Friday humour - June 25, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            And g'day,
     Well, as Davo said - thar goes the Solstice, and it is getting chilly
     down in Oz.  The real worry, though, is this ongoing drought.  Remember
     that theory about the effect of the Antarctic vortex?  Here's the ABC
     (Oz) report if you've missed this one: Click here

     Here in Melbourne, we used to curse the rain - with all those jokes
     about our "miserable wet weekends" - but they seem to be more and more
     a thing of the past.  One recent bit of research even suggests that by
     the year 2070, there'll be no useful skiing snow left in Australia -
     Click here - because the snow line is moving up by around 6 metres

     a year.

     And a brief bit of housekeeping before we hit the jokes - when I said
     this week that I would "turn the FH list off until I find out how
     these spam mails are getting though", I didn't mean we were killing
     off the humour mailouts!  The "list" is only used for 5 minutes a week,
     when Davo and I do the mailout, so I can easily leave it "off" at other
     times - and that should definitely prevent the abuse for now.

     Okay - to the jokes, and first up this week, a couple from Digi Maria:
                           -----------------------


                  IS DUCT TAPE GOOD FOR FIXING EVERYTHING?

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks
over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to
ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yep," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask
her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "So when are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get
an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if
I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it
in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And - what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

                      -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                                     TRAP!

A large group of French soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Soldier is better
than ten Frenchmen!"

The French commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Soldier is better than
one hundred Frenchmen!"

Furious, the French commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence. The American voice calls out again "One United States Soldier is
better than one thousand Frenchmen!"

The enraged French Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine guns ring out as a huge battle
is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded French fighter crawls back
over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any
more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!"
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         Mad Mick from Markwick (UK) has finally surfaced again, and he's
         trotted out this one:
                           -----------------------

                             SOME MORE ONE LINERS

* Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new
  book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People"

* Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

* The difference between the Pope and your boss:  The Pope only expects you
  to kiss his ring.

* My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large
  rubbish bin.

* The blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
  I was relieved when he told me all I needed was indicator-signal fluid."

* I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
  He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

* My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was,
  and I found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
  rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,
  "Will? What Will?  I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

* Definition of a teenager?  God's punishment for enjoying sex.

* As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the
  wrong way.
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        And over to the home of Victoria Bitter, Fosters, et al - and these
        two from CUB John (probably on the night shift as usual) ...
                           -----------------------


                           FAMOUS MILITARY SAYINGS

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
  Paul Rodriguez

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
 expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit"
   Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the
 ground." - U.S. Air Force

"Once the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
  U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
 automatic weapons." - Gen. MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
  U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways" - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to
do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush."
  Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
  Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"Do you want to walk to the war, or ride?" - RAEME VM to obnoxious Infantryman.


                      -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                        MURPHY'S LAWS OF TECHNOLOGY

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All's well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till the project has passed final inspection.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's
work.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for
the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert: pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest
and cost the most.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple
system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the
page number.

All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    And just before we have the pics, here's a quickie from Ian Watson who
    lives and works in Cambridge (the real one, in the UK) and who writes
    "Hi Guys, came across your site by accident, but have found it a necessary
    de-stressing agent on a Friday morning."  And it's a quote:

"Sustainable development is like teenage sex - everybody claims they are doing
it but most people aren't, and those that *are* are doing it very badly."
   - Chris Spray of Northumbrian Water, at the launch of SIGMA.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - to the pics.  First up, from Digi Steve:
                           -----------------------

                          HOW CLEVER IS THIS DUDE

  This poster was released in the mid 80s and prompted a total recall of all
  posters because of the picture painted in ice-cubes at bottom right corner -
  a woman giving a blow job.  The graphic artist who designed the picture
  put this in as a joke, and it went through unnoticed until someone spotted
  it on the back of a Coke truck.  The artist lost his job and was sued, and
  all promotional material had to be recalled and destroyed.

  Very rare and hard to get hold of - released in South Australia in mid '80s.

Tricky art: Click here
                           -----------------------

  And a great little commercial that we haven't seen in Oz from Olivine:

GE: Click here
                           -----------------------

  David McCallum found this new take on the Seven Dwarfs

Of menopause ... Click here
                           -----------------------

  And from Digi Maria ...

Poor Scott: Click here
The 5 stages of female life: Click here
IRS enforcement (it's a rude one): Click here
                           -----------------------

  From memory, I think this next one was from Rowan Davidson ...
MCC catering announcement: Click here
                           -----------------------

  And again from memory, I think this one was from Stevo (aka John):

Hello dere: Click here
                           -----------------------

  And it looks as though I didn't get a chance to index the contributor's
  names for the rest of our contributions this week, so here they are
  minus the attributions - and thanks to all of you!

  How to annoy your co-workers:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  And some cute animal pics:

I'm thirsty: Click here
I'm furious!  Click here
I'm confused! Click here
I'm tired! Click here
I want some! Click here
Gas! Click here
I'm REALLY tired! Click here
Tired x 4: Click here
I'm mad! Click here

  Plus a few cartoons:

Shopping: Click here
Now what? Click here
Help! Click here
Grey brigade: Click here
Crash protection: Click here
Happiness fairy: Click here
GWB and Saddaam: Click here
Co-workers: Click here
                           -----------------------

  And finally, some radio - old and new.  First up, another of those shows
  that were churned out in the 1950s by the Macquarie Broadcasting Network
  (2GB) and broadcast all over Oz.  It's Terry Dear and "Leave it to the
  girls".  This was a panel-style show that took reader's letters and tried
  to sort out their problems.  It later came to TV as "Beauty and the Beast"
  with a different cast.

  Once again, our thanks to Geoff Dodge over in Tassie (Clarmont) for this
  classic 5 minute cut:

MBS, 1950s: Leave it to the Girls, with Terry Dear -
via medium quality MP3: Click here
or maximum quality via the Ogg - Click here

  By the way, these old radio cuts come from Screensound, so if you want more,
  just Click here - or for just the radio stuff, Click here

  The rest of these cuts are longer and more philosophical and probably a bit
  hard to listen to at work, ie: they're more in the class of "put your feet up
  one night at home and listen".  This first one's a conversation recorded at
  the Sydney Writers Festival with Alexei Sayle (of the old TV comedy antics
  series 'The Young Ones', etc) He was meant to be appearing in Sydney as
  a proper writer (his first novel, "Overtaken" has just come out) but it's
  just generally hilarious.  From a recent Oz RN "Books and writing" program:

Alexei Sayle cut: Click here

  And another RN cut - this time from Phillip Adams and "Late Night Live", re
  what probably drives those US Neo-Cons who ultimately control George Dublya:

Leo Strauss and "Noble Lies": Click here

  Finally, some light relief from Terry Lane and John Faine from last week -
  discussing such topics as "What colour is Thursday on Channel 9", and "Who
  presented the ABC's "Family Favourites"?  Anyway, we eventually meet a very
  interesting NZ playright, and a Circus Oz performer who broke her neck.
  It's 3LO's Thursday "Conversation Hour" from June 17 - about one hours
  worth (great background stuff for cleaning up the room :-).  Listen via:

RealBadAudio: Click here or MP3: Click here or Ogg: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay, enough of all that.  Stevo just passed on this joke from Prue
    (currently teaching in China) - and I may as well include her intro:

                              LETTER FROM CHINA

  "How are things in Melbourne - still pretty cool, I believe.  Well, China's
  still China. I sampled a serving of dog the other day (had to be careful
  because according to Chinese health practises, eating dog causes too much
  hot inside, so when you eat dog you should also eat cat or some other food
  which will make you cold inside to balance it all out - I'm dead serious
  about this by the way).

  Then unfortunately, that night our apartment was broken into, and although
  nothing major was lost as the thief kicked and smashed a glass I had left
  on the floor by a chair, frightening himself away - I did lose my camera and
  about 90 photographs that were on the disc inside it, and I lost the battery
  charger, my palm pilot, my wallet with about a thousand rmb in it, and some
  toys which I use in the classroom as teaching aids.  Ayeeyah - joss really.

    Zai Jian, (good bye)"

   Wow!  Well, here's the bit of humour that Prue passed on ...
                           -----------------------

                                     MOSES

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses.  Remember?"

"Oh, yes - I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses - spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir.  You know those ten 'things' you emailed me?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it.  I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses?  Of course they are
important.  Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them.  I could say the dog ate them, but of
course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'?  Are you trying to tell me you didn't
save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir - I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know.  You told me that before.  I was going to save them, but I
forgot.  I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did.  There was the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not.'  May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one
or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no'.  Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming
him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming', Moses."

"Oh, yes.  I Emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,
and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said.  He used Your name in vain.  You don't think he
might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I
lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever.  This computer stuff is just too much for me.  Can we go back
to stone tablets?  It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them
each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses.  Using computers!"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed it up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat.  Mouse ... Mouse!  And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first.  After all, who knows
more about this stuff than you?  And I really like your hours.  By the way,
Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing.  Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I did not name them, Moses.  Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you
want to."

"Oh, that explains it.  I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse.
After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir.  I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working.
Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see.  'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt
not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses.  I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    That's about it for this week.  Although, David Tiley passed on some
    intriguing links: Click here or (the index): Click here

    And Barista - Heartstarters for the hungry mind: Click here
                            ---------------------

    And lastly of awlly, from Bukka - it's ... DIY face: Click here
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[ End Friday humour ]

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