Friday humour - May 21, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         G'day,
     And another bumper collection this week.  The contributions are courtesy
     of the usual suspects - Digi Steve, Biggus, CUB John, Maria (other half
     of Digi), Hollywood Len, Lee at Melb Uni, the Rands, and M&M.  And even
     though it is a bit large, well - hey - you don't have to read it all.

     And another big gidday to Prue over in China.  I discovered yesterday
     that she's actually teaching over there - and as we mentioned before,
     with Engrish being in such short supply in that particular country,
     she really enjoys receiving these silly collections more than most.
     So especially to Prue et al over there - enjoy.

     Okay, onto the nonsense, and first up - this one from Digi Steve:
                              -----------------------

                                    GREAT BOSS

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.  This new
boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.  The
room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "$300.  Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay,
now, GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room
and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy
from Domino's".
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     Next, this little collection as just passed on by Biggus (aka Fifi):
                              -----------------------

                                    NEW WING

Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote
on adding a new wing, this is what happened ...

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The paediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it anyway, so this is all moot.

                             ----===#==#==#===---

                                   OUCH

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off, and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  Indeed, the ball hit one
of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch,
fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She
explained that she was a physical therapist, "Please allow me to help.  I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me",
she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.  But she persisted, and he finally allowed
her to help him.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage
him.  She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

                             ----===#==#==#===---

                                  HOW MUCH?

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says
to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"  "Are you
nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?," he asks again.

Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you
let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000?"

She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm ... $10,000, eh?, Okay, just
once then ... but not here.  Let's go to that dark alley over there".

So they went to that alley and she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and
starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them,
... but not biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or
what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

                             ----===#==#==#===---

                                   THE SIGN

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the
road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn
Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious
nuts!"

>From the curve they heard screeching tyres and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Maybe the sign should just say
'Bridge Out'?"
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        And a couple of quickies from John over at the bubble factory:
                              -----------------------

A guy sees a blind man with seeing-eye dog crossing the road and almost getting
run over four times, horns blaring, tyres screeching.  The blind man steps onto
the kerb and gives his dog a pat on the head.

The guy says "Why give him a pat when he almost got you killed?".

Blind man replies, "I'm not.  I'm finding out which way he's standing so I
can kick him in the behind!"

                             ----===#==#==#===---

This nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate.  St Peter starts
asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant,
it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds.

Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, "Well, have you ever done anything
good ... anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?"

"Well," says the accountant, "once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and
about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled, 'Hey arseholes, why don't
you pick on somebody your own size' and I then kicked all their hogs over,
all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and
she managed to run away."

St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see
this incident recorded.  When did it occur?"

The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago."
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           Over to North Hollywood next, and this collection from Len

                                  ADAM & EVE

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez ..."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

                             ----===#==#==#===---

                                  GRRRRRRRRR

Walking into the bar, Jeff said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one,
Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Jeff replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken shit!"

                             ----===#==#==#===---

                                 TRY THIS ONE

A white haired man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday with a
beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my
girlfriend," he said.

The jeweller looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced
at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand... I want something very unique," he said.
At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.  The jeweller
asked, "How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that
everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank
Monday morning, then call me and I'll fetch the ring."

On Monday morning, a very angry jeweller phones the man. "You bastard, you
lied there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had.

                             ----===#==#==#===---

                 LEROY, LEE-ROY & THEN YOU GOT'S 'LEIGHROY!'

A lady walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yes'am, they's all mine," the flustered momma sighs having heard that
question a thousand times before.  She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the
children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need
all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he's Leroy."

"Okay, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.  One by one through the
oldest four all boys, all named Leroy.  Then she is introduced to the eldest
girl named 'Leighroy!'

"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here.  Are they
ALL named Leroy?"

Their Mumma replied, "Well, yes - it make it easier.  When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yells,'Leroy!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An 'if I need
to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all
of them stop.  It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?"

"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma.  "Then I calls them by their last names."
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        To da pics and movie clips and sounds now.  First up, it's an
        hilarious piece of video footage as passed on by Digi Steve
        and Melb Uni Lee:

I think I can ... Click here
                              -----------------------

        And this little collection of unexplained effects as forwarded on
        by Digi Maria ...

Unexplained: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
                              -----------------------

      Lee found this collection of genetically engineered children
      for you.  Your grandchildren, perhaps ... ?

Genetic experiments Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
      And this pictorial version of an oldie ...
George Dublya: Click here
                              -----------------------

      And a couple from Mandy, aka M&M ... "The bee sting from hell -
      careful when you open this one, it is in the wrong place if you
      are male, perhaps in the right place if you are female ... :-)"

Stung: Click here

      And ... "Very clever - who said necessity is the mother of invention,
      what about boredom and too much time on one's hands?"

Those naughty Ents: Click here
                              -----------------------


      Digi Maria sent these across ... it's the remaining sheets from that
      exam paper Davo passed on last week:

More exam paper sheets Click here Click here Click here
                              -----------------------

      And from Digi Steve, we received this one about a powerful tool ...

Overcharged: Click here
                              -----------------------

               And Biggus also passed on a cupla pics ...

New gun sticker: Click here
Individuality: Click here
                              -----------------------

             I forget who passed this one on, but here 'tis anyway:

Too close Click here

                              -----------------------

       And a few sound clips to finish off.  Again, these are the sorts of
       things where you really need to sit down at home with your feet up and
       have a relaxed listen.  The first one's a rather amazing experiment
       by John Sanderson and Tom Heuzenroeder (passed on by Meg Rive) - who
       took some numerical data from a fluids experiment and fed it into Excel,
       Coagula and CoolEdit - and had a play around.  This was the result:

Data music Click here

       And if that whets your appetite, you can hear more of it at the
       Sydney Opera House studio on July 8, 2004, as shown here via:

The Poster: Click here and the paper they wrote: Click here

       The recently publicised Iraq prison torture is the subject of this next
       one.  Basically, this study said that it's always bound to happen.
       Read the article about this amazing Stanford experiment from 33 years
       ago via the Melbourne Age, or listen to the ABC (PM) interview:

Prison torture:
The article in The (Melbourne) Age: Click here
or the Oz ABC "PM" interview with Professor Philip Zimbardo: Click here

       And to finish off, something completely self-indulgent.  One of our Oz
       ABC radio people that I really enjoy listening to is Terry Lane.  So
       yesterday, I recorded his regular Thursday session with John Faine.
       If, like most of us, you normally can't hear this 11 AM Melbourne
       talkfest via 3LO, you'll enjoy this.  (It doesn't get onto the ABC
       web site, of course, because it doesn't come from Sydney).  Around an
       hour's worth:

Terry Lane with John Faine, 11am on 3LO Melbourne:
Via RealBadAudio - Click here or the (28Mb) MP3 - Click here or for the best

quality, try this Ogg Vorbis version - Click here
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          Now to another contribution from the Digi company - this time,
          via Maria the Softing:
                              -----------------------

                                 NO-NAME TOOT PAPER

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered
over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the
differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's
kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but
gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand,
and it's 20 cents per roll."  "Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey!
I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.  "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap
off anybody!"
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                And back over to CUB for this one from John ...
                              -----------------------

                                   GREEK MOTHERS

There's a big controversy on the Greek view of when life begins. In Greek
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.

Q: Why don't Greek mothers drink?  A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Greek Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

When the doctor called Mrs. Megakolos to tell her that her check came back,
she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A Greek boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a
part in the school play.

"Wonderful. What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Greek husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Greek mother on the Street and
said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."  "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Greek Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the
first Greek President. So the President-elect calls up his mother a few
weeks after election day;

"So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as
he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mum, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take
you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy, I don't know what on Earth I
would wear."

"Oh mum," replies the new! president, "don't worry about it. I'll make sure
you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior."

"Honey," Mum complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your
friends like to eat"

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mum. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best Greek caterer in New York, and you can tell him
how to make the Tiropitakia. Mum, I want you to come."

So Mum agrees, and so on January 21, 2013, the son is being sworn in as
President of the United States of America.  In the front row sits the new
President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her.

"You see that man over there with his hand on the Bible, becoming President
of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

"His brother is a doctor."
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     And once in 5 years, we even get something from Dr Rand (it may have
     even come from Maddus Mickus in the first instance - I forget ...)
                              -----------------------

                                   TATER PEOPLE

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to
watch while others do the work.  They are called "Spec Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with
the way others do the work.  They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't
want to soil their own hands.  They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree
with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.  They are called
"Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around
to actually doing the promised help.  They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.  They
are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They
are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping
hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.  They are called
"Sweet Po Taters".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Over to the hallowed sandstone halls of Melbourne University now,
       and another one from Lee McRae with the long black hair ...
                              -----------------------

                                 THE IRISH VIRGIN

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it.  Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went
to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk)
to make the proper "final" arrangements.  As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her
tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.  A few days after the funeral,
as the undertaker - postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady
had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had
selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.  He thought
long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request,
considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma.  But finally his experience as a
postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate
solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read
as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"
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          And to finish off for yet another week, a few more from Biggus:
                              -----------------------

                                    OLD FRIENDS

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I
couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle
a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's
a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she
thought tubby bald men were cute. "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple
of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on the fat bitch.

                             ----===#==#==#===---


                           MRS MURPHY AND MRS COHEN

The two little old ladies, Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Murphy, had been very long-time
close friends. But since they were old-fashioned, each went to a retirement
home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt
very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish
Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms,
hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the
care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing
is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the
bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing
Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how about you, Mrs. Murphy?" Mrs. Murphy said it was
also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let
him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below" said Mrs. Cohen.

"Yes? And then ...?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, we don't know any Jewish songs, so we just f__k."

                             ----===#==#==#===---


                                GOLFING HEAVEN

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball
into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing the ball hit a tree,
bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are
you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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[ End Friday humour ]

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