Friday humour - May 14, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day

It would seem that the torture in Iraq and Cape Guantanamo has been going
on for over 12 months.  It's interesting that our Man of Steel and the
Minister for Foreign Affairs (and Fishnet Stockings) have had access to the
International Red Cross reports for all this time and have till now shown no
interest in them.  One has to wonder exactly what type of world that they'd
like to live in.

Today Alexander the Great (Fishnet to his friends) has finally decided to
look into this.  Isn't that nice.  Perhaps he could also look into the way
Australia treats asylum seekers.

But we digress ... time for a few assorted funnies.

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 First up from Digi Maria

                              God's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always
the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation
departed.  He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas
and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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 From Fosters John

                              THE CATCHER

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun
rise.  He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool!  You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just
laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by,
dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the
boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool!  You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs
and keeps walking.  That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind
him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks
like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up... I'll get my hat."

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                              SURGICAL STORIES

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.  A concert pianist lost 7
fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed
a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing.  A young man lost both arms and legs
in an accident, I re-attached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in
field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.  Several years ago a cowboy who
was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling
80 miles an hour.  All I had left to work with was the horse's arse and a cowboy
hat.  Now he's President of the United States."

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             A WORKPLACE TEST FOR RICHMOND TIGER SUPPORTERS

1.  Roll up a sheet of paper into a ball and try to kick it straight in
the rubbish bin for two hours.  You will find that most of your kicks go
astray.  You are now Joel Bowden.

2.  Call your staff into a room for an urgent meeting.  Explain exactly what
you expect of them and that it so important that they do their job right.  All
staff agree to this request at the meeting.  However, as time passes you find
that staff didn't listen and don't respect you.  You are now Danny Frawley.

3.  You are a new employee.  You have been promised an exiting future and a
challenging role with your employer and are being paid handsomely for it.
Within months you realise that you are the best employee, that your boss
is incompetent, your company is going broke and that you want to leave.  You
are now Nathan Brown.

4.  You travelled interstate to commence employment for your first job.  Your
employer was extremely happy with you and promoted you accordingly.
Unfortunately, after a couple of years you suffered an injury and to this day,
you haven't recovered.  Your perfomance is mediocre and your boss is
considering sacking you.  You are now Brad Ottens.

5.  You assumed a key job when you first arrived at your current employer.
However, somebody was stalking at you previous employer who now was doing the
same to you at your current employer.  This has affected you deeply.  You have
now become very clumsy and bump into people at work and cause serious injury.
On one occasion you broke a jaw and on another you fell into someones back
causing major damage.  You are now Greg Stafford.

6.  You had a quite few years experience at a company at the peak of your
career.  However, you couldn't stand its top employee and you thought that
in order to improve, you had to move and you wanted out.  The company in its
blinding faith demoted its star employee and you took his place.  You are the
face of the company appearing in the media very regularly trying to put
a spin on why your company is performing so poorly.  You are now Wayne Campbell.

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                             THE RETROSEXUAL

This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who now
days think it is cool to be a metro.  Bring back our masculinity - stop being
a bunch of pussies who have far too much gel in their hair and smell and
look like chicks.

Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino:

Please allow me to vent.  I have had it.  I've taken all I can stand and I can't
stand no more.  Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like
"style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual,
metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual...

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell "ENOUGH!" I
hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the
Retrosexual movement. "

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90.  It's not how long you live,
but how well.  If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking,
I salute you.  If you are still having sex, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.  Women have
several supermarket aisles of stuff.  Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving
gear - that's it!!  No hair gel / wax!  Zip, zilch, nyet, none - ever!

A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like
he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket.  If wearing a
hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot.  Blokes and necklaces
(unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some
is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming
a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such
as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident,
favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring,
etc.  You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough
attention.  Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT.  When you screwed up, he DEALT
with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal
himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY
a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools.  If you can't hammer a
nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be
rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled
with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.  Plus it's
just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things
that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying.  There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of
them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.  Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing
or throwing the remote control.  Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include
(but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish or cats
do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of
major body part on your Holden ute.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant
woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his
seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in
their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the
acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious
healthy relationship - i. e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars,
car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land.  Except on
his ute--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the
retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any
elderly person.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself.  We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

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 A collection from Allnutts

                        Saying the right thing ...

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.  He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed.  Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean.  So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove.  I left early to go shopping.  Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating.  Marty asks, "Son,
what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious.  You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that!  Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

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                              MARATHON MAN

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.  One wet
and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry!  Grab your clothes and jump out the window.  My husband's
home early!"

"I can't jump out the window.   It's raining out there!

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.  Being naked, with his
clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with
you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always
wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope......... only when it's raining".

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 From UK Smithie

                               BUSH LETTER

You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for
unsupervised visits to his parent's home on weekends.  For those of you who
may be too young to remember, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to
impress the actress Jodie Foster.

This is such a nice letter from President Bush.

THE WHITE HOUSE WASHINGTON D. C.

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John,

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery
from your mental problems.  We were pleased to hear that you are now able to
have unsupervised visits with your parents.  The staff at the hospital reports
that you are doing fine.  I have decided to seek a second term in office as
your President and I would appreciate your support and the support of your
fine parents.  I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the
hospital, you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster ?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush President

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This weeks pics are from Hollywood Len, Digi Maria, Dave Allnutts, Digi Steve,
and you know who you are and aren't as the case may be.  We could do with
some more movies.

Bumper stickers Click here
Referee abuse Click here
Take a message Click here
Word for wankers Click here
Drink drive Bloody idiot Click here
The edge of reality Click here
Short story Click here
Teach them young Click here
Tis a puzzlement Click here
Being noticed Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Exam responses Click here Click here Click here Click here
Romantic tales Click here
The running of the bulls Click here
Beyond Saddam Click here Click here Click here

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 Back to the ASCII with another from Maria

                    HOW SOME PEOPLE LOOK AT LIFE....

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have
stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing.  If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot
be displayed in a federal building?

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 A final quickie from CUB John

                            BLACKBALLED NURSE

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.  A
young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says
"There's nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was lovely, nurse,
but please ... ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

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LETTER OF THE WEEK

  [ to The Middle East Times, Cairo ]

"As an American I am disgusted, sickened, and appalled by the unethical
behavior of our military and leadership.  Please know that most Americans do
not condone this behavior and are demanding that the strictest punishment
is incurred for the war crimes committed.  I can only hope that my 'leader'
will apologise to the Iraqi people and Arab community at large.  I apologise
to all Iraqi and Arab people that my country has let this happen."

   - Mary Gibb, Seattle, WA, USA

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[ End Fri humour ]

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