Friday humour - April 23, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
     And welcome to yet another load of humouresque as forwarded on by our
     contributors.  John Stevens just passed on this note from Prue in China,
     who said: "Anyway just a quick note to say how much I appreciate Friday
     Humour - believe me, when there's no english to watch, read or listen
     to - a good joke easily becomes a GREAT joke! hehehehehehe"

     So gidday to anyone over in China who may be reading this via the web
     (I wonder if there are any services for translating web pages into
     Mandarin from Engrish or whatever?)   Hmmm ...

     And another bit of housekeeping - we get occasional complaints now
     about the lack of filth and other lewd and disgusting pictures in
     recent times.  Now, as we keep saying, we just pass on what you send,
     so as always - don't blame us!  But to try and redress the balance
     a little, Biggus just passed on something that may hopefully lower
     the tone a few octaves.  It's all about sexual organs (and even that
     phrase should trip a few email scum filters) - Click here

                           --------------------------

     Okay, moving right on to the humour, this first contribution's also
     from Biggus:

                                    OH GOD

A scientist approached God and said "Listen, we've decided we no longer need
you. Nowadays we can clone people, transplant hearts and do all kinds of
things that were once considered miraculous."

God patiently heard him out and then said "All right. To see whether or not
you still need me, why don't we have a man making contest?"

"Okay, great!" the scientist said.

"Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the olde days with Adam"
God said.

"That's fine" replied the scientist and bent to scoop up a handful of dirt.

"Whoa!" God said shaking his head in disapproval. "Not so fast pal. You get
your own dirt."
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                And a quickie from John over at CUB:

                               SPIRITS

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends
when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as
strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna and call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it's always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna and call my man "Jack Daniels."

The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels?  But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "That's my Leroy!"
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           Now for a couple as forwarded on by Digi Maria ...

                          SENIOR'S PERSONAL ADS

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers (who says seniors
don't have a sense of humour?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used
to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.  Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation.  If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?  I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.  If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.  If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new
parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.  Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.

                             ----===#==#==#===---


                        DO NOT MESS WITH A WOMAN - Episode 27

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.  He
wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new
lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.

His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the
apartment to pack up her things.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.  On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a
pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the
half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.  She then
cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first
few days.  Then slowly the apartment began to smell.  They tried everything;
cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.  Vents were checked for dead
rodents, carpets were steam cleaned.  Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they
had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace
the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move.

They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a
huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.  The moving company
arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their
new home ... including the curtain rods.
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      And this one from the "kex" PERL script (I use it to pick up random
      jokes and fortune cookies off the internet):
                           --------------------------

Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, obviously
pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance floor like a
20-year old.  Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette girl.

"I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of
your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"

The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not all, I'm
afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a girlfriend --
we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place about two A.M.
We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit
the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."

"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."

"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me."
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         And time for just one more from Maria before we hit the pics
         and movies and sounds:

                             DINNER IN HEAVEN!

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself
greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour
again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared,
while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles,
brandy and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward
for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is
tuna.  In the Other Place, they eat like Kings.  I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay
to cook?"
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         Okay, here we go with the pics and things, and many thanks to you
         guys cos' you've passed on stacks this week.  First up, from Rowan
         Davidson up in tropical Queensland, we received this classic:

Get your very own JC now: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And Digi Maria the Softing sent these over:

My mum likes ... Click here
Another dog movie: Click here
Wash me  Click here
Men at work: Click here
Grab these: Click here
Oz sandcastles of 2004  Click here
                           --------------------------

         Digi Steve H and Mandy the M&M both passed this on:

The traffic fine: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And Russell the Mac forwarded this little nature movie over:
Life in Africa: Click here
                           --------------------------

         Mike Horne kindly sent these to me again (this was one of the
         groups that I managed to lose two weeks ago):

The equations of Simple Harmonic Motion in concise form: Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           --------------------------

         And a couple from Biggus (David McCallum):

Yeh, right ... Click here
New school-zone signs: Click here
                           --------------------------

         Over to the UK now, and this one from Mad Mick:

Fouled: Click here
                           --------------------------

         Digi Steve also sent these over:

Don't break laws, especially those of physics: Click here Click here Click here
Linux versus Windows: Click here
Health and Safety first: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And a rare but welcome contribution from our union rep, Shorty:

Love that beer: Click here
                           --------------------------

         Mandy also read my plea of two weeks back, and sent these:

Envirobus: Click here
China airlines: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And my namesake, John Sanderson, was having a disc cleanup and
         he came across these amongst others:

Working overtime  Click here
Office training  Click here
Scooter race  Click here
Slimming sucks Click here
Snappy landing  Click here

   plus this Weird Al song - Cat's in the kettle, via either:

Windows media format: Click here or MP3 format: Click here
                           --------------------------

          Russell MacKinnon, Digi Steve H, and Rowan Davidson sent this:

                      THAT'S IT - I'M NOT GOING TO IRAQ

They run 10 mph, jump three feet, are a nocturnal spider, so only come out
at night unless they are in shade. When they bite you, you are injected with
Novocaine so you go numb instantly. You don't even know you are bitten when
you are sleeping, so you wake up with part of your leg or arm missing because
it has been gnawing on it all night long.

If you are walking around and you bump something that is casting a shadow
over it and the sun makes contact with it, you better run. It will instantly
run for your shadow and scream the whole time it is chasing you.

PS: The one on the bottom is eating the one on the top. These are spiders
found daily in Iraq by the army. Imagine waking up and seeing one of these
b*stards in your tent!!

Camel Spider: Click here

 ... but maybe also Click here
                           --------------------------

       Stephen Spicer (who passed on the Peter Evans and Spike Milligan
       audio cut that we ran a cupla weeks ago) sent these over:

Breaking the sound barrier (very quietly): Click here
Sonic shot: Click here
                           --------------------------

       And finally, a bit of philosophical stuff off the wireless.  I
       heard this via RN here in Oz, but it's originally from UC Berkeley.
       It's an interview with George Soros, the Hungarian-born US billionaire
       philanthropist.  The comment that most caught my attention was ...
       "The Government of George Bush is the greatest threat to democracy"

       It's about 45 minutes long, so probably a good candidate for filling
       in that spare hour with your feet up at home.  If you have a RealPlayer,
       you can just stream it from ABC RN - Click here

       If this link disappears (or you prefer to avoid RealAudio), I've also got
       an Ogg Vorbis version - although it's 23 Mb, so best to paste this link
       straight into your player's URL box to stream it: Click here

       And as I just discovered, you can even watch the recorded webcast
       from Berkeley (if you have enough bandwidth) - Click here
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      Now back to the ASCII to finish off for another week, and it's another
      infrequent but welcome contributor, Owen Lim, with:

                               TODAY'S ILLUSTRATION.

If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture!

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention!

If an explorer makes a mistake,
It's a new discovery!

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident!

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law!

If a professor makes a mistake,
It is a new theory!

If a hairstylist makes a mistake,
It's a new style!

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion!

If parents make a mistake,
It is a new generation!

If the boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake!

If an employee makes a mistake,
Now, *that* is a "MISTAKE!"
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           And a couple more from the irrespressible Digi Maria ...
                           --------------------------

                       COMPUTERS HAVE TO BE MALE!

                   TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS ARE MALE

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

                             ----===#==#==#===---


                              LETTER TO A MOTHER

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With a terrible premonition, she reads it, her hands trembling ...

  Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with
my new boyfriend. I have found real passion and he is so nice, with all his
piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that, Mum ....... I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will
be very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for
us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy
we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, and for Ahmed
to get better...he deserves it.

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Some day I'll visit so you can meet your grandchildren.

   Your daughter,

         Judith

PS: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show
you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's
in my desk drawer ... I love you!
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           Finally (and we've gone way over this week) - three more from
           John over at CUB:
                           --------------------------

                                MORE PHILOSOPHY ...

1. If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back, it will always
   be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But,
   if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
   uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that
   you had set it free ... you either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
   class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
   that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
   how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear
   as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty ... do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what
   you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
   two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
    too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That's my
    idea of a perfect day.

                             ----===#==#==#===---


            RECENT RESEARCH SHOWS THAT THERE ARE 5 STAGES OF SEX

The 1st stage of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first
meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face .

The 2nd stage of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere,
even in the kitchen.

The 3rd stage of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have
sex in your bedroom.

The 4th stage of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
"Screw You".

The 5th and final stage of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


                             ----===#==#==#===---


                                SOUTHERN HUMOUR

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the
driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK.  Ummmmm ... five?"

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is
on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?  They wanted
to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call re-runs of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets
$3 a year for a million years.

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets
divorced, they're *still* brother and sister.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida
have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the
person at the front desk says, "Go ahead".
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[ End Friday humour ]


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