Friday humour - May 07, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           Hi,
     And apologies to our Westerly list (D-Files) for last week - somehow you
     guys ended up getting 2 copies of the mailout whilst I was wrestling
     with Yahoo's group admin interface.  I'd made a change at this end to
     alter the "From" address of the mailouts, and getting Yahoo groups to
     accept this was a bit messy.

     Of course many of us have fallen off our favourite email lists every few
     years because our work (or home) email address has been changed yet again.
     No wonder hotmail is so popular as a backstop (or sole) email address for
     so many.  And talking of slow and limited things like hotmail - there's
     hope yet.  It seems that Google will get their Gmail going soon.
     1Gb of storage per user and indefinite folder storage sounds rather
     good ... even if there will be targetted ads.  And knowing Google,
     access speed will be excellent.  Should make things very interesting.

     Enough waffle - onto the jokes, beginning with a 2 liner from Biggus:
                            ----------------------


A guy in the elevator of a four-star hotel shouts, "Ballroom, please!"

The lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "Sorry, I didn't
realise I was crowding you."
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     This one's courtesy of kex (the program I use for my E-mail sig tags):
                            ----------------------

LATIN                        WHAT YOU SAY                 WHAT IT
                               IT MEANS                  REALLY MEANS

Podex perfectuses      You did a terrific job.      You are a total arsehole

De stell Martis        That's a truly remarkable    You are definitely from
vere venisti.          insight.                     Mars.

Stercorem pro          That's certainly food for    You have shit for brains
cerebro habes.         thought.

Caput tuum in          You hit the nail right on    You have your head up
ano est.               the head.                    your arse..

Futue te ipsum         I've really got to take my   Fuck you and the horse
eet caballum tuum.     hat off to you.              you rode in on.
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                Here's a couple more from David McCallum ...
                            ----------------------

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was
orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs... the tallest ones, anyway.

                             ----===#==#==#===---

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer
please, and one for the road."

                             ----===#==#==#===---

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was
artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true - no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

                             ----===#==#==#===---

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     ... and ...

                                 WHAT A JERK

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.  They undress and step in
the showers before they realize there is no soap.  Father John says he has soap
in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.  He grabs two bars of
soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.  Having no
place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.  The
nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.  The first nun suddenly reaches
out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun ... "It's a
soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood .. sure enough
he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go.  She pulls once, then twice and three
times but nothing happens.  Then she yells  " .... Holy Mary, Mother of God -
it's hand lotion!"
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          And now over to Maria the Harding, incorporated, Pty Ltd ...
                            ----------------------

        MESSAGES FOR THE BOSS (hang this on your door if you have one)

Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it
to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire
how it's going.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at
every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a chance
to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic, and opening
doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and
lose all use of my limbs.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean
a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone!  I like my name to be popular in
conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.  In fact,
save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful
information.

Never introduce me to the people you're with.  I have no right to know
anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager's hell.

Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and it's nice to know
someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about having to pay
so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.  I'm
not here for the money anyway.
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       Almost time for the pics, but just before we do those, this amusing
       story from CUB John K ...
                            ----------------------

  I'M STUCK WITH THE KIDS - A FRUSTRATED TAXPAYER WRITES TO THE (US) IRS.

(Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that need no
polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story.  This is one
of those.  It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's
weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.  We believe
the letter speaks for itself.)

    Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two
of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.

I have questioned whether these are my children for years.  They are evil
and expensive.  It's only fair that, since they are minors and not my
responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year.  You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate
the deduction.  This year, they are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant.  Ask her.  I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns.  While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.  Taxes should
be a breeze.  Next year she is going to college.  I think it's wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense.  While you mull
that over, keep in mind she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the moment, so
you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense
funds to fix the vehicle - or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend.  Oh joy.  While she possesses all the wisdom
of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and (in the face of overwhelming
passion) safe sex.  This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved
you will be handling this in the future.  May I suggest that you reinstate
Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes are a little
close together for normal people.  He may be a tax examiner himself one day
if you do not incarcerate him first.  In February I was awakened at three
in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.  He and his
friends were TP'ing houses.  In the future would you like him delivered to
the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.  His hair is purple.
Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?  Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight.  I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice principal.  Oh yes, he and his friends have raging hormones.  This is
a house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in
your home.  DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.  (I'm sure that you will
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers])

Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the seventies.  She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.  Fortunately, you will
be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it.  [Good news: You
can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying]

It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so they
have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.  She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak.  I don't.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.  She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that
you can handle it.  Bring a truck when you come to get her ... she sort of
"nests" in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair you get to pick
which two you will take.  I prefer that you take the youngest, I will still
go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free.  If you take the
two oldest, then I still have time for counselling before Heather becomes
a teenager.  If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and
made a down payment on an airplane.

   Yours Truly,

        Bob

[ Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date:
        "Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
  Our response:
        "Gee, Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break." ]
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Over to the funny pics and movies and sounds now - first up,
        from Russell Mac:

Athens soccer stadium is now ready: Click here
                            ----------------------

        And an excellent collection from Digitronics Steve this week:

Ooops ... Click here
Quick maintenance: Click here

        This next one needs a strong stomach, so take care opening it.
        Having jumped to his death, this picture of the victim is graphic
        in the extreme - one normally doesn't see close-up shots like this.
        It's also hard to imagine how the public can just stand around
        looking at such a grizzly mess:

Suicide from a great height: Click here

Shopping: Click here

        And this (powerpoint) slide show called "How to ringbark a tree in
        under 2 seconds" ... Click here

        And some movies:

T-shirt: Click here
Madonna blowjob: Click here
Desert-bike crash: Click here

I won the lottery Click here
Another Pepsi ad: Click here
                            ----------------------

        Now for couple from M&M aka Handy Mandy ...

Confused, perhaps Click here
Happy cat: Click here
                            ----------------------

        John Sanderson passed this URL on ... it's the silly molecules site
        again - and it's still growing fast:

Strange chemistry ... Click here
                            ----------------------

        And finally, some more radio stuff.  The first two are old comedy from
        a brilliant American radio star of the 1950s and 1960s - Stan Freberg.
        I came across these as I was copying some material from vinyl to CD
        a cupla weeks back.  Stan did a variety of comedy material, often
        sending up hits or shows of the day - the first two are examples
        of this:

Banana Boat song:
via high quality MP3 Click here or as RealBadAudio Click here

Saint George and the Dragonet (a send-up of the "Dragnet" detective series)
via high quality MP3 Click here or as RealBadAudio Click here

        In the summer of 1957, Stan managed to set up a weekly RADIO series
        on the CBS network.  What was amazing about this was that it happened
        at all.  After all, by this time, TV had well and truly displaced
        the wireless in the US as the preferred medium for the broadcast of
        networked variety shows.  And sure enough - CBS did fail to attract
        any sponsors.  But Stan persisted - and amazingly, he managed to
        convince them to go ahead.  And complete with live audiences and a
        live backing band (the Billy May orchestra) ... the whole bit.

        Here's one skit from this memorable series, where Stan plays a
        teenage werewolf - taken off a 12" vinyl disc, no less:

Stan Freberg Show - The Advertising Man (or "Grey flannel hat full of teenage
werewolves") - via high quality MP3 Click here or as RealBadAudio Click here
or as Ogg Vorbis Click here

        And finally, yet another interesting program from Radio National here
        in Oz.  I'll give you the link for the ABC web site version first, but
        if you have trouble with that, there's an MP3 and an Ogg Vorbis via
        Bluehaze as well.  (Note: if you want to listen to the ABC "original",
        you must have the dreaded Real player installed.)

        It's The History of the Electric Chair - and of electricity distribution
        in America in general.  If you do need to download a Real player, may I
        suggest you use the BBC-modified one.  Click here and download version 8

        if you want one (even if you are using something later than Win 95).

History of the Electric Chair: Original ABC RealMediocreAudio version - Click here
or in case that's a no go, via my MP3 copy - Click here - or even via this

Ogg Vorbis version, Click here  (By the way, my MP3 and Ogg versions were both

decoded off the original RealMediocre ABC version anyway, so you may as well go
for the original if it's still online!)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay - that's the pics for this week.  Back to the written word
        with this one from Digtronics Steve (who hasn't turned up at
        Wellie's for a cupla months now ...)
                            ----------------------

                                RELIGION

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off.  I immediately ran over and said "Stop!  Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too!  Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too!  Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too!  Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow - me too!  Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too!  Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist
Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too!  Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or
Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        And from another ex-CSIRO girl, Lee (now at Melbourne Uni), we
        recently received this one ...
                            ----------------------


                            GROWING UP IN AUSTRALIA

I'm talking about hide and seek in the park.  The corner milk bar, hopscotch,
billy carts, cricket in front of the garbage bin and inviting everyone on your
street to join in.  Skipping, handball, handstands, elastics, bullrush, catch &
kiss, footy on the best lawn in the street, slip'n'slide, the trampoline with
water on it, hula hoops, stepping in puddles, mud pies and building dams in
the gutter.  The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.

'Big bubbles no troubles' with Hubba Bubba bubble gum.  A choc-top.  Mr Whippy
cone on a warm summer night after you've chased him round the block. 20 cents
worth of mixed lollies lasted a week and pretending to smoke "fags" (the
lollies) was really cool, & Maison would get you pissed! or so we were told.  A
dollars' worth of chips from the corner take-away fed two people (AND the
sauce was free!!).  Being upset when you botched putting on the temporary
tattoo from the bubblegum packet, but still wearing it proudly.

Watching Saturday morning cartoons: 'The Smurfs', 'AstroBoy', 'He-Man',
'Captain Caveman', 'Archie', 'Jem' (truly outrageous!!), 'The Wizard of Oz',
'Banana Man' and especially 'Hey Hey, It's Saturday'.

Or staying up late and sneaking a look at Hal Todd or Izzi Di or the "AO"
on the second telly.  When 'Monkey Magic' with fish face & pigsy had a cult
following.  Miraculous Mellops & who could ever forget Degrassi Jnr High?
When around the corner seemed a long way, and going into town seemed like
going somewhere.  Where running away meant you did laps of the block because
you weren't allowed to cross the road??

A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee stings.  Sticky fingers, cops and robbers,
cowboys and indians, riding bikes and catching tadpoles.  Marco polo in the
neighbours' pool ("fish outta water?!""NOOOO"), drawing all over the road
and driveway with chalk.  Climbing trees and building cubbies out of every
sheet your mum had in the cupboard.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.  When writing 'I love ..?..'
on your pencil case, really did mean it was true love.

Running till you were out of breath.  Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Pitching the tent in the back/front yard.  Jumping on the bed.  Ghosts stories
with the next door neighbours.  Pillowfights, spinning round, getting dizzy
and falling down was cause for the giggles.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.  Cricket cards in the spokes
transformed any bike into a motorcycle.  Eating raw jelly, making homemade
lemonade and sucking on a Funny Face, Paddle Pop or red Icy Pole.

Remember when there were only two types of sneakers - girls and boys.  Dunlop
volleys with the green 'n' gold or blue and the only time you wore them at
school was for "sports day." Bloomers in primary school & Scungies under
netball skirts.

You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents!  It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best friends" & you would ask them by sending a note asking
them to be your best friend.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve and pretended to sleep for the tooth
fairy.  When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.  When 50c was decent pocket money.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 10c.  When nearly everyone's mum was
there when the kids got home from school.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.  When it was considered a great
privilege to be taken out to dinner at the local Chinese restaurant with your
family.  When any parent could discipline any kid, or use him to carry
groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate
that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.  Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger
threat!  Some of us are still afraid of them!

Remember when decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" or dib
dib's-scissors, paper, rock. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the
fastest.  Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly".
Terrorism was when the older kids were at the end of your street with
pea-shooters waiting to ambush you.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was boy/girl germs, and
the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.  Where bluelight
disco's were the equivilent to a Rave, and asking a boy out meant writing a
'polite' note getting them to tick 'yes' or 'no'.  When there was always that
one 'HOT' guy/girl.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.  Your biggest
danger at school was accidentally walking through the middle of a heated game
of "brandies".  Nobody was prettier than your Mum.  Scrapes and bruises were
kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant scoffing orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C's, or
swallowing half a Panadol.  Ice cream was considered a basic food group.  Going
to the beach and catching a wave was a dream come true.  If you actually lived
there, boogie boarding in the white wash made you the next Kelly Slater.

Abilities were discovered because of a 'double-dare".  Older siblings were the
worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

Now, didn't that bring back some fond memories??  If you can remember most of
these, you're an Aussie legend!!!
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           I was sure we'd already had this next one, but I've searched
           and I can't find it so - from Digi Maria the Harding, it's ...
                            ----------------------

                               COME ON, SNAILS

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.  At
the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the
dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the
bucket to gather some snails.  Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach.  As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.  He kept
thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down
and talk to me?"  He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him.  They started talking and she invited him back to her place.

They ended up spending the night together.  At seven o'clock the next morning
he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!  My wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and
ran out the door.  He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.  He ran
up the stairs of his apartment.  He was in such a hurry that when he got to the
top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.  There were snails all
down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway,
wondering where he's been all this time.  He looked at the snails all down the
steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, "Come on
guys, we're almost there!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Just before we finish, something philosophical!  I sent this letter into
     "The Age" newspaper here in Melbourne a cupla days ago (and as expected,
     it wasn't published).  The background:  A large chunk of our recently
     privatised electricity infrastructure here in Oz has just been bought
     by Singapore Power.  That started me thinking ...
                            ----------------------

                             SECURITY IMPLICATIONS

     The takeover of American owned TXU by Singapore Power has disturbing
     security implications for the privatisation of essential services
     in Australia.

     For more than 20 years now, Labor and Liberal goverments at both State
     and Commonwealth level have continued to promote the myth of greater
     efficiency and lower prices flowing from privatisation, in spite of clear
     evidence to the contrary.  Electricity consumers in Western Australia
     now enjoy the cheapest electricity of all States (as a percentage of
     household income), and yet their system is still Government owned.

     But even if this doesn't give you food for thought, maybe consider the
     security implications.  Just let your imagination wander for a bit,
     and suppose that 10 years down the track, our dogged and idealogical
     politicians have had their way, and that everything has finally
     been sold.  Electricity, water, communications (including Telstra),
     rail and air transport, hospitals, media ... you name it.  It's all
     now in private hands.

     Then suddenly, Australia suffers several inexplicable failures in
     its critical infrastructure.  There's no electricity, no water, and
     no communications.  This lasts for some months.  Millions die as a result.

     Almost a year later, the truth finally begins to emerge.  And guess what -
     it seems that various groups of terrorists (or their host countries) seem
     to own all our infrastructure this year.  Argh, now how did THAT happen?

     Is this impossible?  Well, unfortunately, no.  In selling off critical
     infrastructure into the free marketplace, the future owners could
     literally be anyone at all.  With multiple takeovers, it has often been
     shown that the real owners are almost impossible to trace.

     Our current breed of politicians still firmly believe in the mantra of
     privatisation.  Well, it may balance the books, but what of the future?
                               --------------------

         Hopefully I'm just being paranoid (obviously "The Age" think so ...)
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[ End Friday humour ]

	

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