Friday humour - August 06, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            Gidday,
      And welcome to the brave new world of the FTA (Free Trade Agreement),
      where our Free Marketeer PM (aka little Johnny) simply can't wait to
      hitch Oz's little caboose to the US market-place.  It's a pity that
      the Great Expectations of our pickled Canberra politicians and slack
      bureaucrats aren't likely to be realised.  Even in the "good ol' USA",
      recent surveys have determined that the intelligent youth of the country
      are so pissed off with the Govt and the media that they no longer take
      any notice of what's going on.  "Disenfrachised", I think it's called
      in polite company (or "pissed off" in other circles).

      And as always of late, it won't make a scrap of difference who we vote
      for anyway (just as it won't in the U.S.) - the party policies are so
      similar that there's very little to choose from between them on the
      major issues.  Both countries now have this strong faith in the ability
      of the "market-place" to control our lives.  (Thank heavens for people
      like Michael Moore, though ... "over the top" though he may possibly be).
                             ------------------------

      Anyway, to the humour contributions for this week - and first up, it's
      over to Lee at Melb Uni for this quickie (who says "... this one's from
      an unusual source - I read it today on the freshly painted toilet wall.
      Yes - the students are back ...)"


                                      BALLS

Q. Why do mice have such small balls?
A. Because not that many of them know how to dance.
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      And then we received these from Maria of the Digi department ...
                             ------------------------

                        A TOUR OF THE WHITE HOUSE

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour
of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked
Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the
fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned
to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

                       -----=====#====#====#=====-----

                               A WOMAN'S PRAYER

    Dear Lord, I pray for
    Wisdom, to understand a man
    To Love him, to forgive him
    and Patience, for his moods
    Because Lord, if I pray for strength
    I'll just beat him to death.
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                 Next one's from Ian Watson over in the UK ...
                             ------------------------

                            THE FIRST BLONDE MALE JOKE

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
with her ... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ...
so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed, looks at me kind of sexy, and says, "Now go to town,
cowboy ... "

"So here I am."
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        Over to the South of Africa now, and our electronic friend Eric:
                             ------------------------

                                SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are
quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the
kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try
to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
do NOT go together and should be avoided:

1.  A nose ring and bifocals
2.  Spiked hair and bald spots
3.  A pierced tongue and dentures
4.  Miniskirts and support hose
5.  Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6.  Speedo's and cellulite
7.  A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8.  Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9.  Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends
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        Just before we cross over to CUB, here's one more from Maria ...
                             ------------------------

                               WHICH AIRLINE?

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to
him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight
attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up,
he leaned towards her and said, "Keeping the Air Fair?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself, she doesn't work for Virgin.

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned
towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and
scratched American Airlines off of the list.

Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f**k do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Aha!  Qantas Australia!".
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        Okay, we're nearly up to the pics and other assorted noises, but just
        before we head there - it's over to the froth and bubble factory at
        CUB and a couple of contributions from John K:
                             ------------------------


                                  LOOKING AHEAD

Two men are driving along the Western Ring Road through Sunshine when they
get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window
with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and - WHACK, the cop
smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Brimbank, mate" the pig answers. "When we pull you over, you'd
better have your licence ready when we get to your car."

"I'm very sorry" the driver says, "I'm from Darwin - I didn't know".

The pig runs a check on the guy's licence - he's clean - and gives the guy
his licence back. The pig then walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, smacks him on
the head with his maglight.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the pig.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks, rubbing his head.

"Because I just know," the pig says, "that two miles down the road, you were
gonna turn to your mate and say 'Geez, I wish that arsehole had've tried
that shit on me!'"

                       -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                               MORE BLONDE JOKES

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button?  A: Her boyfriend was
also blonde.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

Q: Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did she climb back?
A: She got lost.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: Drowns it.
Q: A bird?
A: Throws it off a cliff.
Q: A worm?
A: Buries it alive.

Q: How do you confuse a blond?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in the corner.
Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She tells you she did it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died while drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked in a box of cherries?
A: Oh, doughnut seeds.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Sit her down at a table with a piece of paper with "Turn Me Over" written
on both sides.

Q: Why did the blonde get mad at some people when she told them a joke?
A: They laughed.

Q: How do you save a blonde from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her back.
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      Now to the pics - and once again, lots of you have been busily finding
      new stuff and passing it on, starting with this collection from the
      good ol' US of A - it's Hollywood Len (and I wonder if that big break
      has surfaced yet ...) - and its:

What we're looking for: Click here Click here
Watch out! Click here
Lucky dog: Click here
                             ------------------------

      And from Brett (who's toned his stuff down after complaints, except
      now we get even more complaints that he's gone too quiet :-)

Janet the J bares ... even more: Click here
Arrr, balls: Click here
                             ------------------------

      Maria wins the multimedia prize this week for this massive collection:

Leyton's dream: Click here
Sweet thoughts: Click here
Spanner problem: Click here
Movie stuff-ups #1: Click here
Movie stuff-ups #2: Click here
Movie stuff-ups #3: Click here
Good business: Click here
Pepsi: Click here
Cuisse de Grenouille: Click here
Where've you been? Click here
Short sighted: Click here
You're sunk: Click here
PMS Diner: Click here
Bacon: Click here
Why they need men: Click here
The Romp #1: Click here
The Romp #2: Click here
The Romp #3: Click here
The Romp #4: Click here
The Romp #5: Click here
The Romp #6: Click here
Oh no ... ! Click here
Oooops: Click here
                             ------------------------

    And some honest ads we'd like to see: Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
                             ------------------------

    Plus some good stuff from our Westerly List across the Oz Nullabor:

The Morning After: Click here
Lego Spiderman: Click here
Team America - World Police: Click here
The Bear and the Rabbit: Click here
                             ------------------------

    And from Steve the LMS Harding, this amusing animated GIF ...

Evolution: Click here
                             ------------------------

    Yanai (CSIRO) sent around this great Powerpoint presentation:

Powerpoint presentation: Click here
                             ------------------------

    And Mandy found this great wedding cake pic:

The Wedding: Click here
                             ------------------------

    Kai over at rocketcat found this one ...

The latest O'Reilly internet book: Click here
                             ------------------------

  and here are a few others I noticed at the same site ...

Have me, me ... Click here
Devils alter: Click here
Long flight: Click here
Coffee table: Click here
The Neo-con White House: Click here
                             ------------------------

    The sound-bites this week are philosophical rather than funny - so once
    again, they're the sort of things you'd have trouble listening to at
    work.  Much better for accompanying a quiet weekend evening web browse!

    This first one's all about what I alluded to in my opening comments ...
    the youth of America and their current attitude to the US media.  You
    can listen via the Oz ABC if you have RealBadAudio installed on your
    computer - Click here and then click on to "Seriously Funny Politics".

    Or if you don't have any RealProblems installed, listen here via:

Seriously Funny Politics - MP3: Click here
or the (higher quality) Ogg: Click here

    On the subject of the Oz-US FTA, you can start gleaning some of the real
    truth by listening to Terry Lane's "National Interest" from Sunday Aug 1st
    Click here ... or if you wanna avoid RealPain, you can listen via

    the MP3 or Ogg on Bluehaze here:

PBS and FTA (MP3): Click here
or the (higher quality) Ogg: Click here
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       Okay - back to the type-written ASCII-type humour now, and this one
       as passed on by Mandy:
                             ------------------------

                       THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
    acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to
    sleep yet.

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from Butterworth Barbara (who reckons this is "... not funny
       but it's so real and close to my heart, I thought it would grab
       you also (if you haven't already seen it) ..."   Well, Barbara -
       it grabs me - and well said!

                     OUR COUNTRY - FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  After hearing that the state of South Australia changed its opinion and
  let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face
  covered, this is an editorial written by an Australian citizen, published
  in a newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he?  Read on, please!

                IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some
individual or their culture.

Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism
by the majority of Australians.

However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically
correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was
offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against
anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia. However, there are
a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently
some born here, need to understand.

This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to
dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our
own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This
culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials and victories
by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian,
or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society,
Learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our National Motto. This is not some Christian, right
wing, political slogan.  We adopted this motto because Christian men and
women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly
documented.  It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools.  If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the
world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you
should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy
with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how
you did things where you came from.

This is OUR COUNTRY, Our Land, and Our Lifestyle, and we will allow you every
opportunity to enjoy all this.  But once you are done complaining, whining,
and griping about our Flag, Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of
Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian
freedom, "THE RIGHT TO LEAVE".
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        And finally for the week, back over to CUB for another collection
        from John the K.  The first one's a re-run (but very good :-)
                             ------------------------

                                  NUNS PAINTING

These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man.  "Where do you want the blinds?"

                       -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                                ADAM AND EVE

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't
find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were
earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

                       -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                                  VAMPIRES

[ Rates 10 out of 10 for disgusting ]

Three vampires walk into a bar.  The first one asks the bartender for a
pint of warm blood.  The second vampire asks for a pint of lite blood.
The third asks for a cup of hot water.

As the bartender is serving the drinks, he turns to the third vampire and
says "I hope you don't think I'm rude, but I have to ask you why you only
ordered a cup of water instead of a pint blood like your mates"

The third vampire, as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used
tampon, replies: "I'm making tea."
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[ End Friday humour ]


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