Friday humour - June 04, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day

Winter has arrived in Oz with a vengence.  The pollies are all going off on
assorted study tours, junkets, and photo opps.

This interesting site was sent in by UK Smithie.  It's about Franko and all his
weird family and friends who live in a trailor park at Lake Elsinore in Texas
(I expect not too close to George Bush's property ... "Halliburton Mansions").
It's a hoot!  Click here

Keep sending in your interesting web sites and webcams.

Finally we have reconnected with Kero Steve who's been seemingly lost in
the world of matrimonial bliss in the Motherland.  Yo to Daddy Kero as well.
Nice to have you back on the list.

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 First up a Kaiser assortment

                      GOVERNMENT INFRASTRUCTURE

Here's a classic story of how government infrastructure develops and its
consequences.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a
desert. The decision makers in the upper echelon said, "Someone may steal
from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a
person for the job.

The decision makers said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people,
one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

The decision makers said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired
two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

The decision makers said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So
they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
then hired two people.

Then the decision makers said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people,
an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary.

The decision makers said, "We have had this command in operation for one
year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman

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 Here's one from our new contributor - Steph from Alberta Canada.

                                  LOST ARK

A university student walks into the living room of her childhood home to
find her parents sitting on the couch, enjoying a movie.

"What are you watching?" She asks her mother.

"Indiana Jones - Raiders of the Lost Ark." Her mother tells her. She pauses
for a minute and chuckles. "But, for you Mathematicians, I guess it would
be Raiders of the Lost Arc ... No wait, Radians of the Lost Arc."

Her father adds, "Ah yes, but that plot keeps going in circles."

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 From Maria of Digi fame

                                ROOM 302


A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person
who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is
getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In
fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off
the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement,
Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family
member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.

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                               A TRUE STORY ...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the
top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into
the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she
could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why and a few minutes later, she found her own car parked four
or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to
the Police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting
a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.



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 More from Digi Steve

                     LIFE'S EMBARRASSING MOMENTS!

Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could
crawl into a hole ... ?


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he
could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31

                      *****************

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34

                      *****************


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son
had a lot of problems with toilet training and I was onto him constantly. One
day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very
busy, with a full dining room. While eating my burger, I smelled something
funny, so I checked my seven-month-old daughter but she was clean.

I then realized that Danny had not been to the toilet in a while, so I asked
him if he needed to go and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have
any clothes with me..."

Then I asked, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting
worse, so I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks
and yelled. "SEE MUM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to
death on their burgers laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An
old couple made me feel better by telling me that they thought it was them.

                                *****************

This had a lot of viewers laughing for 2 days. What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any??? A female news anchor, who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too ...

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   This weeks pics are from Little Di, Stephanie from Canada, Sister Carol,
   Mandie, Lee, Lisa, M & Ms, Wellington Ben, Trina, Snowfields Beryl, the Digi
   Family, UK Smithie, and Tanberg and Wilcox of The Age:

Pick the female Click here

Tattoo Click here

Bailey's anyone? Click here

Petrol prices are going up and up ...  Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Like minds Click here Click here Click here

Day at the beach Click here

Canadian News Click here

Never pass out: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Where's Joffa Click here

Numbers Click here

The protectors Click here

Found out Click here

More of the same Click here

Bean bags Click here

Home alone Click here

Passionate dip Click here

Barwars Click here

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 A few from UK Smithie

                                 NUTS

There was a midget whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The
midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told
him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table and started examining him. He put one finger under his left testicle
and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for
a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and , as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again
and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side,
then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was
afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked
around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said,
"How does that feel now?" The midget said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even
feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your wellingtons."

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                 SO THAT'S WHERE KFC GET THEIR CHICKENS FROM!!!!

Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen
May 28, 10:51 am ET

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his
wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday. The woman caught
him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise.

"He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said.

The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka,
killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.

The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

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                           LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Sir: - Readers looking for a well-behaved, entertaining and trouble-free
Household Pet for the Summer Hols need look no further than their local
Working Class district, where they will almost certainly find a number of
"Cockneys" or other such Types. Clean and well-behaved Specimens are quickly
identified and can be rounded up and taken home in large Boxes (with holes
drilled in the top for ventilation).

Once you have your "Cockneys" safely and securely housed (an area of Garden
or Park can be fenced off and small Kennels provided) it is a matter of
training them in Good Behaviour, Obedience, and Personal Cleanliness. I have
found "Cockneys" to be very responsive to a firm but fair hand in training;
they soon know to respect their Master and form strong bonds of Loyalty
and Obedience. Rewards can be offered in the form of Cigarettes, a Bowl of
Nut-Brown Ale, or simple fondling; equally, denial of Food for a few days or
a stiff beating with a Leather Strap will soon instil the proper attitude in
"hard cases."

"Cockneys" are good company and can present a very impressive appearance -
particularly the pedigree examples - when clean and well-groomed. It is
delightful to see their big brown eyes and eager faces as they sit, poised
and alert, awaiting their Master's command. A word of warning: some Specimens
are savage and unbiddable. If a "Cockney" does not respond to training within
a few days it is best to shoot it and get another.

- Nigel Poppingcock,
Knob End,
Ficking, Middlesex.


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                  NEW TEXTILE EFFECTIVE AGAINST NUDITY

The Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory has announced the successful
creation of a textile designed to prevent Clothing-Lack-Syndrome (CLS).

"This significant advance in textile manufacturing holds significant promise
for those communities plagued by rising rates of CLS," said materials science
professor Bernardo Khah. "As such, the potential return to society could
be significant."

The product, which has been provisionally named "Khah-Tonne" after its
principal creators, is flexible, breathable, and can be woven into a variety
of textures. Most importantly, Khah predicts that it will be inexpensive
enough to produce to enable widespread use in a variety of prescription
items such as shirts and full-length pants.

CLS, more commonly known as nudity, is a particularly prevalent condition in
California and Florida; although rarely complete, the condition is generally
considered irreversible. Afflicted persons, typically young men and women
with commendable physiques, develop a strong aversion to most conventional
fabrics, usually during puberty. Those affected typically maintain clothing
coverage equal to the bare minimum required by state and local legislation,
which can be as low as 5 to 10% of the body surface area.

"For many people, this is not a good idea," said Florida Office of Emergency
Services Director Diane Morris. "Belly-bearing shirts were originally
introduced as prescription items, but have been widely abused. Their misuse by
people with unattractive midriffs has been demonstrated to cause significant
ocular trauma."

The effects of CLS typically become more deleterious with age. Senior citizens
who are afflicted by the condition are frequently the target of harassment
and local legislation.

"We anticipate that the new product will significantly enhance the quality of
life for those afflicted by the condition, and their loved ones," said Khah,
"especially those with loved ones living in other parts of the country where
CLS is not well understood or tolerated, such as the Northeast or Midwest."

Use of the textile in field trials also demonstrated an unexpected side
effect: improved academic scores.

"In field trials at the University of California, Berkeley, we found that
classes with participants using Khah-Tonne anti-CLS devices such as shirts
and trousers saw a remarkable increase in academic performance compared to
classes where CLS was endemic and bikinis were a standard form of attire,"
said Lawrence Livermore spokeswoman Candee Chen. "Apparently, the devices
were effective in reducing the attention deficit disorders endemic to the
student population." The link between the prevalence of CLS and attention
disorders has been documented anecdotally for some time, though studies have
been inconclusive and the phenomenon is poorly understood.

It is unclear whether devices made with the new textile will be widely accepted
by CLS sufferers, however. "Maybe old people can use it," said Berkeley student
and study participant Sheryl Hass. "But my navel is hot and it's here to stay."


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                  DNA STUDY FINDS CHIHUAHUAS AREN'T DOGS

As part of an ambitious effort to identify genes that cause disease in dogs and
humans, scientists at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle
analyzed DNA collected from 414 dogs representing 85 breeds, including some
of the most popular. The findings have sent reverberations though the ranks
of dog fanciers, who primp and preen their beloved companions for shows and
take great pride in their pedigrees.

"It was a surprise to find that some breeds such as the Ibizan hound and
the Pharaoh hound, along with several others that dog aficionados have long
believed dated back thousands of years, are actually much more modern animals
- re-creations that were probably produced by breeders," said geneticist
Leonid Kruglyak, who helped conduct the research. "However, it was more of
a surprise to find that some breeds are not even dogs."

Among other findings, the analysis determined that the Chihuahua is actually
a type of large rodent, selectively bred for centuries to resemble a canine.

"This is clearly going to raise some eyebrows in the Chihuahua world," said
Peggy Wilson, president of the Chihuahua Club of America. "It goes against
our belief system. People are pretty passionate about their dogs. There is
going to be disbelief."

Using 96 distinct patterns in the genes called "microsatellites," the
researchers compared dogs within breeds, and breeds with one another. In the
May 21 issue of the journal Science, the team concluded that almost every
breed was surprisingly distinct genetically. They were able to identify
each dog's breed by its genes with 99 percent accuracy. They also found
that breeds could be clearly grouped into four distinct clusters based on
striking genetic similarities: ancient dogs, hunters, herders, and guard dogs.

"Once we had these groups pretty well mapped out, the canine mimics were
easy to pick out," added Kruglyak. "And actually, it was kind of intuitive
in hindsight."

The study found that several diminutive breeds had been independently created
around the world from a variety of other animals, including the Lhasa apso
(Tibetan snow rabbit), Pekingese (Chinese water rat), Shih Tzu (stoat),
and Yorkshire Terrier (pigeon).

"Most of these do contain some actual dog genes," admitted Kruglyak, "but
the percentage is no higher than ten percent in each case."

Officials at the American Kennel Club and the AKC Canine Health Foundation
praised the work in spite of the controversial findings, saying it will help
breeders, veterinarians and scientists eliminate dog diseases.

"This really is revolutionary in terms of increasing the number of tools
available to breeders," the AKC's Patti Strand said. "It really will have a
tremendous effect on improving the health of dogs. However, it does require
us to rethink our mission and reevaluate whether it is appropriate to continue
numbering breeds such as Chihuahuas and Yorkies with the real dogs."

The potential ramifications of these findings are significant as condominiums
and rentals around the nation which prohibit exotic animals anxiously await
news as to whether scientists will be officially reclassifying these breeds
as other animals.

"Oh, heavens, if they make it official that Chihuahuas aren't dogs, it would
make my day," said Miami condominium owner Frances LaCroix. "I would finally
have grounds to make Elsie Tabernathy get rid of her wretched little yapping
pack of - rodents, did you say they were? Oh, that would be marvelous."

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 From Allnutts

                              SERVICES

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she
says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled,
my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've
got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's
Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

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Quote of the Week

    On the Iraqi torture ...


   "I did not set out to mislead anybody... I have to rely on the advice of
    the department. I regret very much that I was given the wrong advice."

                           - Rt Hon John Winston Howard (Man of Steel)


   [Translation :  The Department didn't tell me what I didn't want to hear.]

  --fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fin-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh-fh--

[ End Fri humour ]

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