Friday humour - April 09, 2004

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           And g'day on this Good Friday,
   I managed a really neat trick last night.  I was uploading the pics and
   videos to the bluehaze webserver when I noticed a large file I didn't
   want included.  So I went to the upload window, right-clicked on it, and
   hit "delete".  The result?  Well, the program interpreted this command as
   "Please delete all files that have been selected for upload".

   And verily I say unto you, this did come to pass, and all the files I'd
   selected to send were summarily deleted in the blink of a camels eye.
   I frothed and I curseth the Maker of that software, but naught difference
   did it make.  Nay, the directory entries were destroyed, and the entropy
   on that part of the disc where they had resided a short instant ago has
   increased ever since.  So, to Mike, Maria and Mandy and any others who
   sent in good stuff during the past cupla weeks that we may have lost, I
   say unto you "Go forth unto your most private of folders and sendeth again"
   (if you still haveth them).

   In the meantime - let's begin with a couple from Maria the Harding ...

                                   TWO BABIES

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along
came this woman, seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't
they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know".

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?".

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these
are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."


                             HARD FINANCIAL TIMES

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll
become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar
and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question,  I'll
be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on" and runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for
thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy that all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand

He says "Okay", and so she gets in the car.  He unzips his pants - and out
pops this simply -HUGE- male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend
this guy seventy bucks?".

       And from Maria's oft lovable companion in life, Digi LMS Steve ...

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come
back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
really was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a
few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice
saying, "Maude...  Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.

The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.

John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have
breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then
I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon.
After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all
over again."

"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"

"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo."

        Lachlan (currently working out of Chalk River in Canada) sent this
        one to our Westerly list a few days ago ...

                             THE PERILS OF THINKING

It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up.  Inevitably though,
one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't
true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.  One evening I had turned off
the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night
at his mother's.

I began to think on the job.  I knew that thinking and employment don't
mix, but I couldn't stop myself.  I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so
I could read Thoreau and Kafka.  I would return to the office dizzied and
confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in.

He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem.  If you don't stop thinking on the job,
you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.  "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," he said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college
professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. He exploded in tears of
rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed
for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.  I roared into the
parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...
They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a
Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.  "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining
your life?" it asked.  You probably recognise that line.  It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a
recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's."  Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since
the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered
to vote Republican.

   And just before the pics - a group of four from John Klimek over at CUB:

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off
pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some
extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate
love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl
up as he was thrusting in and out. When they were done, Bert laid back on the
bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes
curling up when I was going in and out."

Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to
remove my pantyhose."


A farmer and his son were cutting the hay paddock with scythes. As they
reached a particular spot, the son asked if they could leave two square
meters of hay uncut. He explained that, as this was the spot where he first
made love to his girlfriend, he would like it to remain untouched.

The farmer was proud of his son and happy to oblige.

A little further on, the son asked if they could leave another square meter
of hay uncut. When queried by his father, the son explained that it was where
his girlfriend's mother happened to be sitting during the first lovemaking
event. The farmer was horrified that the mother may have been a witness.
He asked "But what did she say?".

The son replied "Baaaaa!".


Two blokes are out playing golf one day, and are being delayed by two women
just ahead of them. "I'm going to go and ask if we can play through" says
one of the men.

So he heads off towards the women. He gets about half-way, stops, turns
around and comes back.

"What's wrong?" asks his friend.

"I can't talk to them," he replies, "one of them is my wife, and the other
is my mistress."

"Oh," says his friend, "I'll go and ask." So off he goes. He returns a
few minutes later with a sheepish grin on his face, and says "Small world,
isn't it?"


Two fellows were in hospital beds awaiting plastic surgery. One said to the
other "Gee, your face is a mess. What happened?".

The other bloke replied "Car accident. Anyway you're no oil painting yourself
what happened to you?".

The second patient said "Honeymoon". The first fella said "How did you do
that on your honeymoon?".

The damaged groom said "Well it was the third day of our post nuptials so we
decided to leave the suite and check out the resort we were staying at. The
new wife is quite a keen golfer so we elected to play 18 holes".

"Did she belt you with the club ?" asked the inquisitive patient.

"No, No " said the husband "Everything was just fine until we arrived at
the 16th tee. The wife hit a terrible hook shot over the boundary fence and
into this cattle stud next door. Well, she wanted to look for the ball so we
both jumped the fence and started looking for it. Anyway after ten minutes
searching we still hadn't found it. So I started poking around in the cow
pats that were lying everywhere".

"Did you find it then" his mate asked.

"Not immediately, but I noticed one cow was not swishing its tail. So
I thought I'd check it out. I lifted the tail of the cow and there was a
golf ball jammed right in the crack of the cows ass. It was the same number
as the wife was playing. I pointed at the cows bum and yelled to the wife
'This looks like yours darling', and I woke up here in hospital".

      To the pics now - and first up, it's one from our newest correspondent
      from the wonderful world of South Africa, (Eric), who passed this on:

                         KLERKSDORP STORMS - CYCLONE!

With all the news on TV lately about the tropical cyclone hitting the Central
areas of South Africa, we shouldn't forget that Klerksdorp, where I reside,
has its share of devastating weather too.

I've attached a photo illustrating the damage caused to a home from a North
West storm that passed through the metropolitan area yesterday.

It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things
for granted!!!

Warning: The attached picture is graphic and may not be suitable for sensitive
viewers: Click here

(And BTW, Eric has his own treetop - Click here

         Here's a couple that survived from go-cart Mandy:

Make me Irrisistible To Women: Click here
Honey: Click here

        Maria sent in a good one called "Western Suburbs Barbie" but that
        one was lost.  In the meantime, check out:

Trans Barbie: Click here

        John (at the CUB bubble factory) posted over a CD with lotsa stuff
        last year, and here's a collection from that disc:

T-shirt #1: Click here
T-shirt #2: Click here
T-shirt #3: Click here
T-shirt #4: Click here
T-shirt #5: Click here
T-shirt #6: Click here
Patchy suntan: Click here
Ku Klux: Click here
Duck season: Click here
For sale: Click here
Anyone for a VB? Click here

        And from Digi Steve, we just received this movie:

Haircut: Click here

        And another movie that John S and Russell MacK just sent over:

Curiosity ... Click here

        And yet a third movie, this time from John K's jokes CD:

The door handle: Click here

        That's too many movies for one week (my server will collapse under
        the load), so how about a recent Dilbert:

Motivation: Click here

        And lastly of awlly, another bit of Oz radio history for us oldies.
        This was re-broadcast back in 1985 on the 3LO breakfast session (as
        then hosted by the legendary Peter Evans), and would have to rate as
        one of ABC radio's most memorable "News in Brief" updates ...

The (1972) ABC News In Brief - via high quality MP3: Click here - or as

RealBadAudio: Click here

( And Click here for the full version - about 3/4 of the way down :-)


        Okay - back to da ASCII to finish off ... beginning with this short
        one from Biggus:

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new
doctors.  After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out
screaming and ran down the hall.  An older doctor stopped her and asked
what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had
her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor
was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?  Mrs. Terry is 73 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she
was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up,
he said, "And does she still have the hiccups?"

        And from up in the sunny North of Oz and our QCAT correspondent,
        these useful one-liners ...

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

The quickest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said
"Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box
and a gallon of starter fluid to start a barbecue?

       Finally for yet another week, it's another contribution from Darnell
       over at Solucient:

                             THE IRISH AT IT AGAIN

                                  IRISH PRAYER

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"


                                 IRISH SHOPPING

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"What was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


                             I'VE LOST ME LUGGAGE

An Irishman arrived at JFK. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.


                                 WATER TO WINE

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!"


                                 THE REUNION

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy
him a drink.  "Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's
up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"


                                  THE BROTHEL

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of
them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill."


     And (Stop Press) - something interesting that just arrived from Darnell
     about 20 minutes ago ... and as he says:

  "Quite a weird one - type in things like 'walk like an egyptian' or
  'Do a YMCA dance' and he does it" ... Click here
[ End Friday humour ]

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