Friday humour - June 11, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Gidday,
     And lots of pics and things again this week.  Scroll down about half way
     if you don't have time to read the jokes.  But for those who can, here's
     the first humour contribution for this week, a quickie from Biggus:
                           ----------------------


                               HOTEL SERVICE

A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London finds a card offering sexual
services in a telephone box in Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel, he tries the number.

A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, a missionary shag, some doggie-style
fun, some mild bondage, and I think I'd like to finish off with a boob wank.
Is that okay"?

The lady says: "Well it sounds intriguing, sir - but you might like to press 9
first ... to get an outside line?"
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             And another quickie - this time from Digi Maria:

                                THE ARTIST

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for
his model finally became irresistible.  So he threw down his palette, took
her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
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             And from Hollywood Len, we just received this one ...

                              DRUNK IN MEXICO

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only
to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can
remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if
she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in
the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and
release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words,"I am from
the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene
on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness,
and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University
of Mississippi and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,
and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't
plug this thing in."
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        Now here's one of our famous ex-scientists who retired before we
        left Port Melbourne - none other than that cyclist extraordinaire,
        John Watts, who commented "One of many to pass on from my lovely
        daughter Linda ..."
                              -------------------

                              THE CATHOUSE PARROT

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet storeowner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited
for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam!"

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's
really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird spied them and
said, "New house, new madam ... new GIRLS!"

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about
the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked
at him and said, "Hi Keith."
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         Now for another one of those delightful primary school stories -
         it's another one forwarded across by Maria of the Digitronics:
                              -------------------

                                  THE MIDDLE WIFE

                         By an Anonymous second grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom
a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have
a few sessions with my students.  It helps them get over shyness. Usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame.  Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk
about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed
under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday."

"First, Mum and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mum's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mum starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh!'"

Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house
for, like an hour, 'Oh, Oh, Oh!'"

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man.  They got my Mum to lie down in bed
like this."

Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then ... POP!  My Mum had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing
away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'Push, Push, and Breathe, Breathe.' They
started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
comes my brother.  He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mum's
play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm
sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another Erica comes along.  Life is meant to be lived ... so enjoy!  Laughing
helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And just before we hit the multimedia stuff - one more quickie
          from our Hollywood correspondent, Mr Len M:
                              -------------------

                               PULL YOUR HEAD IN

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare
it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters,
and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are
eating.

"Okay", says her dad, "here's a hint. It's what your mother often calls me."

His daughter screams "Argghh - don't eat it, Jimmy! ...

It's a fucking asshole ...!!!"
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        Okay - to the multimedia contributions for this week.  By the way,
        if you do have any problems accessing these via your emailer, just
        use your web browser instead and Click here - on the top-left date

        (ie: the latest one).

        First up, one from Mike Horne (currently hiding out at the Division
        of Energy Technology):

French bag tag label: Click here
  [ The translation is:
    Wash with warm water.
    Use mild soap.
    Dry flat.
    Do not use bleach.
    Do not dry in the dryer.
    Do not iron.
    We are sorry that our President is an idiot.
    We did not vote for him. ]
                              -------------------

       And from David J (The J stand for Jenius), this link "They sell
       stupid stuff.  REALLY stupid stuff ..."

For sale at a stupid site near you: Click here
                              -------------------

    This next one came via a CSIRO technical discussion list this week ...

Think your data is safe ?

The attached occurred the other day to one of our staff members.

After inserting the CD, he heard a loud crack but mistook the noise for
something else. It was only upon ejecting the CD he realised where the
noise had come from.

It had me initially confused as to how it could have happened, but a quick
Google yielded the answer.

Luckily we did have a backup of the data.  Click here

 --------------

       Comment from another IT bod: "Even more fun with a Dremel ..."

High speed CDs - a story: Click here
And if you read the story, now see the movie (9Mb - big) Click here

 --------------

       On a serious note, CD-R life has long been a contentious subject.
       Like - plenty of 78 RPM audio recordings made in 1930 (almost 75
       years ago) are still around and perfectly usable.  But the question
       is often asked, "How stable are privately recorded CDs in archiving
       terms?  Will they still work in 10 years, or 20, or 50?"  Here's an
       article on the topic for anyone who may be interested:

CR-R life: Click here
                              -------------------

       And on the subject of records, one from Rowan Davidson, who says
       "By the way, I am based in Clayton, not Qld as you have introduced me
       in previous issues, although Queensland would be nice at the moment!"
       (would it what!) ...

The ugliest record covers ever: Click here
                              -------------------

       Digi Maria sent these over for your amusement ... help desk support
       and other odds and sods:

Help desk #1  Click here
Help desk #2: Click here
Help desk #3: Click here
Help desk #4: Click here
Two hands woman: Click here
Two hands man: Click here
Kemit in trouble: Click here
                              -------------------

      And from the other half of Digi Maria, Digi Steve, we received:

News story: Click here
                              -------------------

      Canadian mountie Steph passed this collection on ...

George Dublya: Click here
It's a Breeze: Click here
High strength Durex: Click here
It's Ford for Strength: Click here
Mickey D marketing: Click here
One coat Dulux: Click here
Upgrade your batphone: Click here
Why do you need to slim?  Click here
                              -------------------

      And I forget who passed this on - but here 'tis anyway:

Shower Gell: Click here
                              -------------------

      I found this amusing Pepsi commercial somewhere or other ...

Road Runner Pepsi: Click here
                              -------------------

      Our Tassie correspondent, Craig Proctor (Marine Science) found this
      (Gary recognised the comedy team but he still can't get the name)

A traumatic job: Click here

      And these two cute little animated GIFs come courtesy of Stevo (and
      of course, another gidday to Prue over in China ... :-):

Drunk: Click here
Dracula: Click here
                              -------------------

      John Sanderson passed this collection on during the week:

Love to be working on this project: Click here Click here Click here
Kitty scared! Click here
Can you water my plants ...  Click here

      plus these movies ...

Circuit breaker test: Click here
Fun with baseball (silent): Click here
An oldie but a goodie - that Nokia ad: Click here
Watch a trailer of Moore's new movie Fahrenheit 9/11: Click here
                              -------------------

      Melbourne Uni Lee posted this interesting PowerPoint show over:

Games with Photoshop: Click here
                              -------------------

     And finally for the pics - one from Lee's favourite, Biggus:

More curious pics: Click here
                              -------------------

     Now for a few sound bites to round off the multimedia.  This first one
     is Dr David Rand's appearance on Radio National's "Science Show" a
     couple of weeks ago:

200th Anniversary of Steam: Click here
                              -------------------

     This next one's intriguing.  It's from 1913, engineered by Thomas Edison
     on a cylinder during sound-film experiments he was doing at the time.
     Most of you would remember the story of Alexander Graham Bell at the
     time of the invention of the telephone, where he supposedly yelled
     those famous words down the wire: "Watson - Come Here!"  Well, this
     recording by Edison is of Thomas Watson describing how it all happened.
     It was passed on by sound and film historian and archivist, Chris Long
     (via Trevor Hill and the Edison National Historic Site at West Orange,
     New Jersey - the old Edison Laboratory):

Watson re Bell: Click here

     And finally, a cut from another old radio quiz show from the 1950s,
     courtesy of Geoff Dodge down in Tassie.  It's another Jack Davey show
     via the Macquarie Broadcasting Network (2GB) - this time, it's a few
     minutes from their weekly Pressure Pak Show:

Animal, Vegetable or Mineral?  Either MP3 (1.7Mb) Click here or (for best

quality) - Ogg Vorbis (3.4Mb): Click here
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay, enough of all that.  Back to a bit more written stuff to
        finish off.  Firstly, a couple more from Maria:
                              -------------------

                                THE MESSAGE

Mother didn't feel well one Sunday so she sent Little Johnny to church
telling him to be sure to remember the text of the sermon.

When he came home he told Mother, "The minister said not to be scared,
you'll get your quilt."

Mother, being quite perplexed, called the preacher. He explained that his
text was, "Fear not, thy comforter will come."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

                              EXPENSIVE WHIFF

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale
French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back
of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful
odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant
for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he
had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for
it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of
the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our
kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing
added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled
the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of
my money."
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         And finally for this week, another one from Hollywood Len ...
                              -------------------

                               COPING WITH STRESS

A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management.

He raised a glass of water and asked the audience,

"How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"

The students' answers ranged all the way from 20g to 500g.

"It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, it is OK.

If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance.

It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

"If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able
to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier."

"What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before
holding it up again."

We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed
and are able to carry on.

So before you return home from work tonight, put the burden of work down.
Don't carry it back home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a
moment if you can.

Pick it up again later when you have rested ... Rest and relax. Life is
short - enjoy it!!
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[ End Friday humour ]


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