Friday humour - May 28, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            Yo etc,
      A longish editorial today.  And some (virus) housekeeping first up.
      Just recently, I've received some emails complaining of virus/spam
      that claimed to have originated from fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au (or
      humourites~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au ... whatever).

      They're probably originating from someone's virus-infected PC that
      (a) uses M$ Outlook for email, and (b) has fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au
      in its address book.

      So especially to all you home users - make sure you have up-to-date
      anti-virus (AV) software installed!  You can even get free ones, BTW -
      such as AVG - Click here - so there's really no excuse for doing nothing.


      Incidentally, most PC users don't realise that the Microsoft Outlook
      email program is:

      (a) the most virus-prone program on the internet,

        and

      (b) can be removed (un-installed) and replaced with something better.

      For example, excellent Email programs such as Qualcomm's Eudora -
      Click here - are as good or better than Outlook, and far less virus-

      prone.  You can get their free version or the pay-version, as you wish.
      Or you can even just install Netscape as your web browser, because
      it has a perfectly good email program too (as well as a great UseNet
      news-group browser).

      But even if you do want to continue with M$ Outbreak - please make
      sure you have an up-to-date virus scanner installed.  This weekend!
                             ---------------------

      Onto more interesting things now:

      This week's Science Show (on Oz Radio National)
      -----------------------------------------------

      I heard a rumour that Dave Rand (err, sorry - Dr David Rand), Oz cousin
      of the famous Mad Mick, is on this week's Science Show (and possibly a
      few future ones as well).  See top of the ABC web page - Click here
      Dave was invited in to discuss some highly scientific problem but
      started chatting about the 200th anniversary of steam, and it turned
      out that the producer was a steam buff as well.  So they decided to
      do a segment on that first.

      If you don't live in Oz this week (or you forget to listen in), just go
      to the above page next Monday and you can listen via RealBadAudio.

      And hey, while you're there - click on "Why is it so?"  Some classics
      from Julius Sumner Miller's series on ABC TV in the world of physics!
      (How many of us were enticed into science because of that guy ... and
      the Summer School Of Science on (would you believe?) ... Channel 9)

      Site of the month
      -----------------

      Remember Chernobyl?  Those of us who live outside the Ukraine (as in -
      most of us) probably don't think too much about it these days.  Well,
      it's still there, and it's still hot, and guess what - Elena takes
      regular m-bike rides through there, and she puts her pics (and her
      observations) up on a web site.

      Is she suicidal?  Click here and decide for yourself (and thanks to James

      Powell for discovering that one and passing it on).
      -------------------------------------------------------------------

      Okay, we are having jokes this week!  First up, from Digi Steve:
                             ---------------------

                               ADULT FAIRYTALE

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods, so she ran up behind him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying ...
"Lie to me! Lie to me!!"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Did you know that Captain Hook died from jock itch.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                       And this collection from Digi Maria:
                             ---------------------

                                THE OPERATION

We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was
scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how
the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during
the surgery?"

Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

                                 SCARY STUFF

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital
for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating
looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician.  "It's a floor-cleaner."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

                                 BRAGGING

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one
son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my
daughter was completing a year long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short.  "What is it about you," he
asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

                                  RACIST

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty. That
evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following
letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I
would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They
should arrive at 8 p.m.  prepared for an evening of polite southern
conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans.
We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She
opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling
black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make
mistakes."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

How do you identify a bald eagle?

All of his feathers are combed to one side.

                            ----===#==#==#===---

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the
birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To
my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to
combat my nervousness with humour. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I
told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.

                            ----===#==#==#===---

                              STEP ASIDE, LADY

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the
crowd, pushed her aside and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in
first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to
administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the
shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm
already here."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Then there was this one from our Hollywood correspondent, Len:
                             ---------------------

                   TOP 11 BUMPER STICKERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

The proctologist called ... they found your head.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life ...  but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Heart Attacks ... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving?  Then quit watching me.

If you can read this ... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Try not to let your mind wander.  It's too small and fragile to be out
by itself.

Hang up and drive!

  ... and finally (drum roll) the number one bumper sticker we'd like to see:

Welcome to America.  Now speak English
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                    And another one from Maria Softing:
                             ---------------------

                                  DIAGNOSIS

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and
couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "So what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Almost to the pics now, but a couple of quickies from CUB John first:
                             ---------------------

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up
whose father.

One boy said, "My father is better than your father."

The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

The difference between a good girl and a nice girl:

A good girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.

A nice girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - a few flicks and pics and things now.  Firstly, from Jas:

Who loves you?  Click here
                             ---------------------

         And quite a varied collection today from M&M Mandy:

Do you know

what happens ..

at night ....

on  ...

your ....

desk  ....


after  ....




you turn off your computer ....




and you go ...




home ... ?



 ...



Well, wash your hands Click here

    And some more cartoons re Stone Age computing:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

    Plus some more signs:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Deep shit Click here
As I mature Click here
                             ---------------------

       This one came from Killer Brett, and also from Jas (a movie):

New car ad: Click here
                             ---------------------

         And this one from Digi Steve - a full version of an older one:

Pure arse: Click here
                             ---------------------

         Someone passed these two on - so why did I forget who ... ?

Enthusiasm: Click here
Lovely food: Click here
                             ---------------------

        From our wallah of the PCs, Russell MacK, the latest:

Mag for married men: Click here
                             ---------------------

     And Stop Press: Nth Hollywood correspondent Len just sent these over:

Easily the best way to work out which is the colder beer ... Click here
Want a Happy Meal? Click here
T Shirt #1 Click here
T Shirt #2 Click here
T Shirt #3 Click here
                             ---------------------

          And from Maria the Digi incorporated, we got these ...

                        COMMEMORATIVE STAMP

I received this from my US pen-pal. This stamp is being issued in the
USA to mark the third anniversary of Sept 11:

New stamp Click here

    Maria also sent these:

New dummies: Click here
Every office has one ... Click here
Snowman: Click here
Economy class: Click here
Liar: Click here
Yesterday: Click here
Your gonna what? Click here
Prison sucks Click here
So does this Click here
Hold 'em up Click here
Chain reaction Click here
                             ---------------------

        Finally, some more radio stuff.  Couple of ancient cuts first, from
        the 1950s.  Leonard Teale, a well known Oz actor who had a starring
        role in an early TV series called "Homicide" did a lot of earlier
        radio work, starring in various serials.  The best known of these
        was Superman.  Here's a five minute cut from the 2nd episode of this
        series:

Leonard Teale in episode 2 of the 1950s Australian radio serial, Superman:
Via RealBadAudio - Click here or the 5Mb MP3 - Click here - or for the best

quality, this Ogg Vorbis version - Click here

        And another Stan Freberg radio classic from "The best of the Stan
        Freberg Shows" (circa 1957):

Stan Freberg - "Hermann Horne on HiFi" ... via RealBadAudio - Click here
or via the 5Mb MP3 - Click here - or the Ogg version Click here

        Finally, on the subject of language (and management bullshit) ...

        A speech from 2003 by historian Don Watson on the subject of language
        and where it's going.  This is another one of those "listen to at home
        with your feet up" ones, because it's almost an hour long.  It was
        broadcast last Sunday on "The National Interest" as an emergency
        fill-in because the presenter (Terry Lane) was stricken ill ... but
        it's fascinating.  All about "management-speak", "mission statements",
        "business cases" and all the other related nonsense that people
        carry on with these days in order to conceal reality ...

Don Watson on the use and abuse of language - "Death Sentence" ...
Via RealBadAudio - Click here or the (24Mb) MP3 - Click here or for the Ogg

version - Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Back to some written stuff now, and it's back over to John at CUB:
                             ---------------------


                                  ARGH, PIGS

A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the
stud service, so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer: "Hey Doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford
to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet: "Well there's artificial insemination Blah Blah Blah " He goes on
to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the
farmer's price range.

Farmer: "No none of that stuff will do, its too expensive, anything else?"

Vet: "Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough pig
DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do take your pigs out at night,
load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with
them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."

Farmer: "How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet: "If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs
in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night. The
next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does
it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more
tired. Next day nothing, they're just walking around. So he goes out again,
porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever. This
goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to
get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer: "What are the pigs doing, dear?"

Wife: "I don't know.  One of them is jumping up and down in the back of the
truck and the other is blowing the horn."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                    And something else from Handy Mandy ...
                             ---------------------

                                WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asked her mother "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"

"No, I don't think so," replied the mother. "Fifi is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

Embarrassed and not wanting to go into it with her young daughter, the mother
said, "Oh, just go ask your father.

The little girl finds the father working in the garage and says, "Dad, may
I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said that Fifi
was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you."

Not wanting to explain it all to his young daughter, the father said, "Bring
Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on
the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. "Where's Fifi?" her father asked.

"She'll be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            Plus this quickie from David McCallum (aka Biggus, etc):
                             ---------------------

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided
he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a
woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or
two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        We're already well over the limit for this week, but we'll squeeze
        in just one more from Rosalie (who's rejoined us from Monash again).
        She forwarded this one on, with the comment "... Some of these sound
        familiar, but I got a chuckle out of them ..."
                             ---------------------

                        LIFE ON THE COMPUTER HELP DESK

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer:     "Okay."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer:     "No."

Tech Support: "Okay. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer:     "No."

Tech Support: "Okay, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
               point?"

Customer:     "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the
           same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh ... am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Customer:     "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer:     "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer:     "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer:     "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer:     "No."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Customer:      "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support:  "(?!%#$)"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Tech Support: "Okay, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
               the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer:     "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer:     "A white one."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Tech Support:  "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer:      "How do you spell that?"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Tech Support:  "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer:      "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Tech Support:  "What operating system are you running?"

Customer:      "Pentium."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Customer:      "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Customer:      "I have Microsoft Exploder."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Customer:      "How do I print my voicemail?"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Customer:     "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer:     "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer:     "No, but there's a sticker saying there's Intel inside."

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

Customer:     "Eastern time?"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer:     "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Customer:     "How do I know when it's ready?"

                            ----===#==#==#===---

   A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his
   computer is faulty ...

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it
      will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

          10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right.
          The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
      an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Letme
      know how it goes.

         ... 10 minutes later:

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
      NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
      file. Let me know how it goes.

         ... 1 hour later:

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started
      asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE
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[ End Friday humour ]


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