Friday humour - July 16, 2004

     From Davo at bluehaze:

   G'day - How'ya going?

  When inserting jam up a lady's nostrils, the considerate gentleman always
  warms the spoon.  Or so it is according to Gentlemen's Etiquette which
  follows ...

  Here are some interesting web sites for the week courtesy of UK Smithie
  and Martin Leahy: Click here Click here Click here

  Interestingly I've just learned that Alan (Smithie) lives in a village called
  Edwinstowe, in the middle of Sherwood Forest, where legend has it that Robin
  Hood married Maid Marian in the local church. He's about half a mile from
  the Major Oak, the famous tree in which Robin hid from the authorities.
  Alan says "I'm allergic to rap music, my pet hate is people who eat with
  their mouth open, and people who talk with their brain shut."

  We are fortunate to get stuff from the the four corners of this crazy planet.

  Now to the textual funny farm.
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

 First up from British McNickers

                                 MAKE MY DAY

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with
his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, okay ..."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree.
With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet,
jewellry, car keys, then strips his arse naked and leaves.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to
the tree stark-arse naked and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling
his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him,
kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain't gonna be your day."
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

 A selection from UK Smithie

                               WOMAN WATCH

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out!!

They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due their state
they find themselves desperate for a pee.  At this moment they are passing a
church and decide to relieve themselves behind the headstones in the graveyard.

As they finish they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with so
the first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away.  The second
woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to loose them, but
then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst
which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon. "Just the job" she
decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the
ribbon to dry herself.  Their task completed the women continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second
woman, " We need to keep an eye on our wives.  Mine came home with no knickers
on last night!"

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband " My wife came
home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, We'll never forget
you - from all the lads at the Fire Station".
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

             An article from The (Gallatin) News Examiner

GALLATIN - Did ''the big bad wolf'' kidnap Mary and Bobby Romines' swine?

That's what police here are investigating.

On Tuesday, the Romineses received a ransom letter that was signed ''the big
bad wolf.''

''They think they have me buffaloed, but now I'm mad,'' Mary Romines said of
the ''pignappers.''

''They may think it's funny, but they're going to be charged with theft.''

Police Chief John Tisdale said once his department catches the kidnapper, the
responsible person will be charged.

Two concrete porkers, each about 1 foot tall, were taken from the Romineses'
yard sometime between June 26 and the early morning hours of June 27, according
to police records.

The first ransom note demanded two ears of corn and one ripe mango, said
police spokeswoman Kate Novitsky.

Mary Romines found the ransom note tacked to the front gate of their home in
A and L Trailer Park.  Her husband, Bobby Romines, called police.

The note requested that Mary Romines deliver the ransom at the front gate of
the mobile home park.

Mary Romines just wants the pigs returned unharmed, she said.

The pig statues were taken from her front yard, around a birdbath and beneath
an arch surrounded by other cement swine brethren and chickens.

The chickens were moved but not stolen.

''The other pigs were dusted with negative results,'' said a Gallatin police

''The (ransom) letter will be sent to T. B. I. for processing for (fingerprint)
lifts,'' the report states.

One pig is presumably male, sporting blue overalls, while the other is
presumably female, decked out in a pink dress.

The pigs are valued at $10 each.

On Monday, the Romineses received a cooked pork chop with a note that said,
''cooked the pig.''

Tuesday night, the ''pignappers'' left the Romineses another letter, this
time attached to a bag of pork rinds asking if she was scared.  The letter
demanded a potato, and the note was signed from ''the big bad wolf.''

''Pigs can be replaced,'' said Mary Romines.

''It's the letters that are unnerving.''
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

                              GENTLEMEN'S ETIQUETTE

Being a brief summary of matters of convention to be observed by all men of
character.  It is sad to note that we appear to live in an age of impropriety,
boorishness and general discourtesy.  That the greater portion of mankind
has descended to the level of the loutish mob is deeply regrettable.  Drunken
lasciviousness, rampant hedonism and unconscionable carnality may be fun, oh
yes, but can we really respect ourselves in the morning? There are certain
standards and protocols that have become lost to us in this modern era of
underage drinking, split crotch panties and salt and vinegar flavoured peanuts.
I propose a return to these ideals, and to this end I would like to submit
the following: examples of etiquette copied from a dated volume found whilst
clearing out my grandfather's study.  My hope is that society may be encouraged
to readopt these principals, and that we may all be the better for it.

A gentleman must never expose his penis before 4.30pm.

When late for a meeting it is considered polite to arrive dressed as a spaceman
and riding a pig or small donkey.

People who live in odd numbered houses should retire to bed early on the
third Tuesday in every month.

When inserting jam up a lady's nostrils, the considerate gentleman always
warms the spoon.

Trousers should always be worn below the waist.

In the summer months, when it is excessively hot, a gentlemen may be excused
a collar, but it is still considered extremely discourteous for him to roll
up his carpets.

Widdling in your young niece's soup is not a sign of familial affection.

When being slapped silly by an elderly aunt, it is considered sporting to
let her have two or three good swings at you before you smack her in the mouth.

Audible farts should never be applauded, unless accompanied by a chorus of
the national anthem.

Wind instruments should never be given on the occasion of an engagement,
although a trumpet makes a perfectly adequate gift for a 21st birthday.

It is customary to seek the advice of a bishop before suspending a woman by
her nipples.

It is the height of bad manners to light one's cigar from a burning hat.

A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress.

At dinner parties it is considered impolite to sit in the middle of the table,
stark bollock naked, ladling soup over oneself and whistling 'Land of Hope
and Glory'.  This sort of behaviour should be confined to the gentleman's club.

A gentleman never wears his hat in the bath.

Whilst abroad, a gentleman should never go swimming without a tie.

It is perfectly acceptable for a gentleman to headbut unruly children in the
absence of their parents.

It is discourteous to belch in a built-up area after 7pm.

When meeting a lady for the first time, a gentleman's head should remain
attached to his body at all times.

Decapitation should be reserved for subsequent assignations, and then only
when a close relative is in attendance to act as chaperone.

A respectable gent would never attend a lunch engagement wearing a chicken
on his head.  Such arrant tomfoolery is not tolerated by polite society,
and it is not something that the chicken particularly looks forward to either.

Never eat lemons on a Saturday.

Ramming a snooker cue up your sister-in-law's nose is frowned upon in most
parts of Greater Manchester.

In most cheap brothels it is customary to pass the floozy to the right.
... and finally

Generally speaking, it is not considered suitable for a man of ambition to
spend twenty years of his life sitting in a shed at the bottom of his garden,
learning to lick his own elbows.  So cut it out, okay?
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

 From Hollywood Len


You May Not Know That Many Non-Living Things Have A Gender:

For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again.  It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female......  Ha! You thought it'd be male.  But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

 Another from Smithie

                               A. A. A. D. D.

Recently I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.  This is how it manifests itself.

I decided to wash my car.  As I started toward the garage, I notice that
there is mail on the hall table, I decide to go through the mail before I
wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under
the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first
but then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.  I take my chequebook off
the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.  My extra cheques are
in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of coke that
I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so
that I don't accidently knock it over, I see that the coke is getting warm,
and I decide I should put it in the refridgerator to keep it cold.  As I
head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase on the counter catches my eye -
they need to be watered.  I set the coke down on the counter, and discover
my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.  I decide I had
better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers,
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly I spot the TV remote control, someone left it on the kitchen
table.  I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking
for it but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table.  So I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers,
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.  So I
set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there
is a warm can of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my chequebook, I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! And if I've sent
you this before - now you know why you are getting it again.
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

 From Stephanie

                         Cute One Liners

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?.........  Juan on Juan.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?....... The position of
the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? ....... Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? ....... Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together? ...... 100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?..... A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? ....... Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?.... About 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? .... About 45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?..... None, they just sit
there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? ....... Through his chest with a
sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking? ..... Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?..... After a year,
the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? ..... The same
urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?... The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?...... A porcupine has the
pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?..... "Are you
sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?..... Beer Nuts are $2,
and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?..... Everyone there has
the same DNA.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? ..... He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?..... Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the
Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem? ......"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?..... A different bar.

What would you call it when a Frenchman has one arm shorter than the
other?..... A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast? ..... They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? ..... A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along
with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?....... Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
tale? ...... A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?....... No one's tall enough to go on
the good rides.
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

  This weeks pics are from Uni Lee, UK Smithie, Allnutts, Sir Douglas, Digi
  Steve, Mandie M&Ms, Deanna, Snowfields Beryl, Digi Steve, Moir from the Sydney
  Morning Herald, and Wilcox and Leunig from The Age.

Fatima's ID Click here

Greek car wash Click here

Soccer daze Click here Click here Click here

Man's toy Click here

Cheney daze Click here

Saddam's jury Click here

Good old daze Click here

Always restrained Click here

Glad we came? Click here

Nice paint job Click here

Keep your hat on Click here

Happy daze  Click here

Gone with the wind Click here

Wrong way - go back Click here

Lunatics ahead Click here

Favourite player Click here

Fallen woman Click here

Stages Click here

My new coat Click here

Don't Worry Be Happy Click here

So shall you reap Click here

Joint statement Click here

CNNNN discovers Americans support war on Kyrgyzstan, 'wherever it may be' Click here
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

  A submission from Mad Mick from Marwick

  btw - Mad Mick is cousin of the great Dr Rand of Battery fame.  His other
  cousin, Nick, has just left the Nick (UK Police) and joined our list.
  Hopefully he'll mail in some funny stuff soon.

                             A VARIETY OF SIGNS



In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS




Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR




   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

 The Fosters John assortment from CUB's B1 Bottling Line

                          LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON

Did you hear about the trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the
top of a steep hill.  He was just starting down the equally steep other
side when he noticed a man and a woman making love in the center of the
highway? He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Realising that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front
of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road and yelled, 'What
the hells the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You
could've been killed!'

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too conceded looked up
and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming.  You were
the only one with brakes.'
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___  ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

                           REAL LIFE CYBER SEX

On-line computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cyber
sex."Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet
phone lines get pretty raunchy.  However, as you'll see below, one of the two
cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an on-line chat doesn't seem to
quite get the point of cyber sex.  Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart.  What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.  My measurements are 36-24-36.
What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.  I wear glasses and I have on a pair
of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.  I'm also wearing a T-shirt
with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.  Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.  There's soft music playing on the stereo and
candles on my dresser and night table.  I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge,
swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.  My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.  The cool silk slides off
my warm skin.  I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in
your blouse.  I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.  I'm wearing a lacy black bra.  My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.  I think it's stuck.
Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.  I'm reaching back undoing
the clasp.  The bra slides off my body.  The air caresses my breast.
My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back.  Oh baby.  I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra.  Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.  Now I'm nibbling
your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze.  Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains ofmy blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.  I drop it witha plop

Sweetheart: OK.  I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman.  Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt.  Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties.  My tongue is going all over, in and
out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.  I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit.  I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.  I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup.  Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water.  There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup.  Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom.  Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants.  I'm moaning.  I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off.  I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies
pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face.  It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.  I place the glasses
on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed.  Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee.  I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark.  I'm feeling around for the toilet.
I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going.  I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it.  Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.  Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling myway.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes.  Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know ... thing... in your... you
know... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt.  It feels so nice.  I kiss your neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning.  I can't standit
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp.  I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind.  I'm getting dressed.  I'm putting on my underwear.
Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse.  Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses.  I'm putting them on.  My God! One of your
candles fell on the curtain.  The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it,
a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell.  I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off

   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

 Quote of the Week

  "Today, because America has acted and because America has led, the
   forces of terror and tyranny have suffered defeat after defeat,
   and America and the world are safer,"

                                       George W Bush
                          President of the United States of America

       [ It would seem the W must stand for Wanker.   - Ed ]
   ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
                               the end

       Send your funny stuff to fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au

[ End Fri humour ]

 Previous (July 09, 2004)  Index Next (July 23, 2004)