Friday humour - July 02, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:

G'day

Here we all are freezing to death at the arse-end of the world ... as our
good ex-PM Keating once said.  Time for some funnies.

Here's a wee conglomeration of interesting web sites sent in by Alistair
(Tony's Scottish nephew), Florida Donn, UK Smithie, and David the T.  Open
them at your own risk!  Click here Click here Click here Click here

Check out the badges on the Bush site and other fascinating tid bits.

It seems the latest Oz expression is "vagina tease".  This is one of Ashalea's
favourite sayings in the current Big Brother house.  Perhaps she's dreaming
of the Man of Steel ...

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 First up from Al pal UK Smithie

                           IN THE BEGINNING ...

In the beginning... God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy
Kreme.

And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said: "Yes!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one too, with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane,
and combined them.

And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try ! my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster
chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those
extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started
wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"

And Satan said: "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then... Satan chuckled........ and created HMOs.

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 Finance guru Howard has submitted this lot ...


Recently Friday Humour had a quiz, where statements were made which were
said to be wrong, and people were asked for the correct answer.

One claimed that Kiwi fruit came from New Zealand.

I know this personally to be incorrect, as I remember when I was travelling in
NZ some years ago, and read an item in a newspaper, about a NZ agricultural
scientist who was going to China to learn about improving the growing
and production of Chinese Gooseberries, aka Kiwi Fruit. Unfortunately,
I didn't keep the article. So when I saw Friday Humour, it was evident
a correction was necessary. Thanks then to Lisa Thomas at Clayton, a recent
visitor to the land of the Kiwi- bird that is, not fruit, for the definition
below, from Websters Online Dictionary.

                              CHINESE GOOSEBERRY

  Noun
1. Climbing vine native to China; cultivated in New Zealand for its fuzzy
edible fruit with green meat.

2. Fuzzy brown egg-shaped fruit with slightly tart green flesh.

Available at: Chinese Gooseberry Click here


                                QUOTABLE QUOTES

From the ABC Radio National AM program, where they ask a question around 7am,
and give the answer about half an hour later.

Who said:

a   We not retreating, we are just advancing in a different direction

b   Don't be so humble, you're not famous enough

                                 ???

a   General Douglas MacArthur

b   Former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Mier

From the recently published book A Bastard of a Place, by Peter Brune, which
gives the story of Australian forces in Papua New Guinea in World War 2,
successfully turning back the Japanese on land, and probably saving Australia
from invasion. Quotes found courtesy of my 11 year old son, Nicholas.

The Australians are retreating to victory, the Japanese are advancing
to defeat.

General William Blamey, commander of Australian forces.

However, Blamey was not blameless!

He later said to his troops "Rabbits that run get shot"

Considering that the Australians were outnumbered 10 to 1 early on, the
latter comment could be regarded as a trifle unwarranted.

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 More from Smithie

                       POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS

Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

Fat: Horizontally challenged.

Fail: Achieve a deficiency.

Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

Worst: Least best.

Wrong: Differently logical.

Ugly: Cosmetically different.

Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

Short: Vertically challanged.

Dead: Living impaired.

Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Spendthrift: Negative saver.

Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.

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                             HEE HAWS IN ARKANSAS

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel? When you call
the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies,
"Go ahead."

How can you tell if a Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere
else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver,
"Got any I. D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?  The winner gets
$3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the
whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up
in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them!

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced,
they are STILL cousins.

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender
looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a
tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says, "I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar: "It's okay, boys -
he's one of us!"

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BTW ... one of our contributers, Mad Mick, has a very interesting and
impressive signature file which is reproduced here.

(I've altered and added to it a little to protect his privacy and increase
his wide raunchy reputation.)

Mad Mick
17, Markwick Close, Kington, Herefordshire HR5 3UE
01544 231123-home; 01544 231123-office
MichaelRand@markwick16.ftbusiness.co.uk
Company Secretary: Marches Credit Union Ltd.
Company Secretary; Kington Area Regeneration Group Ltd.
Company Secretary; Kington Vintage Club Ltd.
Secretary of The Mid-Wales Forum of Credit Unions
Secretary of The Kington Health and Social Care Project Group
Secretary of Kington Physically Handicapped and Blind Club
Co-ordinator of the Kington Area Debt Redemption Scheme
Chair of the Welsh Credit Union Grant Board
Managing Director of the Mad Marwick Hot and Tasty Swingers Club
Member of the Wales Co-operative Centre Ltd.
Steering Group Volunteer at the Kington Connected Community Company Ltd.

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  From Minnesota Scott

                             SENSIBLE DIET

Can't eat beef: Mad Cow Disease

Can't eat chicken: Bird Flu

Can't eat eggs: Salmonella

Can't eat pork: Trichinosis

Can't eat fish: Heavy metals in waters have polluted their flesh

Can't eat fruits and veggies: Insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm ...

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!

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To the pics now and they're from Unilever Joe, UK Smithie, Digi Maria,
Allnutts, Digi Steve, UniLee, Leunig from The Age, and you know who you are.

Finger painting Click here

Hargreave's characters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Mixed assortment
 Click here

Misinformation Click here

When men were useful Click here

Hunky bank notes
 Click here Click here

Big brother? Click here

Penalties Click here

Silicone Valley Click here

New flavour Click here

Coalition of the wankers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Secure parking Click here

Cheap land deals! Click here

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 Here's a selection from Fosters John over at CUB

                               TURBULENCE

On an airplane were three notable gentlemen: a priest, a hunter, and a general
in the army. The flight was going perfectly until the plane hit some terrible
turbulence and began shaking wildly. In the turmoil, the plane's door flew
open, and each man dropped an item, which was instantly sucked out of the
plane. The priest lost a small brass cross, the hunter lost a knife, and
the general lost a grenade.

Later on, a young girl was found crying in the street. A man passing by asked,
"What's the matter, sweetie?" The girl replied, "A cross fell out of the
sky and killed my cat!"

"Boy, that really sucks!"

A young boy was found crying. A woman passing asked, "What's the matter?"

He fought back tears and said, "A knife fell out of the sky and killed
my mother!"

"Oh God! That's horrible!"

Another small boy was found laughing uncontrollably. A man asked him,
"What's so darned funny?"

When the boy finally got control of himself, he replied, "I farted and my
house exploded!"

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                         SUING THEIR PANTS OFF

Young Kev called a local law firm and asked, "Is it true they're suing the
cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Kevvy, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true,
mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Kev"

"And the lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was given the hot coffee
that she had ordered?"

"Yep."

"And the football player sued the university when he graduated and still
couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin', can I sue Bundaberg Rum for
all the ugly women I've slept with?"

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 Another quickie from Lee at Melbourne Uni

                             MAN OF STEEL

A Public Servant, on his way home from work through Canberra traffic came
to a dead halt and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,
So he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his
motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself
on fire.

He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or
the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help
anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The Public Servant asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies,
"About 20 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

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 Finally from Allnutts

                               BIG DATE

To prepare for his big date the young man went on top of the roof of his
apartment building in order to get a little color for himself.

Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately he fell asleep while on the roof and sunburned his Johnson.

Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date, because
it was a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it
in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated
her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to
watch a movie.

During the movie, however the young man's sunburn started acting up.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain
so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall cold glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate
relief.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen
to find him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed ...

"So that's how you load those things."

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Quote of the Week

 "I am Saddam Hussein al-Majid, President of the Republic of Iraq."

    - Saddam Hussein al-Majid, ex-President of the Republic of Iraq
                                                       July 1, 2004


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[ End Fri humour ]

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