Friday humour - July 09, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Gidday,
     We received lotsa pics and things at the last minute this week, so
     thanks to y'all for those (see about half-way down).

     Onto the humour, and first up again this week, it's over to CUB and
     John K with this variation on an oldie - followed by a collection of
     blonde-coloured one-liners ...
                               --------------------

              CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
 
Name: ____________________
 
Gang: ____________________
 
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. lf the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to
steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If
he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?

                       -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                           MORE BLONDE ONE-LINERS

Why did the blonde keep an empty carton of milk in the fridge?
In case she wanted black coffee.

What does a blonde and a computer have in common?
You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.

How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear.

What is the similarity between a smart blonde, Santa and the tooth fairy?
They are all make believe.

What is the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoe's off before you get on a trampoline.

Why don't blondes like vibrators?
It's hard on their teeth.

What is the difference between a blonde and the Panama canal?
One has a busy ditch.

What do you call a blonde with a half brain?
Gifted.

What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?
A thought

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Red means stop.

What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the
national anthem are?
Play ball.

How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

What is the smallest book in the world?
"The Mind of a Blonde".

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... blondes will screw anything.

How does a blonde take a bubble bath?
She eats beans for dinner.

What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?
Bonds mature, blondes don't.

How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied?
Who cares.

How are blondes and parking spaces alike?
All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Over to South Africa now and another dog-cat joke from Eric:
                          ----------------------

                          TO THE DOG AND THE CAT

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other
dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food &
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me
to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.  I am very sorry about this.
Do you think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort?
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping.  They can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible.  (I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!  It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door ...

          TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS

1. They live here ... you don't!

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal.  To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids.  They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, and don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a ga-sillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant,
you can sell the results.

Pass this on to all your pet-loving friends, as well as those who aren't.
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                And another one from John over at CUB ...
                          ----------------------
 
                                  TRUE GREEK
 
      You know you are a true Greek when:
 
1) You respond to Reh or Mori.
 
2) You consider a komboloi to be a stress reliever.
 
3) Your parents believe that there is a conspiracy behind everything.
 
4) Your mother gets vicious on Jehovah's Witnesses.
 
7) You have been so bored in church that you have imagined being Luke
   Skywalker with your labatha and that the priest was Darth Vader.

8) Fakkes help fuel up your house in the winter.

9) Your luggage smells like: oregano, ouzo, figs, kefalotiri, loukoumiaetc.
   It is also wrapped with string.

11) Survivor and Big Brother are a joke after having spent a summer inthe
    Horio (Village).

12) You know that there is no mouthwash or toothpaste strong enough to
    conquer tzatziki.

13) You know that in Greece taxi driver means tour guide.

14) Your family argues over: Pasok vs. Nea Demokratia, Olympiakos
    vs.Panathinaikos, sheep vs. goats, feta vs.kefalotiri, and land vs.money,
    etc.

15) The closest you have come to winning the lottery is finding the coin in
    the Vasilopita.

16) You know that the term "Car Pool" in Greece means 3 on a donkey.

17) Somebody calls out your name at a family gathering and 5 people respond.

18) Your father still has Greek 8-Track tapes and a player.

19) Your parents know "Horiatika Martial Arts" (village-like) they are
    trained with such moves as: the "traditional skabeelee" (smack),
    the always dangerous"anapodi" (upside down), the "sto dialo sfaliara"
    (the devil's smack/hit) and the torture techniques which involve the
    pulling of the ears or sideburns.

20) Your parents are also trained to use weapons such as: The "kolo killing
    koutala" (bum-killing-spoon) the "flying pandofla" (slipper), the "lethal
    loureeda" (belt) and let's not forget a classic: The "vicious verga".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


             And then there was this alcoholic limerick from Oli ...
                          ----------------------

                     STARKLE STARKLE LITTLE TWINK

   Starkle, starkle, little twink,
   Who the hell you are I think.
   I'm not under what they call
   The alcofluence of incohol.

   I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
   I'm just a little slort of sheep.
   Tee martoonis make a guy
   Fool so feelish, don't know why.

   Rally don't know who's me yet
   The drunker I stay the longer I get
   So just one more to full my cup,
   I've all day sober to Sunday up!
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    To the pics now - and first up, from Hollywood Len, this cute one:
 
Fireworks over New York: Click here
                          ----------------------

    And from Martin Leahy, we recently received ...

Hide your stash: Click here
                          ----------------------

    Brett the Valentine sent these over at various recent times:

Stunning (a 2 Mb PPS): Click here
Wanna lift?  Click here
Your prison bitch name: Click here
                          ----------------------

    And from Maria of the Digi place, these came out at various times:

Oh gosh Click here
Living with blondes: Click here
The sign painter: Click here
Save paper: Click here
Escalator: Click here
Jackass #1: Click here
Jackass #2: Click here
Jackass #3: Click here
Jackass #4: Click here
Pig: Click here
                          ----------------------

             And a quickie from over at Melb Uni (Lee):

When men were actually useful: Click here
                          ----------------------

                  Steve the Harding (Mr Digi) passed these on:

Bad veggies? Click here
The secret of longevity: Click here
                          ----------------------

        Plus a collection from Biggus, no less.  We've heard the audio
        for this first one, but this version comes with pics for the
        audibly challenged (like me):

Camel Toe song: Click here
Well, f_ck you: Click here

   and if you have "resize to fit window" selected in your web broswer,
   you'll have trouble seeing this one:

Women's carpark: Click here
Man of the year: Click here
                          ----------------------

        Andrew Smith found this wonderful mouse pad (and people have asked
        me where to buy it ...)

Ergo mouse pad: Click here
                          ----------------------

        And John Kilowatts passed this on.  He's lately taken up fishing,
        and regularly catches some good stuff with his mate Sam.  Having
        caught a couple of big ones last week, he grabbed a pic of them
        to show his wife.  But to John's amazement, she hit him over the
        head with his bike pump and told him to go back to bike riding ...

John's great catch: Click here
                          ----------------------

        Mandy passed this lot on just in the nick of time ...

Harry Potter: Click here
Power of beer: Click here
My new coat: Click here
De Niro skit (we've had this one before, but it's good): Click here
Danier Leather ad: Click here
Jackass #5: Click here

        And from Olivine of the Mol and the Forest over yonder, we have:

Test your mind - what do you see?  Click here
                          ----------------------

        The only audio item I've organised for this week is from the latest
        Radio National "All in the mind" program.  It's a bit of fun with
        brain waves and other data and their conversion into music.  You
        can listen to via the ABC's web site if you have the dreaded Real
        Player infesting your PC - Click here for that version.

        Otherwise, here's an MP3 or an Ogg version (and interestingly, one
        of the compositions you'll hear comes from John Sanderson and Tom
        Heuzenroeder, occasional contributors to these pages).  And apologies
        for the phasing artifcacts on these (13Mb) encodings:

All in the mind: Listening to the mind listening (with Natasha Mitchell):
MP3: Click here or the better sounding Ogg (good to 15KHz): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Next, something more from Brett Valentine - textual this time:
                          ----------------------

                                DEAR ALCOHOL

  Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many
dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch
upon shortly).Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The
perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in
the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your
intentions While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart,
I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences briefed below
for your review.

1.    Phone calls:
  While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2am.

2.    Eating:
 Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my Specialty
why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot
noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate milk and topped
off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)
is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3.    Clumsiness:
  Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more
than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4.    Pictures:
 This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last Point
below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my
head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down
cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5.    Beer Goggles:
  If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not.
Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may
be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop
this thought from becoming a Statement, especially in public.

6.  Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance
for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday
or Sunday (or any day for that matter)activities.

Come on now, it's only fair you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have
enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we
remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation
for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do
with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask
that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

  Thank you,

     Your biggest fan ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And to wind things up for this week (if you're still with us), a
        couple more from the froth and bubble factory - John at CUB:
                          ----------------------

         SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL
 
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel
to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies from
a well known educational institution and represent a cross-section of test
data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations as
well as the soundness of each decision selected.

There are 8 multiple choice questions. Read each question thoroughly.
Place an "X" by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the
circumstances given. Be prepared to justify your decision.

You have 4 minutes.  Do not turn this page until told to do so.

(1) You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of purchasing
    of your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean
    increasing your sales to his company by 200%. In the middle of your
    proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and spits into
    your coffee.

    You:
(a) Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
(b) Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases.
(c) Take a leak in his "out" basket.

(2) You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could
    be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks
    into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's
    attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you
    had her alone in your motel. She walks over to the table and introduces
    herself as your client's daughter.

    Your next move is to:
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.
 
(3) You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in
    the plushiest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg
    salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your
    sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing
    manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out.

    What you should do next is:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point out their chief executive and accuse him of the offence.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
 
(4) You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
    uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.

    Remembering this is definitely a no-no, you:
(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion,
    bury your finger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk and organise a nose picking contest with a prize
    to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
    blow your nose on your sock.
 
(5) You've just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an
    all night boilermaker drinking party. You get home just in time to go
    to work. You stagger to the men's room and spend the next half hour
    vomiting. As you're washing up at the sink, the sales training director
    walks up, blows cigar smoke in your face, and asks you to join him for
    a drink after work.

    You:
(a) Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent
    at the front of his Hart Schaffner & Marx suit.
(b) Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact that he'll never
    recognise your green face.
(c) Grasp his hand and pump it till he wets in his pants.
 
(6) You are at dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks like the
    regional runner-up in the Lassie look-a-like contest. Halfway through
    dinner you feel a hand on your lap. If you are resourceful, you will:

(a) Accidentally spill hot coffee in your lap.
(b) Slip a note to the waiter to have your customer paged and see if the
    hand goes away when he does.
(c) Excuse yourself and go to the men's room. If he follows, don't come
    out until you have a signed order.
 
7)  You're on your way to see your best account when your zipper breaks
    and you discover that you forgot to put on your underpants that morning.

    You decide to:
(a) Call on the customer's secretary instead.
(b) Explain that you were just trolling for queers.
(c) Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground .
 
(8) You've just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
    and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
    there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.

    You:
(a) Ask what position she played.
(b) Ask if she's still working the streets.
(c) Pretend you're suffering amnesia and don't remember your own name.

                       -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                        MEMORIES OF PRESIDENT CLINTON 

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining,
the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground .

He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White
House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in
the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells
them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells
him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.

"Okay," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news,
and then the real bad news."

The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know
who the culprit is."

Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice
President Gore."

This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the
Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And what would FH be without Davo's quote of the week:
                          ----------------------

   "What's confusing to me is how someone like John Howard can get in bed
   with George W Bush.  He at least appears to have half a brain ... It's
   really disgraceful."

          Michael Moore,
             US filmmaker - Producer of 'Fahrenheit 9/11'
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[ End Friday humour ]

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