Friday humour - April 16, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo!

Here's an interesting web site from Digi Steve - some wacky warning labels,
 Click here

Keep sending them in plus any interesting webcams of where you like to
call home.  This pic of Wellington Harbour was proudly sent in by Ben. He's
caught it on a good day. Qantas currently have flights to Wellington starting
at $189. Bonza!  Click here

Try out this quick quiz - courtesy of The Bulletin.

1: Which film director recently said: "Russell Crowe is the best, the most
   convincing actor, I've ever seen"?

2: Who was the British prime minister in 1919 at the time of the Paris
   Peace Conference?

3: Which federal senator admits to being a fan of Nick Cave?

4: Who did Lleyton Hewitt beat in the Wimbledon men's singles final in 2002?

5: Which American novelist was played on the screen by Leonardo DiCaprio
   when his autobiographical memoir, This Boy's Life, was filmed?

6: What are the first names of the Farrelly brothers, responsible for
   directing both Dumb and Dumber and Stuck on You?

7: Which Australian foreign policy expert delivered the 2003 Boyer Lectures?

8: To which country do the Galapagos Islands belong?

9: What is the name of the federal seat Malcolm Turnbull recently won
   preselection for?

10: What was the name of the German airship that caught fire and collapsed
    while landing in the US in 1937?

   [ answers following the pics ]

And from UK Joe (of particular interests to Mineralites) ...

"I recently read Dave Gorman's Googlewhak Adventure - a googlewhack, in
case you don't know, is a search in google that returns only one page. The
constituents words have to be real words and listed in the dictionary.

Anyway, I found my first one and guess where it goes to?" Click here

Spooky, huh??

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--

 From Edinburgh Hec

                         FRANCE RAISES ALERT LEVEL

Bip bip bip Bip bip bip ...

In light of the recent Madrid train bombings, France has raised its terror
alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE". The only two higher alert levels in France
are "SURRENDER" and "COLLABORATE"!

A high level French government official said he believed this was an over
reaction inasmuch as al Queda has nothing to fear from France.

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--

 The Allnutts Selection

                          I TAWT I TAW A WABBIT.

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling
a joint. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through
the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped
the joint and ran off with the rabbit.

They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The Rabbit said, "Elephant,
don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The elephant looked
at his razor blade, mirror and lines. He then tossed them away and began
running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The Rabbit said,
"Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The lion looked
at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the Needle and started to
beat up the rabbit.

Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He
was trying to help you." The lion answered, "This little fucker? He makes
me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy."

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


                       Replacement of Mouse Balls

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of
the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only
be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine
the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic
balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures
differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the
twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It
is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact
the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary
items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
is an unhappy customer.

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


 Some E News from Hollywood Len

                         MEN...GOT TO LOVE'EM

   The following ad appeared in The Atlanta Journal:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.  I'm a
very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of
your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front
door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me
and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about
an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy.

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


                               STATUES!!!!!

Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each
other in a park for a hundred years. One day, an angel came to visit them
and said since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and
winters they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do whatever
they have wanted most.

The two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly laughed a bit
and said, "Shall we?" and "Yes, let's do it!" They dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly was heard giggling, laughter and the shaking branches. After
a quarter hour, they came out from the bushes all hot, flustered and happy.

The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn't they start
all over again. The statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the
woman statue: "Ok, let's do it again, only this time we'll do it the other
way around. YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its' head."

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


 The Fosters John Selection

                               IN THE BAR

A little bloke walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of dog poo, just
inside the door. He stands up, wipes as much of it off as he can, and buys
himself a drink.

A big bloke walks into the bar and slips over in the same pile of poop. After
cleaning himself up he walks to the bar and buys a beer. The little bloke
turns to the big bloke and tries to strike up a conversation.

"I just did that", he says.

The big bloke hits him.

                     --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--

                               IN CHURCH

A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the
confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The father
asked him the nature of this to which he replied "While my wife was bending
over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."

The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a
sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt
guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.

Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning
over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked
her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The
priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people
to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman
insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's
and think no more about it.

As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband
would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave
you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from
the supermarket!"

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


   This editions pics have smugly been submitted by Little Di, Nestor,
   David Allnutt, Jas, Digi Maria, Wellington Ben, UK Smithie, Brett Dude,
   Digi Steve, Helen Clarke, and Fred Dagg.

Nasty accident Click here

On aging Click here

Gotcha Click here

Only one kinky owner Click here

Love hurts
 Click here Click here

Noah's Asshole Click here

Family tickets available Click here

The best position Click here

Boring ... Click here

Fun with computing
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Algebra Click here

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


    Quick quiz answers ...

     1: Bruce Beresford
     2: David Lloyd George
     3: Andrew Bartlett
     4: David Nabaldian
     5: Tobias Wolff
     6: Bob and Peter
     7: Owen Harries
     8: Ecuador
     9: Wentworth
    10: Hindenburg


   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--

 From Sir Douglas (a few repeats in here, but great stuff)

                               GIRLS TRIVIA

1. He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
   in it.
   She said... You wear pants don't you?

2. He said... since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
   you really badly.
   She said... Well, you succeeded.

3. He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
   She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
   sit on the sofa and fart!

4. He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
   you?
   She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

5. He said.... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
   She said... I would but you are never there.

6. On a wall in a ladies room...."My husband follows me everywhere.
   Written just below it..."I do not"

7. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do
   the dishes?
   Both of them.

8. Why did the man cross the road?
   He heard the chicken was a prostitute.

9. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
   They don't have time.

10. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    They won't stop and ask for directions.

11. What do men and sperm have in common?
    They both have one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

12. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer.

13. Why are blonde jokes so short?
    So men can remember them.

14. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    We don't know; it's never happened.

15. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
    looking?
    They already have boyfriends.

16. Why are married women heavier than single women?
    Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
    Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

17. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
    common?
    They are married.

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


        Quotes of the Week ...

 "Dear Prime Minister, I am writing to inform you of the failure of
  institutional controls over the Australian intelligence system."

 [listed failures] "Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, delay in the (Willie)
 Brigitte case, warning of the Bali bombing, breakdown of order in the Solomons
 ... the independence of East Timor, death of an intelligence officer in
 Washington, resumption of Indian nuclear testing, fall of Suharto, the
 media-reported Indonesian capture of an ASIS officer, the Sandline affair
 and the testing of sarin nerve agent on an Australian farm by a Japanese
 religious sect."

 "I strongly urge you, Prime Minister, to appoint an impartial, open and
  wide-ranging Royal Commission into Intelligence.  To do other­wise would
  merely cultivate an artificial scab over the putrefaction beneath."

                                    - Lieutenant Colonel Lance Collins
                       (Australian Army's leading intelligence analyst)


 "I continue to have good confidence in our intelligence agencies. They do
  a very good job for Australia,"

                                                 - John Winston Howard
                                          (Prime Minister of Australia)

   --_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--finito--_oo_---_oo_---_oo_---_oo_--


[ End Fri humour ]

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