Friday humour - July 30, 2004

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Well - as our Deputy Sheriff Government of Greater Oz has decided now to
attack what have always been our friends let's have a few funnies whilst
Fishnet Downer and the Man of Steel put their mouths away and cool down.

Heaps of interesting web sites have hit the Bluehaze editorial desk this week.
This lot came from Mike the Horne, Brett from Darwin, Dave Allnutts, UK
Smithie, "Bill the Bassman" from WA, Rosalie, and the Deviants also mostly
from WA.

Some funny ... some a little serious ... keep sending them in!

Bush v Kerry - Click here
Colour character test - Click here
Swat the fly Click here
The Truth about Honest Johnny Click here
Princess Tales  [WARNING - VERY RAUNCHY!] Click here
Portnoy's Complaint Click here
Dihydrogen Monoxide Click here
The Alternative English Dictionary Click here
Loopy Click here


 First up, from Fosters John at CUB:

                          THE STICK OF LIFE

A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert when their camel keeled
over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of
being rescued. Finally the priest said to the nun, 'You know, Sister, I am
about to die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about--what
a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?"

The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off
her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I
think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking
off your clothes, too?"

With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed,
"Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put
it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well, for Lord's sake!" responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it in
the damn camel and let's get out of here!"


 From SOT (Andrew - Son of the Great Man - Tony)

                          SINGING JAPANESE PLANTS

TOKYO (Reuters) - People who like talking to their plants can now enjoy a
musical accompaniment, thanks to a Japanese invention that turns petals and
leaves into amplifiers.

Called the "Flower Speaker Amplifiers", the gadget made by Let's Corp is hidden
in a vase or a potted plant and sends music at just the right frequency to
vibrate up the stems and then be converted into audible sound by the plant
as a whole.

A device such as a CD player or radio can be connected to it.

"Anywhere where you would want music naturally integrated with a natural
surrounding," said Hirohiko Okugawa, a manager at Let's, referring to
locations for the device, which he expects it to be popular for hotels and
hospital lobbies.

The inventor of the gadget, Keiji Koga, said: "We are finally able to
experience plants and flowers with all five of our natural senses."

The firm expects to begin selling the speakers by mid-August for 5,000 yen
(24.8 pounds) to 50,000 yen depending on the plant's size.

And according to Koga, music is also good for the plants, which are invigorated
by the constant musical vibes.


   From British Knickers (more tragic than funny ...)

                              PRESIDENTIAL IQs

                      HOW INTELLIGENT ARE U.S. PRESIDENTS?

In a report published Monday, the Lovenstein Institute of Scranton,
Pennsylvania, detailed its findings of a four-month study of the intelligence
quotient of President George W. Bush. Since 1973, the Lovenstein Institute
has published its research to the educational community on each new president,
which includes the famous "IQ" report among others.

There have been twelve presidents over the past 50 years, from F. D. Roosevelt
to G. W. Bush, who were rated based on:

1. Scholarly achievements 2. Writings that they produced without aid of staff
3. Their ability to speak with clarity, and 4. Several other psychological
factors which were then scored using the Swanson/Crain system of intelligence

The study determined the following IQs of each president as accurate to
within plus or minus five percent.

In chronological order of presidential term:

142 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt [D]

132 - Harry S Truman [D]

122 - Dwight David Eisenhower [R]

174 - John Fitzgerald Kennedy [D]

126 - Lyndon Baines Johnson [D]

155 - Richard Milhous Nixon [R]

121 - Gerald R. Ford [R]

175 - James Earle Carter [D]

105 - Ronald Wilson Reagan [R]

098 - George Herbert Walker Bush [R]

182 - William Jefferson Clinton [D]

091 - George Walker Bush [R]

In order of IQ score:

182 - William Jefferson Clinton [D]

175 - James Earle Carter [D]

174 - John Fitzgerald Kennedy [D]

155 - Richard Milhous Nixon [R]

147 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt [D]

132 - Harry S Truman [D]

126 - Lyndon Baines Johnson [D]

122 - Dwight David Eisenhower [R]

121 - Gerald R. Ford [R]

105 - Ronald Wilson Reagan [R]

098 - George Herbert Walker Bush [R]

091 - George Walker Bush [R]

The six Republican presidents of the past 50 years had an average IQ of
115.5, with President Nixon having the highest at 155. President George
W. Bush rated the lowest of all the Republicans with an IQ of 91.

The six Democrat presidents had IQs with an average of 156, with President
Clinton having the highest IQ, at 182. President Lyndon B. Johnson was rated
the lowest of all the Democrats with an IQ of 126.

No president other than Carter [D] has released his actual IQ (176).

Among comments made concerning the specific testing of President G. W. Bush,
his low ratings are due to his apparently difficult command of the English
language in public statements, his limited use of vocabulary [6,500 words
for Bush versus an average of 11,000 words for other presidents], his lack
of scholarly achievements other than a basic MBA, and an absence of any body
of work which could be studied on an intellectual basis.

The complete report documents the methods and procedures used to arrive
at these at these ratings, including depth of sentence structure and voice
stress confidence analysis.

"All the Presidents prior to George W. Bush had at least one book under
their belt, and most had written several white papers during their education
or early careers. Not so with President Bush," Dr. Lovenstein said. "He has
not published any works or writings, which has made it more difficult
to arrive at an assessment.  We relied more heavily on transcripts of his
unscripted public speaking."


                           HABITAT WORLD

Here's some interesting and relevant information from the magazine Habitat
World, the publication of Habitat for Humanity.  They've got the same problems
radio and TV folks have when it comes to getting permission to put low-cost
housing where they want to. They define a whole range of attitudes, some of
which we know of, and some new ones. For instance, we already know about the:

NIMBY's. The "Not In My Back Yard" crowd. These are closely followed by the:

NOTE's. "Not Over There, Either". They don't want it even in their community.
And we've heard about the:

BANANA's. "Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anyone". Not the most
tolerant crowd. These are followed by the:

CAVE's. "Citizens Against Virtually Everything". The ultimate group, though,
has to be the:

NOPE's. "Not On Planet Earth". If it will harm the environment, we don't want
it. Back on a local level, there are the:

LULU's. "Locally Unwanted Land Use". There's even the:

NUMBY's. "Not Under My Back Yard". They seek to keep dangerous or unpleasant
underground features out of their neighborhood. And there's even the:

GOOMBY's. "Get Out Of My Back Yard". These are the people who won't even
let you replace an existing facility. We've heard of some of those recently.

Now it's not ALL bad. The group we all wish we could meet and have more of
are the:

YIMBY's. "Yes, In My Back Yard". Unfortunately, these are few and far between.


  This weeks pics are from Digi Maria, Mandie M&Ms, Allnutts, Hollywood Len,
  Uni Lee, Sherwood Forest Smithie, you know who you are, and Petty, Wilcox,
  and Tanberg from The Age.

Buried alive Click here

Doggies take note Click here

Super rich guy Click here

New anti virus protection Click here

Soccer bad luck Click here Click here Click here

Spunky handyman Click here

Too much viagra Click here

Steel soldier Click here

Vindicated Click here

And the winners are ... Click here

Trendies Click here

Spanish protest Click here

Lovers bathroom Click here

Republican cheer squad Click here

Murali baseball Click here

Hear no evil Click here

Ape sex Click here

Catch of the day Click here

Flying finish Click here

Aircraft carrierette Click here

Cutting and running Click here

Personality test Click here

My new coat Click here

Kind hearted copper Click here

Macho Balletman Click here


    Now returning to the ASCII and this from Len in Beverley Hills

                             THE BRIDAL WALTZ

A Mississippi couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel
in Hot Springs for their honeymoon.

The new groom went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This
is a very special 'casion... our weddin night... and we need your BEST room
with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The redneck fellow thought about it for awhile and then replied, "No,
I guess not ... I'll just hold on to her ears 'til' she gets used to it!"


 Finally from UK Smithie


10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give
   it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his
   brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.



        (in response to Downer's 'marshmallow' attack)

 "The Spanish Government, which has made the fight against terrorism
  a clear foreign policy priority, considers these declarations
  unacceptable, especially from a friendly country like Australia."

                                                    Jose Baranano
                                                  Spanish Ambassador

 "We believe we have done what is right. It's not very diplomatic
  language, but Mr Downer is not a diplomat, he is a politician.
  We feel very hurt because we thought we were allies."

                                                 Christina Ortega
                                              Philippines Ambassador


[ End Fri humour ]

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