                             PAPER BUSINESS

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little
white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady
said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and
whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying,
"Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again
she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well
and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same
problem. "Now I've had it!" She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And
for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey,
you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered.

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

  **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **


                         WRONG SIDE OF THE BED

Mother Superior heard one nun say to the other, "I think she got out of the
wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A
little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who
had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with,
"Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for
our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the
wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated
look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.  Looking down the hall,
Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her
walker.  As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time
to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary.  I'm so happy to see you up and about.  I pray
God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you.  I see you got up on the
wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three
times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped
her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior.  It's just that you're wearing
Father Murphy's slippers."

      **  ***  ****  *****  ******  *******  ******  *****  ****  ***  **


  Quote of the week

    "The terrorists will not forget and stop trying to damage our
     country, ... and never will we!"

                                                      George W Bush
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[ End Friday humour ]

	

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