Friday humour - April 02, 2004

     From Davo at bluehaze:

Greetings and salutations!

I can remember the good old days when, if you got caught lying to parliament,
you had do the right thing and fall on your own sword.  If you didn't, the
PM would sack you!

How the Man of Steel has rewritten the rule book.  Now, it seems, lies are
mandatory, and whereas Government departments used to be proudly independent
of the Government of the day, they are now expected to support and propagate
political propaganda.

Then again, with all the lies also emanating from the White House and Downing
Street, maybe this is a worldwide phenomena?

One wonders whether things will ever be the same.  Hopefully future governments
can re-establish some genuine honesty care and trust into what have become
some very shoddy opportunistic dilatory administrations.

And so to the jokes ...


 First off, one from UK Smithie


   (because they are plugged into a genius)

   (they don't have enough time)

   (they don't stop to ask directions)

   ( because their balls fall over their butts and they vapour lock)

   (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

   (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

   (don't know ...... it's never happened)

   (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


 An American tale passed on by British Knickers

                              OIL SHORTAGE

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer ... nobody bothered to check the oil.  We
just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas,
California, and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC


 From Allnutts

                      THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each,
for 6 weeks.

* * *

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

* * *

There is no access to fast food.

* * *

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

* * *

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all
chores are done. There is only one TV between them ... and there is NO REMOTE

* * * * *

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply
themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.


They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at
3:00 am, make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one
marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

* * *

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

* * *

The last man wins ...


 This joke found on The Forum


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some men take mistresses just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.


 From Fosters John


An elderly Canadian gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French customs,
he fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked

The old gent admitted that he had been to France before.

"Then, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection,"
snapped the irate frog.

The Canadian said, "The last time I came to France, I didn't have to show
my passport."

"Impossible, old man. You Canadians always have to show your passports on
arrival in France!"

The old Canadian gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then, with the feel
of acid on his words, he calmly stated, "I assure you, young man, that when
I came ashore on Juno Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there wasn't a
Frenchmen anywhere on that beach."


 From Minnesota Scott

                             RULES FOR DOG OWNERS

1.  Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially
    built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2.  Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his
    own house is under renovation.

3.  Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his
    dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4.  Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to
    a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5.  Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog
    house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6.  The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7.  Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8.  Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the
    old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new
    furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9.  The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under
    the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on
    the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on
    the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's
    not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now
    sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
    resident," even if it's true.


   This weeks pics are from Little Di, Sister Carol, Digi Steve, Mad Mick of
   Marwick, Bonnie Susan, the Deviants, Condoleezza Rice, and Claude Balls.

Today's sex change rate Click here

Careless Click here

Records retention Click here

Cloned Click here

Bosses instructions Click here

Couchie couchie Click here

Infiltrated Click here

Big talk Click here

Explosive pics Click here

Road signs Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Water found on Mars - proof! Click here

Coalition of the wankers Click here

Packer calculator Click here


   Back to ASCII now, with more from Allnutts

                     LITTLE OLD LADY'S DAY IN COURT

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed
away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him.."Take me .... young man... Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" .... And that's
when I shot the little bastard


   And a variation on an oldie:

                         THE YOUNG VENTRILOQUIST

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands
on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to
do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."


 From M&Ms Mandie

                         THE LANGUAGE OF MANAGEMENT

A recent Australian study by Don Watson, Death Sentence: The Decay of Public
Language - Click here - reinforces this concern for the corruption of

language. Watson illustrates how mindlessly repetitive
corporate jargon, incorporated in "mission statements" and "organisational
systems and processes", displaces genuine articulation of beliefs and
values. He laments that:

The language of management - for which read the language of virtually all
corporations and companies, large and small, public service departments,
government agencies, libraries, galleries and universities, the military,
intelligence organisations and, increasingly, politics - is language that
cannot describe or convey any human emotion, including the most basic ones
such as happiness, sympathy, greed, envy, love or lust. You cannot tell
a joke in this language, or write a poem, or sing a song. It is language
without human provenance or possibility.

What is even worse is the political embracement of this language, and the
complete failure of the media to challenge its shallowness and duplicity.


 From Bonnie Susan, and friends

                           MARY AND THE FATHER

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.

"So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?" asks the priest.

"Oh, Father," says Mary, "I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

"Oh, Mary, that's terrible," says Father O'Grady. "Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father," she replied.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"


   And finally, a long one from UK Smithie (may be one or two repeats in this
   lot, but not to worry):

                                 I GET NO RESPECT

"Good crowd ... good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm okay
now, but last week I was in rough shape ...  Why? I looked up my family tree
and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great Uncle fought
 for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every

"What a dog I got. His favourite bone is in my arm!"

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy ... for birth control."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
 electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning"

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
 floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me.  He said "On your mark..."

"On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year,
 one kid tried to rip my face off!  Now it's different - when I answer the
 door, the kids hand me candy."

"When my old man wanted sex and the old lady didn't, she would show him a
 picture of me."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up
 and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt
 up my wife!"

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips ... yet she
 won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!"

"For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.  He told me I would fly from
New York to London.  Then from Tokyo back to New York.  I asked him ... "How
am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?"  He told me ... "That is why we
give you 21 days."

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii ... No days,
 just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."

"They say ... Love thy neighbour as thy self.  What am I supposed to do?
Jerk him off too?"

"At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy, what a
 present he gave me!"

"My sex life is terrible.  My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed.  Actually,
 she did put the mirror over our bed.  She says she likes to watch herself

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
 an egg".

My wife isn't very bright.  The other day she was at the store and just as
she was heading for our car, someone stole it!  I said "Did you see the guy
that did it?"  She said ... "No, but I got the license plate."

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage.  She said "Why should
I ... you never put out for me."

"I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said... No, one drag is

"I got myself good this morning too. I did my push-ups in the nude and I
 didn't see the mouse trap."

"I went to a massage parlour. It was self service."

"My only thrill is self inflicted ... hickies."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said "Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said  "No ... I hate myself now."

"My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back
 saying 'Caution Wide Load.'"

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with her they had to
 ask for directions."

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't
 ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she
 had her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that ... She was known as a two bagger. That's
 when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag
 over her head breaks"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that I bent down to pet her cat only to find
 that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won
 first prize."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire
 State building and planes started to attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that she looks like she came in second in
 a hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like hers
 it had a hook on the end of it."

I knew a girl that has a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard!"

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks.  The
bartender asked me ... "What'll you have?" I said "Surprise me." He showed
me a naked picture of my wife."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah ... my wife just broke up with her

One day, as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said
to the guy "Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?"  He said "Because you
came home early."

I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

"Once, in a restaurant, I made a toast to her "The best woman a man ever
 had ..."  The waiter joined me.

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button
 fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to
 go to the bathroom!"

"I had a problem.  I tried group sex.  Now I have a new problem ... I don't
 know who to thank!"

"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around
 six girls and one of them had VD."

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me
 to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown

"My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath... he holds up his arms"

"My dentist has bad breath.  Why, every time he smokes, he blows onion rings."

"I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over, and said
"Look ... twins!"


                               QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"It is always sad to see a politician at the end of his long career, the twilight months of his long career, thrashing around for an issue."
  - Mark Latham, Oz Federal Opposition Leader, referring to Bush's Man of Steel
    (who squirmed visibly ... :-)


[ End Fri humour ]

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