Friday humour - July 23, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        G'day,
     I always enjoy Davo's wry political comments in these postings, but
     unfortunately, I think politics in Oz has sunk back into the depths
     of boredom since Mark Latham was elevated to leader of the Oz Labor
     opposition!

     A couple of years ago, things were actually looking rather interesting
     in the Oz parliament when Mark called the former Liberal president Tony
     Staley (who was using crutches as a result of a car accident) a "deformed
     character".  Shortly after that came Mark's all-time classic when he
     called the Oz PM an "arselicker" for his behaviour in the United States
     (John Howard had just gone over to offer GWB Oz support for invading
     Iraq).

     Alas - there's no more such colour.  Having finally risen to the dizzy
     heights, Mark has pulled his head in and once more it's really hard
     to see much difference between the two major political parties here in Oz.

     I wish Labor would get some hard policies out.  I mean - at least Bob
     Hawke was both a great character and a great intellectual, and he went
     in *hard* with "The Clever Country" (and with *lots* of cash being made
     available in R&D funding for industry, the universities, and CSIRO).

     Way back in 1972, Gough Whitlam was even more radical of course - he not
     only abolished university fees, he even gave needy students a generous
     allowance to go with it.

     But over the past 15 years, it's become really hard to see much
     difference at all in our two major parties.  (No wonder the Greens and
     the Independents are now doing so well).  I just hope some of our more
     radical kids join the two major parties and give them a bloody good
     shake-up ... and sooner rather than later.  Because of late - it's
     just dreadful sameness, and it's boring.

     Anyway, enough of that ... to the humour.  Just a quick grab-bag this
     week, straight off the top of the in-tray.  And lots of great pics from
     the usual suspects.  First up (as we often do), let's hit the road to
     CUB and have this one from John K:
                             ------------------------

                              QUICK STRESS RELIEVERS

                               Stress Reliever # 1

Wife:  You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
       picture and the problem disappears.
Wife:  Aha - you see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yep ... I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
       there be greater than this one?"

                               Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
      lighten your burden.
Boy:  That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't really have any worries
      or troubles.
Girl: That's because we aren't married yet.

                               Stress Reliever # 3

Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
     my seat to a lady.
Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

                               Stress Reliever # 4

Wife:    "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife:    "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband: "Yes, we used night clubs."

                               Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left
you a fortune"

                               Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

                               Stress Reliever # 7

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.  "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Hey, that's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

                               Stress Reliever # 9

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

                               Stress Reliever # 10

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
  her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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          And from Ollie over at the Div of Molecular Science ...
                             ------------------------

                                DOCTOR'S ADVICE

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami.

"The material we put in our stomach is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have,
or will, eat it.

Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering
after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a man in the front row, raised his hand
and said,

"Wedding cake?"
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      Just before we head over to Brian in the UK, another one from CUB:
                             ------------------------

  The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by
  the California Dept. of Transportation's driving school (read: Saturday
  Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
   lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
   yellow traffic light?
A: The colour.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be hard to be a dickhead all day long.
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      Okay, to the UK now and another mate of Dave Rand ... Brian McNickers
                             ------------------------

              LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN REASONS GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

#10. A below par performance is considered good.

#9.  You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8.  It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7.  Foursomes are encouraged.

#6.  You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5.  Three times a day is possible.

#4.  Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3.  If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

#2.  You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

         and best of all....

#1.  If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
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     Quite a collection of pics and games and movies again this week.  First
     up, this classic link from Ian Watson, who explains ... "This is a
     poster recently released by Encams - the charity that supports the
     'Keep Britain Tidy' campaign ..."

KBT poster: Click here

     Ian also posted these over ...

Yer doin it wrong! Click here
Bear problems: Click here
Frozen love: Click here
Romantic love: Click here
Lie to me! Click here
Talk dirty to me! Click here
I love you, I ... ??  Click here
Smart girls ... Click here

                             ------------------------

     And from our Westerly list, we received this strange fishing story ...

Fishing problem: Click here
                             ------------------------

    This week, I actually found one myself - it's a new Britney song:

Britney sings it like it is: Click here
                             ------------------------

     And Eric Skeen over in SA sent these over - one game, one pic:

Save the Roo ... Click here
Moses!  Click here
                             ------------------------

     Then there was this one from Digi Steve ...
Friday wish! Click here
                             ------------------------

     And this horny (as in X-rated) low-res contribution from Brett ...
Cameron'll be pee'd off: Click here
                             ------------------------

     After many long months in hiding, Trevor (also still in SA) collected
     these for us and mailed them over ...

Bike fun: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Camping out: Click here
Football fun: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Moto Cross: Click here
Nice song: Click here
                             ------------------------

     And some more nice stuff from Maria of the Digi place.  This first one
     is all about our newest airline in Oz - Jetstar - who have just
     announced ...

Free Travel For Children: Click here
A Mexican wave:  Click here

     And this novel door bell:
Push me! Click here
                             ------------------------

     John Sanderson sent these over ...

Men At Work at Wimbledon: Click here
Magical Table Tennis: Click here
                             ------------------------


     And M&M Mandy passed these on for your end-of-week amusement ...

Baygon's good!  Click here

     Plus these shots of the latest Denny's burger ...

Denny's Burger - Click here Click here Click here Click here
                             ------------------------

     Finally, Biggus forwarded this collection over.  First up, a new hair
     tonic that's been found on sale up in Swan Hill, Victoria (Oz) ...

Shampoo: Click here Click here

     And also these ...

Restroom: Click here

     Plus these examples of high speed photography ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

     And finally from Biggus ...

See what economists really do all day: Click here
"It is not your fate to be a fly-swat."--Nietzsche  Click here
Dodge 'em! (Move the red block to avoid the blue blocks) Click here
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       Okay, back to the written stuff to finish off - and this quickie
       from Maria the Harding person, who adds "Sometimes the jokes get
       rather weak ..."
                             ------------------------

Q: What do Winnie the Poo and John the Baptist have in common?


   Hmmm ... ?

   Now don't peek ...


   Got it yet?


   Okay ...


A: They have the same middle name!
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      And another contribution from Eric Skeen over in South Africa - who
      has his own web page, BTW - Click here - another cute dog story ...

                             ------------------------

                        JASPER AND THE UNBAKED YEAST ROLLS

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper.  He came to us in the summer of
2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.  For those of you who are unfamiliar
with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you
know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies.  He will only sleep
on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get
without actually performing a French kiss on me.  Lest you think this is a
bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every
means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom
for several nights.  The new door cost over $200.  But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house.  Although the cost of the project
is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking
Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like
more than family most of the time.  I was assigned the task of preparing 124
of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so
quickly.  It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked,
thus the assignment.  I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening
to reheat Thurs am.  Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine
the odor.  Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint
#586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise
for 5 hours.  After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning
in about an hour..  An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM.  When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much
to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty.  I called out to Jasper
and my worst nightmare became a reality.  He literally wobbled over to me.
He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin
Tire man wrapped up in fur.  He groaned when he walked.  I swear even his
cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet.  After a few seconds of uproarious
laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give
him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.  God only knows
why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when
they were sick.  Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog
was black, white and pink.  He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the
bed for the night.  Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning
was very stupid on my part.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve
himself.  Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave.
He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when
he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half
was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the
same time.  When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't
stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.  His pupils were
dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon.  I endured another few seconds of
laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained
that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.
He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would
wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took
him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.
My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive).
Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from
the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I
say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP.
These burps were pure Old Charter.  They would have matched or beat any
smell in a drunk tank at the police station.  But that's not the worst of it.
Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls.  God strike
me dead if I am not telling the truth!  We endured this for the entire trip
to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we
finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day.  The dog
was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to
the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's
latest endeavor to walk without running into something.  Of course, as the
old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls,
you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's
digestive system is quite different from yours or mine.  I discovered this was
a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.  Having discovered
his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could
hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part..  The blast of water from the
hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast
from the hose.  It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to remove it with a shovel.  I (obviously no one else was
going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse
brush to get the remnants off of the floor.  And as if this wasn't degrading
enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and
left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and
dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's
sister's house.  I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is
back to normal both in size and temperament.  He has had a bath and is no
longer tricolor.  None the worse for wear I presume.  I am also happy to
report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden
inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided
hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.  Now, I'm doing research
on the computer as to:

"How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."

(And how was your day?)
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      One more from John K (the other half of Jenny Al) over at CUB ...
                             ------------------------

                      MODERN VERSION OF WHERE BABIES COME FROM

SON: "Dad, where did I come from?"

DAD: "Okay son ... I guess we had to have this conversation one day."

"Your mum and I met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with her
and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then your mum did some
downloads from dads memory stick, and when dad was ready to upload, we
discovered that there was no firewall.  Seeing that it was a bit too late
to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload."

"Nine months later, the damn virus appeared."
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      And lastly of awlly, another one from John Sanderson.  We have had
      this one once before (as in - 5 years ago), but it's good ...
                             ------------------------

                         THE MAGIC OF ANALOGUE TELEPHONY


An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it
did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled
the subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
   and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling voltage when the phone number
   was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate
   on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would improve the circuit, thus allowing the phone to ring.

(Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning)
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[ End Friday humour ]


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