Friday humour - April 30, 2004


     From Davo at Bluehaze:


G'day

Here's a couple of suggestions from Unilever Joe in the UK.

Go to google and type in weapons of mass destruction and then hit the "I'm
Feeling Lucky" option.
Try the same with miserable failure

Google is certainly on the ball at the minute.

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 First up from Fosters John

                        DEEP QUESTIONS OF LIFE

1) After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of
   the water?

2) How can there be self-help groups?

3) If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

4) If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he
   automatically lose because he can't find himself?

5) Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
   grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

6) Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their
    stomach?

7) When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

8) When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
    thrown away?

9) When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
   you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

10) Why do they report power outages on TV?

11) Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
    afraid to have a Chapter 11?

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                           IF LOOKS COULD KILL

As Denny was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he
going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The
last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all
but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole
new regimen.

He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He
changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months,
he was a different man.

Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There
he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He
stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck
him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes
toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through,
how could you do this to me?"

From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry , I didn't recognise you"

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 And another golf one from Biggus

                           REPLACEMENT THEARAPY

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My
new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great" said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolours".

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a success."

"Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off
I get a headache!"

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 Another just in from Biggus

                             IN THE GRAVY

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't
help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only
made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I cant find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
your mum took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the
gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle
but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner. Love, John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear
Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Julie but the fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now, Love Mum."

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 From Minnesotta Scott

                    A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box
said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capitol of California was; answered "C"

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.

9. Baked a turkey for several days because the instructions said 1 hour per
pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little
packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said
"good up to 20 pounds".

14. What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? - - A blonde at a flashing
red light.

15. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when
one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down.


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 From Rosalie

                               SHADES OF HYACINTH

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home. He walks into
the kitchen and immediately starts yelling: "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE
OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO
STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE
YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling
like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replies: "Just showing you what it feels like when I'm
driving and you sit next to me ..."

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 From Digi Maria

                               THE WIDOW

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and
Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."

Bill says, "Okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you the beer?"

Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,
'You must be Steve's widow.'"

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

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   We haven't got much on the pics shelf this week and of what we have I've
   had protection faults trying to get most of them to the Bluehaze Publishing
   Centre in Surry Hills Heights - but if they were all here they'd be from
   Mandy M & Ms, Allnutts, Rosalie, QCAT, Digi Maria, and Chonking Russell.
   So enjoy a few newies and a few golden oldies.

The wooden spoon is ours Click here

Read the sign idiot Click here

Tough stint Click here

Service station of the future, perhaps ... Click here

    And while on the subject of service stations, from Hollywood Len ...

                          GAS STATION SCAM-CAUTION
 
Now that prices on gas have gone back up, service stations are trying to get
you back in by going back to providing the old service station attendant
technique.  Well, if someone walks out and offers to pump your petrol,
it may sound like they are just being nice but in fact they are tricking you.

Some of you may be willing to have a service station attendant pump your fuel,
but watch out - it could cost you as much as 50c more per gallon.  I know
that may not sound like much, and you may be okay with that.  But please,
study the attached picture I took last week so you'll recognise this scam
if you see it.  I have enclosed a picture of a typical service station
attendant so you will know what to watch out for in your area.

You be the judge ... Click here

Martha's Stewart's latest product lines: Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
plus these two for good measure: Click here Click here

Snap Click here

Drying off Mr Bean Click here

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 From Allnutts over at Highett

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at
the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What
time is it? "

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is
on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to
"Happy Hour".

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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!  Now let's try it again!"

Officer: "Soldier.  Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"


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Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


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A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.  They were both
just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some
after-shave to slap on their faces ...

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!  My wife will think
I've been in a whore house."

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on.  My wife
doesn't know what a whore house smells like."

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  Quote of the Week

   "I do not agree with a word that you say, but I will defend to
    the death your right to say it."
                                                        - Voltaire
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[ End Friday humour ]


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