Friday humour - June 18, 2004

     From Davo at bluehaze:


As the Antipodes lurches toward the shortest day, here's an interesting web
site from UK Al Pal Smithie, "Penis Owners Instruction Manual" - Click here

Now to the jokes.

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 First up, from British McKnickers


Jenny's husband, Charlie, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked
full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

One evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one
load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner in the oven,
and the table set.

She was astonished. It turns out that Charlie had read an article that said
wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired
to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about
it. "We had a great dinner. Charlie even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too.  He was too tired!"

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 From UK Smithie

                              THE NEWLYWEDS

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his
old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to a bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, lollipop ... but at the bar ... you know ... they have
frozen glasses ..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long,
I'll be right back.  I promise.  Okay?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that ..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?  Listen up jerk!  Drink your goddamn beer in
your goddamn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married
now, you aren't going anywhere!  Got it, arsehole?!?"

And they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

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 From Adelaide Mike

                         HEARD ON THE WEST COAST

A Third grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Eagle fan. She
asks her students to raise their hands if they are Eagle fans too. Not really
knowing what an Eagle fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher,
their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Larissa has not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an Eagle fan " she answers.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm an Dockers fan " boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Larissa why she is a Dockers fan . "Well, my Dad and
Mum are Dockers fans , so I'm a Dockers fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and your
dad was an idiot.  What would you be then?"

Larissa smiles and says, "Then I'd be a "Collingwood fan".

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 A Trina quickie!

                           A SHOT IN THE DARK

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl,
so she decided to just kill herself & join him in death. Thinking it would
be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol
and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn
her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left
breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to
the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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  To the pics now from Snowfields Beryl, Kirsten the Penny, Craig Proctor
  from Tassie, Allnutts, UK Smithie, Digi Steve, Sister Carol, Digi Maria,
  Sir Douglas, UK Smithie, and Rowan Davo.

GM diet Click here

Outside view Click here Inside view Click here

Work prayer Click here

Flying High Click here Flying High II Click here

Bum job Click here

Frankston Barbie Click here

What goldfish? Click here

Ultimate pub crawl Click here

Good show (X-rated!) Click here

AFL lookalikes (& make sure you have image re-sizing turned OFF) Click here

Corny vibrator (X-rated) Click here

Kiwi date Click here

Ducks Click here

Fab photos Click here

Japanese cuisine Click here

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 An Allnutt quickie

                        A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV,
and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but she brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" she blurts out, blowing her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here,
plop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me, and then expect me to
run around like your slave.  Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Oh, Hell. It's started."

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 Finally a couple from Allnutts

                                 THE CAT

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted
down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the
vet. She had no name, which we knew of, so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know
when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer, said, "Okay,
but don't forget to wash her. She stinks."

My husband and the vet don't see eye-to-eye. In fact, they don't get along
at all. The vet calls my husband El-Cheap-O. My husband calls the vet
El-Take-O. They love to hate each other.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located
next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see
the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet. He had obviously seen
my husband arrive. Looking straight at my husband he said, "Your wife's pussy
is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way,
I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"

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                             Hill and Bill

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term
as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets
Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you
go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found
out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well,
what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did
you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
audible whisper, he says,

"Who is this?"

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Quote of the Week ...

  "It's hard to imagine how the commission investigating the 2001 terrorist
   attacks could have put it more clearly yesterday: there was never any
   evidence of a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, between Saddam Hussein and
   September 11.

   Now President Bush should apologize to the American people, who were led
   to believe something different.

   There are two unpleasant alternatives: either Mr. Bush knew he was
   not telling the truth, or he has a capacity for politically motivated
   self-deception that is terrifying in the post-9/11 world."

                                        New York Times, 17 June 2004

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[ End Fri humour ]

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